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I Saw The Sign

I’m not the type of person that goes around looking for meaning in everything that happens in my life. I don’t try to read into things and I don’t think that anyone can will God into making things appear for you.

And yet for the past few years, I can truly say that I believe that sometimes God does send you signs to show you that He’s watching over you and showing you that yes he indeed is there.

Prayer is a wonderful thing. You can talk to God all the time and tell Him everything. It’s how He wants us to communicate with him and therefore the relationship (just like with any other kind) grows stronger. But sometimes you feel like you’re not getting any feedback and you feel like you’re just talking to no one. It can become extremely frustrating when you want an answer.

I myself have yelled several time at God to “PLEASE JUST GIVE ME  A SIGN SO THAT I KNOW THAT YOU’RE THERE!” Of course I’m always half afraid that right after I say that, something’s going to blow up right next to me but thankfully that usually that isn’t the case.

Instead I think (and I may be wrong) that God sometimes finally decides to throw us a bone and just decides to show us something. I know for me, I’ve seen THINGS. Sometimes, it’s exactly what I needed to see and sometimes it’s exactly what I asked for. Then there are also times when God used a repeated sign over and over again to show me that He had not left me or forsaken me. Even though the sign didn’t end up representing what I personally wanted it to be, it instead showed me what God wanted me to see. It became a reminder that His presence was always there.

I personally don’t think it’s always a good idea to demand God to show you a sign. But every now and then there’s no harm in asking. Perhaps it’ll open up your eyes after you see it.

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An Update on Trusting God with the Impossible

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I got a comment the other day from my Trusting God When Thing are Impossible post asking for an update. They wanted to know as I had written that post a few years ago if God had come through for me. This post continually gets hits every week, it’s the second most popular post on my blog. This is something that many people have to struggle with every day.

So has God come through for me since I wrote that post? I will have to answer that as yes*. The * means that He DID work through and made the impossible happen. It just was not the impossible I originally had wanted/planned/hoped but it turned out to be what I needed. Funny how it always works out like that right?

The thing I’ve learned the past two years about trusting God is this: sometimes you have to realize if you are holding onto something because you want it or because you know that God wants it for you. There have been times when I’m 100% certain this is the path God wants me to take and I need to trust that decisions and circumstances will come my way that will lead me toward that path. But then there are other times when it feels more like I’m manipulating the circumstances to make things go the way I want them to and then just trying to credit God with whatever happens.

There were a lot of times over the past two years when I got frustrated because I truly could not see how everything was going to work out the way I had wanted. There are passages in my journal that are basically water stained because I’m crying as I’m writing angrily over how I just could not see how this was going to work out. I knew I had to trust God with everything.and yet it kept seeing more and more impossible each and every day.

But those were the worst days. And even during that time period, I can look back now and see that God really was working behind everything. It sounds so cliché to say this but everything that happened was the best for me at the time. It helped to strengthen my faith and helped me to grow. Looking back now, I can see that what I wanted wasn’t necessarily what was best for me but I needed to go through it.

Everyone’s circumstances is different. And your impossible may actually become a reality. For me what I learned is that you cannot base your trust in “whatever the impossible is”. You have to place the trust in God and that HE is in control and that HE will make whatever your impossible needs to be come true.

All the worries of this world
I will lay them at Your feet
Surrender every anxious thought
For perfect peace, Your perfect peace

All the loved ones I hold dear
All my hopes and dreams and all my fears
I will choose to trust Your name
In everything, with everything
I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able

Oh and addendum: do you know how I know that God was working throughout ALL of this? God kept using Abraham and Sarah’s story as a way to show me to keep trusting in him. When everything was finally revealed at the end of this, the name Sarah became signficant and it really became clear that God was with me the whole time. And all I could do was laugh when I realized this. Never say that God does not have a sense of humor.

“Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” (Genesis 21:6)

I’m still praying and still trusting that God will continue to make what I think is impossible become true for me…..according to His plan.

