Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

6

It comes in pints?!

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Disclaimer: I am neither a beer critic or a heavy drinker. I am simply a beer fan.

Alcohol was never considered the devil’s drink in my house growing up but my parents didn’t drink. Due to my own personal religious convictions in high school, I had no desire to drink and may or may not have judged people my age who did back then. I went to college and actually resisted for a few months. Then because of a boy, I had my first two drinks, a Diet 7-Up mixed with gin and a Diet Sunkist mixed with rum.  After that, my next move would be to start trying out beer.

My first beer sadly was a Natural Light. I remember thinking how god-awful it tasted. My friend and I would alternate eating chips between sips. And so began a few years of drinking cheap beer because, well when you’re underage and can’t buy your own beer, beggars can’t be choosers. I went through a stage where I actually proclaimed that drinking 40s of Miller High Life was my favorite beer. All I knew of beer during those years was Coronas, Bud Lights, and the like. Drinking was mainly done not with the purpose of actually enjoying the taste of the beer. Ironically, a month before I turned 21 I stopped drinking. Yep, right before I was legal enough to actually buy beer, I decided to quit completely. For the next 7 years I was sober and became everyone’s designated driver.

Then I got older and I decided I wanted to get back into the tasting alcohol again but this time I wanted to do it right. I didn’t want to drink to get drunk, make myself pass out, or get sick. I knew that I did not want to drink any of that crap I used to drink again. My memories of beer was tasting something that akin to drinking cold/warm piss/vomit. And yet I knew that there must be good beer out there. Surely people did not spend all that money drinking stuff that tasted horrible.

My first beer to get me started again was a Blue Moon. Now I know what all you beer snobs and enthusiasts think about that. But I found it delicious and refreshing. I was like “Wow! This is actually good! I like this!” So since then, I’ve been trying to discover new beers. I now know what I like (mostly wheat beers) and I’ve basically learned that if I just tell the bartender or whoever that I like Blue Moon and can you recommend me something like that, usually I can find a new beer that I like. Other than Blue Moons, I mostly drink craft beers and have found almost all of them extremely tasty and delicious. It’s fun trying out new beers, and I’m getting better at finishing a whole entire pint without passing out now!

The biggest thing I’m learning is that beer is so much better when you enjoy the taste. I don’t drink to get drunk. It’s more about enjoying the flavor of the beer. I have had tastes of beer that I don’t like. Apparently I’m not a big IPA fan and I tend to stay away from darker beers. I haven’t had a mainstream beer since I started redrinking. To me those beers were mainly chugged fast, because they tasted so awful and thus one gets drunk faster.  Whereas now, I savor my beer. I don’t nurse the thing though. I do also like cocktails as well though I am not a wine drinker at all. (But those are topics for another day)

My only problem with any sort of drinking is that I get that dreaded Asian glow where I turn bright red and I get really warm after drinking just a bit. It’s only annoying because you can definitely tell what I’ve been doing. But I’ve gotten used it and it’s now just a running joke. Just if you ever go drinking with me, expect to see a bright red face after just a few sips.

So what do I want from you, dear readers? Recommend me some good beers! To start you off, I like Blue Moon. Pretend to be a bartender and go from there! I’m counting on you! Also if you’re on Untappd, feel free to friend me @beatccr. Sadly I only just started using the app so I don’t have too many beers up yet but SOON.

2

Game Night!

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What a typical game night with my friends and I looks like…

Another thing I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten older is the ever popular question of what to do at nights when you want to hang out with your friends but you don’t want to actually go out? The answer is then “Game Night!”

Back in the day, playing board games was seen as uncool because only adults or non cool people did it. Nowadays it’s become quite popular with folks my age to gather a group of people over and do some tabletop gaming.

Now there’s a difference between tabletop gaming and your classic board/party gaming. I have had game nights where we’ve had a rousing game of Pictionary that involved the white board being thrown off the easel, a lot of shouting (IT’S THAT THING!!! YOU KNOW??! THAT THING!! IT’S A TINY WORLD!!! *baffled looks from everyone*), and surprising amount of sweat.  Now while games like Monopoly or Scrabble (hmm, it’s a been a while with that one for me) can be fun, I’ve grown to prefer playing new types of games.

There’s your new types of party games such as Apples to Apples and Quelf.  Though I prefer playing The Big Bang Theory Party game, which really doesn’t have much to do with the show, and is basically a raunchier (but not Cards Against Humanity type level) version of Apples to Apples. Make sure you play the game with people who don’t get easily offended and can tolerate dirty humor. Quelf is a silly but fun game. I prefer playing in a larger group because if you play with just a few people, it goes by really fast. Another fun party game is called Funglish. It’s a word guessing games with tiles. Play this game with me and my friends and it will involve massive amounts of giggling and extreme moments of panicking (I’M SO STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW!!! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS!!!).

Mainly though the games I’ve been playing lately are either deck card games or tabletop games. I will most likely go into more dedicated detailed posts later on, since there are so many that I like.  So here are a list of these two types of games that I’ve been introduced to and enjoy playing over the past few months.

