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Inspiration from my Biblical emo boy

Like I said last week, I’ve been doing pretty good. Other than the stoplight incident, I’ve actually been at peace for a while. It’s a little unsettling because I feel like something is going to come at me when I’m not expecting it. It almost makes me feel like I shouldn’t be completely relaxed and need to put my guard up. But I’m not going to sit around and be paranoid all the time. Because it is nice to be at emotional peace and not feel so stressed out all the time.

This may seem familiar to some of you as I wrote this as my Facebook status a few weeks ago but it’s something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit.

I feel like Psalm 13 is an accurate representation of my relationship with God. I love David because he is my emo boy, who feels everything I feel. I can see him getting all loud and frustrated in the first 2/3 of this Psalm, shaking his fists and wanting to punch walls, yelling and crying. Then he sighs, wipes his eyes, blows his nose, and calms down. Because he remembers…it may suck now but because he knows he can trust in God that whatever happens, it will be ok.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.


Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

[Pause]

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.


I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

I really enjoy reading the Psalms because the entire book is so full of emotion. I don’t know how the stereotype of Christianity became one where we’re supposed to know everything and never doubt, question, or have feelings. It doesn’t make us weak or any less in our faith when we get like this. I mean clearly if you read this book, everything is right there with most of them written by David, a man after God’s own heart.

When I read Psalm 13, the first part is when I’m angry and very frustrated with God because it HURTS. Why is He allowing the hurt? Why is just letting everything bad happen to me and everyone else gets to experience all the good things? It’s not me wanting to sound selfish or jealous. It’s crying out from a place of pain. Sure what I go through may not be as bad as what other people do but it’s my suffering and it’s what’s making me feel an emotional breakdown. And comfort from God feels so far away at that point.

Sure David may sound a bit melodramatic and I could see him having to resist the urge to pour out his feeling all over social media. But honestly, even if you keep it completely internal and never say a word to anyone about this, I have a feeling many people can relate to the emotions that happen during this Psalm.

The last few lines, where there’s a sudden shift in the mood, that is where hope and trust comes in. Because you know that it’s going to be ok. That even though it really sucks right now, everything is under control. And for me, right now as I feel like I’m currently ok, it’s a weird moment because I know when I’m in those horrible situations, peace like this seems impossible and so far away. Yet here it is.

Let’s just hope I can remember this when those days come.

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The Best Way to Clear Your Mind

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I took a walk tonight.

I know. That sounds ….thrilling. But it’s really amazing how much it helps.

I have had a lot going on in my mind over the past few days and I just needed to get out of my room and out of my head. I decided to took a 2 mile walk. I didn’t jog or run. Just walked. It’s been rather cool over the past few days and I know that soon the heat and humidity will come. So I just enjoyed a nice casual but brisk walk around my neighborhood.

It was good to get away from the computer screen and just be by myself for a while. I did take my phone in case of emergency but I wasn’t constantly on it. I just wanted to spend time gaining clarity and letting my mind get clear from all the things that have been running through my head lately.

If you happened to pass me as I walking, you may have thought I was slightly nuts because I was talking to myself but really I was praying. For me, I find it better for me to pray out loud because it gives me a better sense of what I want to say to God.

The other night I was unable to go to sleep due to feeling very emotionally restless about something to the point where I started crying in bed. Since I was unable to go to sleep, I got up and went online to read some devotions and the Bible. Lo and behold the very first devotion I pulled up was just based on this verse: “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(Nehemiah 8:10b) And I’m like “Lord, are you kidding me? It’s like you knew.” I then just started praying a lot and about an hour later, I was finally able to go to sleep.

The next morning, I look up another devotional site I visit and for that day, the post was simply asking people to tell them in the comments what they were struggling with and needed prayer for, and then asked everyone to pray for each other. So I left a comment and I felt very blessed to know that there were people praying for me at that moment from all over the world. Again, it felt like God knew that I was going to need that.

