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How does one be real and authentic in a #filtered world?

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I was talking with a friend the other day who had deactivated their Facebook account. Initially I had assumed I was blocked because this person had been an avid poster with their account full of witty status updates, Instagram pics of a seemingly perfect life, and basically looking like they were enjoying everything that came their way. The life they shared online looked glorious where they got tons of comments and likes on practically everything. (Meanwhile I’m sitting here cheering when I get ONE person to like something.) So it was a rather big shock to hear that their reason for leaving was because they were tired of seeing other people having lives while they weren’t having one of their own due to constantly having to work all the time. I was like “But YOU looked like YOU were having the life!” I would have never guessed that they were jealous of other people because to me, I was jealous of their life. Like seriously, I found myself feeling like I was never going to be seen as cool enough based on everything they posted and found myself trying to post things on my wall to get THEIR approval. In reality, they were only trying to make the best of what was rather a grueling and tiring life.

It’s funny how with social media we get jealous of people for sharing their perfect lives, annoyed with people for oversharing their not so perfect lives, and then with our own personal lives, we just try to hide everything. We’ll either put up a facade where it looks like we’ve got it all together. This can either be on social media or even in person.

Yet inside we’re hurting and wondering if there’s anyone else out there who feels the same way we do.

How do I know this? Because for years I did this. When I was going through the worst parts of the years leading to my divorce, you would have had no idea based on my Facebook statuses or my Tweets or even if you saw me in person. I was determined to hide it and fake it so that no one would know what was going on. I didn’t want people to start judging me so I just hid everything to the point where it was like I was living a double life. You would have never known how much I was struggling during those years and what was actually going on in my real life.

And yet, sometimes there were cracks. Every now and then a rather emotional status would pop up because I couldn’t hold it in. But because I never hinted or alluded to it at any other time, the random statuses look odd and no one says anything, and it does come off as oversharing. If you’ve been positive so much and then get randomly real, it makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know what to do.

Sometimes though you don’t even need to share anything at all and it’ll still have the same effect. People who don’t post anything online but still don’t talk about it in real life either have extremely private lives or extremely boring lives. It’s not a crack at you. You just either don’t want to share things with everyone or you have nothing to share. Though I will say that if you don’t post things online but you continue to look at everyone else’s, well….you’re basically just being a voyeur aren’t you?

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But this is what I currently struggle with now. How can I be real and authentic without oversharing, being too dramatic or appear overally emotional? How can I ask a Christian show both those who share my faith and those that don’t that life is not always perfect but through it all I am getting through it because of my faith? I feel like other Christians tend to hide behind their faith and we don’t want to share the messy because we’re supposed to have it altogether. If anything, we’re supposed to have 100% trust in God and anytime we show doubt or anger or uncertainty, it looks as if we don’t, therefore it’ll appear as if we don’t have strong enough faith.

If I see someone with wonderful pictures all the time of a seemingly perfect life with their kids, significant others, DIY projects, food, car, house, job, etc. my two initial thoughts are “Why do they have it all together and I don’t?” or “Are they hiding something behind all the perfectness?” The problem is I don’t know what the truth is. Even if I know them pretty well. I’ve seen people put up their struggles on social media, not whining about petty things, but real honest struggles that makes them seem more authentic to me only to have other people blast them for being negative. So these people DO want to see a facade?

Yes, I get that a lot of you come to Facebook to escape your own life. You present the best parts of yourself online. You don’t people to see your messy and while you want to see if others are experiencing struggles, you overall don’t want to swim in theirs either. It’s a convoluted process.

All I know is that I want to try to be real and authentic when portraying myself even though it’s hard and at the same time to NOT get jealous or feel inadequate when seeing everyone else. I highly doubt anyone is jealous of mine. Right now it’s all me basically being excited about the new Avengers movie, defending Hawkeye, and all the books I’m reading. It’s my actual life and I’m not being fake about it. Taking myself offline isn’t going to be the answer for me. I’m sure I’ll figure this out…..

In the meantime, posts like this bring me back down to earth: The Reality Behind Instagram Feeds.

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Hints, Allegations, and Things Left Unsaid: Or the Story of My Year So Far

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It’s halfway through April and I’ve still yet to find what my personal theme for this year is going to be. I’m not too worried because I’m sure when I figure out, it’ll make complete sense. That being said, I’m still feeling that the year of “The Impossible Girl” is still lingering over me.

