0

To the Class of _______

It’s that time of year where graduations are happening all over the country. Everyone has their cap and gown and is highly relived that school is FINALLY over. (Though paying back loans has just begun!)

I didn’t attend my undergrad graduation because well….after attending three schools to finish it, it just didn’t seem like a big deal to me. I just didn’t really care to be honest. I know a bunch of people get really attached to their undergrad years and it IS a big deal to them. But for me, I just wanted to get the degree and move on with my life. Plus we didn’t have a really cool commencement speaker (I think ours may have been our US senator….yawn) so there really was no incentive for me to go.

For my graduate degree commencement ceremony, while I didn’t attend the huge school one, I did attend for my school itself. And I’m glad I did because this time I did have friends I could walk the stage with and it was a very big moment for me. Granted, technically I didn’t graduate on that night (I still had my internship to complete over the summer) so technically I didn’t get my diploma until August. And of course since it’s me as I walked the stage, my cap fell off….TWICE. But it was a proud moment for me and for my family. Because I actually finished graduate school!

That night ended up being difficult for several reasons but knowing that I was 98% done with the school chapter in my life (at the time) was a huge blessing. I’m trying to make decision now about whether I should go back to school again, this time to get my library science degree. I’m still not 100% sure yet if this is something I want to do. Do I want to go back to school again? Do I want to pay money again? Do I need a second master’s degree? Lots of thought (and prayer) before making this decision.

But for now, congrats to all the graduates – college and high school.

Advertisements
0

Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing

I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been in love exactly three times in my life. Each time was a different stage in my life. I may not have handled some of them the way I would do now but each time falling in and out of love was a learning experience. Each time and person helped shaped me to be the person that I was today (for better or worse) and though I would possibly change some things, I have to also accept this is what was meant to be.

Now I know there’s some of you out there who have never fallen in love before. There are others of you all there who fall in and out of love so many times that you can’t keep track of the all. And yet there’s still others of you out there who are married to the only person you’ve ever fallen in love with.

Kudos for all of you who are in whatever situation you happen to be in.

I never really understood how growing up I was supposed to avoid having affections for other people. I know that there’s a big movement in the church of emotional purity where you don’t give your heart away and experience heartache. Parents don’t want their child to focus on things like this at such a young age because they aren’t ready for it. We must avoid anything that could compromise their hearts! Well, honestly unless you completely isolate someone with no human interaction, it’s near impossible to do this.

The thing with falling in love is that even if you only fall in love once, you’re going to get hurt. It is inevitable. Because no matter what happens, that other person is going to break your heart at some point. Sure, you can make up and all will be well. But the hurt that comes from having your heart broken is worse than any other pain in the world.

Loving someone is a risk and sometimes it doesn’t pay off. Sometimes you fall out of love with each other. Sometimes the other person doesn’t return your love. You may disagree but I don’t think you can control who your heart initially wants to be with it. You can choose your actions on how you choose to proceed afterwards and sometimes you shouldn’t always follow your heart. But sometimes you can’t choose who you fall in love with. But you can be careful on who you give it away to. Love and care but don’t give your heart away to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Is it better to love and lost than to never have loved at all? Or would “I rather hurt than feel nothing at all?”

With falling in love three times and getting hurt three times, it’s safe to say that my heart is not brand new. It does have some cracks in it. It has been broken a few times and needed repair and restoration. It’s not factory sealed and never been used. Whoever ends up earning my heart for the long run will hopefully understand this. But experience has made me stronger and wiser person. It’s taught me that I shouldn’t just give my heart away to anyone. And that God is the only one that can fully fill and heal my heart.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

Until the time comes, my prayer is that He keeps my heart slow.

0

Way to Take a Compliment

The other day at church, the person sitting next to me complimented me on my singing during the service. I was like “what?” and literally turned and looked at the person sitting behind them to make sure he hadn’t heard them by mistake. They then told me that they had enjoyed hearing me singing during worship. I replied “Oh. Um thank you.” This completely confused me.

