Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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Closing a 21 year chapter in my life

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When I was in fourth grade, I was loaned a book from a friend.  This was nothing new. As a voracious reader, I borrowed books from my friends all the time.  The book given to me was a new author and it was the third book in the series.  Even back then I was a big stickler of reading things in order but as I had no access to the other books at the time, I gave in.  That book was Reluctantly Alice by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor and it introduced me to the world of Alice McKinley which I never left after that. Twenty one years later, I find myself three weeks away awaiting the publication of the last book in the series, Now I’ll Tell You Everything.

This is the longest series I have ever read in my life. The series actually started with the first book, The Agony of Alice, in 1985. I joined the fan club in 1992.  For the past 21 years, I have eagerly awaited the release of an Alice book.  I have literally grown up with her.  As Alice has grown from a 3rd grade to her senior year of high school, I’ve followed her every step of the way.  One time because I couldn’t afford to buy the book and the library didn’t own it, I would spent a month going into the bookstore every week to read a few chapters of Patiently Alice.  I’ve reread the series several times over the course of those 21 years but just this year, with the release of the last book, I decided one more time to reread the entire series.  That meant reading 27 books, which I did from the end of June until just this past week.  So many memories came rushing back as I read all the books.  Literally my life from age 9 to age 30 came back as I read.  A list of all the books can be found here.

Even though I grew older than Alice, I still felt like I could relate to her. I still remember all those awkward moments of growing up, going through puberty, reliving high school, and of course relationships with guys.  Even with this last reread of the entire series,  there were times when I would put the book down because I couldn’t believe that a 16-year-old girl was experiencing the same things as a 30-year-old.  To this day, when Alice experiences heartbreak, it still makes me simultaneously ache as well. One thing I love is that the books are set in Montgomery County, Maryland which is right near me! Growing up as I didn’t live in the area, most of the places meant nothing to me.  But now as an adult, as I live close by, it was awesome to recognize street names, buildings, and other locations.  I did get really excited when Alice was considering going to my alma mater, George Mason University, but alas it was not meant to be.

I feel a bit baffled though, that even though this series is very popular (I mean if it’s still going strong after 28 years, someone must be buying them right?), I actually haven’t found that many other fans of the books in real life or while I was book blogging. So therefore these books have been my secret for the past 21 years.  I haven’t really been able to share my love of them or basically be able to geek out with anyone about them.  Interestingly though, these books are always on the Banned/Challenged books list from school libraries because of their talk about sex.  Honestly, what’s in these books is what kids/teens talk about in schools, so it’s not like it’s creating new ideas for them and it’s actually quite tame compared to what actually goes on in real life.

Yes I’m sad to see the series end.  I feel like a chapter in my life is now finally closed and I have nothing to look forward to regarding these books anymore.  I do hope though that one day, I’ll have a daughter that I can introduce these books to.  And it’ll be fun to be able to reread and reminisce with her.  I’m so grateful to the author for creating this wonderful series and allowing me to be able to spend my childhood, adolescence and young adult years with a character and her world that I dearly love.  Alice McKinley will always be a part of me.

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The Day I Discovered I Wasn’t an Introvert

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For years, I thought I was an introvert.  I hate being in crowds because I’m not good at initiating conversation.  I wait for people to do it first and if they don’t, well, then I’m just the person standing in the corner looking awkward and waiting for everything to be over.  I thought I’d be happy in my career doing a job where I am hiding away in the stacks, working on researching on my own, and not having to worry about human interaction.  I thought it was going to be bliss, never having to deal with people, and not worrying about having to make up small talk.

And then it happened.  I finally got a job where I was completely alone for 5 months with no human contact all day.  I only saw my supervisor when he needed me which was once every three weeks and I also had no internet.  If I didn’t go out for lunch, I would not see a single human being all day.  Then at nights, I’d crave human interaction but most of my friends, having been around people all day, wanted to enjoy their quiet time and decompress.  So I’d go for 5 days and nights without seeing a single human and barely have any connection all day.

I started to go crazy and feeling depressed.  The loneliness began to feel like I was trapped in a box.  It felt like every time I wanted to hang out with someone, no one wanted to.  Even worse because many of my friends are married or dating and therefore it felt like they already have built in companions all the time, meanwhile  I’m sitting here all alone, feeling frustrated, and having a pity party.  It was like hitting a road block.

Then I realized I’m not actually an introvert.  I’m an extrovert.  I recharge and gain energy by being around other people.  However, I’m a shy extrovert.  I’m not good at initiating and I don’t need to be the center of attention at all.  But that’s how I recharge.  Just being around other people, even if all we do is just sit around and watch TV and not even talk, that gives me so much energy.  It’s also makes sense seeing as my main love language is quality time.  Basically this is mostly me.