It’s funny because I’m still seeing God working in my life 100% in ways that I did think were impossible in the last few years. It’s kind of freaky to go back and read journal entries and see how much my life has changed in ways that I can only attribute to God working in my life.

One of the things I’ve been asking God to be more of this year is to be more clear to me. When things get murky and not so clear, I tend to get confused and then I wallow in it for a long time. I’ll get stuck trying to figure out details and I just don’t move on. It’s a very horrible feeling and it constantly makes me feel like I’m not trusting God enough because it’s my fault and that I’m doing something wrong.

But weirdly enough this year, I feel like God’s been making things pretty clear in my life almost to the point of bluntness but with a much kinder approach. It’s been kind of cool though. Doors are either closing for good or they’re not even opening at all. This is somewhat nice because it means I can instead focus on other things instead of just standing wondering if I should keep trying to work on that door.

I’ve never been a big fan of people telling me that when God closes a door he opens a window. Because this line from “29/31” by Garfunkel and Oates sums it up perfectly: “You realize that’s a smaller opening, right? You used to be able to walk out the front door and now you have to climb out some slightly ajar window somewhere, possibly falling five stories to your death. That is NOT an upgrade.”

But at the same time, I feel like the doors that have been closing in my life were pretty big things in my past that I needed to let go. These were circumstances where I wasn’t trusting God and was taking them by my own hands and sometimes they ended up working positive and sometimes they didn’t. Either way, in the past month I’ve been seeing them shut one by one, some by my choice, others have definitely caught me off guard at the sudden closure. It’s definitely showing me that I’m not the one in control here. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling and yet….

Does it mean God’s closing the doors just to close them? Is He shutting all of them down because I need to move away from what I once held important in the past?  Or does it mean it’s because He has something planned even better for me? He could be doing either. Again the moral of this story is, gah. I just have to trust Him. You think by now I’d be used to this plan/idea but like I said we all know I’m a late bloomer.

I’m also trying to become more assertive in what I want. Instead of just passively waiting, I’m more actively waiting. This means praying first and seeing if this is something I feel God wants for me and then instead of just waiting for things to magically happen, I go for it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t. I don’t have to sit around getting emotionally invested wondering what might have been.

Does this mean I’m not waiting on God to work in my life? Far from it. I’m still 100% waiting on God to work in my life. I know fully well that He is in control of everything.

I’ll just say right now there’s a small situation in my life that seems SUPER CRAZY INSANE impossible. Almost to the point of I FEEL REALLY STUPID EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT AND HOW I AM VERY SUBTLY MENTIONING IT ON HERE. I’m not going to explain it because really it’s THE MOST ABSURD THING EVER AND THIS MAY BE THE ONLY TIME I EVER TALK ABOUT IT. And yet….I know fully well that God can make the impossible happen. All I can do right is pray that He continues to show me what He wants and to put what He desires into my heart as well. And if it’s not meant to be that He makes it super clear so that I know.

Things may not turn out like I wanted or planned (though it still could) but I know that my God will always come through. Always.

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You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

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I was at lunch with some friends the other day and I noticed something. As much fun as I was having with them, I noticed how surface-y the conversation was.

It’s not that I want deep, introspective conversations at every mealtime or get together. It’s impossible to do that with such big groups of people. Sometimes you just want light and fun conversation where you can forget about things that are troubling you and you need an escape. And sometimes you just don’t want to talk about yourself and you don’t want to hear about everyone else’s heavy stuff. Sometimes it’s better to keep a distance so you don’t get too involved.

At the same time though, it made me realize that a lot of people don’t really know me. Sure, people see me every week, we talk, we hang out. But I also realize that they don’t know me. I don’t get asked questions beyond normal chit-chat. And a lot of time I do the exact same thing. I’m not sure if people either don’t know what to ask or if they read my blog and think they don’t need to. I’m not the type of person to volunteer information either. I figure if you wanted to know, you’d ask and if you don’t ask, then you don’t want to know.

