Tag Archives: Faith

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Ask God a Question? You Get an Answer

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It happened again.

Those times where I swear God decides that I’m being too dense and He chooses to speak directly at me through someone else so that I’ll actually listen to what He wants me to hear.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been really writing a lot of faith posts lately. Not because my faith has changed or gotten any less. It’s just I’ve been busy and focused on things. One of my major prayers got recently answered and while I’m very blessed and thankful, worries that had gone to the back burner are back in full force again.

It was one of those Sundays where I started off my drive to church being honest with God. I wasn’t angry at him this time. Just frustrated with things. And I told Him how it was making me feel. I know that some people don’t like complaining to God but I’m all for letting him know what’s going on my end.

This particular time I was frustrated with myself for worrying so much about the future. I’m a planner by nature. I like knowing how everything is going to be so that when it happens, there are no surprises that will cause me stress or worry. Ironically though because of this desire, I still get stressed out and get anxiety because I can’t make things go smoothly beforehand. I don’t like not knowing the future because I hate uncertainty yet worry about things makes it worse.

I told God about how I wish I could be someone who lives in the present and never seems to worry about anything. They have such a carefree anything goes attitude and just seem happy all the time. I feel like I could never be that kind of person however because I DO like planning ahead and the thought of never planning for anything is terrifying.

And then sometimes I feel like I live in the past. Not that I want to stay there but memories keep popping up and I want to get them out of my head and they just will not go away. I had been catching up with episodes of this season’s Doctor Who and there was a character who continually had memory wipes so that he could forget things. Even though I knew the consequences of not remembering things, I totally envied him because sometimes memories carry too much pain with them.

I walked into church feeling very meh that morning. I did pray that hopefully I would get something out of the sermon but I wasn’t feeling very into it. And then of course, it would be the Sunday that all the worship songs we sang seemed to jump out at me.

Focus my eyes
Away from myself
You become greater
I become less

Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good

When the songs finished and the guest pastor walked out, I was like oh, I’m not going to get anything out of today’s sermon. It’s not going to be anything I can relate to. This is ——“I am a planner. I am always thinking about the future. I am always thinking about what’s to come,” he said. I immediately shrunk down in my seat with my mouth slightly ajar.

Are you kidding me God? Seriously?

He then proceeded to talk about how we all tend to default to living in the past, present, and future. Some of us might focus on just one area, others will dabble.

(WHAT IS GOING ON???)

All have good qualities: you learn from the past and don’t want to repeat mistakes, by staying in the present you become less anxious and don’t worry as much, planning for the future can be wise. However all have negative qualities as well: you become focused on reliving the glory days or staying focused on what’s hurt you before, you have to keep getting a kind of “high” every day to stay happy, and too much living in the future makes you not focus on what’s in front of you.

We’ll have arguments with God where we just ask him to show us that he’s there, to throw us a bone, give us a sign, just prove to us that he’s there and hasn’t abandoned us. (Have I been bugged????)

He instead then said that the best thing to focus on was being in the presence of God. That no matter what is going on in life, no matter how good or bad things will get and how much you may worry, it’s better to realize that God is always there.

In Your presence there is freedom
In Your presence there is hope
In Your presence there is healing
Love restores me, I am whole

No matter how far I run
You are with me
No matter how far I fall

Your love is everlasting
Your kindness never ends
God You never leave me
Your presence goes before us
Your glory has no end
God You never leave me

The focus of the message was on John 14:1-17 and while I won’t post all of it here, the passage basically explains how Jesus is telling the disciples that they need to just believe in him. They don’t need signs or other miracles (though he has already shown them these things). Just have faith.

Well. Geez. I don’t think it could have been any clearer that God was choosing to speak to me through this message. Yes, I know that it wasn’t made specifically JUST for me. Yes, I know that all this had been planned for at least several days beforehand. And yes it does seem like a big coincidence.

But I know it isn’t. I know that God didn’t create specifically this for me because there are many people who benefited from hearing something like that. But He knew I needed to hear it and He knew WHEN I needed to hear it. It’s just always is incredibly freaky when it happens mere minutes after you tell and ask Him those exactly questions and He answers it immediately. True, it doesn’t always happen. And sometimes you may NEVER get an answer. But those times when it does happen? Awesome.

Therefore all my worries about God not caring and turning a deaf ear to me? Yeah…He just pretty much pulled one on me. God: Infinity. Deborah: Zero.

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Anniversaries, milestones and memories

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I have two degrees in history which can be interpreted that I enjoy remembering and preserving the past. One of the things that comes of being a history scholar/buff is that you’re really good with remembering dates and anniversaries. You remember why specific dates are important and what happened on that day in history. You may not exactly want to relive the past but you know why it’s a significant date and worthy of remembering.

I sometimes wonder if things fall on certain dates or milestones and it’s just a coincidence and me trying to connect everything or if God’s the one in control.

