Category Archives: Ponderings

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Why Do I Blog?

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Sometimes I wonder why I keep blogging.

It’s certainly not for the numbers. Every time someone asks me how many subscribers I have, I don’t like telling them because it’s a really low number. My stats are not amazing. Anytime someone says they have low stats, I want to say “you don’t know low stats.” I do know that a few people read almost everything I post, but otherwise I have no idea who actually reads my blog on a regular basis. While I share new blog posts on social media, unless someone tells me that they read something, I just assume no one reads it. I don’t expect any of my friends to actually read this. There are days when I get really excited about writing a post and I put a lot of time and effort into it only to have nobody even click on the post at all much less read or comment on it.

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It’s not for exposure. I’m not getting famous by doing this. I’m not expecting any of my posts to go viral, for me to get discovered, or for me to get a book deal out of this. Nor am I doing this in order to work on my writing so that I can go somewhere with it. It’d be cool if this could lead towards a job because of my blogging but as of right now that’s not happening.

And contrary to popular belief, this blog is not so I can write about everything that happens in my life. It’s not like I’m waiting around for events to happen so I can talk about them on here.

You may think I’m being completely open on my blog and to some extent I am. But I don’t treat this like a diary and there are a lot of things that I am not going to overshare with the rest of the world. At least not on a public platform like my blog. Therefore if you only read my posts but never actually talk to me, you only have a one-sided view of what I’m really like.

No, the real reason why I started blogging again was because I want others to know that they are not alone.

There’s a difference in wanting to be by yourself and then feeling like you’re alone in what you’re going through.

I know that one of the first things I do when I go through a crisis or situation is to Google it. Because I want to believe that I can’t possibly be the only person that’s going through this situation. Surely there must be someone in the world who knows what I’m going through and I’m not just some freak of nature that this is happening to.

A lot of times however I can’t. And while some of you are perfectly fine in situations where you’re the only person, I know for me it is super hard because I feel like I’m drowning and there is no one who can help me. I don’t like the feeling of being the odd person out in a negative way. When I feel like nobody understands what I’m going through, trying to make things better is a very steep uphill climb.

So with this blog, in case someone happens to stumble up on it, I just want them know they aren’t alone. Whether that’s a someone who suddenly has a completely random thought and is curious if anyone else thought it, or someone who happens to like watching the Olympics AND Doctor Who and wonders if it’s possible to like sports AND be a geek, or if someone is struggling with an issue and worries they are the only ones going through this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

While it doesn’t have the highest amount of hits, the post on my blog that constantly gets viewed every week is my post on Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible. Out of all the posts I’ve written on this blog, every week since I first posted in October, this post is the most searched and most regularly visited. There have been so many variations of the phrase of trusting God in impossible times used in search engines to find that post. Which to me seems that there are many people who feel the same way I did and they want to know what to do and to know that they are not alone in that situation. I don’t know if my blog helps. I’d like to think that what I said has some impact and can give them some reassurance and advice but I’m not sure. What I do know is that for me, every time I see that post appearing in my stats for the day, it helps to remind ME that God is still working in my life and that I need to trust him even when I have no idea how things will work out for myself.

I just feel like I am meant to do this right now. I may feel like stopping at some point but for now this is what I feel like I’m being led to do. Like I’ve said before, I have a story. Several stories actually. And if I can help others somehow with my story and make an impact in their lives, then that’s what I want to continue doing. I’m pretty sure I’m getting better at it and will continue to do more so in the future.

Writing this blog has also helped me a lot. It’s keeping me disciplined and accountable as I’ve kept up with my schedule of posting three times a week. It’s helped me become more creative and allows an outlet for me to let it out. Even if I’m not actively trying to have a writing career, I am writing more and I do believe it is improving. Doing this has also helping me figure out more things about myself. And that’s always a good thing.

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When Someone is Mad at You and You Don’t Know Why

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There’s something that has been bothering me as of late. It’s not really a huge thing. And I know that I will eventually just get over it and move on.

It’s that nagging feeling of when someone appears to be mad at you or stops liking you and you have no idea why.

Truth: I have trouble trying not to be a people pleaser. I’ve gotten a lot better about it than I used to be in the past. Yes, I worry about what people think still but now I realize that I cannot make people happy all the time.

But it’s one thing when I make decisions because I know what’s best for me and if someone doesn’t like it, oh well. It’s completely another thing when apparently you’ve done something to offend someone and you have absolutely no idea why.

