Category Archives: Ponderings

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Sometimes You Just Need a Damn Good Cry

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Even though you get all snotty, your eyes get swollen, and your nose turns red, sometimes there’s nothing like a good cry to make you feel better. Some of you wear your heart on your sleeve and you cry at the drop of a hat. Others of you hold it back in so well that no one has ever seen you cry before, not even yourself.

And then there are folks like me who let it build up and then the dam explodes.

I won’t lie. Yesterday, I had a good cry. I’ve had several good days and the positive has outweighed the negative lately. But yesterday a multitude of things happened and the dam broke. And I couldn’t hold it back anymore and I had a good long hard ugly cry.

I can’t make myself cry on purpose just for the fun of it. I can’t force the tears to come or for my eyes to start watering up.However if I’m feeling sad already, sometimes I will use other mediums to make the tears come up.

I knew that I needed to get it all out yesterday, so I decided to listen to some rather sad (to me) music to help induce the pain.

Music is a good way to help the process speed along. The lyrics themselves don’t even need to be sad. Just the melody alone can help bring out all the tears. For me yesterday it was:

“Au Revoir” by One Republic

Want to hear some incredible sad yet beautiful music from an unexpected place?

I have to thank the Goat Simulator trailer for having me find this but it’s really the trailer music from the Dead Island video game.

Movies are also a fantastic way for me to start sobbing. I actually enjoy going to see tear jerkers. I do have issues when it feels forced however. Some of the best ones though are when you aren’t expecting to cry.

(Someone replaced the original music with music from Lost. DAMN YOU)

TV shows do the same thing for me as well. Sometimes those are little more intense because if you’ve been watching the show for a very long time, you get invested into the characters. When something happens to them, even if the actor is just leaving the show, you still feel very emotional. I was watching Community the other day and I started crying when Troy left and how they portrayed it. Because he is my favorite character, it made it even worse.

This scene from Lost gets me every freakin time (in fact, I cried again rewatching it right before I embedded into this post).

It’s really hard for me to cry while reading a book. I’ve only ever once sobbed while reading and that was during the last few chapters of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I mean that whole book is just one big tearjerker.

But I didn’t want to stay depressed the rest of the day. It’s very easy and tempting to just wallow in sadness all day. And I hate when I do that. So I went to the gym to go work out all the rest of the emotions that I had. Then I got (yet) another free birthday item and I felt better.

Sometimes crying is good for you. And sometimes you need to know when to stop.

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I’m bringing the party to you aka one year anniversary of this blog

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Welp. Today is my birthday. But even more fun, today is my one year anniversary for this blog! (Is it blogiversary or bloggiversary? I’ve seen both.)

I can’t believe I’m still writing this thing. And that people actually read it. Honestly, it’s still really weird to hear from people that they read my blog. To those of you who have told me that you have, hello and thank you! To those of you who are lurkers, feel free to unlurk anytime.

When I started this blog a year ago, I honestly didn’t know if I would make it to a year. I had been blogging earlier for 6 years straight and then burned out completely. Since this blog didn’t really have a set goal in mind, the temptation to quit was always there. I’ve seen many bloggers start off being really excited only to quit 3 months in. So for me to make it this far is excellent.

I set a schedule of when and what I was going to write three days a week. And I kept it! Kinda like with my running (no, I won’t talk about that again right now. Don’t worry.) In case you missed it the first time around, here is the reason of Why Do I Blog?

I can be a stats nerd and I’ve been keeping track of what the top viewed posts on my blog have been since I started writing. The top five has been a very close race and I’ve been refreshing every day to see what would come ahead. The last one came out of nowhere but based on what keywords people are searching, it appears I am not the only one who has faced these in life.

  1. That Time that God Hit Me in the Head (aka that time God made me do something I didn’t want to do but worth it)
  2. Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible (aka why one should always just keep trusting that God knows best)
  3. The Girl Who Waited (aka waiting sucks but if God wants to you do it, do it)
  4. Celeb Fangirling: The Josh Groban edition (aka this is how my relationship with Josh Groban began)
  5. When Someone is Mad at You and You Don’t Know Why (aka one of the greatest unsolved mysteries in life)

While those were the top five VIEWED posts, here are some others that I really enjoyed writing and are also personal favorites

Since I started this blog, I’ve had a lot of opportunities happen for myself which has been great. But in all honesty, what is far more awesome is the reaction I get from folks who have gotten stuff out of what I’ve written. I never really thought that all the crap I go through in life actually can help people but apparently it has if all of you seem to have stuck around for this long.

And for that I say again thank you. Thank you for all the comments, the follows, the retweets, the shares, liking the Facebook page. I wish I could offer a giveaway or something (perhaps in the future) but for now just know this:

Now let’s just go out and celebrate. Here’s to another year of blogging!

