Like I said last week, I’ve been doing pretty good. Other than the stoplight incident, I’ve actually been at peace for a while. It’s a little unsettling because I feel like something is going to come at me when I’m not expecting it. It almost makes me feel like I shouldn’t be completely relaxed and need to put my guard up. But I’m not going to sit around and be paranoid all the time. Because it is nice to be at emotional peace and not feel so stressed out all the time.
This may seem familiar to some of you as I wrote this as my Facebook status a few weeks ago but it’s something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit.
I feel like Psalm 13 is an accurate representation of my relationship with God. I love David because he is my emo boy, who feels everything I feel. I can see him getting all loud and frustrated in the first 2/3 of this Psalm, shaking his fists and wanting to punch walls, yelling and crying. Then he sighs, wipes his eyes, blows his nose, and calms down. Because he remembers…it may suck now but because he knows he can trust in God that whatever happens, it will be ok.
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
I really enjoy reading the Psalms because the entire book is so full of emotion. I don’t know how the stereotype of Christianity became one where we’re supposed to know everything and never doubt, question, or have feelings. It doesn’t make us weak or any less in our faith when we get like this. I mean clearly if you read this book, everything is right there with most of them written by David, a man after God’s own heart.
When I read Psalm 13, the first part is when I’m angry and very frustrated with God because it HURTS. Why is He allowing the hurt? Why is just letting everything bad happen to me and everyone else gets to experience all the good things? It’s not me wanting to sound selfish or jealous. It’s crying out from a place of pain. Sure what I go through may not be as bad as what other people do but it’s my suffering and it’s what’s making me feel an emotional breakdown. And comfort from God feels so far away at that point.
Sure David may sound a bit melodramatic and I could see him having to resist the urge to pour out his feeling all over social media. But honestly, even if you keep it completely internal and never say a word to anyone about this, I have a feeling many people can relate to the emotions that happen during this Psalm.
The last few lines, where there’s a sudden shift in the mood, that is where hope and trust comes in. Because you know that it’s going to be ok. That even though it really sucks right now, everything is under control. And for me, right now as I feel like I’m currently ok, it’s a weird moment because I know when I’m in those horrible situations, peace like this seems impossible and so far away. Yet here it is.
Let’s just hope I can remember this when those days come.