It’s really hard to comprehend the sudden 180 degree change in behavior. When someone goes from treating you like family or like a very close friend and everything that comes with that type of relationship to acting cold and distant and ignoring you whenever you try to talk to them, it can be really hard. And it hurts. A lot.

I spent weeks racking my brain trying to figure out what on earth I could have done wrong and I came up with nothing. Did I say something offensive? Did I do an action that was considered rude? Did I make a promise and forgot to keep it? I even tried to chalk it up to maybe they were having a bad day that one time. I know fully well the world does not revolve around me so perhaps it wasn’t my fault that they reacted differently that one time. Maybe there was something going on in their lives that time that was more important than anything I had to say.

But then it kept happening again and again. To the point where the relationship just completely fizzled out. And I still have no idea what on earth happened.

I did try to find out. I sent texts. Called and left messages. Even mailed cards and letters. All my efforts went unanswered So I gave up.

It felt and still feels horrible. I may never know what happened.

The thing is I know that I’ve done everything I can possibly do. If someone truly has become so angry or disgusted with me but they cannot tell me this, then I know it’s on them and not me. If I knew what offense I have done, then I would apologize. But the thing is, I don’t know what it is or even if there is anything to apologize for. Maybe I did do something horrible and am just completely clueless about it. Maybe there is mistaken assumption and in time it’ll be cleared up. Maybe the relationship just ran out its course and the other party just didn’t feel like publicly ending it and this is the only way they know how.

I just don’t know. But what I do know is that I feel like I’ve done everything that I can do. Even though I feel uneasy about this I’ve tried to react in love and show grace towards them. If space and distance is what they want, then I’ll give them that too, though not in a passive aggressive attitude.

I hope in time I’ll understand what happened and that the relationship can be fixed. If there’s anything I can do to clear things up, I hope God shows me my mistakes and what I can do. If it’s truly not me, then I hope that in time, things will become clear and everything makes sense. I also am prepared that the relationship may never be fixed and I may never know this side of heaven what caused the rift in the first place.

Basically all I can do now is just wait (yay) and just see what happens. I can’t force anything.

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I can feel your anger…..

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I got angry at God the other day.

Nothing new. It’s happened before. And before. And before. And before.

Yep. It would appear I get angry with God a lot.

Because I do. I feel God plays favorites. And I am not one of them.

There are days where it feels like this for me

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;

Now, I’m about to do that thing where I tell you that I know what you’re about to say and I’m going to say it before you say it so that YOU know that I know.

Yes, things can always be worse and I should be grateful for what I have and my situation now. Plus there’s Acts 10:34-35.

Ok now that you’re done with that.

I still think God has favorites and I’m not one of them. Oh I know he loves me. I don’t doubt that at all. I know he’s faithful and everything will happen according to his plan. No worries there.

I just think there are some people who will go through life a lot easier than others. There are things that I want to happen, that I’ve been praying for to happen for years. That I’m still waiting on and have no idea if it ever will happen. Meanwhile I watch people left and right keep having everything I want happen to them, even when they aren’t looking for it, and it comes in abundance for them. I feel like no matter what choices I make in my life, they always seem to lead to me having to climb back UP the mountain while I watch people who I know will never have to go through a single trial even close to what I’ve been through.

And it’s not fair.

Well, life isn’t fair, you say. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others.

Sure you can say that. And I can tell you right back to shut your face.

Yeah, I said that. And I can still be angry at God. Do you know why? God can take it.

I used to be scared when I was growing up that if I were to tell God that I was angry or hurt, he’d kill me immediately. So for years, I lived in fear bottling up my emotions especially anger. To this day, I’m still not good at letting myself be angry because I am always afraid at showing true emotions to people because I feel they’ll tell me I’m just being over emotional or overreacting. And for me to show real feelings to God, while I’m getting better, is still hard because I feel like he could get irritated to me and have something worse to happen to make me shut up and be grateful.

The funny part though is whenever I get angry with God and I let him know, I don’t draw away from him. Instead I find myself drawing closer to him.

My favorite book in the entire Bible is Psalms. Paul is all good and everything for teaching but David is my emo boy who gets me. And there are MANY passages in the Bible where David cries out at God, accuses God of leaving him, gets downright furious with him. But David always knows that God has not truly abandoned him and that He is still with him.