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Jesus Juking is never a good idea. Never

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Here’s the thing. I love God. I love my faith. I’m proud and not ashamed at all of what I believe in. I’m not afraid to talk about my beliefs but at the same time I am respectful of what others believe in.

But I cannot stand when I see other Christians Jesus Juke.

The phrase was coined by Jon Acuff, author of Stuff Christians Like, and means “When some Christian brings Jesus into an argument or conversation out of no where. Usually creating another religious argument within the original argument or conversation.”

Or as Acuff put it best, it’s the Christian version of a Debbie Downer.

Here are some examples of Jesus Juking:

I usually see Jesus Juking happen around holidays or any big pop culture event. It’s like for some reason, some Christians feel like they can’t stand seeing other people be happy or excited about things without constantly interjecting Jesus into the conversation. And the worst part, it’s not even information that helps out anyone! The reaction is usually a strange look, an “Um ok”, and then ignorance.

The latest one I’ve seen lately is anything relating to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. If you don’t want to do it, fine. That’s your choice, I don’t need to hear why you think it’s a bad idea or what your beliefs are, etc. No one is forcing you to and I will not think you’re a bad person for not doing it. If you think it’s silly and stupid idea, fine. But please…don’t do this:

Why????????? What on earth will posting something like this accomplish?

Three reasons why Acuff said Jesus Juking doesn’t work.

1. It generates shame.

2. It never leads to good conversation.

3. I’ve never met someone who was “juked to Jesus.”

While this might not work for everyone, I’ve personally found that the best way to talk about something you’re passionate about, whether it’s your faith or even just your interest, is to just let the conversation happen naturally. The main problem with Jesus Juking is that you’re not listening to the other person. You’re so intent on trying to make YOUR point come across based on what they are talking about that you’re not paying attention to anything else. And I can almost guarantee if someone were to do the same thing in reverse to you, you’d either 1) not listen to them or be insulted or 2) Jesus Juke THAT.

Also it’s almost always said to someone who you don’t really know that well. Therefore you assume things about that person and their spiritual walk and faith.

For the record, the best Jesus Juke someone ever pulled on me was I had posted online “I haven’t read a book in over a week. I have no desire to read anything. I think something’s wrong.” One of the responses I got was “Try Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John.”

Sigh. Just don’t be that person. Don’t.

Love Jesus. Don’t Jesus Juke.

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We Come Running

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Hopefully by the time you read this I will either have completed Week 3 Day 2 of Couch to 5k or I will be about to start it. I swear all my posts aren’t going to talk about running but because that’s what I’m doing a lot lately, it’s been on my mind. I don’t post my runs or my workouts on my Facebook though I will occasionally talk about it on Twitter. Otherwise I’ve actually been pretty good about keeping it on the down low. Why?

Because I feel like everyone else can do it better than me. Even though I’m pleased with myself that I can currently run for 3 minutes at a time without stopping seems like it would be uber lame to everyone else. Especially to all my friends who run all the time. (You can run 3 minutes? I ran 3 HOURS) Also multiple posts on any subject that seems like humble brags get annoying because it seems like people are just begging for applause and approval.

Yes yes I know. I’m supposed to be doing this for myself and not for anyone else. I know that the fact that I’ve gotten up and have been running for four weeks now is loads better than all the other people who keep saying they are going to run but don’t.

And I am quite pleased at my progress. Currently I alternate between running outside and on a treadmill. I listen to music while I run mainly because that gets me going more so than an audiobook would. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE audiobooks but I when I listen to them I need to concentrate fully and I can’t do that while running. My mind wonders and the beat of the music is good background noise and keeps me from hearing my own breathing.

I just have a feeling of being late to the game and that everyone else is doing it better than me. I’ve been reading message boards and Reddit on other people doing Couch to 5k and it’s both been encouraging and discouraging at the same time.It’s great to know that other people are out there just like me and finding themselves being able to do things that they thought they couldn’t do. It’s super motivational and I find myself getting pumped up for my next run.

But then at the same time, I feel like I’m still doing it wrong. Like for example, people talk about the number one reason why they prefer to run outside vs the treadmill is because they get bored on it. Call me weird but I don’t find it boring at all. Maybe it’s because of my weird overactive imagination but I enjoy using the treadmill. I know that running outside is better for you but sometimes I can’t do it everyday. I’m not comfortable running during rainy weather and sometimes the heat is too much for me. That being said if I get the chance, I DO run outside but some days I’d just rather head to the gym and treadmill it up.