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That Time I Prayed For Someone I Didn’t Know

I prayed for someone the other day. Now I pray for a lot of people all the time. I pray when people ask me to. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. Except for this time, I didn’t really know the person. In fact, I have no idea if they would know who I am at all.

Wait……What? You prayed for a random person? What if they didn’t want to be prayed for? What if they don’t believe the same things you do? Did you tell them you prayed for them?

Yes, I did pray for a random person. I just felt at that moment that they needed prayer. I didn’t know why or what was going on in their life. They could be living a perfectly happy life with nothing wrong happening at all. They could also be living a life that’s full of turmoil and stress and just hiding it from the rest of the world. It was just one of those times when I felt very strongly about what I needed to do.

Yes, it’s very possible that this person didn’t share my faith at all and could also feel that my praying for them would be intruding on their life. This is why I am not going to walk up to a stranger and just tell them I’m praying for them. People get weirded out by this and I respect someone’s privacy and levels of comfort. Someone may think, keep your prayers and thoughts to yourself and please don’t include me in any of them. For the record, it’s not as if I go around every day being like….who can I inflict my prayer on? No, I fully respect people’s beliefs and privacy.

What would happen if someone else of a different faith from mine did the same thing to me? Honestly, as long as they didn’t wish something negative to happen to me or to others, I’m ok with that.

I will most likely never know what happened that day or what will happen with that person. I do hope all the best for them and that whatever happens in their life is goes the way they want it to. I just know that there have been times in my life when I desperately needed someone to pray for me because I couldn’t on my own but I couldn’t tell anyone. Honestly it was kind of a weird moment for me too. Why am I praying for this person? I don’t know who they are. I don’t know what’s going on in their lives. They could be creeped out if they know what I was doing. And yet, I knew it was the right thing to do. There have been times when things could have only happened because of someone praying for me. I’m sure that throughout my life there have been tons of people praying about me, some that I know and some that I don’t.

I know that I did what I needed to do. And God will take care of the rest.

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Shattering an Image Doesn’t Always Mean Bad Luck

The other night there was a women’s event at my church. Now I think I’ve talked about this on here before but I get excited when there’s an event at church that is for ALL the women and not just for moms. I’m thrilled that there’s so many programs for moms and hopefully one day I’ll be able to do that but as I’m not in that stage of life, I tend to feel very left out. So anytime I hear about an event for all women, I will jump at the chance to attend.

This specific event featured a speaker that talked about shattered images and what it really means to be a godly woman. It was awesome how much I got out of her talk. It just really felt like I could relate to what she was saying despite not being in the same stage of life. I didn’t feel like I was being left behind or outside the circle. Maybe it was because this was what I needed to hear but everything in the talk just clicked with me.

In keeping with last week’s post about social media, I realize that I’ve created an image of what I SHOULD be like based on what I see my friends and others are doing in their own lives. For me it’s actually not the media or celebrities that influence me because I know that I will never come close to achieving their lifestyle and I’m perfectly ok with it. There are though some bloggers that do make me feel woefully inadequate because in their posts they look like they have perfect everything from hair to food to photography to the damn blog itself and how professional it looks. That can be extremely intimidating but then I remind myself again that bloggers are trying to reach their audience (and also the possibility of making money) and therefore they are only going to showcase their best lest they lose both.

But yet for some reason, that same line of reasoning doesn’t seem to compute as easily in my head with people I know. I see what they post online and even though with some people I know fully well what is going on in their lives, they still come across as perfect to me. They may have the worst lives ever but I will never know this because all they project is an image of bliss and happiness.

I see all these women and it’s so hard to NOT compare myself to them. When I do this, I mean it’s no wonder that the life I want to have seems like it’ll never happen. Because they seem to be everything that I can never be no matter how hard I try. Moment of truth: there are days when it’s incredibly painful to hear your friends talk about their children and how they are expecting more, how much they love their marriage or hearing of an engagement, buying a house or just being excited to have a place to decorate, not having to worry about money and can take trips whenever they want, or even just have someone take care of them when they are sick and not have to worry about dying alone and no one noticing.