Why? Because in my entire being of existence, I cannot recall a time when anyone has complimented me on my singing. Sure I sang in chorus from Kindergarten through 5th grade but it’s not like they’re going to turn anyone away. While no one has ever said my singing was BAD, I just assumed that the lack of anyone talking about just meant I did not have a good singing voice. Thus someone complimenting me was a real shock.

Compliments are funny that way. The definition of a compliment is “a polite expression of praise or admiration.”

I never know how to act when I get a compliment. Yes the most natural thing to do is just accept it and reply “thank you”. But then something like this might happen.

I mean how the hell are you supposed to respond to that in real life? Gah.

It’s kind of hard for me to take a lot of compliments. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve the compliment. Sometimes I wonder if the person complimenting me made a mistake or even if they are making fun of me. Sadly that’s happened in the past when I thought someone was being serious and accepted the compliment only to find out they were joking.

Growing up in an Asian family, we didn’t receive that many compliments. No matter how well you did, you could always do better.

It’s not that my parents didn’t love me, far from it. It’s just compliments don’t come easily in a lot of Asian culture. And if they do, you’re supposed to play them off and downgrade yourself because you could always be better.

There’s also stuff I learned in church and how you can’t be too prideful. I mean, when I was growing up, we were told in Sunday School that it was a bad thing to make the focus go back on you and should try to play off getting all the glory because it should go to God instead. You should be all humble instead because you didn’t really do it, God did.

Some people I know have no problem accepting compliments. There are some that thrive on them to the point where they are begging people to give them compliments so they know they are doing ok in life. I need to find some happy medium.

This passage from an article in Relevant made me feel a bit better about all this

An artist and performer herself, she too had encountered the compliment conundrum, so-to-speak, and somewhere along the way someone had shared this with her: “Each time you receive a compliment, you accept it as a rose in honor of the Father, a rose that you in turn take and lay at His feet.” In all its simplicity, I was immediately struck with the surprising profundity of that image. It made so much sense, echoing the sentiments of those elders of Revelation who lay their crowns before the throne: “You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being” (Revelation 4:10, TNIV).
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/2516-to-lay-down-a-rose

So to bring this back around full circle, I know you’re slightly curious to hear what I actually sound like. Believe me, I still don’t think I sound that good at all and I’m not trying to get you to tell me that I do. But for sh*ts and giggles, here’s a clip of me singing karaoke almost exactly 3 years ago with some friends. I’d like to point out that it was a good night, I have excellent friends, and that song had so much meaning at the time. Hah.

0

This is the Song That Never Ends

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day (because let’s face it, interactions with my friends influence a lot of these blog posts) about music. They were slightly embarrassed because a song that had huge meaning for them in high school was the perfect anthem to describe what was going on in their life right now. My response was something like “Please, I do that all the time. There is no shame in that.”

It’s actually kind of crazy how it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, there are some songs that seem to fit the occasion when it seems fit. It’s funny because I used these songs as away messages on AIM as a very emo college freshman. Now as a 30 something, these songs still perfectly describe my life, even in completely different situations.

Disclaimer: I’m not saying these songs describe how my life is RIGHT NOW. These are just some of the songs that seem to pass the test of time.

“Change” by Good Charlotte

I am lost in the see-through
I think you lost yourself too
Throughout all of this confusion
I hope I somehow get to you
I practiced all the things I’d say
To tell you how I feel
And when I finally get my chance
It all seems so surreal
Cause from the first time I saw you
I only thought about you
I didn’t know you
I wanted to hold onto
The things you’d never say to me
Cause you said
You can’t change the way you feel

“Found Out About You” by Gin Blossoms

All last summer in case you don’t recall
I was yours and you were mine forget it all
Is there a line that I could write
Sad enough to make you cry
All the lines you wrote to me were lies
The months roll past the love that you struck dead
Did you love me only in my head?
Things you said and did to me
Seemed to come so easily
The love I thought I’d won you give for free

“Vegas” by New Found Glory

It’s so amazing how people can be held down
By just one person that doesn’t even care what they think
I know it’s so stupid

“In the End” by Linkin Park

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when…
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

When there have been thousands of books, songs, and movies written about how exactly you feel, then you cannot say no knows how you feel.