Often when we’re angry, we either ignore God because we think we’re not allowed to talk to God that way, or we reject God because we think He’s not allowed to act that way. Either way, we must discipline ourselves to cry out to God from exactly the place where we find ourselves, or we might as well not cry out at all.

That’s it. We don’t need to figure out how we’re “supposed” to feel, we just need to do all we can to say, even through the gritting of teeth: “Here I am. Here’s why I hurt. Help.” Then you walk together, in a relationship, navigating the long ride home.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/can-i-be-mad-god#sgkcIbpvYoYQEmIk.99

The thing with me is that I know the truth. I know that God has not left me and still has some plan for me. And it may not even be during this lifetime that I get to see all of it. So yeah, I can be very logical and rational because I know all this. But there are times when I will get angry and I will get frustrated at God. And I’m just going to let it out.

You won’t be able to give me the answers I want and your pithy sayings won’t comfort me. Neither will your condescending attitude of what I should or shouldn’t be doing. If I ever come to you and I’m angry at God, just listen to me. That’s all you need to do.

Just sometimes it’s best to let out the emotion. And I truly believe that God understands it when you do.

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SOAP Moments or When I Say Stupid Stuff

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Two of the faults that people call me out on all the time is the fact that I overthink and that I can be too quiet sometimes. They tell me that I should talk more and not worry about how I come across to others.

But want to know why I’m so paranoid about the things I say?

I wish I was one of those people who say clever things all the time. Every word that comes out of their mouth is either witty or full of humor. They are the eloquent speakers who never need to write or practice beforehand because everything that comes out of their mouth is golden. You know who these people are and you know who you are. It’s a gift.

Instead I am someone who says awkward and stupid things if I don’t think carefully before I speak. I don’t know why it happens. I mean believe me, I really hate all the word vomit that just pours out. I say things that make no sense. I say things that could make people uncomfortable. I say unnecessary information. I sometimes hurt people.

Examples:

  • One of my best friends was having a mild allergic reaction from taking a sip of my strawberry margarita. While in my head I was genuinely concerned and wanted to help, because I was scared for him what came out of my mouth instead was some stupid remark about I hope he doesn’t choke to death. His response was appropriate in which he yelled at me for making him panic more and to which I felt like a horrible person and went to the bathroom and cried.
  • Someone can ask me a very vague question and then for reasons unbeknownst to me, I end up blabbing things I had no intention of bringing up earlier and I can totally see that the person doesn’t care and is only nodding out of politeness.
  • When I’m emotional, my filter seems to come down and I will say things that shouldn’t be said because they are mean and hurtful. Maybe it is true, but I should have either not said it at all or just used some tact. I hate it when I hurt someone because of how I was personally feeling at the moment.

When moments like these happen, I call them SOAP moments. SOAP moments refer to a time back when I was 18 and working a summer job. There was a guy working with me that I was trying to impress and one day we were all sitting around talking. And I was thinking too hard to try to say something clever. And then for whatever reason, the first thing to blurt out of my mouth was about how in Fight Club, they make soap using fat from liposuction clinics.

Why on earth, I thought this was a brilliant thing to say, I don’t know. I just remember the conversation coming to a halt and the guy looking at me like I had suddenly grown two heads. And it felt all kinds of awkward and horrible. Since then, any moment when I say something stupid is referred to a SOAP moment.

This is akin to my Dale Jr. incident about telling him he was better looking in person than on TV. I SAY STUPID THINGS WHEN I DON’T THINK.

I know some folks can brush it off immediately and don’t care. But for me, I hate it when I do. I hate the awkwardness I feel creeping on me. I hate the looks I get when people are tired of me yammering away and I can’t seem to stop. I hate feeling judged for saying the wrong things. I hate when I hurt people accidentally by saying something hurtful unintentionally.

The worst is when my intentions are trying to honestly be helpful or sympathetic and instead I make myself come across as uncaring or spiteful to someone who I care very much about. It’s funny when someone does this to me, I feel like it’s my fault. When I do this to someone else, it still feels like it’s my fault. CAN. NOT. WIN.

And because I would like to avoid all these situations, this is why I overthink and stay relatively quiet. Better to not say anything than speak without thinking and sound stupid or hurt everyone. So now you know!

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You Can’t Handle the Truth

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Sometimes when you want someone to be honest with you, it can hurt.