For example, I have a good feeling a lot of folks have no idea that I’m divorced. It’s not like I walk around introducing myself like “Hi, I’m Deborah. I’m divorced.” I’m not trying to hide this fact about myself. It’s just not something I’m going to voluntarily bring up the first time I meet you or even on the first date unless the conversation leads in that direction. People just assume I’m single and never been married because I will admit, it’s how I act. Since kids weren’t involved and it was done very non-messy, there’s nothing really to indicate anything else. While statistically and legally I would have to classify myself in this way, I don’t live my life based on this label. There are different connotations to just being single and being divorced. Again not trying to hide anything at all. It is just something that I don’t bring up unless I have to. 9 times out 10, it is not something that has to be brought up.

And yet it is a part of me and I feel like if you don’t know that part, you don’t really know me. For folks that know me in person, if you’re reading this and made it this far, if you want to talk, just ask me. I’m more than happy to talk.

I’ve been thinking lately about how I would like to share my testimony with people. It’s been a while since I shared it and even then it was only with a select group of people. I know that sharing how I found and lived my faith is something that is very important. It’s not something where I’m like “turn and burn” after you hear this. It’s more of I know that what happened in my life affected my faith and my faith affected what happened in my life. But I’m worried about telling it. I feel like I’m going to get judged by a lot of Christians when I share it. Why? Because it’s a messy story. It’s not something that they are going to be able to relate to. They’ll hear my story and it doesn’t matter if they know me or not, they’ll make snap judgments about me.

Someone asked me “Why do you want everyone knowing your deep secrets?” The answer to that is I don’t. Not everyone needs to know everything about my life just like I don’t need to know everything about theirs. But the parts of my life that I do feel I need to share, I want to share. Just have to figure out a way to properly do so.

Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. (Psalm 66:16)

Photo credit: (Original source: National Ocean Service Image Gallery)

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Can’t Stop. Won’t Stop. Talking.

It’s really funny how I’ve been told that I am both super quiet and need to come out of my shell and how I also need to just stop talking. Usually you’re one or the other. Yet since it’s me, of course I can be both.

When something is new to me or I’m placed in a situation where I feel uncomfortable or it’s something new, I tend to clam up. I would much rather not draw attention to myself. In situations like this, I tend to be quieter because I want to get a feel of my surroundings before I start to open up. I also am the type of person that usually isn’t good at jumping into the conversation without prompting. Some folks are excellent with just bulldozing their way into a conversation and will talk over others. I seem to not have this ability so I’ll wait for the pause before I give my two cents.

It all adds up to me being seen as someone who is quieter.

And then there are times where I cannot seem to shut up. I notice this is when I start being more comfortable around you. I don’t say awkward SOAP moments. I just for some reason can’t seem to stop talking. It’s like if something happens to me and it’s usually either good news or something that makes me a bit anxious, I seem to want to tell everyone about it. Sometimes it’s to get an opinion on what to do, sometimes it is to brag, sometimes it is because I just want to tell anyone who will listen.

There are many times when I wish that I could just bottle it in and not feel the need to tell everything to people. And the thing is I can. There are some things in my life that I will never share. There are some things I only share with those I’m close to. There are some things where I am totally open to sharing but again, only if prompted. I really envy those of you who have things happen and instead of projecting it outward, you absorb it completely until it vanishes.

Working in customer service puts you in a place where people feel the need to tell you everything that’s going on in their lives and on their mind. When you apologize to someone, why do we feel the need to have to explain everything? I know some people aren’t good at reading social cues or faces to tell that the other person doesn’t want to hear more than what is necessary, but what excuse do the rest of us have? Why do we keep talking and have words keep pouring out of mouth when we can clearly see the other person just does not want to hear what we are saying?

The obvious thing is to just assume that no one else wants to hear your sh*t. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Or I could just go back to writing in my journal whenever those impulses hit and wait to share my news with the people who really do want to hear them. I’ll figure it out. I always do.

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Dreams, they don’t always come true

I kid you not, I woke up the other morning and dreamed up this entire blog post. Like I had it fully visualized and thought of as soon as I opened my eye. I even grabbed frantically for a notepad near my bed so I could write down what was going to be the greatest blog post ever known to man. But as fate would have it, I couldn’t find a pen without getting out of bed, got frustrated, , decided it wasn’t worth it and went back to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could only remember what I have just written.

Dreams have a funny way of doing things to you. I have some friends who can’t remember anything once they wake up and then I have some friends who remember every detail from their dream, it’s almost like they are making it up but actually they just have that superpower to recall their dreams.