1

The Two Questions I am Asked ALL THE TIME

I’ve been around for a little over 30 years. And ever since I started socially interacting with people, I’ve found that on a regular basis I get asked the same two questions ALL THE TIME. They are asked by a myriad of folk, young and old, strangers and casual acquaintances, all sorts of backgrounds. I’ve never really understood how some people consider these questions to be ice breaker topics but whatevs.

1. Where are you from?

2. No, where are you REALLY from?

If you ask me in this way, I’m going to tell you the truth. I am a Virginia girl and have been my entire life.

I was born in Southwest Virginia, I grew up in Southeast Virginia, and I currently live in Northern Virginia.

Technically, I’m a Southern girl.(I say technically because personally I do not feel that Virginia is in the South. Geographically, I’m not sure why Virginia was in the Confederacy because when you look at the map, we’re sticking WAY UP compared to the rest of the states). I say “y’all”. I used to watch NASCAR. I drink way too much sweet tea. I am happiest with Southern comfort food. And it could have been worse. My dad turned down a job in Alabama when we were very young. I could have been the Asian girl with the thick Southern accent who had to make a choice between going to Alabama or Auburn.

People get really disappointed when I say this though. But if you ask me where I’m from, this is where I’m from. I’m proud to be a Virginian. It’s so different in each part of Virginia. Southwest Virginia has mountains and the Hokies. Southeast Virginia has the beach, Pharrell and Rudy from the first season of Survivor. And Northern Virginia is where EVERYTHING’s at. Our state is full of history (part of the reason why I did study history) and there’s so many awesome things about it. Seriously I do love my state.

Oh I see. You want to know my ethnic background. You want to know where my ancestors are from. Because Asian looking people could not have originated in Virginia. (I could argue Pocahontas and the rest of the Native Americans.) Well you see, when you phrase it the way I listed above, you’ve basically telling me I don’t belong here. And that everything I just told you about MY life here in Virginia doesn’t matter to you. When you ask it in this way, you’re not interested in issues that I may have faced as an Asian American in predominately white community or discussing stereotypes that Asian Americans face. That is not why you are asking.

I am open to talking about my ethnicity because believe it or not, I DO realize I’m not white. (Maybe on the inside only) Truthfully though, I just look Asian, I’m really more American because that’s all I know. I am respectful of my background and culture and I do try to learn more, but if you’re trying to get the deep lowdown on Asian culture, I am not the best person to go to unfortunately.

To sum this up, if you want to know, it’s perfectly fine. Just ask politely. Don’t demand it. This goes across the board with asking ANYONE about their background. If you’re curious, it’s ok. We don’t mind talking. Just think before you ask. That is all.

And to answer your next few questions before you ask

    • No, I’m not an expert with chopsticks
    • No, I don’t like anime
    • No, I’m not super good at math
    • No, I don’t know martial arts
    • Yes, I do eat a lot of rice
1

I’m a Cereal Girl

I ran out of milk the other day. I know, boring story who doesn’t run out of milk? It’s weird though, because there are some days when I’ll have to throw out even a half-gallon (hey, it’s just me drinking it) because I didn’t get it all finished in time before the expiration date. THen there are days when it’s gone in less than a week. It took me a while but I finally discovered why.

Milk disappears when I have cereal in the house.

I am one of those types of people who love cereal. It’s true. Sugary cereal. Healthy cereal. Cold cereal. Hot cereal. It’s ALL good.

This is me basically:

Growing up cereal was a treat in our house. We always had at least one box to share between the three of us. However my mom was pretty choosy over what we could get. We could only get “the good stuff” if it was $2 or less. This meant that getting stuff like Froot Loops or Lucky Charms could only happen when they went on sale. This made it all the more challenging and worth it because you never knew what was going to available at the store. Also there were cool toys and things to be had in cereal boxes but really for us, the actual cereal was more exciting.

I still carry on this tradition to this day as an adult. I only get cereal when it’s on sale for $2 or less. My only exception is granola. But it really is amazing how if you just wait, you’ll be able to get all the delicious cereal at some point. And when they do go on sale, I make sure to stock up. Currently I have Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, and Reeses’ Cereal. This is why my milk disappears.