There’s an episode of Friends called “The One With the List”. In it Rachel finds a pros/cons list that Ross made to determine if he should break up with his current girlfriend for her. As expected, when she reads it, it really hurts her.

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

I once had a talk with a very close friend and during the conversation, I asked them to brutally honest with me. It was one of those moments where it was now or never that things of this nature were going to get shared.

I’m not going to share what was said, mainly because a lot of the things said are still quite painful and also I realize that it was only one specific viewpoint. But at the same time, it hurt. It made me feel like everything I have ever worried about myself for years WERE in fact true. Also that things that I had finally come to love about myself were still negative factors about me.

The worst part was that it had come from someone I trusted. Yes, I had asked them to tell me these things. Really, I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose I’d rather hear it from someone I trusted vs. some random person who didn’t know me at all. But I think it’s because I am close to them that it hurt even more. That because they knew my insecurities and my fears, the way it came out just made me feel like I was a failure. Were these things all true? Possibly. But at the same time, maybe I just wasn’t ready to handle it.

The next few days involved a lot of internal and external processing. It was very tempting to continue feeling like I was unworthy. It was a very highly emotional time. But because I wanted to prove to the other person and mainly to myself that I wasn’t going to stay this way, I found myself fighting it. First though, I allowed myself to hurt. Because to ignore the hurt would not be healthy. To just push it away would only make it come back much worse in the future. I let myself cry and be angry.

Then I stopped. And I allowed myself to move on. Why? Because even though this was a trusted confidant for me, they aren’t me. The only person who has final say over what happens in my life is me. And if I’m honestly happy with myself right now, then no one should take that away from me. Just because I’m not what someone wants or I’m not doing something you would do, doesn’t mean I have to change myself. Unless I want to.

One more thing. I am done having important and in-depth conversations late at night. Because this right here is so very true (but not in the way it happens on the show, lest you start thinking that) :

Addendum: Also lest you think this person was a horrible person, they are not. I still consider them to be one of my closest friends and I love them dearly. It was just one of those moments that you learn from. 🙂

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I Can’t Wait to Have Patience

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One of the warnings you’re always told in Sunday School growing up is “Don’t ever pray for patience!”

Because what ends up happening is that instead of God giving you the patience to deal with things that are happening now, you instead are giving new situations where you have to figure out how to handle them. One usually walks away feeling severely stressed out.

I’ve talked before about how I feel about waiting. Being patient is not my strong suit.  When I get interested in something, I dive in headfirst almost immediately. Sometimes I feel like I get in over my head. Instead of checking out my surroundings and observing first, I want to make things happen as soon as I can. I think part of it is a fear that once I become aware of something, I want to make it happen because I’m scared that something else will happen. That it was disappear or something else will take it away.

I’ve mentioned before how I feel like I’m a late bloomer. And it seems like I’m finally learning that it’s going to be ok. I could spout out all that clichéd stuff about “Good things come to those who wait” and how “God isn’t going to give you something until you’re ready for it.” But that’s not always what you want to hear when you’re in the middle of the situation.

For me, I’m learning that I live a lot in my head. And sometimes I just need to stop thinking. I’m realizing how much of a temptation it is for me to just sit there and try to over think a situation to try to find out every possible scenario. I try to not to talk about it too much with my friends, just enough to get their opinion and then I journal. But I’m also learning that it’s not healthy to keep rehashing things over in your mind because if you keep doing that, you’ll just keep finding ways to beat yourself down.

So instead, I’ve learned to acknowledge whatever it is I’m waiting on, let out the initial emotional outburst with those I trust, and then put it aside and wait. Hopefully what happens in the wait is that my emotions become controlled, things settle down, and I just see how things proceed naturally vs. forcing things to happen.

Wisdom waits. Wisdom is patient. Blurting out or acting on your feelings in the bloom of their creation is a tempting but foolish thing to do. “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” (Proverbs 29:20) – from The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas

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The Best Way to Clear Your Mind

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I took a walk tonight.

I know. That sounds ….thrilling. But it’s really amazing how much it helps.

I have had a lot going on in my mind over the past few days and I just needed to get out of my room and out of my head. I decided to took a 2 mile walk. I didn’t jog or run. Just walked. It’s been rather cool over the past few days and I know that soon the heat and humidity will come. So I just enjoyed a nice casual but brisk walk around my neighborhood.