Anyways, once I discovered this, it changed my outlook on a lot of things.  If I want to feel better, I have to go out and initiate instead of waiting for people to come around.  There are times when I do need to be by myself and that’s perfectly fine when I have alone down time.  Though I will admit there are times when I can’t get a hold of any of my friends and I’m forced to stay at home by myself.  And those nights are torture, usually ending with me falling to sleep really early so I can just get the night over with.

But at the same time, I’m learning it’s perfectly fine for me to go ahead and ask people first.  Just because I have to initiate doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because no one wants to be around me.  Believe me, when I say this is a hard thing for me to do. To go out of my comfort zone and not wait around for others.  It’s a learning process.  And it’s a new thing about myself that I’m trying to process and adapt to.  Small steps.  Small steps.

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Sidewalks are not big enough for three people

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As a single 30 year old, I have a lot of friends that are dating, engaged, or married.  I find myself a lot of times being the odd numbered person in the group or at the very least the third wheel.  Now as long as THEY don’t have a problem with it, I have no qualms at all with hanging out with couples.  While I know that it can be fun to hang out with other couples, it can also be quite fun to hang out with just a single friend as well.  With almost all the couples I hang out with, I’m good friends with both the guy and the girl so it’s not like I’m favoring one over the other.  And I’ve found that I can learn a lot from them.  I’ve seen what a good marriage/relationship looks like, I’ve learned that just because you have a significant other doesn’t mean all your problems are solved, and also that it is possible (for me at least) to know that there ARE good guys out there and what traits I should look for.

However there are times when I worry “Oh gosh, have I become the token single friend?” I was reading a book the other day and the main character was the younger sister of the guy in a couple and she had been invited over for dinner.  It was after the meal and they were hanging out when this thought came to her mind: “The problem with being a guest of a couple is you never know just how long you’re supposed to stay.”  And I was like, that is so true!

I’m fine throughout the main part of the night.  It’s always after the fact, when there’s a lull in the conversation when I start thinking, should I leave? Should I ask them to ask me to leave? Do they want me to stay? Are they waiting for me to leave? Are they regretting asking me over in the first place? Before you ask, yes I worry about things like this and with almost every situation I go through billions of questions run through my head.

Then as my trusty friend (who is also the husband in their relationship) pointed out, it could be worse.

If the day ever comes when this has to happen to me, I have failed.  To all my dear couple friends, don’t let me fail.

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Fantastic! Allons-y! Geronimo!

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1175475_10151676307443505_1584274408_nIn my never ending quest to make myself more knowledgeable of geek pop culture, I knew I was feeling left out when it seemed everyone around me was talking about Doctor Who and I didn’t know what they were talking about.  And let me be the first to say, I hate feeling left out. I mean to me, David Tennant was a very bad Barty Crouch Jr. (not his fault, the character was destroyed in the movie), Tom Baker had always been Puddlegum from the BBC version of The Silver Chair, and Christopher Eccleston was just the serious guy in all the British movies.  I actually had no idea they were part of the Doctor Who universe.

And then one night, while hanging out with a friends during a movie tonight, a certain @theharmonyguy decided that showing the episode “Blink” would be good, clean fun and nice short way to introduce a bunch of us to the series.  Little did he realize that (or didn’t think actually) that even though it’s a great episode to show non-Whovians, IT IS THE #@&*!! SCARIEST THING EVER. Seriously, after watching that episode (which I highly recommend even if you don’t watch the show) I was freaked out by statues for weeks.  Even over a year after watching that episode AND being sucked into the show, it still scares me! (Note to future self: do not watch it late at night)

But it accomplished his purpose, now I was intrigued.  I started watching the revived series since it was on Netflix (bless you Netflix) and my first doctor was the Ninth Doctor.  And you never forget your first Doctor.  Oh Christopher Eccleston, I had no idea you could smile and laugh without looking sadistic or crazy.  I’m currently in the beginning the sixth series (Matt Smith-era) and the goal is to be all caught up before the 50th anniversary special.  This will hopefully be accomplished if 1) Netflix adds series 7 to streaming, 2) Amazon Prime adds series 7 part 2 to their streaming, 3) the library gets the DVDs of series 7 in before that date.  Let me also say that watching an episode of this between episode of Breaking Bad is the best way to watch both series. The perfect balance of heaviness with something more lighter.