Again it’s always really good timing when the message at church seems to correspond with both posts I’ve written about recently or ones that I’m getting ready to write. It makes me feel like God is tracking with me and helps me to hear what I need. This past week in church, our pastor talked about how “For better or worse, human character always impacts history. But divine character, led and influenced by the Holy Spirit, always impacts eternity.” He talked about things can happen and we can just classify them as being just a coincidence and brush it off or is it something much more significant and important than that?

There are certain dates that are upcoming in the near future that to the average person aren’t important and could be written off as just coincidences. And to be honest, sometimes I question why I feel so strongly about these dates. Is it nostalgia? Sentiment? Wishful thinking at trying to make everything fit? Or are they all part of God’s bigger plan and I’m aware that I’m a part of it?

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I really don’t try too hard to make everything connect together. It’s not like I’m sitting here trying to find the tiniest little thing that matches up with something else. But when things DO fit together and you look back at them, sometimes there’s just nothing else you can say but how it’s totally a God thing. There’s no other explanation. I’m not trying to manipulate the circumstances at all.

I talked about last week about how the die has rolled a certain way in my life and I was meant to be in a certain timeline. Sometimes I question why because it just seems like everything can feel pointless and am I really making that much of a difference. But then I’m reminded that sometimes all I need to really do is just plant the seed and God will take of it and he’ll do all the work. Even if I never see what comes of it this side of heaven, I just need to do what I’ve been told to do.

So as these anniversaries go by, I don’t have to make a big deal of it. I don’t even need to recreate everything that happened in my mind and relive those memories. But I also don’t need to constantly ponder if these things happened for a reason because I know that they did. I know that God purposely planned out everything and even if I can’t see or understand it now, I just need to trust in Him. He’s used me and he’ll continued to use me as he sees fit. He’s placed me in THIS timeline for a reason.

“And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14b)

Life is so complicated. But God calls us to trust Him. To rest in Him as He holds us in His hands, as He fulfills His promise to work the details of our everything together for our good. http://shereadstruth.com/2013/08/08/wob3day4/

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Jesus Juking is never a good idea. Never

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Here’s the thing. I love God. I love my faith. I’m proud and not ashamed at all of what I believe in. I’m not afraid to talk about my beliefs but at the same time I am respectful of what others believe in.

But I cannot stand when I see other Christians Jesus Juke.

The phrase was coined by Jon Acuff, author of Stuff Christians Like, and means “When some Christian brings Jesus into an argument or conversation out of no where. Usually creating another religious argument within the original argument or conversation.”

Or as Acuff put it best, it’s the Christian version of a Debbie Downer.

Here are some examples of Jesus Juking:

I usually see Jesus Juking happen around holidays or any big pop culture event. It’s like for some reason, some Christians feel like they can’t stand seeing other people be happy or excited about things without constantly interjecting Jesus into the conversation. And the worst part, it’s not even information that helps out anyone! The reaction is usually a strange look, an “Um ok”, and then ignorance.

The latest one I’ve seen lately is anything relating to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. If you don’t want to do it, fine. That’s your choice, I don’t need to hear why you think it’s a bad idea or what your beliefs are, etc. No one is forcing you to and I will not think you’re a bad person for not doing it. If you think it’s silly and stupid idea, fine. But please…don’t do this:

Why????????? What on earth will posting something like this accomplish?

Three reasons why Acuff said Jesus Juking doesn’t work.

1. It generates shame.

2. It never leads to good conversation.

3. I’ve never met someone who was “juked to Jesus.”

While this might not work for everyone, I’ve personally found that the best way to talk about something you’re passionate about, whether it’s your faith or even just your interest, is to just let the conversation happen naturally. The main problem with Jesus Juking is that you’re not listening to the other person. You’re so intent on trying to make YOUR point come across based on what they are talking about that you’re not paying attention to anything else. And I can almost guarantee if someone were to do the same thing in reverse to you, you’d either 1) not listen to them or be insulted or 2) Jesus Juke THAT.

Also it’s almost always said to someone who you don’t really know that well. Therefore you assume things about that person and their spiritual walk and faith.

For the record, the best Jesus Juke someone ever pulled on me was I had posted online “I haven’t read a book in over a week. I have no desire to read anything. I think something’s wrong.” One of the responses I got was “Try Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John.”

Sigh. Just don’t be that person. Don’t.

Love Jesus. Don’t Jesus Juke.

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We Come Running

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Hopefully by the time you read this I will either have completed Week 3 Day 2 of Couch to 5k or I will be about to start it. I swear all my posts aren’t going to talk about running but because that’s what I’m doing a lot lately, it’s been on my mind. I don’t post my runs or my workouts on my Facebook though I will occasionally talk about it on Twitter. Otherwise I’ve actually been pretty good about keeping it on the down low. Why?

Because I feel like everyone else can do it better than me. Even though I’m pleased with myself that I can currently run for 3 minutes at a time without stopping seems like it would be uber lame to everyone else. Especially to all my friends who run all the time. (You can run 3 minutes? I ran 3 HOURS) Also multiple posts on any subject that seems like humble brags get annoying because it seems like people are just begging for applause and approval.