Or the fact that I feel like I’m running too slow. Yes, I know I’m only week 3 so I still have a long ways to go before I’ll be able to do a 5k in the 30 minute range. It’s just a bit discouraging to read other people’s experience where they are running faster and still in the same time frame as I am.

I know that it’s ok to be different. I know that not everyone has the same experiences that I do and as long as I keep it up, I’m doing a lot better than I was even just a few weeks earlier. I know I need to stop comparing myself to others. I guess it’s just the feeling of everyone else knows what they’re doing, they’ve been doing it forever, and I’m behind.

Interestingly my devotional for today touched on a lot of the very things I’ve been struggling with lately regarding running and my faith. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is so grounded in their faith and they seem to not feel shaken even when bad things happen. I feel left behind because I still struggle and even though I’m doing everything I can to strengthen my faith, I still feel left behind. Even though I’m not giving up on my faith by any means lately it’s been easy to feel discouraged.

But I know I need to keep at it. I’m not about to stop just because of what everyone is doing or how they act. My faith (just like my running) is my own experience and I need to keep at it at my own pace. This devotional focusing on Hebrews 12 sums it up better than I ever could.

Just keep running. Keep persevering. Don’t give up.

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The Power (and Danger) of Imagination

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I don’t know about you but I have a really big imagination.

Ever since I was a little kid, I used my imagination to help me get through things in life. And yes sometimes I still do that to this day.

If I have to eat something that I absolutely hate but I HAVE to eat it, I just sometimes pretend that I’m on the Oregon Trail and this is part of my meager portions that I need to eat to survive.

While I’m running, when it gets really hard and I feel like I’m about to die, I pretend that I’m being chased by zombies and I just need to go a little further to make it to safety.

I read a lot of fiction and I watch a lot of movies. While I do read a good amount of non fiction, I prefer fiction because I enjoy seeing how others use their creativity.

Imagination does get me in trouble sometimes however. There’s the whole daydreaming when you’re not supposed to, like in class or in church during a sermon. Sometimes it’s hard to focus when the speaker just goes on and on about a boring subject and they refuse to attempt to make it interesting.

And then there are those times when I worry or have anxiety and I let my imagination run away with me. I will gather just the bare bones information of what I have and I will concoct a wild and crazy scenario that will probably be completely untrue. Sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong. Either way the thing is, I don’t know 100% what’s going on.

Sure, I can be realistic and prepare for something that could possibly happen. But if it’s something that I’m dwelling on without confirmation? It’s my imagination running away with me and THAT’S when imagination becomes a problem. Because that’s when the worry, fear, anxiety, and stress will all kick in just because I start to think something may be happening based off of assumptions and an overactive imagination. Though I will say, if you don’t respond to a reasonable amount of texts, voice mails, emails sent over a significant amount of time and no one has any idea if you’ve fallen off the face of the earth, I may start imagining that you’ve died in your house and we all just don’t know it yet.

It’s perfectly fine and healthy to have an active imagination. But you have to know when it’s real and when you’re running away with it. As long as you can tell the difference (and perhaps confine it to a certain room), you’ll be fine.

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I don’t NEED your approval but I secretly want it

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Validation. What is it? It’s getting feedback from others that “what I do and what I say matters to you. You hear me. You see me. You think of me. You thank me. You acknowledge my accomplishments. You appreciate my efforts.”

The opposite of validation? Non-recognition. “I don’t give a damn what you want, what you say, what you think. Who cares? You’re overreacting. You’re nuts. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/21/the-importance-of-validation/)

I could question the fact that I’m writing about validation on a blog.

But you know what? I know I’m not the only person that this can be an issue for. Sure there are a ton of people out there (even some who read my blog) who don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. And that’s fabulous! It really is. They don’t need to be told they’ve done a good job. They just do what they want. And this is how they react when they think someone else feels like they need approval in their life:

Social media can play into a huge validation trap of wanting likes, comments, retweets, favorites, page views.

For example, sometimes when articles I write get published I feel like they get lost in the ether. I sit there and watch what seems to be everyone else get recognition from everybody under the sun and all the page views in the world. And meanwhile, my work gets pushed to the back burner and no one notices that I’m there. It’s not that I’m jealous of other people’s accomplishments. It’s that I can’t figure out what I did wrong or what I should be doing to get to that level. For some people they don’t have to make any effort at all. And while I AM proud of my own work, I also do wonder if maybe my work isn’t as good as I think it is? Is it really bad and just no one is telling me? Did I pick unpopular topics? Is there something else I should be doing?

I could be completely wrong and I may be making a huge assumption that might blow up in my face but I feel like extroverts probably suffer from this more than introverts. In my mind, if being alone makes you feel better, than you’d be completely comfortable if other people didn’t notice you or keep trying to get approval from others.