I’ll go into more detail in future on certain aspects of Doctor Who that I enjoyed or didn’t enjoy but for some quick takes on what I think so far:

  • Martha is my favorite companion, followed by Donna.  Rose just annoyed me after a while.  Still not quite sure how I feel about Amy yet.
  • Totally could understand how Martha felt. What she says when she leaves the Doctor, I was like “OMG THAT IS ME.”
  • I really like it when they bring back stuff from the classic Doctor Who era.
  • I cheered when Peter Capaldi showed up in “The Fires of Pompeii” episode (THE TENTH DOCTOR JUST SAVED THE TWELFTH DOCTOR!!”
  • How many times is Rory going to die and come back to life?
  • Also, I totally swooned when Rory waited 2000 years for Amy. I WANT A RORY.
  • River Song’s story is interesting and I haven’t even really scratched the surface with it yet.
  • Time travel is confusing.  Then again it’s all a bunch of “wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff”.
  • I’m still not sure how I feel about Matt Smith.
  • David Tennant’s departure made me sob like a baby. And yes I know how certain people feel about it.
  • Jack Harkness totally looks like a younger Tom Cruise.  Oh and fun fact: when I went to DragonCon last year, while I was standing in line to meet Billy Boyd, John Barrowman was signing behind us and we turned around and next thing we know, he’s standing on top of the table, pulling his pants down and showing off his briefs.  He turns around and looks at us, and we’re both like WTF.  Though now, it totally makes complete sense.
  • The show is just fun.  It’s honestly one of the more fun shows I’ve watched in a while.

So, if you are a fellow Whovian, who’s your favorite Doctor? Who was your first Doctor? Favorite Companion? Favorite Monster?  Or do you just want to talk about the show? Because I am totally willing to do so with you.

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Struggling Alone? You Shouldn’t

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I don’t know about you but it’s hard sometimes for me to go to people when I’m struggling with something.  I have the problem of belittling my own problems and comparing them to other people’s problems.  Long term illness, deaths, money issues, stress at work, and the like always feel like they trump over emotional issues of the heart.  I still find it difficult sometimes to be open with even my closest friends with what I’m feeling because I don’t want to bother them with what I’m going through.  They have problems of their own so why should I add more to their pile with my own issues?  Even when someone gives me an open ended invitation to always come to them when I’m going through my struggles, I tend not to because I’m afraid of being dismissed. “You think you’re going through something rough? You don’t know what rough is.”

That shouldn’t be the case at all. People shouldn’t have to go through life struggles on their own.  True, recovering from a broken heart may seem petty compared to a friend who is going through cancer, but life is not an ongoing game of comparing. I really like this blog post because it put things into perspective for me: “Why Comparing Our Struggles is a Losing Game“.

A close friend passed along this advice to remember whenever I feel like I shouldn’t share what I was going through:

“What you are going through is hard for YOU and God has you in a hard place right now, and yes I’m going through hard stuff and it’s hard for ME, and just cause my hardship might seem more serious does not mean you need to minimize the struggle that you are currently going through now…. It’s okay that what you are going through is hard for you…”

There, of course, may be some people who you can’t share things with.  They may be in a different stage of life, a different season, or have the wrong timing where they cannot relate and may not be the best person to share things with.  And that’s ok. It’s about finding balance.  That being said, if someone who you are close friends with comes to you with a struggle of their own, even if you are going through worse, listen to them. They’ve come to you for a reason. Take the time and spend with them. While you don’t want to encourage them to stay in the struggle forever, but just being there for them will do wonders. When they come to you, because sometimes it’s going to be hard to finally do that, even if all you do is just sit and listen will mean all the world to them.

To know you’re not alone and you don’t have to go through it alone is such a wonderful feeling.  Knowing that you have friends who will be with you while you are hurting, who are willing to hold you while you are crying and even encourage you to do so, who will call you out when you’re acting like everything’s ok (but really it isn’t), who will pray for you through the struggles even when you don’t ask them to, who let you experience the process of loss and ache by just being there with you and not think you are stupid for feeling this way…..these are just some of the things you experience when you finally realize you can’t handle it alone and you let someone you trust know your pain. Don’t go through things alone if you don’t have to.

Do you find it easy to talk to others when you are struggling? Do you try to do it alone?  What holds you back from going to someone with your struggles?

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Planning. Confirming. Prioritizing.

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I like planning.  I like knowing things in advance.  Truth: I like spoilers.

I want to know what’s going to happen and I want to plan in advance.  I’m not really good at open-ended plans.  I need to know, do I need to prepare? How should I prepare? Should I eat dinner in advance? What time do I need to leave to get to the destination?  Should I plan out a block of my time for you?  Basically in my mind, when I plan something, it’s because I am setting aside a block of time for the other person/s because I am showing that they are important and I want to spend time with them without other distractions.