Therefore I know that God will provide me with what I need when I need it, even when I don’t realize it. And what I needed tonight was just a clear mind and wisdom. I wanted to make sure that what was going on with me now was not something controlled by emotions or being swayed by what seemed rational at the moment. Being trapped in one’s own head can lead to disastrous results and I needed to have clarity before making any decisions.

My walk did just that. I felt all fuzzy headed when I started and by the time I got back I felt at peace. It was a lovely talk with God with no distractions and also felt good about myself. I was able to pray without distractions and I felt God lifting the confusion. Basically I let him know how I felt, what I would like for him to do, and that I was just going to let things go and let him handle it and I was going to choose not to worry about it.

Interestingly since I got back, he’s already answered one of those requests.

So yeah, take a walk. It’ll do you good.

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Finding Peace (aka I can breathe normal again)

So a few weeks ago I wrote a post on trusting God when things seem impossible. I’ve been encouraged by the feedback I’ve gotten for it. It’s been really good to hear other people share their experiences with me.

In the past few weeks my church did a series entitled The Missing Peace. The series dealt with what is the concept of peace, how to find peace, and being peacemakers. The congregation was also encouraged to send questions via email about these topics. I didn’t submit a question, mainly because I wasn’t quite sure exactly how to phrase what I wanted to ask about knowing when to give up vs when to keep praying and trusting in terms of finding peace; also I was slightly terrified they would use names when asking the question and I didn’t want to risk that. (I know, I have no problems saying this on my blog which is PUBLIC but God forbid people in my church found out! Yes I see the ridiculousness in that as well. I encourage you to laugh at/with me.)

Thanks to the messages in the series and discussion with my small group afterwards, I decided to have a good long talk with God about my life and things I’ve been struggling with.  And after I was done, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a peace about things in my life. It’s been a while (or perhaps even never) that I’ve had the sense of peace that’s come over me.

I still have NO IDEA what’s going to happen in my life. I am still going to feel anxious and worry at times. That’s normal and natural. If I didn’t feel like that, then I’m not a human. Struggles WILL happen. But the thing is, this time I feel that God’s given me a sense of direction of what he wants me to do in my life right now. And he’s telling me “You’ve done everything you can. Now give it over me and trust me.” And for the first time ever in this area of my life, I’m finally relinquishing that control and I’m letting him take over.

When I did that, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of me. I can’t begin to tell you what a difference that’s made in my life since doing that. Honestly the simple act of giving over my worries and anxieties over to God has made me feel so much lighter and less stressed. I’ve had several friends remark on how I seem a lot better, not stressed out as much, and seem calm compared to where I was a few months ago. What normally would be an antagonizing and emotional time for me, where I withdraw and become angst filled, has instead been a time where I am feeling relatively motivated, happy, and overall peace filled.

God’s been showing me more since I asked him to (doors have been shut and sealed, while others still remain open). Even simple little prayer requests that would have seemed very trivial beforehand, I’m now asking God and they are getting answered. And then I’m seeing him working in other areas, some I didn’t even consider and now I realize it’s all happened because of Him. Just more reassurances of what happens when you trust in Him.

It’s funny how certain parts of our lives we can trust God completely and know that he will take care and provide for us without a doubt.  Then there are other parts where we fight and wrestle for control with God because we don’t trust him enough to fulfill and meet those areas of our lives. Even though the obvious answer is that of course God will meet all our needs, it’s just in his time and not ours. Part of our responsibility is to just let go and let him take over. And once you reach that point, it honestly becomes so much better.

When you learn to surrender & let go rather than cling & control..everything falls into place as it should. – The Single Woman

Just an addendum: I’m not going to sugarcoat things and tell you this was an easy choice for me. It’s hard. It may seem like the obvious thing to do, but you have to make the choice to get to this decision and it can take a long time before you realize what you need to do. Just keep praying and trusting and stay strong in your faith. And it’s ok when you have down days and feel like you don’t understand things. You are normal. Take heart.

  • “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” (Psalm 25:4-7)