The absolute worst (and I really should not be doing this, why I torture myself is beyond me) is when I see pictures and posts from the wives of any of my exes or guys that it didn’t work out with. Because all I see is just constant visual reminders of me not being what they wanted and makes me feel like I’m never going to be good enough.

This type of perspective even skews what my image of what a godly woman should look like. Because to me she is someone who is married, has kids, very hospitable, always wanting to serve, patient, full of grace, not outspoken, even IF she has awkward moments she plays it off easily and is incredibly humble. I see other women in church who I know are older than me but with their perfect hair, makeup, and figure look like they are years younger. They have kids but you’d never know it based on how they look. They appear to be perfectly put together. I know there are struggles behind the appearance but let’s be honest, they aren’t going to share them with me and do I really need to know everything? No.

We hold ourselves to a standard that can never be reached and then we hold each other to yet an even higher standard. These are all images that I need to shatter. Because honestly, what really matters (and this was my takeaway from the event) is that IF I am TRULY honest about my faith then I am an image bearer of God. Therefore I really need to stop comparing myself to anyone else. This goes for both people in the church as well as others out of it. If I’m supposed to be representing God, then I’ll do it in my own way and not everyone else’s.

I really don’t want to be like everyone because I’m not like everyone else. And I want people to see how different I am because of my faith. Not that I’m going around preaching at everyone or trying to convert anyone I come in contact with. But instead through how I act and that means with my own way of doing things. Sure it may mean being the quirky one that stands out awkwardly but that’s how God wants me to be. I won’t be the person with the perfect hair everyone envies and I may not (yet) have a husband and children who I can share stories about to others.

But….I am me. Sometimes I wonder if God made a mistake when He made me and that even though I know I was created in God’s own image perhaps He got a bit distracted with me and I came out slightly flawed in comparison with everyone else. Ultimately, I know that it’s not true. It’s funny because all my life I’ve wanted to blend in with everyone else so that I wouldn’t stand out. Now I’m realizing that standing out could be a good thing.

My story is different from others. I’ve been realizing that my spiritual gift is leaning towards encouragement as I tend to do this, many times without even trying, it just happens. So I hope that God will use me and my story to help encourage others throughout whatever walk of life they might be in.

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Hints, Allegations, and Things Left Unsaid: Or the Story of My Year So Far

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It’s halfway through April and I’ve still yet to find what my personal theme for this year is going to be. I’m not too worried because I’m sure when I figure out, it’ll make complete sense. That being said, I’m still feeling that the year of “The Impossible Girl” is still lingering over me.

It’s funny because I’m still seeing God working in my life 100% in ways that I did think were impossible in the last few years. It’s kind of freaky to go back and read journal entries and see how much my life has changed in ways that I can only attribute to God working in my life.

One of the things I’ve been asking God to be more of this year is to be more clear to me. When things get murky and not so clear, I tend to get confused and then I wallow in it for a long time. I’ll get stuck trying to figure out details and I just don’t move on. It’s a very horrible feeling and it constantly makes me feel like I’m not trusting God enough because it’s my fault and that I’m doing something wrong.

But weirdly enough this year, I feel like God’s been making things pretty clear in my life almost to the point of bluntness but with a much kinder approach. It’s been kind of cool though. Doors are either closing for good or they’re not even opening at all. This is somewhat nice because it means I can instead focus on other things instead of just standing wondering if I should keep trying to work on that door.

I’ve never been a big fan of people telling me that when God closes a door he opens a window. Because this line from “29/31” by Garfunkel and Oates sums it up perfectly: “You realize that’s a smaller opening, right? You used to be able to walk out the front door and now you have to climb out some slightly ajar window somewhere, possibly falling five stories to your death. That is NOT an upgrade.”