It was good to get away from the computer screen and just be by myself for a while. I did take my phone in case of emergency but I wasn’t constantly on it. I just wanted to spend time gaining clarity and letting my mind get clear from all the things that have been running through my head lately.

If you happened to pass me as I walking, you may have thought I was slightly nuts because I was talking to myself but really I was praying. For me, I find it better for me to pray out loud because it gives me a better sense of what I want to say to God.

The other night I was unable to go to sleep due to feeling very emotionally restless about something to the point where I started crying in bed. Since I was unable to go to sleep, I got up and went online to read some devotions and the Bible. Lo and behold the very first devotion I pulled up was just based on this verse: “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(Nehemiah 8:10b) And I’m like “Lord, are you kidding me? It’s like you knew.” I then just started praying a lot and about an hour later, I was finally able to go to sleep.

The next morning, I look up another devotional site I visit and for that day, the post was simply asking people to tell them in the comments what they were struggling with and needed prayer for, and then asked everyone to pray for each other. So I left a comment and I felt very blessed to know that there were people praying for me at that moment from all over the world. Again, it felt like God knew that I was going to need that.

Therefore I know that God will provide me with what I need when I need it, even when I don’t realize it. And what I needed tonight was just a clear mind and wisdom. I wanted to make sure that what was going on with me now was not something controlled by emotions or being swayed by what seemed rational at the moment. Being trapped in one’s own head can lead to disastrous results and I needed to have clarity before making any decisions.

My walk did just that. I felt all fuzzy headed when I started and by the time I got back I felt at peace. It was a lovely talk with God with no distractions and also felt good about myself. I was able to pray without distractions and I felt God lifting the confusion. Basically I let him know how I felt, what I would like for him to do, and that I was just going to let things go and let him handle it and I was going to choose not to worry about it.

Interestingly since I got back, he’s already answered one of those requests.

So yeah, take a walk. It’ll do you good.

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That Night God Heard Me and He Answered

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I talk a lot about prayer on here. And many times about unanswered prayer and how there’s a lot of trusting in God involved. But I always seem to give just the first half of the story and you’re left hanging. Here’s a story that does have a part 2.

There once was a weekend where I had a really rough time. The Friday night of that week, I stayed at home. I don’t mind doing this every now and then. I can read, watch a movie, just sort of relax, and not worry about going out. The problem though was that I also hadn’t left the house at all during the day. Heck, I had barely even left my room. So I had gone over 24 hours without seeing or having any contact with another human being. Introverts would have killed to have been in my shoes that day. As an extrovert, I was dying.

The Saturday rolled around. I still hadn’t heard a word from any of my friends or pretty much anyone in general. Now most folks would probably just either 1) go and contact people themselves or 2) go do their own thing. But me being me, I have this rather stupid theory in my head that I get sometimes that if people really wanted to be around me, they would have already contacted me. They have their own lives already (especially those who are married or have kids) and they can only fit me in when they are able to or if they want to. I’m not really afraid of rejection when asking folks to do something but it’s still hard for me to do it. Therefore if people haven’t asked me out, I figure they don’t want me that night. Stupid and petty yes, but this is what runs through my mind.

So as I said, Saturday had come and I hadn’t heard a thing from anyone. I didn’t want to face yet another night of not seeing a single person again but at that point, I just figured everyone was busy and no one wanted me. And it felt really lonely. Like down at the bottom of the pit with no hope of being rescued lonely. There are some of you who may think I’m being over dramatic but if you’ve never felt this way, I can’t really describe it for you. It’s just really awful. I knew I didn’t want to stay in the pit but I didn’t know how to get out.

I spent the next hour both crying and praying. I kept alternating between being angry with God for making me like this and putting me in the situation but then immediately trying to fight those feelings because I knew they WEREN’T from God and my weak spots were being attacked. It was an emotional and spiritual struggle that was happening inside of me

Here’s an excerpt from my journal that night:

I feel like my prayers have gone unanswered. Why bother even praying for the big things when God won’t even answer a prayer of feeling tonight like I’m not forgotten. All I want right now is just ONE person to call, text, gchat, Facebook message, email. Just get a hold of me and tell me “Hey Deborah. I was just wanted to say hey.” Even if they can’t physically hang out, I just want to know what I wasn’t forgotten!