My favorite movie theater, the Alamo Drafthouse, has a cartoon cereal party series they host often where for $5 you can watch 2 hours of cartoon on the big screen PLUS get all the sugary cereal you can eat. And milk. It’s the best deal ever. Last time I had about 5 bowls of Froot Loops, Cocoa Krispies, and Apple Jacks. It’s like your childhood dreams have come true.

Cereal is like candy. But it’s also healthy when you want it to be. I do also enjoy a bowl of (Honey Nut) Cheerios or (Frosted) Shredded Wheat. The clusters in Honey Bunch of Oats are the best. Top them off with fruit and you got yourself a balanced breakfast.

There are some cereals that I miss and wish would make a comeback. Rice Krispies Treat cereal. And Oreo Os. Also I have never been a fan of any of the Captain Crunches. Interestingly also we never bought the bag cereal. I realize it’s basically the same but something about a bag vs box makes me choose a box every time. I have also found that the generic cereal is just as good and can be cheaper but if the price is the same, I’ll choose brand name. I know, weird.

Seriously though cereal is the best. It is a quick and easy meal when you don’t feel like cooking. I realize there are folks out there that don’t like it. And it’s ok. We all can’t be awesome.

Like this restaurant. Which is the dream.

0

The Year of Learning Life Lessons

drawn-sand-beach-new-year-43591827

This week, my posts will be taking a look back at 2014 and looking forward to 2015.

We all know I’m a slow learner. I learn things well. It just takes me a while to realize it. I learned a lot of lessons this year. While a lot of you may have known this from the day you entered this world, for me 2014 was the year I finally understood what this all meant.

  • The moment you start wanting/trying to impress someone is the moment they stop caring or noticing.

Almost all of us want to feel affirmation, confirmation, validation that we’ve done something important. Usually what happens is that we want certain people to give that to us. And usually that person just won’t do it. Sometimes they purposely aren’t going to give it. But really most of the time they have no idea that we even want their attention. You will pretty much kill yourself trying to get their approval. The thing is that even when they do, it’s fleeting and it doesn’t last. You want it again and again. Guess what? It’s impossible to keep that momentum going. Stop looking to other people to validate yourself. Having all the likes and toasts and favorites isn’t going to make someone love you more. You will never be good enough for someone else if you don’t love yourself first.

  • Until you learn to forgive someone, trying to stop being angry at them is impossible.

I spent a good portion of the first half of 2014 very angry at someone in my life. I was furious with how they had treated me and how it wasn’t fair that they just walking around like everything was ok but it really wasn’t. Because what they had done (or hadn’t done) hurt me very much. I wanted to erase them out of my life but because of my anger to them it seemed impossible. Then I finally realized that I HAD to forgive them or else this was going to haunt me the rest of the year. It took a while and a LOT of prayer but finally I was able to forgive them. Guess what? The anger disappeared and they did seem to fade out of my life. Now at the end of the year, I look back and it’s amazing the viewpoint of which I hold them now vs. then is a complete 180. This is not to say that they were not wrong for what they did. But because I forgave them, it’s better for everyone. Even if they never realize or own up to their own actions.

  • Sometimes you have to hear the truth in order to move on, no matter how much it hurts you.

I had a long talk with a friend over the summer. And words were said that hurt me VERY much because they were words that I had always suspected about myself but didn’t really want to hear. And it was painful to hear those words said from someone I trusted. But the thing about hearing that was it was what I needed to move on in that certain situation. Sometimes in order to be a good friend, if you know what is truly best for someone you care about, you have to be truthful. Don’t lie, don’t sugarcoat, don’t delay it. You can be blunt without being cruel. Because sometimes that person just needs to hear it and then everyone can move on from there.

  • It is totally cool to be your own person and not be like everyone else.

I know. You’re thinking, “you seriously just found that out this year?” Hey, I just said I didn’t want to be like everyone else. It’s taken me a while to find out who I am. And sometimes I feel VERY different from everyone: how I look, how I act, how I think, what I do, what I like. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong and hence why I feel like I need validation a lot of time. But really, just because I do things differently from the people I am around a lot DOES NOT make me a weird (in a bad way) person that shouldn’t exist. Different is good. You don’t want to be just like everyone else all the time. Rejoice in not being basic! And if people don’t like you for that very reason? That’s on them. NOT you.