But at the same time, I feel like the doors that have been closing in my life were pretty big things in my past that I needed to let go. These were circumstances where I wasn’t trusting God and was taking them by my own hands and sometimes they ended up working positive and sometimes they didn’t. Either way, in the past month I’ve been seeing them shut one by one, some by my choice, others have definitely caught me off guard at the sudden closure. It’s definitely showing me that I’m not the one in control here. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling and yet….

Does it mean God’s closing the doors just to close them? Is He shutting all of them down because I need to move away from what I once held important in the past?  Or does it mean it’s because He has something planned even better for me? He could be doing either. Again the moral of this story is, gah. I just have to trust Him. You think by now I’d be used to this plan/idea but like I said we all know I’m a late bloomer.

I’m also trying to become more assertive in what I want. Instead of just passively waiting, I’m more actively waiting. This means praying first and seeing if this is something I feel God wants for me and then instead of just waiting for things to magically happen, I go for it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t. I don’t have to sit around getting emotionally invested wondering what might have been.

Does this mean I’m not waiting on God to work in my life? Far from it. I’m still 100% waiting on God to work in my life. I know fully well that He is in control of everything.

I’ll just say right now there’s a small situation in my life that seems SUPER CRAZY INSANE impossible. Almost to the point of I FEEL REALLY STUPID EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT AND HOW I AM VERY SUBTLY MENTIONING IT ON HERE. I’m not going to explain it because really it’s THE MOST ABSURD THING EVER AND THIS MAY BE THE ONLY TIME I EVER TALK ABOUT IT. And yet….I know fully well that God can make the impossible happen. All I can do right is pray that He continues to show me what He wants and to put what He desires into my heart as well. And if it’s not meant to be that He makes it super clear so that I know.

Things may not turn out like I wanted or planned (though it still could) but I know that my God will always come through. Always.

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Inspiration from my Biblical emo boy

Like I said last week, I’ve been doing pretty good. Other than the stoplight incident, I’ve actually been at peace for a while. It’s a little unsettling because I feel like something is going to come at me when I’m not expecting it. It almost makes me feel like I shouldn’t be completely relaxed and need to put my guard up. But I’m not going to sit around and be paranoid all the time. Because it is nice to be at emotional peace and not feel so stressed out all the time.

This may seem familiar to some of you as I wrote this as my Facebook status a few weeks ago but it’s something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit.

I feel like Psalm 13 is an accurate representation of my relationship with God. I love David because he is my emo boy, who feels everything I feel. I can see him getting all loud and frustrated in the first 2/3 of this Psalm, shaking his fists and wanting to punch walls, yelling and crying. Then he sighs, wipes his eyes, blows his nose, and calms down. Because he remembers…it may suck now but because he knows he can trust in God that whatever happens, it will be ok.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.


Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

[Pause]

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.


I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

I really enjoy reading the Psalms because the entire book is so full of emotion. I don’t know how the stereotype of Christianity became one where we’re supposed to know everything and never doubt, question, or have feelings. It doesn’t make us weak or any less in our faith when we get like this. I mean clearly if you read this book, everything is right there with most of them written by David, a man after God’s own heart.

When I read Psalm 13, the first part is when I’m angry and very frustrated with God because it HURTS. Why is He allowing the hurt? Why is just letting everything bad happen to me and everyone else gets to experience all the good things? It’s not me wanting to sound selfish or jealous. It’s crying out from a place of pain. Sure what I go through may not be as bad as what other people do but it’s my suffering and it’s what’s making me feel an emotional breakdown. And comfort from God feels so far away at that point.

Sure David may sound a bit melodramatic and I could see him having to resist the urge to pour out his feeling all over social media. But honestly, even if you keep it completely internal and never say a word to anyone about this, I have a feeling many people can relate to the emotions that happen during this Psalm.