Don’t get me wrong. I can do spur of the moment.  I’m fine with that.  I like doing unexpected things. Surprises that catch you off guard are fun. But it’s when I want to plan something with someone and I get a noncommittal open-ended response that makes me feel like I have no idea what to do. And I don’t want to keep on nagging for a response.  RSVPs drive me INSANE this way.  I invited you because I thought you were important and I wanted you to be there.  If you can’t make it, that’s perfectly fine.  But the non-response drives me nuts because I don’t know whether to plan for you to be there.

Yes, I know we live in a society where everyone is busy and often schedules change so much that we don’t know what tonight will look like much less 3 weeks in advance.  Things happen that cause plans to change.  I get that.   I think the sticking point for me is, priorities.  When you set something as a priority and see something as important, you will do everything you can to make it happen.  And sometimes when I see people being noncommittal with me, it makes me feel like I am not important, especially when I know they will put something or someone else as a high priority.

Are you ok with people who make non-committal plans with you?  How do you deal when you see someone as a priority but then find out that they don’t view you in the same way?  Are you good with confirming?

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Addictive Watching – My Quick Thoughts on Breaking Bad

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Blue meth candy (aka homemade pop rock candy) I received for my birthday!

On Tuesday, I finally caught up with the current episode of Breaking Bad. I started watching the show on Netflix on August 8.  I finished on September 10.  Yep, that’s right. It took me 32 days to watch the entire series.  I don’t really make a habit of binge watching TV shows especially not TV dramas.  I did it once with How I Met Your Mother, again over the course of a month, but that seems easier because it’s a comedy.  With dramas, it tends to be harder since they are longer and the subject matter is so serious.  I had to sandwich episodes of Doctor Who in between episodes of Breaking Bad to lighten up the mood.  I mean there’s only so much heaviness one can take in a day.

I started watching the show mainly because the majority of my guy friends watch it and rave about it and all seemed pretty shocked that I wasn’t already watching it.  To be honest, I never really knew much about the show until probably last year. When it first came on, I wasn’t really watching many shows on cable and at the time I was only really hooked on Lost. Plus Bryan Cranston was just Malcom’s dad to me so him in anything else just seemed weird.  But as the show grew in popularity and, like I said my guy friends were all into it, I figured what the hey, it’s on Netflix, I’ll give it a shot.

I plan on breaking down certain aspects of the show later on but from what I’ve seen here were my brief overall thoughts on it. If you follow me on Twitter (@beatccr) , you had the privilege of reading my thoughts as I live tweeted episodes so some of these might seem a bit familiar.

  • I don’t like Walt.
  • I hope Walt dies by the end of series.
  • I don’t hate Skyler.
  • I don’t agree with everything she has done, I don’t like how her character seems like a roadblock for the writers, but I don’t hate her.
  • I like Walter Jr. and I feel sorry for him.
  • Marie has grown on me.
  • I don’t understand why Gomez is still only a supporting character even though he has been on the show every season in a ton of episodes
  • I would watch a whole show just with Jesse, Badger and Skinny Pete
  • I want to hug Jesse
  • I got really annoyed at Walt cutting off the crusts of his sandwich because not only did he waste a lot of bread, but he also wasted the spread inside (and yes I know the reasoning behind him cutting it).
  • Walt’s briefs annoy me
  • I had such a craving for fried chicken watching this show
  • I would approve a spinoff for Saul’s character
  • I cringed when the Dodge Challenger got destroyed
  • NA Meetings don’t really happen like how they are portrayed on the show
  • Geeked out that the NA leader killed his daughter in Portsmouth (yay for hometown shoutouts!)
  • So many people on the show had no emotion whatsoever.  It doesn’t hurt to smile sometimes.
  • Drugs are bad, yo.  Don’t forget that, BITCH.

Jimmy Fallon does the BEST parodies of shows I love and he just released this one for Breaking Bad. I nearly busted a gut laughing because of all the in jokes.  Plus I was excited because I got everything!

Are you addicted to the show as well? Who’s your favorite character? What do you think will happen at the end of the show?

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Why God is Like Your GPS

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One night I was on my way to a meeting and to avoid traffic I went another route instead of the way I normally take. I thought I knew exactly where I was going and therefore just kept driving towards my destination.

I took the exit of where I thought the building was but it turned out to be the wrong exit.  So I backtracked and took another exit which should have eventually took me to the main road that lead to the building.  Well, somehow I completely missed it again and found myself back on the interstate.  This made me think, “Ok, I guess I was not meant to do this today.”