  • Stop asking “What did I do wrong” all the time.

Sure, there are times when it really is your fault and you really are to be blamed for something. But truthfully, 99% of the time, you KNOW this already. If you honestly can’t figure out what you’ve done wrong to offend someone, make them stop talking to you, make them mad at you, etc. and they aren’t telling you, then guess what. It’s something with them, not you. It sucks because it’s again usually someone you care about a lot, whose view of you means a great deal to you. But if they don’t have the courage to confront you on what you did and instead give you the silent treatment and ignore you? Forget them. Don’t sit around wondering about what’s wrong with you. Either you’ll realize it eventually or there never was anything you could have done anyways.

  • God knows what you need and even then He’ll give you more than you expected.

2014 was the year I was The Impossible Girl. Despite not knowing at all what this year would bring and knowing that I would be trusting God completely with everything, there was still some things that I wanted to happen this year. I saw it as pretty damn near impossible for them to actually happen. It would have required a lot of work from God and none from me.

Instead something else happened. Something that I also thought would be impossible.

I’ve seen God work in my life in so many ways. In the beginning of the year, I had a job that I was told would last me at least 2 years. Instead it ended up lasting only 4 months. Thus I became unemployed again for the second time in less than a year. Definitely not fun at all. There was a lot of having to trust God this past year. It started getting to the point where I literally began to worry that I wouldn’t be able to even live up here anymore.

There were a lot of times when I kept questioning God this year. Why did He keep blessing other people and I was left sitting here? Why were other people’s prayers getting answered and I’m left wondering what I’ve done to displease Him so much? Why was He giving people things that they didn’t even really want or giving others EXACTLY what they wanted and I’m praying every day for things to happen and they aren’t? Why do I have these desires in my heart if He possibly doesn’t want me to have them?

But then something awesome happened over the summer. I thought it was going to be the worst summer ever because I was unemployed, had no money to spend and I’d be at home all the time with nothing to do. Instead, I kept winning everything under the sun. I’m sure people got sick and tired and annoyed every time I posted that I won something. But to me, it was like God saying, Let me show you how much I love you. BOOM BOOM BOOM. Every week it was something different. Heck even sometimes several times a week. Once, it was several times a DAY.

It didn’t stop. Just when I was giving up all hope of a job ever coming, I randomly got two interviews within a span of a week to places I had long since given up hope but where I REALLY wanted to work. The funny part about the two jobs? Several years ago I had interviewed for both these positions and was turned down. It was like reliving my life all over again. It was like God saying to me, You thought you wanted this back then and it was only half as good as what it is now. Let me show you something that’s even better than what you thought you wanted. And I got the job from the place I really wanted and it’s been beyond excellent. Better than I could have ever imagined.

My other prayer? Well I think for right now God wants me to just keep waiting on Him. It’ll be ok. I’ve been through a lot this year and after letting things go and closing doors, I can finally move forward. So yeah, sometimes you think you want something and it seems like it’s meant to be. And maybe if the timelines were different, yeah it would have worked out and been perfect. But maybe it’s not the right time now or maybe it isn’t ever going to happen. Whatever it is, I know that God’s got it all figured out and I really should just let him handle it.

I don’t know what is going to happen this upcoming year. This is the first time in years that I have nothing holding me back. And it’s scary. But I’m going to embrace the unknown and I look forward to it. I don’t know what kind of girl I’ll be next year but I’ll figure it out soon enough.

So to 2015? BRING IT.

1

Enough. Enough Now.

loveactually1

I’ve talked a lot on this blog (as well as outside of it) about having to trust God when things seem impossible. About how I’ve been spending a lot of time waiting on God to see if what He promises will come true. How I’ve walked away from doors, leaving them open but turning my back on them and not looking back though still hoping.

Well the time has finally come to close a particular door.loveactually2

I’m being rather vague about this because it doesn’t need to be blasted in detail on the internet though if you know me in person you’ll probably have figured out what it is by now. But the actual reason for prompting this post really doesn’t matter. It’s what I learned from this entire experience that does.