The last few lines, where there’s a sudden shift in the mood, that is where hope and trust comes in. Because you know that it’s going to be ok. That even though it really sucks right now, everything is under control. And for me, right now as I feel like I’m currently ok, it’s a weird moment because I know when I’m in those horrible situations, peace like this seems impossible and so far away. Yet here it is.

Let’s just hope I can remember this when those days come.

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The Incident at the Stoplight

So hi, how are you doing? I’ve been doing great. I honestly have. Life’s been pretty good for the past two months and I’ve been in a good place, a place I have not been in…hmm gosh, maybe 20 years? So yeah, it’s been good and I’ve been happy with myself. I’ve been feeling at peace, it’s been calm, and I’ve been wonderfully stress and anxiety free.

And then I happened to be driving home from a delightful beer tasting one night when I pulled up at stoplight and saw something I was not expecting to see.

Basically listen (or read the lyrics) to this song (just genderswap all the pronouns) and this is what happened:

It was like a punch in the stomach AND the face all at the same time.

Immediately all that peace and calm and happiness I’d been having recently? All erased. Hello stress and anxiety. Because guess what, you’ve been replaced and forgotten about. What?! Why?????

God, why did you have this happen? I could have been perfectly fine not having this incident happen. Doors have already been closed. It’s not like this was a “let’s sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist” type of situation. This was a “I’m done and I’m not looking back and I’ve accepted and am at peace with it all” type of situation. Things were going well. Why did you bring along this bump in the road?

If I had just stayed a bit longer or left earlier from the tasting, I would have missed this incident completely. Or had I not switched lanes mere seconds before. Or why did I choose to turn my head at that particular moment? There are so many factors that could have been changed so this whole thing could have been avoided and I would have driven away and never known what was near me.

Was this a test? Are you trying to see how I would react? Are you trying to humble me? I was freaking out because I thought I was going to be ok and instead now I’m feeling vulnerable and slightly emotional.

This all went through my head in the span of a minute. This was basically me:

But then I also have to look back and see what else happened that day.

I could have faced this completely alone. This could have been a very bad situation for me where I could have completely regressed. Kind of like a relapse after you’ve been clean for a while. Not that I’m personally comparing myself to a recovering addict but you get my drift.

Instead, directly prior to this happening, I had a really good conversation about related topics with a good friend that made me see that I was not alone in how I felt. There was also the realization that it’s not as easy as other people make it out to be. Part of me wonders if perhaps God was trying to humble me a little.

Timing was a factor because it allowed me to not have to face it alone immediately after and instead was able to be talked through the situation with a friend and this gave me time to calm down. I was able to understand why I was having these feelings and that it was ok for me to and no, there wasn’t something wrong with me at all.

Then instead of having to sit alone and dwell on it all night by myself listening to emo music all night, plans had already been made unexpectedly in advance for that night with yet ANOTHER friend. This allowed me to be able to (mostly) forget the entire incident all night and instead have a good time. What are the odds of that?

While I can question God and ask why did He allow this to happen and what was the purpose of all this, at the same time I can also see Him working in this situation. Basically, it was like He knew this was going to happen but He always wanted to show me that He also cared about me to bless me with people before and afterwards. It was like, He was showing me, You may not have gotten the love you wanted, but look how much I still love you. I also did find myself praying which is probably the reaction I needed to do anyways.

So yeah, I’m doing ok. I’m doing good. To quote Good Charlotte: “Everything’s gonna be alright now. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

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Hope in the Midst of Suffering

This past week, our church had a tragedy happen to a family in our congregation. I won’t go into detail on it here but this is a Facebook page where if you want to find out more info you can.

When I first saw the news on Facebook, I didn’t really think twice about it. I didn’t recognize any of the names and as our church is fairly large, I just assumed that it was people who I wasn’t connected with. But then as it kept popping up on my feed from numerous folks, I finally clicked on one of the links. It turned out that even though I was not actually acquainted with the family, I did know who they were.