Yes yes I know. I’m supposed to be doing this for myself and not for anyone else. I know that the fact that I’ve gotten up and have been running for four weeks now is loads better than all the other people who keep saying they are going to run but don’t.

And I am quite pleased at my progress. Currently I alternate between running outside and on a treadmill. I listen to music while I run mainly because that gets me going more so than an audiobook would. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE audiobooks but I when I listen to them I need to concentrate fully and I can’t do that while running. My mind wonders and the beat of the music is good background noise and keeps me from hearing my own breathing.

I just have a feeling of being late to the game and that everyone else is doing it better than me. I’ve been reading message boards and Reddit on other people doing Couch to 5k and it’s both been encouraging and discouraging at the same time.It’s great to know that other people are out there just like me and finding themselves being able to do things that they thought they couldn’t do. It’s super motivational and I find myself getting pumped up for my next run.

But then at the same time, I feel like I’m still doing it wrong. Like for example, people talk about the number one reason why they prefer to run outside vs the treadmill is because they get bored on it. Call me weird but I don’t find it boring at all. Maybe it’s because of my weird overactive imagination but I enjoy using the treadmill. I know that running outside is better for you but sometimes I can’t do it everyday. I’m not comfortable running during rainy weather and sometimes the heat is too much for me. That being said if I get the chance, I DO run outside but some days I’d just rather head to the gym and treadmill it up.

Or the fact that I feel like I’m running too slow. Yes, I know I’m only week 3 so I still have a long ways to go before I’ll be able to do a 5k in the 30 minute range. It’s just a bit discouraging to read other people’s experience where they are running faster and still in the same time frame as I am.

I know that it’s ok to be different. I know that not everyone has the same experiences that I do and as long as I keep it up, I’m doing a lot better than I was even just a few weeks earlier. I know I need to stop comparing myself to others. I guess it’s just the feeling of everyone else knows what they’re doing, they’ve been doing it forever, and I’m behind.

Interestingly my devotional for today touched on a lot of the very things I’ve been struggling with lately regarding running and my faith. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is so grounded in their faith and they seem to not feel shaken even when bad things happen. I feel left behind because I still struggle and even though I’m doing everything I can to strengthen my faith, I still feel left behind. Even though I’m not giving up on my faith by any means lately it’s been easy to feel discouraged.

But I know I need to keep at it. I’m not about to stop just because of what everyone is doing or how they act. My faith (just like my running) is my own experience and I need to keep at it at my own pace. This devotional focusing on Hebrews 12 sums it up better than I ever could.

Just keep running. Keep persevering. Don’t give up.

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How secure are you about your insecurity?

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Have you ever read something and you felt like OMG this is totally speaking to me. That this must have been written for me. And you wonder why on earth you didn’t know about this before? And then you want to tell everyone about it even though you know it won’t have the same impact on them that it did you?

This happened to me the other night when I finally read So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. I normally don’t read a lot of Moore’s books. I once did a Bible study of hers but it was quite long and there was a lot of “homework” involved.  It had been sitting in my library TBR pile (which seems to be never-ending) but over the weekend something happened that made me feel like God wanted me to finally read the book. And I started and finished it in one day, which is really rare for me with non fiction books. Apparently I really needed it.

While almost the majority of everyone deals with some type of insecurity (there may be a lucky few of you who don’t at all), we all don’t suffer for the same reasons. What may bother you might not bother someone else. And we may not be able to understand someone else’s issues.

Insecurity is a very ugly thing and causes us to act in ways that are not appealing. A lot of times we really try to hide the fact that we feel this way. For me, a good bit of my insecurity is coming from wanting to feel like I’m normal and not standing out, but feeling like I’m failing immensely. Part of this comes from growing up and physically standing out of the crowd when I wanted to blend in but instead got teased for it.

As an adult, I’ve learned and accepted (though you may not believe it) that I’m unique and it’s perfectly fine that I don’t share the same interests or characteristics as everyone else. As I stated last week, I’m happy with the person I’ve become and while I want to make myself a better person FOR myself, I’m cool with what I do.

It sound silly, even to me as I type this, but I struggle with wanting to just be seen as normal. I feel when I tell other people about things I like or something I’m excited about, other people don’t seem to care. I think because I care so (ok, too) much about what other people think I tend to notice facial expressions or pick up little things more than others. I notice when someone darts their eyes away, gets restless, looks bored, sighs, changes the subject, etc.

Or other people, because they aren’t as interested, tend to knock down things I talk about. This may just be their personality but to me it feels like what I am excited about isn’t worth their time. It’s one thing when I tell a random stranger and they don’t care. But when I tell someone who I do care about and their reactions seem to be bored or uninterested, I feel like I should just shut up because what I have to say isn’t interesting to them. Instead of lashing out, I tend to withdraw.