I have a recurring dream about an almost empty, dying mall. There are lots of stairs that look somewhat like this:stairs

It’s not completely abandoned. There are a few stores left but I’d say at least half the mall if not more is closed. You’ll be walking through it and the stores are open, people are in there, business is happening. But as you get further down, you’ll notice that there are a lot of boarded up storefronts and empty shops. It’s super quiet but in an eerie quiet, like you’re not supposed to be down there type of feeling.

Anyways that is a recurring dream of mine. I’m not into analyzing dreams though I’m sure it means something. It’s just really interesting how vivid it stands out to me. I frequently dream in color. There’s also been a dream where I knew that if I were to open the cabinet door I was going to wake up immediately in real life and the dream would end. I was fully aware of returning back to the real world once I did it. I delayed it for a bit and then finally gave in. Immediately I woke up completely wide awake and not a bit drowsy. That was both awesome and weird all at the same time. I also have those Inception dreams all the time, where I wake up and I’m still IN the dream.

I know there are some folks who believe that God speaks to them through dreams. After all, He did so in the Bible with Joseph and Daniel just to name a few. I don’t think I’m one of those people however. I do believe that God speaks to me through other ways but I don’t think dreams are my forte. If so then I would have been married to JTT years ago and the world will end in 1 billion years. That being said, I know God can use dreams to show things to you. You might chalk it up to your mind being relaxed or an overactive imagination but sometimes what’s bothering you or what you need to focus on will come right at you.

And let’s not even talk about nightmares…

Mood music:

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Don’t Stop Believing

I’m currently in the middle of my annual reading/listening to the Harry Potter series and I’m smack dab in the middle of Goblet of Fire. Harry’s about to do the first task and in addition to worrying about who put his name in the cup and how on earth he’s going to defeat dragons, he has to worry about his friendship with Ron. Because Ron doesn’t believe him, thinks he is lying, and is jealous of all the attention that  Harry is getting. As the story is told from Harry’s perspective, it’s still incredibly frustrating to read about unfairly he is being treated. We as the reader know why Ron feels this way (youngest boy after five older brothers) and yes, the characters are just teenagers. But what Harry is going through is also painful to read because he cannot control the circumstances and his best friend refuses to stand by him.

How many times have you gone through life and someone doesn’t believe you even though you are telling the truth? It’s one thing when it’s people who don’t know you that well. These people make snap judgment and unfortunately since they have no way of knowing what you are really like, changing their minds is nearly damn impossible. Hopefully your life doesn’t depend on their opinion (ie. they are the jury and you’re the defendant) so while it sucks, this usually isn’t that big of an issue.

But it’s a situation like Harry’s, when someone who is supposed to know you extremely well stops believing in you, that hurts like hell. And almost every tie there is nothing you can do about it but wait and hopefully the truth will come out. It’s extremely frustrating to feel like you need to make them believe that you are not lying especially when you know fully well you aren’t. It gets worse when they think they know better than you and taunt with that type of behavior.

Being believed is something that is very important to us. When we know we are telling the truth and when someone WE trust does not believe us, it is like a betrayal. For whatever the reason, the other person has lost THEIR trust in us. Even if it is warranted, to not be believed probably hurts more than having actual angry and hateful words said to you. You know it’s bad when you need to say to someone “You have to believe me!”

I don’t know why as humans we are so doubtful when it comes to believing others. I think it comes from not wanting to be gullible. You don’t want to be seen as the fool for believing someone and it turns out they were lying and you now look like the fool. Also sadly people do lie all the time and try to purposefully manipulate someone’s trust only to break it. We need all the facts and see all the proof before we want to trust.

And then there are those times when someone does believe us. We don’t have to try to defend ourselves or prove the truth. And that is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.

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I hate this so you must too!

I was reading a blog post the other day from an author whose books that I enjoy. She’s very opinionated when she writes on her blog and she really doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. If she loves something, she’s a freaking evangelist for whatever it is. But if she hates it? She definitely hates it then and she’s not afraid to let you know how much she despises it. You can leave comments trying to defend it if you are a fan of it but it doesn’t really matter because she’s made up her mind and it’s not going to change.

Part of me wishes that I could be like that. To say whatever I wanted to without regard to anything. To be the type of person where it doesn’t matter if it leaves an online trail back to me. To not care if I offend other people for disliking something they like.