Do I need to have people constantly telling me all the time how well I’ve done? No. Please. I don’t want that.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve done something and no one notices at all. I’m not really good at self promoting, in fact I hate it like a champ. I’ve learned that people don’t like bragging. And maybe it can just be some of the people I’ve been around that anytime you just mention things that happen in your life they seem annoyed or cannot be happy for you. It makes me just not want to talk about anything I’ve done. Maybe that’s my own problem though.

If no one ever said anything, that’d be really hard. Sometimes it makes me feel like what I do is a waste. If it’s really worth the time spending if no one says anything at all. Even if I enjoy it, what if I’m wasting time that could be spent somewhere else? At the same time, I need to be do things for myself and not try to get the approval of people who really just don’t care. I’m not going to simply change my interests just because not everyone likes something I do. There’s a fine balance here somewhere.

And now I’m going to close this by Jesus juking this post:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

Additional reading: 10 Signs You Might Have a Need for Approval

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I Forgot to Remember to Forget

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There’s a line in my favorite Chronicles of Narnia book, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, that has always stuck with me. It’s the scene when Lucy has to read the magician’s spellbook to help save the Dufflepuds become visible again. And during the list of spells she flips past through are two that I would have been very tempted to say myself: “how to remember things forgotten, how to forget things you wanted to forget.”

There’s also the memory spell from Harry Potter that I sometimes wish I could perform on myself:

For believe me there are many things that I wish I could forget in my life.

In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the main characters have their memories erased of each other to forget the pain and hurt that happened due the breakdown of their relationship. It seems like it would be a brilliant invention. To have your mind swept free of all the negative feelings that were the result of heartbreak. Sometimes I wish that actually took place.

Of course you do grow because of the pain. You do grow from your experiences. As much as I hate what I’ve gone through, I know that because of the bad stuff, I’ve become a better person. And that part I’m ok with. I try not to dwell on the painful past though. It does no good to sit there and be reminded constantly of how much you were hurt. I just hate it when the memories sneak up when you’re not expecting it. I’m not talking about if a song comes on the radio that used to be your song. I mean like looking at patch of grass and a flood of memories comes back.

Sometimes I wonder if the other person remembers things too. Obviously what you place importance on will stand out more to one person than another. But other times it feels like the other person literally did wipe out every memory of you just like Clementine did to Joel in Eternal Sunshine. And because you don’t want to be the only one with the memories, it’s easy to just want to shut them out too. And that can hurt.

(FYI: some cursing. Also I totally forgot David Cross was in that movie)

If I had a super power it would be the ability to absorb knowledge and never forget it. I’d be able to give out information in the blink of an eye. My name would be something like The Encyclopedia or the Archivist. I remember things. I remember birthdays, important anniversaries, events. I retain information like a sponge. Now I don’t have a photographic memory. I can’t look at something and automatically remember what was there. But I do have good reading comprehension skills. And I’m good at picking up on small details.

Senior year in high school, it was a joke among my friends that if anyone needed to remember anything, they just needed to turn to me and I’d remember it in my brain or my “files”.

SAMSUNG

Sometimes I don’t let on that I remember things or people. I feel weird because I remember tiny little details that everyone else seems to have forgotten. I try not to be that person that brings up that embarrassing moment from 6th grade that you had tried to block out of your mind. If something triggers a memory in me, while it may bother me on the inside, I try to keep my mouth shut because it was only important to me.

People always say to me “I can’t believe you remember that!” Sometimes I wish I didn’t.

I’ll see people from years ago and I’ll totally recognize them but they don’t seem to recognize me. Sometimes that bothers me a little because it makes me feel like I didn’t exist or that I was so unimportant that I’ve been erased from their memory. This hurts especially when we used to be good friends.

It sucks also when I make plans with someone and I remember the plans. But then it feels like the other person doesn’t remember. And I’m never sure if I’m supposed to remind them or wait for them to remember. I don’t want to nag but at the same time I want to think that I was important enough to be remembered.

However, I totally realize that everyone is different and not everyone has a memory like mine. I’m good at remembering faces, little details, etc. I mean that’s part of the reason why I decided to study history. To me, remembering things is important and priority to me.

The hard part is just remembering (heh) that not everyone else is like this. Again you’d think I’d realize this all the time, but it’s only starting to sink in. Just because I place priority over something does not mean everyone else does. Sometimes you do have to push people to remember things and it doesn’t mean that it makes you any less of important. Other times, people just choose to forget you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Ironically as I look at my Timehop app for today, an app that triggers a lot of memories, one of my Twitter statuses from three years ago was this

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How secure are you about your insecurity?