I realize my personality is different from others. I may also act in different ways than other people. If someone doesn’t like something I do, while inwardly I may think but why not?!, outwardly I’m not going to tell them they are stupid for it. If someone likes something that I don’t, while I may say I don’t like it I won’t tell them it’s stupid. I’m so worried about feeling stupid in front of other people who I would never want to make someone else feel that way because I know how horrible that feeling can be. I feel empathy towards people. I also may overly project how I feel on others.

Anyways all this can lead to some of the feelings I have about being insecure. So when I picked up the book and started reading it, it was like reading a book directly written for me. It’s good to know then that I’m not alone.

I tried not to quote the entire book but these were some of the passages that REALLY stood out to me.

Men are not our problems, it’s what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling that our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we’re valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it’s time act smart and hard to get or play dumb and needy. (page 7)

Are we honestly going to insist on drawing our security from people – men or women – who are oblivious to the inordinate amount of weight we give to our estimation of us? (page 9)

Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt, a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. (page 17)

The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery. (page 23)

We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met and, therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we’re secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren’t secure. We were spoiled. One way we can detect insecurity is by our knee-jerk reaction to any level of change in a relationship, particularly if we perceive that the focus has shifted away from us. (page 25)

Overwhelmingly, the men used one word to describe what they do when they feel insecure: withdraw. If they don’t overtly withdraw, they will probably behave in a way, whether consciously or unconsciously, that will make their love ones withdraw. One way or the other, a man who feels insecure will often force space. If quietness doesn’t work, excessive irritation, agitation, or anger will usually do the job……Generally speaking men withdraw when they feel insecure and women cling. Men give off the don’t mess with me vibe. Women give off the please mess with me vibe. (page 194-195)

Women who struggle with insecurity are particularly taken with two divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. (page 208) People who are chronically insecure often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks. We feel most secure when our environment is in control and since no one is able to control it to our satisfaction, we decide we have to do it ourselves. If someone would do it and do it right, we wouldn’t have to take over, so it’s not really our fault, we reason. It’s our responsibility. (page 209)

People do what they want to do. You can’t make them do something else. You can’t force them. You can’t change them. You can’t deliver them. Only God can…..When we try to do God’s job, we get in God’s way. (page 214)

We can’t control what we don’t know and we can’t secure what we can’t see. (page 214)

There is knowing. And there is knowing too much. (page 218)

When God initiates, He equips us to handle. Even though unsolicited information might have caused pain and great conflict, if God initiated the revelation, He had a goal in mind that was steeped in great love. Even if He used a messenger you didn’t like, HE worked through His sovereignty to open your eyes to something vital…..When we scratch and claw to dig information out of the dirt, we don’t get the same kind of grace that accompanies divine revelation. (page 219)

We pry because we are insecure and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person’s every thought, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about himself. If we want to become secure women of God, we must cease asking questions we can’t handle the answer to. (page 220-221)

The goal in our female relationships should be to encourage one another’s security. Not enable one another’s insecurity. (page 289)

Any time insecurity hits you can be sure that you are afraid of something…..When we set certain conditions for trust, we offer the enemy of our souls the perfect playground for toying with our minds No, he can’t read our thoughts but he can certainly study our behaviors. Once he pinpoints our emotional Achilles’ heel, he draws back the bow and aims the poisonous dart straight at it. He figures out what we’re most afraid of, and then he taunts us unmercifully with expert marksmanship. (page 324)

So if you’re still reading down to here:

To sum it up, I really got a lot out of this book. The situation this weekend was one where my insecurities were coming at me full force. I’m the type of person that instead of lashing out towards other people when this happens, I beat up on myself even more. The whole section about “wanting to know more because you fear” really spoke to me because that’s exactly what was happening. Had I not read this book right after that happened, I would be a mess right now because I’d be dwelling on the limited information I have and would want to keep trying to find out more. But by doing so it would hurt me and I’d just keep repeating the cycle. Instead, I feel like God gave me tools to learn how to combat it and move toward a more positive way to deal with these.

I’m not perfect nor will I ever be. I know that I have many things to work out and insecurities like these are some of them. But I know that with God, he’ll help me through it all.

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. (Psalm 29:11) 

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A Late Bloomer Finally Gets It

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Last week I talked about wearing masks and believing the lie that God could never love us. Here’s the second part to that series.

We’re so afraid that the dream can’t come. That if someone actually knew the real us, saw behind the mask, before the makeup that they would walk away. Our fear is to be known and be rejected. And when those things that we fear keep us from being loved and they are held in front of my face, we believe every bad thing about us.

It’s really funny how there’s a fine line as to how much Christians will take when it comes to openness and authenticity. We constantly talk about how we need to be real with other believers and that it’s important to share our problems because we shouldn’t face things alone. And that it’s good to do this in a safe environment with those we trust.

But at the same time if we see someone publicly talk about their struggles, we say they are being too open, over sharing, and some things are best left private. And then we start judging them, condemn them, and even try to shame them for acting this way and sharing it with the world without offering any help at all.

Thus we then repeat the cycle of never sharing anytime we’re going through something tough in life because we need to keep it all together on the outside because as Christians we’re supposed to be able to trust God in everything and never worry.