But God can’t even give me that. And I’m so tempted to turn away right now. I’m so tempted to reject him because I am hurt. And I’m constantly feeling hurt. It’s so tempting right now. Why does God hate me so much? What have I done that is so horrible, that is worse than everyone else and yet they have everything? Yes, I know things aren’t 100% perfect for them. I realize their lives have troubles as well, things that I would probably be grateful I don’t have to worry about right now.

But Lord, I hate this so much. I really do. It hurts so much God. I’m hurting. Please help me Lord. Please don’t turn away from me Lord. Please let me know. Please reveal to me that I’m loved. Please remind me that you love me and haven’t forgotten about me. Lord please. I am so weak right now. I need your strength. I need you Lord.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me for I am lonely and afflicted. Remove the troubles of my heard and free me from my anguish. Look to my affliction and to my distress and take away all my sin.”

“I call on your name Lord from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea, Do not close your ears to my cries for relief. You came near when I called and you said Do Not Fear. ”

Don’t abandon me Lord. Help me Stay. Please Lord. Please.

After I wrote that, I closed my journal, stopped crying, and went on YouTube to watch some clips of the Simpsons to make me feel better. I kid you not, less than 5 minutes later, I get a Gchat from a very close friend saying “Hey”. This was without me messaging anyone previously. I reply back “Hey.” Then they responded back, “I just wanted to say hey to you.” That’s when I knew that God had immediately answered my prayer. Because this person normally wouldn’t have done this. Especially on a Saturday night. This was a rare thing that I knew was God answering me because I had prayed.

And not only did God just answer it, He went above and beyond fulfilling it because I ended up hanging out with my friend that night all without my having to prompt or try to make it happen myself. And the Lord showed me I wasn’t forgotten and I was cared about. Yes, by my friend but more so, I knew that night God had heard me and He answered me. It was like “See Deborah, I haven’t forgotten about you. I love you so much. Even for what other people may think is a small thing, I know for you this is what you need and want. So let me show you how much I love you by answering this and doing even more than that so you know I AM the Lord.”

I’m writing this here to tell you, God answers prayers. Sometimes you can’t really tell if your prayer has been answered. Sometimes God really does close the door and say no. Sometimes He tells you to wait. But then there are times when he does answer you. And He makes sure that you know it’s from him. And to Him, nothing is petty or unworthy of asking him for help no matter what you’re feeling. Even if everyone else in the world would look down on you for what you’re going through, the Lord doesn’t think that. So NEVER feel like you can’t go to God. Yell at Him. Tell Him how you really feel. Don’t be afraid for Him to know what you are really going through.

You need to be broken before He can really work in you. Be broken. Let Him heal and restore you.

This song helped me that night. It’s probably going to have more meaning to me now anytime I hear it.

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The Impossible Girl

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The past few years I’ve had themes to describe how the year went for me. The name of the year has a geeky reference but it also perfectly describes how I felt throughout the year.

In 2012, I was “The Girl on Fire“. Much like Katniss, everything was going well for me that year. Other than a couple of weeks where it just kinda sucked, I was having the best year of my life. Almost everything went the way I had hoped and I was the happiest I had been in years.

In 2013, I was “The Girl Who Waited.” Like Amy Pond, I sat there and I waited. I was waiting on God, I was waiting on people, I was waiting for things to happen. I felt a lot of times like I was forgotten because I had been waiting for so long.

It’s taken me several months to figure out what this year was going to be. Obviously I had to wait to see how the year goes before I could categorize the year. Five months in and I think I’ve figured it out. 2014 is the year of me being “The Impossible Girl.”

For all you non Doctor Who fans out there, The Impossible Girl is referring to Clara Oswald, one of the Doctor’s companions. To make a very long and complex story short, Clara shouldn’t have happened. She’s basically born to save The Doctor. It’s impossible for her to exist and yet there she is.

(Picture credit: http://ambrixmuse.deviantart.com/art/You-are-my-impossible-girl-372965800)

So how do I take that and have it refer to me? Because right now, I feel like I shouldn’t exist. And yet here I am. Everything I want for my life hasn’t happened yet. Everything I hope for keeps being out of reach for me. I don’t understand it. I feel like nothing that should be happening is. And I’m getting frustrated.

It’s like everything I want, God keeps putting JUST out of reach for me. He keeps allowing me to have hope only to take that hope away from me. And it’s very easy and tempting to start becoming angry at God. People (and myself) keep saying that if it hasn’t happened then it’s because it’s not the right timing for it. That God has a reason for this and I need to just trust in his timing.