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Have you ever read something and you felt like OMG this is totally speaking to me. That this must have been written for me. And you wonder why on earth you didn’t know about this before? And then you want to tell everyone about it even though you know it won’t have the same impact on them that it did you?

This happened to me the other night when I finally read So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. I normally don’t read a lot of Moore’s books. I once did a Bible study of hers but it was quite long and there was a lot of “homework” involved.  It had been sitting in my library TBR pile (which seems to be never-ending) but over the weekend something happened that made me feel like God wanted me to finally read the book. And I started and finished it in one day, which is really rare for me with non fiction books. Apparently I really needed it.

While almost the majority of everyone deals with some type of insecurity (there may be a lucky few of you who don’t at all), we all don’t suffer for the same reasons. What may bother you might not bother someone else. And we may not be able to understand someone else’s issues.

Insecurity is a very ugly thing and causes us to act in ways that are not appealing. A lot of times we really try to hide the fact that we feel this way. For me, a good bit of my insecurity is coming from wanting to feel like I’m normal and not standing out, but feeling like I’m failing immensely. Part of this comes from growing up and physically standing out of the crowd when I wanted to blend in but instead got teased for it.

As an adult, I’ve learned and accepted (though you may not believe it) that I’m unique and it’s perfectly fine that I don’t share the same interests or characteristics as everyone else. As I stated last week, I’m happy with the person I’ve become and while I want to make myself a better person FOR myself, I’m cool with what I do.

It sound silly, even to me as I type this, but I struggle with wanting to just be seen as normal. I feel when I tell other people about things I like or something I’m excited about, other people don’t seem to care. I think because I care so (ok, too) much about what other people think I tend to notice facial expressions or pick up little things more than others. I notice when someone darts their eyes away, gets restless, looks bored, sighs, changes the subject, etc.

Or other people, because they aren’t as interested, tend to knock down things I talk about. This may just be their personality but to me it feels like what I am excited about isn’t worth their time. It’s one thing when I tell a random stranger and they don’t care. But when I tell someone who I do care about and their reactions seem to be bored or uninterested, I feel like I should just shut up because what I have to say isn’t interesting to them. Instead of lashing out, I tend to withdraw.

I realize my personality is different from others. I may also act in different ways than other people. If someone doesn’t like something I do, while inwardly I may think but why not?!, outwardly I’m not going to tell them they are stupid for it. If someone likes something that I don’t, while I may say I don’t like it I won’t tell them it’s stupid. I’m so worried about feeling stupid in front of other people who I would never want to make someone else feel that way because I know how horrible that feeling can be. I feel empathy towards people. I also may overly project how I feel on others.

Anyways all this can lead to some of the feelings I have about being insecure. So when I picked up the book and started reading it, it was like reading a book directly written for me. It’s good to know then that I’m not alone.

I tried not to quote the entire book but these were some of the passages that REALLY stood out to me.

Men are not our problems, it’s what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling that our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we’re valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it’s time act smart and hard to get or play dumb and needy. (page 7)

Are we honestly going to insist on drawing our security from people – men or women – who are oblivious to the inordinate amount of weight we give to our estimation of us? (page 9)

Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt, a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. (page 17)

The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery. (page 23)

We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met and, therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we’re secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren’t secure. We were spoiled. One way we can detect insecurity is by our knee-jerk reaction to any level of change in a relationship, particularly if we perceive that the focus has shifted away from us. (page 25)

Overwhelmingly, the men used one word to describe what they do when they feel insecure: withdraw. If they don’t overtly withdraw, they will probably behave in a way, whether consciously or unconsciously, that will make their love ones withdraw. One way or the other, a man who feels insecure will often force space. If quietness doesn’t work, excessive irritation, agitation, or anger will usually do the job……Generally speaking men withdraw when they feel insecure and women cling. Men give off the don’t mess with me vibe. Women give off the please mess with me vibe. (page 194-195)

Women who struggle with insecurity are particularly taken with two divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. (page 208) People who are chronically insecure often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks. We feel most secure when our environment is in control and since no one is able to control it to our satisfaction, we decide we have to do it ourselves. If someone would do it and do it right, we wouldn’t have to take over, so it’s not really our fault, we reason. It’s our responsibility. (page 209)

People do what they want to do. You can’t make them do something else. You can’t force them. You can’t change them. You can’t deliver them. Only God can…..When we try to do God’s job, we get in God’s way. (page 214)

We can’t control what we don’t know and we can’t secure what we can’t see. (page 214)

There is knowing. And there is knowing too much. (page 218)

When God initiates, He equips us to handle. Even though unsolicited information might have caused pain and great conflict, if God initiated the revelation, He had a goal in mind that was steeped in great love. Even if He used a messenger you didn’t like, HE worked through His sovereignty to open your eyes to something vital…..When we scratch and claw to dig information out of the dirt, we don’t get the same kind of grace that accompanies divine revelation. (page 219)