Everyone knows the things that I love because I enjoy talking about them. Really, at this point if you have no idea that I like The Beatles, Hawkeye, books, or getting free things, then obviously this must be your first day on this blog or you just met me today. Talking about the things I love is easy because even if someone dislikes what I like, I’m confident enough in my likes that it doesn’t matter what someone else says and they can’t really dissuade me from my interests, (unless it’s an extreme case where my life is in jeopardy but that’ll be pretty rare).

But when it comes to things I don’t like? I’ve talked about before how it feels sometimes like some people are just VERY LOUD in their opinions and I just don’t say anything because I know they won’t hear me. And when they do this about stuff they don’t like, I’m sometimes not sure if it’s to see if anyone will agree with them, to try to convert people, or just to try to be different to get attention. If I ever do it, it’s usually for the first one, mainly to see that I’m not alone in how I feel. But I really don’t want to do the other two. I honestly try to figure out first why don’t I like this certain thing when it seems like everyone else does.

For example I do a “Fandoms I just don’t get” feature every now and then on this blog. In it, I write about popular trends I just can’t get into. But it’s not because I think they are stupid and I am condemning them instantly. I’ve usually tried to get into and do research before I give up on it completely. Plus I never make fun of or diss anyone who does enjoy them.

People who are brave enough to publicly diss things and people are just that….brave. I think I’d rather personally talk about my dislikes vs blast them out in a public forum where proper arguments can’t really be made.

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Trust and Consequences

I was reading some old journal entries the other day (which I won’t be using excerpts because…well, I’m lazy and don’t feel like transcribing at the moment) and I noticed that something that came up A LOT was that when it comes to any sort of relationship in life, the number one thing I look for is honesty and being able to trust someone.

Due to past circumstances, I need that to be solid in our friendship. If I feel that you’re not being honest, it’s not going to go well with us. No we don’t have to tell each other EVERY SINGLE secret ever. But at the same time, if there is something important going on in your life, if we’re truly friends why aren’t you telling me about it?

Even if at one point, I told you not to tell me about that very thing, you should. Thank you for respecting my request, but at the same time is it really fair to sacrifice your own happiness? No because we’re adults or at least we should be. And I honestly would never want any one I consider to be one of my closest friends to feel like they have to hide things from me that make them happy. Because eventually it’ll come out and then the person will wonder why you felt like you couldn’t tell them. Don’t hide your happy relationship from a single friend. Don’t hide being pregnant from someone who can’t have kids. Don’t hide your new job from someone who is unemployed. Honestly (heh), if your friend truly wants you to be miserable just like them, then they aren’t really your friend.

It’s one thing to be vague and avoid saying direct answers with people you don’t know very well. They’ll never know and most likely will never care that you didn’t tell them the truth. But when you do that with someone who does know you very well and trusts you…well you just can’t.

Trust is something that is so important to me. If I can’t trust you, I can’t have any sort of relationship with you. I try not to be a very suspicious person but trust is something that I don’t give away very easily. And when I do trust you, I basically trust you with my life. When you’ve reached that level and you break that trust? There’s no going back. It’s over.

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It’s Just Another Day

Another Valentine’s Day came and went and I MADE IT.

It’s kind of a running joke that I rarely actually celebrate Valentine’s Day and instead acknowledge that February 14 is Ferris Wheel Day instead. I’ve been doing this since freshman year in college when I first learned about it.

But it’s not that I’m bitter about the day. I’m happy for all my friends who are in relationships and are able to be with someone they love. I don’t personally see that day as “Singles Awareness Day” either which I think is a pretty dumb idea to be honest. Because I’m fully aware every day that I’m single and I’m not going to let one day make it more so than normal. “Oh gosh no one gave me a bunch of flowers and chocolates so that I could post about it on Facebook and make everyone jealous.”

Valentine’s Day back in school was kinda meh. I mean you bought the store bought ones with the cartoon characters to pass out to people. The cool kids passed out the really popular trendy valentines and you didn’t want to be the kid passing out the lame generic ones. And if you had a crush on someone, you always made sure to send them the nicest valentine as you hope they get the message that you liked them. Our elementary school had mailboxes set up where you could send valentines to people in other classes. In fourth grade, I sent one to a 5th grade guy that I liked. Nothing ever came of it but I knew he had gotten it. It was more of a “I need to let you know how I feel and then I can move on” type of moment for me back then. I highly doubt he even remembers it.