We can’t have it both ways can we?

Are we afraid to see struggles in other people’s lives because it brings out to light the ones we have in our own? Do we see someone having struggles and feel “blessed” because we don’t have that going on in our lives? Do we just not want to deal with anyone else and their problems because we have our own mess to deal with? Do we place perfect pictures on Facebook of how great our lives are because we are genuinely happy or because we want to brag? Is the intention to make someone jealous or just to show a happy moment?

The last five pics on Facebook I posted are

  1. a screenshot of Josh Groban retweeting me
  2. Me and my friends’ adorable baby
  3. A pic of my move in a tabletop game where I die.
  4. My friend and his baby making the exact same face
  5. All the flights of beer my friends and I were about to sample.

What were the reasons for me behind posting these? Well honestly, either out of sheer excitement at the moment or the baby being so darned cute. I don’t go on trips to photographic places, I don’t have an awesome boyfriend/husband who cleans my car AND cooks me dinner, I personally don’t have a very cute baby, and I haven’t recently had a major life event that I can share with everyone. Therefore I don’t feel like my life is anything anyone would be jealous over. Even IF I wanted to impress anyone, the people I would want to see “how awesome my life is right now” don’t follow any of my social media and therefore have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I’m not trying to get likes on these photos to make me feel validated. And let me tell you, getting a billion notifications is not fun either. I experienced that with my Josh Groban retweet. It makes me not want to ever be a celebrity. That was not a humble brag for the record.

I think sometimes I use social media simply just to make sure I’m not alone in how I feel and to see if there is anyone else that can validate my thinking so I’m not weird. I realize that not everyone will be excited about the things I am interested in. I’m not out for universal approval. If I were I’d be failing like a champ because I’ll never get it.

“Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I’m afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time”

And yet…

Right now I’m at a point in my life where I fully enjoy all the interests that I have. It’s taken me a while to realize and accept this. I’m a late bloomer. I know this. I’m sure there are many of you who figured this out the day you were born.

I’m going to tell you this though. It’s hard. It’s really hard when you are excited about something, either an interest that you have or something that you’ve accomplished, and NO ONE can share in your excitement with you. Either they simply don’t care or they don’t share the interest so when you try to explain it, they don’t get it or understand why you’re so excited. And then someone else will come along with something everyone else can relate to and you’re just left alone in the dust.

For example: there are many times when I like something and I’m literally the only female in the group of people I hang around with that does. There have been many times when I’ve been considered one of the guys when it comes to shared interests. It’s great fun during that specific time period because I enjoy stuff like beer, tabletop gaming, and comics. But then they go back to their significant others who are the complete 180 of me and I’m left alone. And it makes me feel like I have to be something/someone else in order to have that too. That there’s something wrong with me where I’m cool enough to do one thing but it’s not enough to have everything else.

It’s hard to watch all my female friends go through the process of being single to being a girlfriend, wife, and mother while I’m left behind. And now that I’m literally the last one of my girlfriends to be single, it’s sometimes hard to not think if I’m doing something wrong or if there’s something wrong with me. There’s also the Christian side of this that tells you you can’t pursue and you need to wait. And also the view that if a guy wants something, he’ll go after it. Well with that logic, what happens to all the women who are never asked? Does this mean they are never wanted? What’s going on here?

I believed it was my fault that no one wanted to go out with me and that the responsibility for it rested squarely on my shoulders. If I were more spiritual, or more beautiful, or less opinionated guys would be into what I was selling.

But I know that it’s not true. I know that I can never be what I’m not. God has made me into the way I am and while I can tweak and work on things, I’m ultimately the person that I am.

Something I’m trying to accept: Even if no one else I know personally likes something I do, it does not mean that I am doing something wrong or that I am so weird and must change myself.

I’ve always felt like an outsider and that something must be weird with me because no one else likes what I like.  No, I don’t think I’m some sort of special snowflake that is so incredibly unique. When I really think about it, even though I would have liked to have been part of what everyone else does, I’ve always done my own thing. I’ve always gravitated towards things that the majority doesn’t really go after – from types of food I like, to TV shows, to books I read, even down to celebrities I like. Almost everything I like, the majority of people I know won’t be into it because I discovered it on my own. It suits me fine to have my interests but it would just be awesome to be able to share in the excitement with people you actually know. There’s always the internet but when you’re with friends, it feels odd standing out.

But I’m learning to accept that it’s ok to be different. I mean I wish people wouldn’t put me down for the things I like even if they don’t like them. That’s actually something I’ve never understood. If someone is genuinely excited about something and they tell you about it (in a non bragging way, but still) why on earth would you shoot them down with a “Why do you like [certain thing]? That’s so stupid.” There are many things that many of my friends do that I have no interest in. It doesn’t lessen what they do just because I don’t.