Several years ago at a women’s brunch, the speaker talked about how she had gone through her divorce and despite how difficult it had been and all the pain she went through, she knew that God was with her through it all. Her talk was so inspiring to me. This is because that was exactly the time when I was in the process of ending my marriage and going through my divorce Her speaking was exactly what I needed to hear. Even though we didn’t go through the same situation, just hearing someone talk about that in the church was a blessing. Though I knew that there were many divorced people in the church, no one really talked about it. To hear her testimony in front of all those women was bold, brave, and incredibly inspiring. It showed me that I wasn’t alone and that I would get through it. I knew that the timing of that could only have come from God.

I never told her how much her talk meant to me. Honestly since that day, I sort of forgot about her because of everything that went through in my life. Until last week, when I saw the news of what happened to her family. And then I remembered. What she has gone through is something no one ever wants to.

This past Sunday, our church did something that we normally don’t do. Instead of continuing his series, our pastor led our church in a time of open grieving and prayer. We were allowed to cry and mourn. We were allowed to ask God why he let things like this happen. But we also were reminded that He is in control and that we can still trust in Him even when we don’t understand why. It was honestly one of the best church services I have ever been to in my life. Like someone in my small group said, it made me know that my church is the right one for me.

One of my biggest fears is that going through a hardship alone. This Sunday showed me that it won’t happen. You may not share my faith and that’s ok. I just know for myself I am glad to be able to have a faith where I know I can have the hope and trust that when hard times happen (and they will happen) I WILL be ok.

But this isn’t about me today. I’ve been praying for this family and I hope and know that the Lord will work through this situation in ways we won’t be able to see until later. His goodness will show. His plan will happen. We shouldn’t lose hope because He is our hope.

 “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:3-4)

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The Year of Learning Life Lessons

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This week, my posts will be taking a look back at 2014 and looking forward to 2015.

We all know I’m a slow learner. I learn things well. It just takes me a while to realize it. I learned a lot of lessons this year. While a lot of you may have known this from the day you entered this world, for me 2014 was the year I finally understood what this all meant.

  • The moment you start wanting/trying to impress someone is the moment they stop caring or noticing.

Almost all of us want to feel affirmation, confirmation, validation that we’ve done something important. Usually what happens is that we want certain people to give that to us. And usually that person just won’t do it. Sometimes they purposely aren’t going to give it. But really most of the time they have no idea that we even want their attention. You will pretty much kill yourself trying to get their approval. The thing is that even when they do, it’s fleeting and it doesn’t last. You want it again and again. Guess what? It’s impossible to keep that momentum going. Stop looking to other people to validate yourself. Having all the likes and toasts and favorites isn’t going to make someone love you more. You will never be good enough for someone else if you don’t love yourself first.

  • Until you learn to forgive someone, trying to stop being angry at them is impossible.

I spent a good portion of the first half of 2014 very angry at someone in my life. I was furious with how they had treated me and how it wasn’t fair that they just walking around like everything was ok but it really wasn’t. Because what they had done (or hadn’t done) hurt me very much. I wanted to erase them out of my life but because of my anger to them it seemed impossible. Then I finally realized that I HAD to forgive them or else this was going to haunt me the rest of the year. It took a while and a LOT of prayer but finally I was able to forgive them. Guess what? The anger disappeared and they did seem to fade out of my life. Now at the end of the year, I look back and it’s amazing the viewpoint of which I hold them now vs. then is a complete 180. This is not to say that they were not wrong for what they did. But because I forgave them, it’s better for everyone. Even if they never realize or own up to their own actions.

  • Sometimes you have to hear the truth in order to move on, no matter how much it hurts you.