We pry because we are insecure and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person’s every thought, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can’t handle the answer to. (page 220-221)

The goal in our female relationships should be to encourage one another’s security. Not enable one another’s insecurity. (page 289)

Any time insecurity hits you can be sure that you are afraid of something…..When we set certain conditions for trust, we offer the enemy of our souls the perfect playground for toying with our minds No, he can’t read our thoughts but he can certainly study our behaviors. Once he pinpoints our emotional Achilles’ heel, he draws back the bow and aims the poisonous dart straight at it. He figures out what we’re most afraid of, and then he taunts us unmercifully with expert marksmanship. (page 324)

So if you’re still reading down to here:

To sum it up, I really got a lot out of this book. The situation this weekend was one where my insecurities were coming at me full force. I’m the type of person that instead of lashing out towards other people when this happens, I beat up on myself even more. The whole section about “wanting to know more because you fear” really spoke to me because that’s exactly what was happening. Had I not read this book right after that happened, I would be a mess right now because I’d be dwelling on the limited information I have and would want to keep trying to find out more. But by doing so it would hurt me and I’d just keep repeating the cycle. Instead, I feel like God gave me tools to learn how to combat it and move toward a more positive way to deal with these.

I’m not perfect nor will I ever be. I know that I have many things to work out and insecurities like these are some of them. But I know that with God, he’ll help me through it all.

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. (Psalm 29:11) 

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A Late Bloomer Finally Gets It

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Last week I talked about wearing masks and believing the lie that God could never love us. Here’s the second part to that series.

We’re so afraid that the dream can’t come. That if someone actually knew the real us, saw behind the mask, before the makeup that they would walk away. Our fear is to be known and be rejected. And when those things that we fear keep us from being loved and they are held in front of my face, we believe every bad thing about us.

It’s really funny how there’s a fine line as to how much Christians will take when it comes to openness and authenticity. We constantly talk about how we need to be real with other believers and that it’s important to share our problems because we shouldn’t face things alone. And that it’s good to do this in a safe environment with those we trust.

But at the same time if we see someone publicly talk about their struggles, we say they are being too open, over sharing, and some things are best left private. And then we start judging them, condemn them, and even try to shame them for acting this way and sharing it with the world without offering any help at all.

Thus we then repeat the cycle of never sharing anytime we’re going through something tough in life because we need to keep it all together on the outside because as Christians we’re supposed to be able to trust God in everything and never worry.

We can’t have it both ways can we?

Are we afraid to see struggles in other people’s lives because it brings out to light the ones we have in our own? Do we see someone having struggles and feel “blessed” because we don’t have that going on in our lives? Do we just not want to deal with anyone else and their problems because we have our own mess to deal with? Do we place perfect pictures on Facebook of how great our lives are because we are genuinely happy or because we want to brag? Is the intention to make someone jealous or just to show a happy moment?

The last five pics on Facebook I posted are

  1. a screenshot of Josh Groban retweeting me
  2. Me and my friends’ adorable baby
  3. A pic of my move in a tabletop game where I die.
  4. My friend and his baby making the exact same face
  5. All the flights of beer my friends and I were about to sample.

What were the reasons for me behind posting these? Well honestly, either out of sheer excitement at the moment or the baby being so darned cute. I don’t go on trips to photographic places, I don’t have an awesome boyfriend/husband who cleans my car AND cooks me dinner, I personally don’t have a very cute baby, and I haven’t recently had a major life event that I can share with everyone. Therefore I don’t feel like my life is anything anyone would be jealous over. Even IF I wanted to impress anyone, the people I would want to see “how awesome my life is right now” don’t follow any of my social media and therefore have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I’m not trying to get likes on these photos to make me feel validated. And let me tell you, getting a billion notifications is not fun either. I experienced that with my Josh Groban retweet. It makes me not want to ever be a celebrity. That was not a humble brag for the record.

I think sometimes I use social media simply just to make sure I’m not alone in how I feel and to see if there is anyone else that can validate my thinking so I’m not weird. I realize that not everyone will be excited about the things I am interested in. I’m not out for universal approval. If I were I’d be failing like a champ because I’ll never get it.

“Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I’m afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time”

And yet…

Right now I’m at a point in my life where I fully enjoy all the interests that I have. It’s taken me a while to realize and accept this. I’m a late bloomer. I know this. I’m sure there are many of you who figured this out the day you were born.

I’m going to tell you this though. It’s hard. It’s really hard when you are excited about something, either an interest that you have or something that you’ve accomplished, and NO ONE can share in your excitement with you. Either they simply don’t care or they don’t share the interest so when you try to explain it, they don’t get it or understand why you’re so excited. And then someone else will come along with something everyone else can relate to and you’re just left alone in the dust.