There are hard days. Yes. I look at many Christian women who are strong believers, awesome at what they do, are gorgeous, and yet they are single. I’ve read or heard them say they struggled with it because they didn’t/don’t really want to be in that situation.I can’t figure out why in the world they are single. And it makes me wonder if THEY can’t find anyone, what makes me think that I can have any hope?

But whatever God wants to happen will happen. I don’t know His ultimate plans but right now I do know that I’ve enjoyed becoming the person that I am now. And while yes, I can always work on some things, I am happy with how I turned out. I am who I am. I come with quirks, flaws, and baggage. I think my laugh sounds too loud and my sneezes weird everyone else out. But you know what? I’m happy. I’ve reached that point in my life where I’m not going to change myself just to get someone else. I’m not going to try pretend to be someone I’m not just to keep and maintain any sort of relationship. If someone wants me to be something I cannot ever be and doesn’t allow my true self to be appreciated then you’re not meant to be in my life in that particular way.

I’m no longer hiding behind any more masks. This is me.

And me is awesome.

We have some pretty big ideas of how our lives should go. We feel pretty strongly about what we don’t want to happen, and we’re perfectly willing to spend our entire lives fretting and fussing and not trusting that—whatever it is—God is for us. http://shereadstruth.com/2014/07/15/please-thank-2/

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Random Things That Popped in My Head During Communion

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Communion 02 St John's Lutheran Asheboro, NC from Flickr via Wylio

© 2010 BlancheK, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

I’d like to preface this by saying, that when I take communion (or the Lord’s Supper) at church, it is usually a very serious time for me. It makes feel very close to God and gives me a time to reflect on things such as why I believe on what I believe. I’m not going to lie though, sometimes random things pop up in my head during the whole process. I’m not sure how your church does communion (crackers, bread, wafers, juice, wine? sit down, stand up, kneel?) but mine does the pass the plate method and so I’m sitting in seat with these thoughts randomly passing through my head.

  • I swear it doesn’t matter what church I go to, it seems that the section that has the fewest people gets the most ushers.
  • Why are there only two rows between those ushers and yet there’s a huge gap between the other ones?
  • Why do they always look confused about where to start? Aren’t there some guidelines for them to guesstimate?
  • What happens if someone drops the plates?
  • What happens if someone sneezes or coughs into the plate?
  • What if a plate finishes mid way through?
  • The crackers are now gluten-free!
  • Should I go for the biggest piece of cracker? I don’t want to touch everything.
  • Avoid the burnt piece!
  • Must pick a cup of juice. Inside, outside? DECISIONS.
  • IT’S STUCK!
  • Time to pray…AHHH Juice don’t fall down!
  • Man this cracker is really good. It feels like a sin to be focused on how good the cracker tastes when it’s supposed to represent the body of Jesus.
  • I don’t want to wash away the taste of the cracker with the grape juice.
  • That was good grape juice too.
  • I’m glad we were told WHEN to eat. There once was a time when we weren’t given instructions and everyone was all like…uh are we supposed to do it now? Too early? Too late?
  • Time to pray again. *spins finger on rim of cup*
  • Wait, why is nobody passing down the basket to put the empty cups in? Is it on my side and I didn’t notice? *check under chair* Nope, not there. *Awkwardly looks to the left.* Is the basket missing? Is the person at the other end a first timer and doesn’t know to check under their seat? What is going on? Ok, it looks like it’s not going to happen. Well this is awkward. Hmm, can I make it into the basket on the seat in front of me? Whew. It pays to be on the end.
  • This is the only time I ever miss having pews. Because you can’t put the cups on the back of the pew. And play with those rubber things you put the cups in.
  • What happens to all the leftover crackers and juice? Do they get thrown out? It seems weird, almost sacrilegious, to snacking on the crackers or drinking out of the cups later.

And now you know how my mind works. Yep. On a fun note, we DID find out what kind of crackers have been used lately at our church. Everyone had noticed how the taste had improved 100% from the last time we had done it. Until next month’s communion!

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Don’t Believe the Lie

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Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

This is going to be a two part series. Part 1 is from other people’s thoughts and then part 2 will be next week with my own thoughts.

Funny, I had been planning for a few weeks to write a blog post on this subject. Then we had a guest preacher on Sunday which can be hit or miss depending on the subject matter and/or style of teaching. This week it turned out to be a hit because the sermon ended up being almost exactly what I was going to write on. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE GOD.

I’ve paraphrased the sermon here, so not direct quotes but pretty much the gist of what I got out of it.

We’ve all got troubles. But we don’t like letting other people know that we do.

Ephesians 6:10-17 talks about putting on the armor of God so, among the things you will defend yourself against are flaming arrows. These arrows show us our shame, remind us of our secrets, and whispers the lie that God could never love you.

The power of this lie is that it plays on our deepest fear, which is that we want someone to KNOW us, the REAL us and not the person that we pretend to be on a job interview. We want to allow them to see the skeletons that are in the closet but also want that same person to love us.

We’re so afraid that the dream can’t come. That if someone actually knew the real us, saw behind the mask, before the makeup that they would walk away. Our fear is to be known and be rejected. And when those things that we fear keep us from being loved and they are held in front of my face, we believe every bad thing about us.