I had a long talk with a friend over the summer. And words were said that hurt me VERY much because they were words that I had always suspected about myself but didn’t really want to hear. And it was painful to hear those words said from someone I trusted. But the thing about hearing that was it was what I needed to move on in that certain situation. Sometimes in order to be a good friend, if you know what is truly best for someone you care about, you have to be truthful. Don’t lie, don’t sugarcoat, don’t delay it. You can be blunt without being cruel. Because sometimes that person just needs to hear it and then everyone can move on from there.

  • It is totally cool to be your own person and not be like everyone else.

I know. You’re thinking, “you seriously just found that out this year?” Hey, I just said I didn’t want to be like everyone else. It’s taken me a while to find out who I am. And sometimes I feel VERY different from everyone: how I look, how I act, how I think, what I do, what I like. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong and hence why I feel like I need validation a lot of time. But really, just because I do things differently from the people I am around a lot DOES NOT make me a weird (in a bad way) person that shouldn’t exist. Different is good. You don’t want to be just like everyone else all the time. Rejoice in not being basic! And if people don’t like you for that very reason? That’s on them. NOT you.

  • Stop asking “What did I do wrong” all the time.

Sure, there are times when it really is your fault and you really are to be blamed for something. But truthfully, 99% of the time, you KNOW this already. If you honestly can’t figure out what you’ve done wrong to offend someone, make them stop talking to you, make them mad at you, etc. and they aren’t telling you, then guess what. It’s something with them, not you. It sucks because it’s again usually someone you care about a lot, whose view of you means a great deal to you. But if they don’t have the courage to confront you on what you did and instead give you the silent treatment and ignore you? Forget them. Don’t sit around wondering about what’s wrong with you. Either you’ll realize it eventually or there never was anything you could have done anyways.

  • God knows what you need and even then He’ll give you more than you expected.

2014 was the year I was The Impossible Girl. Despite not knowing at all what this year would bring and knowing that I would be trusting God completely with everything, there was still some things that I wanted to happen this year. I saw it as pretty damn near impossible for them to actually happen. It would have required a lot of work from God and none from me.

Instead something else happened. Something that I also thought would be impossible.

I’ve seen God work in my life in so many ways. In the beginning of the year, I had a job that I was told would last me at least 2 years. Instead it ended up lasting only 4 months. Thus I became unemployed again for the second time in less than a year. Definitely not fun at all. There was a lot of having to trust God this past year. It started getting to the point where I literally began to worry that I wouldn’t be able to even live up here anymore.

There were a lot of times when I kept questioning God this year. Why did He keep blessing other people and I was left sitting here? Why were other people’s prayers getting answered and I’m left wondering what I’ve done to displease Him so much? Why was He giving people things that they didn’t even really want or giving others EXACTLY what they wanted and I’m praying every day for things to happen and they aren’t? Why do I have these desires in my heart if He possibly doesn’t want me to have them?

But then something awesome happened over the summer. I thought it was going to be the worst summer ever because I was unemployed, had no money to spend and I’d be at home all the time with nothing to do. Instead, I kept winning everything under the sun. I’m sure people got sick and tired and annoyed every time I posted that I won something. But to me, it was like God saying, Let me show you how much I love you. BOOM BOOM BOOM. Every week it was something different. Heck even sometimes several times a week. Once, it was several times a DAY.

It didn’t stop. Just when I was giving up all hope of a job ever coming, I randomly got two interviews within a span of a week to places I had long since given up hope but where I REALLY wanted to work. The funny part about the two jobs? Several years ago I had interviewed for both these positions and was turned down. It was like reliving my life all over again. It was like God saying to me, You thought you wanted this back then and it was only half as good as what it is now. Let me show you something that’s even better than what you thought you wanted. And I got the job from the place I really wanted and it’s been beyond excellent. Better than I could have ever imagined.

My other prayer? Well I think for right now God wants me to just keep waiting on Him. It’ll be ok. I’ve been through a lot this year and after letting things go and closing doors, I can finally move forward. So yeah, sometimes you think you want something and it seems like it’s meant to be. And maybe if the timelines were different, yeah it would have worked out and been perfect. But maybe it’s not the right time now or maybe it isn’t ever going to happen. Whatever it is, I know that God’s got it all figured out and I really should just let him handle it.