I have probably mentioned this already so forgive me if I’m just repeating myself. When I share how I feel with someone I’m close to, I’m very open with how I feel because I trust you and I feel that you are a safe person for me to share what is going on in my life. I will not just spill my guts out to just any person. I’m actually more guarded with my life than you’d think. But at the same time, even as I’m talking to you, I’m also thinking I really don’t want you judging me. I just want you to listen.loveactually3

For the record I know that there are some of you who it just in your nature to want to give out advice. I know that you totally mean well when you do this. It’s just that because I know you’re already forming in your mind what you thought I should have done instead or how I really should feel or have I thought about it from the other point of view, it makes me having conversations with myself WHILE I’m talking to you. I’m doing it RIGHT NOW in fact because I know what the opposition to my decision will say. Plus I also realize things that I shouldn’t have done. But isn’t that part of knowing you’ve grown up?

That being said, it’s weird how there are certain situations you can be in where even though you know you’re not being selfish, but that’s how it’s going to come across. But you have to take care of yourself first because if you’re not at your best, how can you expect to make others better? If I truly want to love others as I love myself, I have to love myself first. And taking care of me means loving myself so that I can love and take care of others properly.

I’m still not sure why all this happened. It wasn’t part of the plan. If I had had my way, I would have avoided everything regarding this and never gotten involved. But God had other plans. And maybe one day I’ll get to ask him why. I’m still not sure if there was any good in for me throughout all this. I want to believe that there was good in it for others because surely something beautiful came out of all this mess.

I’ve cried a lot over the last three years. I feel like that’s enough tears that needs to be shed. I know that it’s time to move forward and stop looking back.

loveactually4

It’s time for me to finally close the door. To not leave it hanging open just in case. For me to walk away and never turn back and look. And know that everything is going to be ok. To know that I’m not going to lose my faith in God over this. That even though I may question and briefly doubt that I ultimately know that He still will keep his promises. I shall not be afraid.

I wrote this in my journal about 2 and a half years ago. I still feel it’s relevant today.

Right now I’m being pretty strong about this but I know also that days will come when I am going to feel really weak and emotional.  I am going to feel like I’m not good enough or that something is wrong with me.  I wish I could say that I am stronger than all that but I know that I am human and the temptation to listen to those lies is going to be really strong.  It’s going to hurt like hell……  Right now I want to say that I can deal with it and be strong and keep going.  But really what will probably happen is that I will cry, curse things, and be miserable.  What I’m hoping is that God will give me strength, wisdom, clarity, and peace throughout all this. I know that He wants me to wait.  I know that he wants me to trust in Him.  I know that I shouldn’t be letting my emotions control me..

The rational side in me wants all this. God has told me that if I trust in Him, the outcome will be good. Now I don’t know what the outcome is. I have no idea WHEN it is either.  I know that it is up to you Lord and you make all things work together for our good.  I think that is pretty much the story here.

So we’re good here? We’re good.

0

Your Hair Is Everywhere

Ever since I was little, I could always count on one compliment about my physical appearance no matter how icky the rest of me might look: people seem to love my hair.


This is not me but if you were an Asian girl growing up, I can guarantee you most likely had this haircut: The bowl cut with bangs.

People would always be coming up to our parents telling me how much they loved seeing my sisters’ and my long hair at church. We used to be told we shouldn’t cut because of how pretty it was and how they were all jealous their kids didn’t have it.

It’s really funny though because my hair annoys me. I have a very vivid memory of prepping for Columbus Day in first grade and we all made Christopher Columbus hats out of paper. After cutting them out, the plan was to paper clip them to our heads. Now, I’m pretty sure it was a combination of the texture of my hair and how it can be slippery since it gets sleek and the fact that I’m convinced my head is abnormally shaped but I was the ONLY person in my class unable to get the hat to stay on their head. And of course I got teased for it because kids just are cruel.

I know, the grass is always greener on the other side. I envy people who have curly hair or at least SOME wave to it. My hair is super thick and straight. Yes, I know some of you are super jealous of that, but let me tell you, that can be a pain. I am SUPER jealous of all you people who can put your hair up with just a PENCIL. I mean what kind of sorcery is this???