Valentine’s Day in high school was mostly meh. You could buy roses from SCA to send to your sig other or you could sign the True Love Waits pledge. Girls would walk around with their flowers and teddy bears. My senior year of high school I was the president of our Christian club and I decided to do something with all the dues we had been collecting through the years. We had quite a ton of money that had just been sitting there. It was decided that we would buy carnations and then give them out for free. Students could order flowers in advance, choose a message to attach to the flower, and then we’d deliver them throughout the school for no charge. We accepted donations so we could give to the local food bank but other wise this was our way of showing love to the student body. One hiccup, we were told by the principal that we weren’t allowed to put Bible verses on the messages and instead use inspirational saying. We just wrote out the verses without putting their scripture reference on them (SNEAKY). It was a big success and actually one of the best things I ever did in high school. It was a great feeling to give to others and expecting nothing in return. People kept asking why were doing it for free and what the catch was because they couldn’t believe it. Granted carnations aren’t as nice as the roses the SCA was selling but everyone really seemed to enjoy them. I did send a carnation to a guy I was sort of interested in and he rewarded me with a dance at prom but that went nowhere and again I highly doubt he remembers all that.

This year again, I wanted do give back and not just sit around and mope all day on Valentine’s Day. So I offered to babysit for my friends so they could have a night out. I didn’t want money or anything. It wasn’t as if I was going to get a date on Valentine’s Day night at the last minute because this is the reaction you’ll get:

It was a good idea. My friends had a great night out and I had an excellent time with their adorable baby. I mean seriously I had the cutest date for Valentine’s Day. Also The Avengers was on TV that night too so I got to spend it with Hawkeye.

Maybe because I’m getting older and life has happened a lot but the past few years aren’t as bad as they used to be. This is not to say that I don’t want to spend a Valentine’s Day with someone because….well…. I do. And I also want to spend the whole year with them as well. So I’m hoping the year will come when I can. Until then:

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Inspiration from my Biblical emo boy

Like I said last week, I’ve been doing pretty good. Other than the stoplight incident, I’ve actually been at peace for a while. It’s a little unsettling because I feel like something is going to come at me when I’m not expecting it. It almost makes me feel like I shouldn’t be completely relaxed and need to put my guard up. But I’m not going to sit around and be paranoid all the time. Because it is nice to be at emotional peace and not feel so stressed out all the time.

This may seem familiar to some of you as I wrote this as my Facebook status a few weeks ago but it’s something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit.

I feel like Psalm 13 is an accurate representation of my relationship with God. I love David because he is my emo boy, who feels everything I feel. I can see him getting all loud and frustrated in the first 2/3 of this Psalm, shaking his fists and wanting to punch walls, yelling and crying. Then he sighs, wipes his eyes, blows his nose, and calms down. Because he remembers…it may suck now but because he knows he can trust in God that whatever happens, it will be ok.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.


Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

[Pause]

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.


I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

I really enjoy reading the Psalms because the entire book is so full of emotion. I don’t know how the stereotype of Christianity became one where we’re supposed to know everything and never doubt, question, or have feelings. It doesn’t make us weak or any less in our faith when we get like this. I mean clearly if you read this book, everything is right there with most of them written by David, a man after God’s own heart.

When I read Psalm 13, the first part is when I’m angry and very frustrated with God because it HURTS. Why is He allowing the hurt? Why is just letting everything bad happen to me and everyone else gets to experience all the good things? It’s not me wanting to sound selfish or jealous. It’s crying out from a place of pain. Sure what I go through may not be as bad as what other people do but it’s my suffering and it’s what’s making me feel an emotional breakdown. And comfort from God feels so far away at that point.

Sure David may sound a bit melodramatic and I could see him having to resist the urge to pour out his feeling all over social media. But honestly, even if you keep it completely internal and never say a word to anyone about this, I have a feeling many people can relate to the emotions that happen during this Psalm.

The last few lines, where there’s a sudden shift in the mood, that is where hope and trust comes in. Because you know that it’s going to be ok. That even though it really sucks right now, everything is under control. And for me, right now as I feel like I’m currently ok, it’s a weird moment because I know when I’m in those horrible situations, peace like this seems impossible and so far away. Yet here it is.

Let’s just hope I can remember this when those days come.