For example: there are many times when I like something and I’m literally the only female in the group of people I hang around with that does. There have been many times when I’ve been considered one of the guys when it comes to shared interests. It’s great fun during that specific time period because I enjoy stuff like beer, tabletop gaming, and comics. But then they go back to their significant others who are the complete 180 of me and I’m left alone. And it makes me feel like I have to be something/someone else in order to have that too. That there’s something wrong with me where I’m cool enough to do one thing but it’s not enough to have everything else.

It’s hard to watch all my female friends go through the process of being single to being a girlfriend, wife, and mother while I’m left behind. And now that I’m literally the last one of my girlfriends to be single, it’s sometimes hard to not think if I’m doing something wrong or if there’s something wrong with me. There’s also the Christian side of this that tells you you can’t pursue and you need to wait. And also the view that if a guy wants something, he’ll go after it. Well with that logic, what happens to all the women who are never asked? Does this mean they are never wanted? What’s going on here?

I believed it was my fault that no one wanted to go out with me and that the responsibility for it rested squarely on my shoulders. If I were more spiritual, or more beautiful, or less opinionated guys would be into what I was selling.

But I know that it’s not true. I know that I can never be what I’m not. God has made me into the way I am and while I can tweak and work on things, I’m ultimately the person that I am.

Something I’m trying to accept: Even if no one else I know personally likes something I do, it does not mean that I am doing something wrong or that I am so weird and must change myself.

I’ve always felt like an outsider and that something must be weird with me because no one else likes what I like.  No, I don’t think I’m some sort of special snowflake that is so incredibly unique. When I really think about it, even though I would have liked to have been part of what everyone else does, I’ve always done my own thing. I’ve always gravitated towards things that the majority doesn’t really go after – from types of food I like, to TV shows, to books I read, even down to celebrities I like. Almost everything I like, the majority of people I know won’t be into it because I discovered it on my own. It suits me fine to have my interests but it would just be awesome to be able to share in the excitement with people you actually know. There’s always the internet but when you’re with friends, it feels odd standing out.

But I’m learning to accept that it’s ok to be different. I mean I wish people wouldn’t put me down for the things I like even if they don’t like them. That’s actually something I’ve never understood. If someone is genuinely excited about something and they tell you about it (in a non bragging way, but still) why on earth would you shoot them down with a “Why do you like [certain thing]? That’s so stupid.” There are many things that many of my friends do that I have no interest in. It doesn’t lessen what they do just because I don’t.

There are hard days. Yes. I look at many Christian women who are strong believers, awesome at what they do, are gorgeous, and yet they are single. I’ve read or heard them say they struggled with it because they didn’t/don’t really want to be in that situation.I can’t figure out why in the world they are single. And it makes me wonder if THEY can’t find anyone, what makes me think that I can have any hope?

But whatever God wants to happen will happen. I don’t know His ultimate plans but right now I do know that I’ve enjoyed becoming the person that I am now. And while yes, I can always work on some things, I am happy with how I turned out. I am who I am. I come with quirks, flaws, and baggage. I think my laugh sounds too loud and my sneezes weird everyone else out. But you know what? I’m happy. I’ve reached that point in my life where I’m not going to change myself just to get someone else. I’m not going to try pretend to be someone I’m not just to keep and maintain any sort of relationship. If someone wants me to be something I cannot ever be and doesn’t allow my true self to be appreciated then you’re not meant to be in my life in that particular way.

I’m no longer hiding behind any more masks. This is me.

And me is awesome.

We have some pretty big ideas of how our lives should go. We feel pretty strongly about what we don’t want to happen, and we’re perfectly willing to spend our entire lives fretting and fussing and not trusting that—whatever it is—God is for us. http://shereadstruth.com/2014/07/15/please-thank-2/

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Don’t Believe the Lie

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Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

This is going to be a two part series. Part 1 is from other people’s thoughts and then part 2 will be next week with my own thoughts.

Funny, I had been planning for a few weeks to write a blog post on this subject. Then we had a guest preacher on Sunday which can be hit or miss depending on the subject matter and/or style of teaching. This week it turned out to be a hit because the sermon ended up being almost exactly what I was going to write on. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE GOD.

I’ve paraphrased the sermon here, so not direct quotes but pretty much the gist of what I got out of it.

We’ve all got troubles. But we don’t like letting other people know that we do.

Ephesians 6:10-17 talks about putting on the armor of God so, among the things you will defend yourself against are flaming arrows. These arrows show us our shame, remind us of our secrets, and whispers the lie that God could never love you.