And I don’t even have the typical Asian hair. The stereotype of Asian girl hair is jet black, super straight, super sleek hair that seems to be perfect all the time. Nope, not me. Thanks to taking after my dad’s hair, mine gets really poufy if I let it air dry without doing any combing to it. Basically I feel like I have Hermione Granger hair before she discovers Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion.

Even though most people really liked my hair, I still got teased for it. I remember in middle school, my hair did this thing where a lot of it would fall to the front but it would leave a little bit in the back. And some girls decided that it made me look like I had a rat-tail and I got teased for it. To this day, I still worry about that so I’m always fiddling with my hair to make sure it doesn’t do that. And honestly, I never seem to see anyone else with this problem ever so I worry sometimes that it’s just me.

Senior year in high school I was tired of having the same hair so I chopped it ALL off.

original (2)

I mean my hair was down to my wait and was actually really heavy. It kept getting caught on the back of my chair at school and SO MUCH TANGLES. So I went super short.

short hair

Actually it was shorter than this but I don’t have any of those pics from that time period.This was during those rebellious years of my life, when I also got my eyebrow pierced. Having shorter hair was very freeing but it was also harder to maintain. Plus people kept thinking I was a boy (seriously, really?) so eventually I regrew it out again. But it was nice to have done it once in my life.

These days, I’m all about coloring my hair. No, not because I’m trying to cover up gray hair. Growing up when you have the blackest hair possible, you can’t really do anything with it. While everyone else can just use kool-aid or Jello to make their hair all sorts of colors, I’m stuck with THE DARKNESS OF NIGHT all the time. Even trying boxed hair dyes will MAYBE make your hair the tiniest bit lighter if you stand in the sun. I even tried in college using a home bleaching kit with the help of my roommate and it only made SOME of my hair turn a shade of orange. I’m super jealous of all the Asians who can color their hair very easily.

I finally decided to get my hair professionally highlighted and I really like doing it. Because that’s the ONLY way you can actually get my hair to change to a certain color.

Also fauxhawk.

hair

Currently I am at the blondest I will ever be in my life.

20141116_225213

I decided, what the hey. YOLO.

0

You Can’t Go Home Again

The holidays are coming up. This means that most people will go back to their hometown to reunite with family and friends. Everyone will catch up and reunite and for the most part it’ll be good to see everyone again.

I realized the other day that though I go home every year, I usually just spend time with my family. I never seen anyone else. My life is up here and not back there. Other than seeing what people are up to on Facebook (and not even actively communicating at that), I have lost touch with many of the people I was friends with in school.

Everyone’s all doing this

and I’m all like

I’m not really sure when it happened. I know it all started when we split up for college. Everyone went their separate ways, found new friends, and started new lives. Even though we got together when we were home for breaks and holidays, it was never the same as it used to be.

I realize that people have families of their own now and that is their main focus. But I also realized that there are still tons of people (and not just those that I grew up with) that are still good friends with their childhood friends. They still stay in touch constantly, still make an effort to actually see each other in person, and are never out of each other’s lives.

Part of me wonders if maybe I wasn’t as close to my friends in high school as I thought I was. Was there something wrong with me that no one wanted to stay in touch? I mean heck, I have no idea if/when my senior class is ever having a reunion because not a single person has contacted me about it. Confession: Since graduation, I was invited to ONE wedding from someone I knew high school. To be fair, and probably because of that, I barely invited any of them to mine but considering the results probably for the best. Meanwhile I see my current friends share wedding, baby, pretty much all life announcements of their old friends all the time. I see other friends post pictures of our mutual friends from high school getting married and obviously I’m not there for it.

It sometimes makes me feel forgotten. That people don’t care about what’s happened in my life to reconnect with me. But I’ve come to accept that those relationships are all over and not a part of my life anymore. Maybe I should have reached out more, maybe others should have done the same thing. Maybe I still could. I don’t know. I’m a drastically different person that I was back in the day so the me that people knew back then is not the same one that exists right now.

I’m good with where I’m at in life and my current friends have been fantastic and I know God’s placed them in my life at exactly the right time. I know I don’t have to keep looking back at the past.