Truth:  I’m tired of this. I’m tired of getting my hopes up repeatedly only to have them crashing down. I’m tired of hoping anymore because it HURTS when things don’t happen. I’d sometimes rather just not have the hope at all. I feel like my entire life has been pointless, yes even with everything that I’ve written about here on my blog. Because what is the point of hoping when things NEVER come through.

There are two things in my life that I really want. Two things that every person in this world wants at least one of. And for whatever reason, God keeps withholding those two things from me. And right now, I don’t know why. I know everything you’re going to tell me. That it’s not my fault. That God has his reasons. That the timing isn’t right. That something better is ahead. And I believe all this. I know all this is true. And I have to fight all the doubts and insecurities that are trying to creep in right now. I know the promises that God has made. And I believe that he will keep them.

But in a moment of complete vulnerability, I do feel like I’m not good enough. That something MUST be wrong with me. That I keep either getting rejected or passed over or ignored. And I feel like I have done everything to better myself and it’s still not working for either case. And at this point, I don’t understand why God hates me and keeps rewarding everyone else instead. Because that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s like because I want these things so badly, that God doesn’t want me to have them for some reason. And I wish that he would just remove these desires so that I could do exactly what he wanted me to do instead of hoping for things that will never happen. And people who don’t even want these things keep getting them over and over again. So I just don’t understand why God keeps making everything impossible for me.

PAUSE

Ok funny thing: I wrote the above section earlier in the afternoon when I feeling very low. Obviously you can tell based on what I was saying by my emotional writing. I then remember vaguely praying for the Lord to help me and then just sort of forgetting about it and just wanting to get through the rest of the night. And then God answered my prayer in a way I wasn’t expecting. In fact he went far and above what I was expecting. To the point where I feel maybe not 100% better but at least 95% better than I did this afternoon. I was actually smiling and laughing tonight.

It made me realize that even though I really don’t know why things happen/don’t happen, God does. Not only that, but he also provides what you need when you need it and even if you don’t think you need it. Just like today for me. Even though I hate having my hopes crashed, it is good to have hope and the Lord gave me hope again today. I have to be careful how I handle that hope but at the same time I am able to hope again.

So back to me being “The Impossible Girl” for 2014: I feel that there are things this year that just seem impossible and I’m going to trust God with those impossible things. Because he has told me time and time again that I need to trust him. And he has made promises to me and told me that I need to just let go of all anxiety and fear. I need to just believe that he is fully capable of making those promises, no matter how impossible, come true. And even though it seems like it can’t happen and it shouldn’t happen, because I know they are promises from the Lord, they WILL happen. But if I don’t trust or believe, if I let my faith become shattered because of my doubt then everything is a lie.

God is passionately and intimately aware of every detail that you’re going through right now. He’s paying attention to your every breath. Nothing misses God’s attention. You may not understand why you’re going through what you’re going through, but you need to say this to God: “I know you’re good; I know you’re loving; I know you’re powerful; I know you notice the details of my life; I know you’re in control; I know you have a plan; I know you will protect me.” Then, you need to trust God — no matter what. Whatever you’re going through, tell God exactly how you feel. He can handle it! Accept help from others. Stop asking “why,” and start trusting God for the things you don’t understand. (http://purposedriven.com/blogs/dailyhope/what-to-do-when-it-makes-no-sense)

I’ve said before I want God to use me and my story. And I believe that he will take my situation, these seemingly impossible situations, and use them for His glory. I am The Impossible Girl this year because to everyone else, these things shouldn’t happen. But to the Lord, nothing is impossible with him. Just hang in there. Wait. Trust. And it will be good.

If there’s a passage in Scripture that can sum up how 2014 is and will be for me this is it:

Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:17-19a)

8

That Time that God Hit Me in the Head

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Today’s blog post is inspired by a writing prompt from SheReadsTruth. Currently they are in the middle of a devotional about “ the life of Christ from His resurrection to His ascension” and how the story doesn’t just end after Easter. Last Friday they asked us this question: 

What holds you back from being available for commissioned moments? When have you experienced a commissioned moment and how did you witness God’s supernatural power at work? 

Photo credit: SheReadsTruth

For the past few years since my marriage ended, I’ve been praying a lot more and my relationship with God has improved a gazillion percent of how it used to be. He’s proven time and time again how if I just trust him then he will be faithful. If I just have faith, he will come through. I have been praying a lot more since then and now, not a day goes by when I don’t have at least one small conversation with God.