We try to defend ourselves by putting out a version of ourselves that we think is lovable. We take all the real stuff and put up yellow caution tape and say keep out. We put up the good stuff on Facebook because what will happen if others see all the other stuff? They’ll walk away.

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative”. Chris Rock

We only show the version of us that we think others might love. We only get out the stuff that we think is worthy of love.

What if someone saw behind the mask? What would someone say if they really know us?

Satan shows you your sin and tells you God doesn’t love you. God shows you His Son and says “Oh yes I do.”

A friend of mine wrote a comment in a Facebook group we’re in and gave me permission to share parts of it here. I feel like it pretty much summarizes what the message on Sunday was saying but with a personal touch.

I stopped dating when I was 19 and didn’t go on another date until I was 23 ( I think?). Guys. Never. Asked. Me. Out. I went on about it kind of ad nauseam on the blog back in the day, and everyone had a reason for it that read kind of like these articles. I was too “picky”, I was too “contentious”, I was too “masculine”, I was too chubby and didn’t care for my physical appearance enough to attract a man. All the guys I knew were *right* not to ask me out because I was, apparently, at 23, a hateful spiteful disgusting hag.

The gross thing is, I *believed* them. I believed it was my fault that no one wanted to go out with me and that the responsibility for it rested squarely on my shoulders. If I were more spiritual, or more beautiful, or less opinionated guys would be into what I was selling.

Between 23 and 25 I began to start rejecting the “theology” that had kept me single for so long. I started Online dating and saying yes to everyone, and I went on a lot of dates with a lot of disappointing men. No, not “they have a blue collar job and that’s beneath me” disappointing. “I can’t carry a conversation” disappointing, “I have no real life plans” disappointing, “I figured it was about time for me to stop being an irresponsible playboy and settle down” disappointing. I thought that these kinds of guys would be the only ones who could ever possibly like or be interested in someone like me, because the message I heard constantly and internalized was “You’re not good enough.” I was beyond settling, I thought I needed to find someone out there who was willing to settle *for* me. “You’re not good enough” resonated with me because it was something that I had internalized a LOT as a bullied child and a young adult who just never felt she could chin up on the adequacy bar. No matter what I did, I always felt like people around me were disappointed. That was baggage I carried into my relationships.

After a four month relationship with “I didn’t finish high school and am dangerously emotionally attached to my mother” disappointing, I started to suspect that there was a common denominator in the kinds of guys who asked me out. — They were guys who wanted to date the kind of woman I was trying to sell myself as. The idyllic quiet, unassuming, unquestioning sweet gentle good Christian girl I was trying to learn to be. They wanted someone who was going to mother them, care for them, make them happy and solve all their problems. The Conservative church had taught me that I was supposed to be a problem solver. My role was to be a “helpmeet” and if I couldn’t live up to whatever that entailed for whatever specific man I was supporting, then I was a failure as a woman. I finally had to come face to face with reality: I could never be that woman.

Thankfully, I had been becoming involved in a less conservative church over the years, with women who reeducated me in who I was. I was loved regardless of my doing, and that my ideas were not less worthy simply because they originated in my female mind. These strong women of faith retaught me to trust my own discernment when it came to seeking out God’s plan for my life. I came out of that season and I began to get a different perspective on dating: What if — instead of waiting on guys who didn’t ask me out to take me on a date, or accepting whatever crumbs might fall off that fundamentalist table — I began to date the kinds of guys *I* wanted to marry? Decent guys with good life plans who shared my goals and interests. So I began to consciously seek those guys out. I worked hard to surround myself not with guys who talked a good “spiritualized” game, but with guys who were engaged in their careers, who set goals for themselves, and who had hobbies and interests beyond impressing people with big talk and being seen at Church and friend events.

All this to say, sometimes we put too much emphasis on the asking. At the end of the day, in any marriage, you both have to learn to make decisions together, as a couple. If you know what you want out of a relationship and you see those qualities in another person, then run after that! There is no biblical mandate that says you can’t. Don’t internalize the story that you are only worth what washes up on the beaches of your life, or you might end up with a bunch of six pack rings and some kelp and a lot of time on your hands.

Well said. Probably better than what I’ll be saying next week, but I’ll still give it a shot.

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I can feel your anger…..

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I got angry at God the other day.

Nothing new. It’s happened before. And before. And before. And before.

Yep. It would appear I get angry with God a lot.

Because I do. I feel God plays favorites. And I am not one of them.

There are days where it feels like this for me

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;

Now, I’m about to do that thing where I tell you that I know what you’re about to say and I’m going to say it before you say it so that YOU know that I know.

Yes, things can always be worse and I should be grateful for what I have and my situation now. Plus there’s Acts 10:34-35.

Ok now that you’re done with that.

I still think God has favorites and I’m not one of them. Oh I know he loves me. I don’t doubt that at all. I know he’s faithful and everything will happen according to his plan. No worries there.