I don’t know what is going to happen this upcoming year. This is the first time in years that I have nothing holding me back. And it’s scary. But I’m going to embrace the unknown and I look forward to it. I don’t know what kind of girl I’ll be next year but I’ll figure it out soon enough.

So to 2015? BRING IT.

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Enough. Enough Now.

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I’ve talked a lot on this blog (as well as outside of it) about having to trust God when things seem impossible. About how I’ve been spending a lot of time waiting on God to see if what He promises will come true. How I’ve walked away from doors, leaving them open but turning my back on them and not looking back though still hoping.

Well the time has finally come to close a particular door.loveactually2

I’m being rather vague about this because it doesn’t need to be blasted in detail on the internet though if you know me in person you’ll probably have figured out what it is by now. But the actual reason for prompting this post really doesn’t matter. It’s what I learned from this entire experience that does.

I have probably mentioned this already so forgive me if I’m just repeating myself. When I share how I feel with someone I’m close to, I’m very open with how I feel because I trust you and I feel that you are a safe person for me to share what is going on in my life. I will not just spill my guts out to just any person. I’m actually more guarded with my life than you’d think. But at the same time, even as I’m talking to you, I’m also thinking I really don’t want you judging me. I just want you to listen.loveactually3

For the record I know that there are some of you who it just in your nature to want to give out advice. I know that you totally mean well when you do this. It’s just that because I know you’re already forming in your mind what you thought I should have done instead or how I really should feel or have I thought about it from the other point of view, it makes me having conversations with myself WHILE I’m talking to you. I’m doing it RIGHT NOW in fact because I know what the opposition to my decision will say. Plus I also realize things that I shouldn’t have done. But isn’t that part of knowing you’ve grown up?

That being said, it’s weird how there are certain situations you can be in where even though you know you’re not being selfish, but that’s how it’s going to come across. But you have to take care of yourself first because if you’re not at your best, how can you expect to make others better? If I truly want to love others as I love myself, I have to love myself first. And taking care of me means loving myself so that I can love and take care of others properly.

I’m still not sure why all this happened. It wasn’t part of the plan. If I had had my way, I would have avoided everything regarding this and never gotten involved. But God had other plans. And maybe one day I’ll get to ask him why. I’m still not sure if there was any good in for me throughout all this. I want to believe that there was good in it for others because surely something beautiful came out of all this mess.

I’ve cried a lot over the last three years. I feel like that’s enough tears that needs to be shed. I know that it’s time to move forward and stop looking back.

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It’s time for me to finally close the door. To not leave it hanging open just in case. For me to walk away and never turn back and look. And know that everything is going to be ok. To know that I’m not going to lose my faith in God over this. That even though I may question and briefly doubt that I ultimately know that He still will keep his promises. I shall not be afraid.

I wrote this in my journal about 2 and a half years ago. I still feel it’s relevant today.

Right now I’m being pretty strong about this but I know also that days will come when I am going to feel really weak and emotional.  I am going to feel like I’m not good enough or that something is wrong with me.  I wish I could say that I am stronger than all that but I know that I am human and the temptation to listen to those lies is going to be really strong.  It’s going to hurt like hell……  Right now I want to say that I can deal with it and be strong and keep going.  But really what will probably happen is that I will cry, curse things, and be miserable.  What I’m hoping is that God will give me strength, wisdom, clarity, and peace throughout all this. I know that He wants me to wait.  I know that he wants me to trust in Him.  I know that I shouldn’t be letting my emotions control me..

The rational side in me wants all this. God has told me that if I trust in Him, the outcome will be good. Now I don’t know what the outcome is. I have no idea WHEN it is either.  I know that it is up to you Lord and you make all things work together for our good.  I think that is pretty much the story here.

So we’re good here? We’re good.