Since becoming more aware of this, I’ve been asking God to use me more. I know that even when I moments of self-doubt and uncertainty, God sees me someone worth sending his son to die for. Therefore I AM worthy and I am so grateful that he did that. And I want him to use me and use my story to help others if I can. But because of those moments of being afraid and being worried about what other people will think, I usually don’t want to follow through on that nudge or instinct.

Except there was this one time where I couldn’t ignore it.

I’ve mentioned this briefly before on my blog but it’s still one of my favorite stories to tell so I’ll tell it again. I’m not going to go completely into detail here out of respect for the privacy of others but if you know me in person, I’ll tell you the entire thing again.

Right about the time when my marriage started ending, God brought other people in my life that I needed but didn’t realize at the time. I had hidden what was really going on for the past year to the point that no one outside of family realized that anything was really wrong. But God put certain people in my life to help me open up and see that I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to go through all this alone. One of these people seemed rather unremarkable when we first met but then we soon realized that we had way more in common and were basically like kindred spirits.

It was through this friendship that God put all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that neither of us realized. One day on a way to a friend’s softball game, we were talking in the car about random stuff and somehow the conversation got changed to talking about another friend who had gone through hardships and how you never realized it because they hid it on the outside. And how that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

That’s when it happened. See we hadn’t really talked about why my marriage was ending at this point. I hadn’t brought it up at all because I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was a very messy situation that brought a lot of pain and I just wanted to not bring it up and make everyone else feel uncomfortable as well. But as I was driving, it was at that moment where I heard God tell me “Tell your story.” And I sat there (while my friend was still talking because believe me they can go on forever and not realize I was having weird expressions on my face) and argued back with God, “No! I don’t want to about it.” God responded again with “Tell your story.” And I argued back, “Why? I barely know this person. We’ve been friends for two weeks. Some of my friends who have known me for years still have no idea.” God replied back, this time as I felt a physical slight push on the back of my head, “Trust me.” My response again, “God I don’t know.” Then God literally poked me in the head to the point where I felt my head move forward and my friend noticed.

And so, I told my story. It was the first time I had told anyone the entire story. And I used words and phrases to describe what happened for the first time. At the time, I had no idea why I was even using those words. And I didn’t know why at all I was telling my story. I ended up talking so much that I missed our turn to the softball field. When I was done, the response was like “Oh, um thanks for sharing that.” And I mentally said to God “Why did I do that?” and he responded “Wait. Trust me.” I felt slightly awkward but I knew I had no other choice but to do so. (And thus began how I became “The Girl Who Waited” while “Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible“.

Though it felt like forever, two weeks later, my friend finally told me their story. And as I sat there listening, I understood now why God had me tell my story. Because they needed to hear it from me first. They needed to know as well that they were not alone. That someone else had gone through what they did and could tell the next steps of what to do. And God knew all this. He had planned this entire moment to happen the way it did for this reason. And if I had ignored him and didn’t obey, I don’t know what would have happened. Perhaps somebody else could have done the same thing. But the thing is, God chose me. He wanted ME to do this. He planned that moment to happen exactly when it did because it was the best for BOTH of us. And since that conversation, I have seen so many good things come out of it. I’ve seen so many people positively affected by this one tiny act. It’s been really awesome.

A lot of people could write off the whole thing as a coincidence but I don’t. There’s a bunch of things that make this whole thing not a coincidence. Timing, situations, people having to meet people. There are so many small details that had to have taken place in order for us to meet that it’s one of those “God things” where only he could have made this work.

It’s because of this that God’s placed it on my heart to pray for my friend daily. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even when I get angry with them. Even when I’ve been hurt by them. God’s shown me the power of prayer through this and what happens when I don’t believe that it actually works. And I don’t know how long I’ll keep praying specifically for them. I don’t know if I will ever see the fruits of my prayer or I’m just supposed to plant the seed. I just know that I am obeying God because he wants me to do this.

I have seen God work so much in this. He’s told me to trust him. He’s answered a lot of prayers. Even when it gets rough, because of everything that has taken place, I have faith in him for what is yet to come. I’ve seen how God has used me and my story and how from the utterly awful mess, He’s created something beautiful out of it. And when I tell people about all this, I know it’s because God wanted me to.

So keep using me and my story, Lord.