As I’m driving away, I start thinking maybe God was just telling me “no matter how hard you try and how many turns you take, you’re not going to reach that destination – that you’re not meant to go down that road.” I started to feel really bummed.

Then I remembered something.  While I was driving aimlessly my mind flickered to my GPS and I very briefly thought about using it but I rejected it because I thought I could handle it on my own and find it myself.  Obviously that did not work at all.

And that’s when I realized that God is like your GPS.  He has given you directions and tools to get you to your destination.  But all too often we reject them thinking we can do it on our own because we know better, only to find out we don’t and fail miserably.  We wish that we had just turned to him in the first place or at least we remembered him.  God’s given us the directions and tools to us, either through speaking directly to us, through scripture, and through the wisdom and guidance of others.  When we reject all those, it’s no wonder we get lost.

Specifically for me, I feel like God was telling me this:  “Look at the instructions and directions I have given you.  Ignore me and do it on your own and this is where you’ll end up. ”  There’s something I know that God wants me to do and if I ignore it and strike out on my own, I will end up in the completely wrong direction.  Use the tools he’s provided, listen to the directions, and don’t ignore them.  And then you’ll never get lost.

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Officially now a member of the 3-0 club.

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I swear this blog is not going to constantly me talking about being thirty.  Otherwise this blog would have been named “A Girl Who Is 30”. And since it is not, I will not be doing this on a normal basis.  However as last week WAS my birthday and since this was a milestone birthday, I will indulge myself one more time talking about it.

I’ve entered the 3-0 club, Like I’ve been telling everyone who’s asked me “How does it feel to be 30?”, I still feel the same, though that might change when I hit 31.  Anywho, since it was the big 3-0, I had two birthday celebrations with my friends.  On my actual birthday, my closest friends and I went to an Italian restaurant where we had delish Italian food and a very entertaining birthday song thanks to our waiter.

Then last night we had the big party and celebrated with an 80s theme.  That meant folks came decked out in fluorescent colors, leg warmers, fingerless gloves, bangles, and slap bracelets.  We had the preppy look, Magnum PI, Marty McFly, Miami Vice, The Karate Kid, and Top Gun going…and that was just the guys! It was a blast.  We played Twister, socialized, danced to 80s music, sat around the fire pit while wearing our “Sunglasses at Night”.  My friends also clearly know I’m a geek based on the presents I got (Star Wars, Hawkeye, Doctor Who, Batman, Breaking Bad). I wonder where they got that idea from.

I think the best part for me the past week is that I realized how much my friends care about me.  There are times when I feel completely alone and it’s the most awful feeling in the world, but I know it’s not true; I know that it’s all a deception.  I clearly saw how much people wanted to be there for me.  From where I was a few years ago, this is a complete turnaround.  And realizing THAT was the best birthday present I could ever have.

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What’s been on my small screen lately…

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When it comes to TV shows, I am quite picky about what I watch.  Gone are the days when I used to just turn on the TV and start watching anything.  I don’t even really like channel surfing anymore.  To be quite honest, unless I have a specific show on that I really want to watch, I don’t watch that much TV anymore.

I can get nostalgic when I think of the days of turning in every Tuesday night for Full House or Home Improvement or Friday nights for whatever came on TGIF.  Also gone are the days of religiously watching Lost, the best show ever to come on TV IMHO (and yes, I DID enjoy season six AND the series finale).  I find myself gravitating more towards books and movies than I do TV.

That being said, there are several shows that I still consider a must watch.  Sunday nights have now become my go to must watch night.  Unfortunately for current me,  Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Downton Abbey are all not currently on at the moment.  But when they are, HELLO 9 pm Sunday night viewings!  I also have found a love for discovering new to me shows on Netflix which allows me to have hours of binge watching in my attempts to catch up before the new season or series finales come up.  These have included How I Met Your Mother, Sherlock, Breaking Bad, and Doctor Who.  I may or may not have been known to catch up on the entire series in a month’s viewing (cough, cough).

There will be posts in the future where I’ll spend time talking about certain shows, characters, my thoughts on plots, etc.  I’ve found that I’m gravitating towards a lot of geek culture shows and it’s really been awesome finding those fans who are loving it as much as I do.  It’s also been awesome (at least for me) to discover that as I’ve gotten older and figuring out myself more, exactly what type of shows I’m gravitating towards vs. what I used to watch in the past.

What TV shows have you been hooked on watching lately?  What other shows should I try binge watching?