I just think there are some people who will go through life a lot easier than others. There are things that I want to happen, that I’ve been praying for to happen for years. That I’m still waiting on and have no idea if it ever will happen. Meanwhile I watch people left and right keep having everything I want happen to them, even when they aren’t looking for it, and it comes in abundance for them. I feel like no matter what choices I make in my life, they always seem to lead to me having to climb back UP the mountain while I watch people who I know will never have to go through a single trial even close to what I’ve been through.

And it’s not fair.

Well, life isn’t fair, you say. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others.

Sure you can say that. And I can tell you right back to shut your face.

Yeah, I said that. And I can still be angry at God. Do you know why? God can take it.

I used to be scared when I was growing up that if I were to tell God that I was angry or hurt, he’d kill me immediately. So for years, I lived in fear bottling up my emotions especially anger. To this day, I’m still not good at letting myself be angry because I am always afraid at showing true emotions to people because I feel they’ll tell me I’m just being over emotional or overreacting. And for me to show real feelings to God, while I’m getting better, is still hard because I feel like he could get irritated to me and have something worse to happen to make me shut up and be grateful.

The funny part though is whenever I get angry with God and I let him know, I don’t draw away from him. Instead I find myself drawing closer to him.

My favorite book in the entire Bible is Psalms. Paul is all good and everything for teaching but David is my emo boy who gets me. And there are MANY passages in the Bible where David cries out at God, accuses God of leaving him, gets downright furious with him. But David always knows that God has not truly abandoned him and that He is still with him.

Often when we’re angry, we either ignore God because we think we’re not allowed to talk to God that way, or we reject God because we think He’s not allowed to act that way. Either way, we must discipline ourselves to cry out to God from exactly the place where we find ourselves, or we might as well not cry out at all.

That’s it. We don’t need to figure out how we’re “supposed” to feel, we just need to do all we can to say, even through the gritting of teeth: “Here I am. Here’s why I hurt. Help.” Then you walk together, in a relationship, navigating the long ride home.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/can-i-be-mad-god#sgkcIbpvYoYQEmIk.99

The thing with me is that I know the truth. I know that God has not left me and still has some plan for me. And it may not even be during this lifetime that I get to see all of it. So yeah, I can be very logical and rational because I know all this. But there are times when I will get angry and I will get frustrated at God. And I’m just going to let it out.

You won’t be able to give me the answers I want and your pithy sayings won’t comfort me. Neither will your condescending attitude of what I should or shouldn’t be doing. If I ever come to you and I’m angry at God, just listen to me. That’s all you need to do.

Just sometimes it’s best to let out the emotion. And I truly believe that God understands it when you do.

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The Best Way to Clear Your Mind

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I took a walk tonight.

I know. That sounds ….thrilling. But it’s really amazing how much it helps.

I have had a lot going on in my mind over the past few days and I just needed to get out of my room and out of my head. I decided to took a 2 mile walk. I didn’t jog or run. Just walked. It’s been rather cool over the past few days and I know that soon the heat and humidity will come. So I just enjoyed a nice casual but brisk walk around my neighborhood.

It was good to get away from the computer screen and just be by myself for a while. I did take my phone in case of emergency but I wasn’t constantly on it. I just wanted to spend time gaining clarity and letting my mind get clear from all the things that have been running through my head lately.

If you happened to pass me as I walking, you may have thought I was slightly nuts because I was talking to myself but really I was praying. For me, I find it better for me to pray out loud because it gives me a better sense of what I want to say to God.

The other night I was unable to go to sleep due to feeling very emotionally restless about something to the point where I started crying in bed. Since I was unable to go to sleep, I got up and went online to read some devotions and the Bible. Lo and behold the very first devotion I pulled up was just based on this verse: “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(Nehemiah 8:10b) And I’m like “Lord, are you kidding me? It’s like you knew.” I then just started praying a lot and about an hour later, I was finally able to go to sleep.

The next morning, I look up another devotional site I visit and for that day, the post was simply asking people to tell them in the comments what they were struggling with and needed prayer for, and then asked everyone to pray for each other. So I left a comment and I felt very blessed to know that there were people praying for me at that moment from all over the world. Again, it felt like God knew that I was going to need that.

Therefore I know that God will provide me with what I need when I need it, even when I don’t realize it. And what I needed tonight was just a clear mind and wisdom. I wanted to make sure that what was going on with me now was not something controlled by emotions or being swayed by what seemed rational at the moment. Being trapped in one’s own head can lead to disastrous results and I needed to have clarity before making any decisions.

My walk did just that. I felt all fuzzy headed when I started and by the time I got back I felt at peace. It was a lovely talk with God with no distractions and also felt good about myself. I was able to pray without distractions and I felt God lifting the confusion. Basically I let him know how I felt, what I would like for him to do, and that I was just going to let things go and let him handle it and I was going to choose not to worry about it.

Interestingly since I got back, he’s already answered one of those requests.

So yeah, take a walk. It’ll do you good.