The power of this lie is that it plays on our deepest fear, which is that we want someone to KNOW us, the REAL us and not the person that we pretend to be on a job interview. We want to allow them to see the skeletons that are in the closet but also want that same person to love us.

We’re so afraid that the dream can’t come. That if someone actually knew the real us, saw behind the mask, before the makeup that they would walk away. Our fear is to be known and be rejected. And when those things that we fear keep us from being loved and they are held in front of my face, we believe every bad thing about us.

We try to defend ourselves by putting out a version of ourselves that we think is lovable. We take all the real stuff and put up yellow caution tape and say keep out. We put up the good stuff on Facebook because what will happen if others see all the other stuff? They’ll walk away.

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative”. Chris Rock

We only show the version of us that we think others might love. We only get out the stuff that we think is worthy of love.

What if someone saw behind the mask? What would someone say if they really know us?

Satan shows you your sin and tells you God doesn’t love you. God shows you His Son and says “Oh yes I do.”

A friend of mine wrote a comment in a Facebook group we’re in and gave me permission to share parts of it here. I feel like it pretty much summarizes what the message on Sunday was saying but with a personal touch.

I stopped dating when I was 19 and didn’t go on another date until I was 23 ( I think?). Guys. Never. Asked. Me. Out. I went on about it kind of ad nauseam on the blog back in the day, and everyone had a reason for it that read kind of like these articles. I was too “picky”, I was too “contentious”, I was too “masculine”, I was too chubby and didn’t care for my physical appearance enough to attract a man. All the guys I knew were *right* not to ask me out because I was, apparently, at 23, a hateful spiteful disgusting hag.

The gross thing is, I *believed* them. I believed it was my fault that no one wanted to go out with me and that the responsibility for it rested squarely on my shoulders. If I were more spiritual, or more beautiful, or less opinionated guys would be into what I was selling.

Between 23 and 25 I began to start rejecting the “theology” that had kept me single for so long. I started Online dating and saying yes to everyone, and I went on a lot of dates with a lot of disappointing men. No, not “they have a blue collar job and that’s beneath me” disappointing. “I can’t carry a conversation” disappointing, “I have no real life plans” disappointing, “I figured it was about time for me to stop being an irresponsible playboy and settle down” disappointing. I thought that these kinds of guys would be the only ones who could ever possibly like or be interested in someone like me, because the message I heard constantly and internalized was “You’re not good enough.” I was beyond settling, I thought I needed to find someone out there who was willing to settle *for* me. “You’re not good enough” resonated with me because it was something that I had internalized a LOT as a bullied child and a young adult who just never felt she could chin up on the adequacy bar. No matter what I did, I always felt like people around me were disappointed. That was baggage I carried into my relationships.

After a four month relationship with “I didn’t finish high school and am dangerously emotionally attached to my mother” disappointing, I started to suspect that there was a common denominator in the kinds of guys who asked me out. — They were guys who wanted to date the kind of woman I was trying to sell myself as. The idyllic quiet, unassuming, unquestioning sweet gentle good Christian girl I was trying to learn to be. They wanted someone who was going to mother them, care for them, make them happy and solve all their problems. The Conservative church had taught me that I was supposed to be a problem solver. My role was to be a “helpmeet” and if I couldn’t live up to whatever that entailed for whatever specific man I was supporting, then I was a failure as a woman. I finally had to come face to face with reality: I could never be that woman.

Thankfully, I had been becoming involved in a less conservative church over the years, with women who reeducated me in who I was. I was loved regardless of my doing, and that my ideas were not less worthy simply because they originated in my female mind. These strong women of faith retaught me to trust my own discernment when it came to seeking out God’s plan for my life. I came out of that season and I began to get a different perspective on dating: What if — instead of waiting on guys who didn’t ask me out to take me on a date, or accepting whatever crumbs might fall off that fundamentalist table — I began to date the kinds of guys *I* wanted to marry? Decent guys with good life plans who shared my goals and interests. So I began to consciously seek those guys out. I worked hard to surround myself not with guys who talked a good “spiritualized” game, but with guys who were engaged in their careers, who set goals for themselves, and who had hobbies and interests beyond impressing people with big talk and being seen at Church and friend events.

All this to say, sometimes we put too much emphasis on the asking. At the end of the day, in any marriage, you both have to learn to make decisions together, as a couple. If you know what you want out of a relationship and you see those qualities in another person, then run after that! There is no biblical mandate that says you can’t. Don’t internalize the story that you are only worth what washes up on the beaches of your life, or you might end up with a bunch of six pack rings and some kelp and a lot of time on your hands.

Well said. Probably better than what I’ll be saying next week, but I’ll still give it a shot.