Are You There God? It’s Me, Deborah

This week in church, the final song we sang in the service was titled “Always”. It’s one of my favorite worship songs because every time I hear/sing it, it reminds me that God is always there no matter what happens.

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

But sometimes I wonder, even though I know God WILL come through, what exactly IS going to come through? Waiting and trusting are topics that I talk about a lot because that is what it feels like my whole life revolves around. I sometimes get worried that because I want something it’s not going to happen. My biggest fears involve hoping for things but then they won’t come true because God doesn’t want it for me. It’s like God and I have different mindsets and I can never line mine up with God’s no matter how hard I try. Therefore I get scared to hope for anything because it feels like God doesn’t want me to be happy.

I know that’s obviously wrong though. I know that it’s when I’m at my most vulnerable point that is when doubt and fear creep in. And I know it’s happening because the enemy pretty much has found me at my weakest and wants to exploit it to eventually have me reject my faith in God. And let me tell you sometimes it can be very hard sometimes to not blame God for things or why things aren’t happening. I don’t believe it’s a sin to be angry nor even to be angry at God. However, I’ve been learning that I while I can be angry at my circumstances, I can’t stay that way for very long.

I’m an external processor by nature and I can vent like a champ. If you are willing to listen, I will go over something over and over with you so you can help me figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, how I can fix it or how I can prevent it from happening again. I’ve been realizing that, while there’s nothing wrong with talking about things with others you trust, it may not necessarily be the best thing to do. Sometimes they aren’t the ones you need to go to first with your problems.

I’ve been really working more on my praying and quiet time with God. This means sometimes just having conversations with him vs a long drawn out formal prayer. I’ve been learning to talk to God about everything that’s on my mind. Even though sometimes I feel it’s very trivial, I still tell him. And sooner rather than later, I realize that it’s perfectly fine to go to him with all the concerns I have. Eventually, I begin to notice that a lot of those concerns decrease because I let it go vs holding it back in. Try it. It works wonders.

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

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