Hmm there are more but their names are escaping me at the moment. And before you ask, I do not play Magic or D&D. Simply because I have not yet had the time (or money) to really invest into playing either.

I’m lucky because I live in an area with several good comic book/gaming stores that keep in stock a nice supply of different tabletop games that you normally can’t find in typical stores. They are a bit pricey though, so it’s also been awesome that I have several friends who are also into gaming so I can usually count on at least one person to get the game and then we all play. Playing these games can be challenging. They usually include instructions that read like a novel. If you want something fast, quick, and easy don’t play with us.  I also am lucky that I have a good group of friends who do enjoy this past time as well. Hence why they are my friends.

Two excellent sources for more information on tabletop gaming and the like:

Tabletop – a show hosted by actor Wil Wheaton that includes many of the games from my list played by him and his celebrity friends

BoardgameGeek – a huge database of everything gaming with news, reviews, and forums

What are some of your favorite tabletop games? Any ones you can recommend?

3

Finding Peace (aka I can breathe normal again)

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So a few weeks ago I wrote a post on trusting God when things seem impossible. I’ve been encouraged by the feedback I’ve gotten for it. It’s been really good to hear other people share their experiences with me.

In the past few weeks my church did a series entitled The Missing Peace. The series dealt with what is the concept of peace, how to find peace, and being peacemakers. The congregation was also encouraged to send questions via email about these topics. I didn’t submit a question, mainly because I wasn’t quite sure exactly how to phrase what I wanted to ask about knowing when to give up vs when to keep praying and trusting in terms of finding peace; also I was slightly terrified they would use names when asking the question and I didn’t want to risk that. (I know, I have no problems saying this on my blog which is PUBLIC but God forbid people in my church found out! Yes I see the ridiculousness in that as well. I encourage you to laugh at/with me.)

Thanks to the messages in the series and discussion with my small group afterwards, I decided to have a good long talk with God about my life and things I’ve been struggling with.  And after I was done, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a peace about things in my life. It’s been a while (or perhaps even never) that I’ve had the sense of peace that’s come over me.

I still have NO IDEA what’s going to happen in my life. I am still going to feel anxious and worry at times. That’s normal and natural. If I didn’t feel like that, then I’m not a human. Struggles WILL happen. But the thing is, this time I feel that God’s given me a sense of direction of what he wants me to do in my life right now. And he’s telling me “You’ve done everything you can. Now give it over me and trust me.” And for the first time ever in this area of my life, I’m finally relinquishing that control and I’m letting him take over.

When I did that, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of me. I can’t begin to tell you what a difference that’s made in my life since doing that. Honestly the simple act of giving over my worries and anxieties over to God has made me feel so much lighter and less stressed. I’ve had several friends remark on how I seem a lot better, not stressed out as much, and seem calm compared to where I was a few months ago. What normally would be an antagonizing and emotional time for me, where I withdraw and become angst filled, has instead been a time where I am feeling relatively motivated, happy, and overall peace filled.

God’s been showing me more since I asked him to (doors have been shut and sealed, while others still remain open). Even simple little prayer requests that would have seemed very trivial beforehand, I’m now asking God and they are getting answered. And then I’m seeing him working in other areas, some I didn’t even consider and now I realize it’s all happened because of Him. Just more reassurances of what happens when you trust in Him.

It’s funny how certain parts of our lives we can trust God completely and know that he will take care and provide for us without a doubt.  Then there are other parts where we fight and wrestle for control with God because we don’t trust him enough to fulfill and meet those areas of our lives. Even though the obvious answer is that of course God will meet all our needs, it’s just in his time and not ours. Part of our responsibility is to just let go and let him take over. And once you reach that point, it honestly becomes so much better.

When you learn to surrender & let go rather than cling & control..everything falls into place as it should. – The Single Woman

Just an addendum: I’m not going to sugarcoat things and tell you this was an easy choice for me. It’s hard. It may seem like the obvious thing to do, but you have to make the choice to get to this decision and it can take a long time before you realize what you need to do. Just keep praying and trusting and stay strong in your faith. And it’s ok when you have down days and feel like you don’t understand things. You are normal. Take heart.

  • “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” (Psalm 25:4-7)
5

Dancing at Weddings = Awkward Times

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Random people dancing up a storm (Photo credit: phandcp)

Confession:  I don’t dance.  Period.  Well not in public at least.

Bigger Confession: I don’t really dance at weddings. Doesn’t happen. I didn’t really dance that much at prom either.

I just feel like I look incredibly awkward when I dance. I don’t know what to do with my hands, my arms, my legs, or my feet. I’m awkward and extremely clumsy.  There was one time I did get out on the dance floor at a wedding last year and then what happened? I slammed into a friend and spilled Coke all over his suit.  I went to a club once and it was just awful. I didn’t know what to do with myself and it doesn’t help when you have to bring a purse inside and there’s no good place to put it down.

Sure, you can give me the argument that everyone looks awkward on the dance floor. Ok, we all know that is a lie.  Some people are born naturally with rhythm and move well.  Others just like getting out on the dance floor and letting out energy and being social no matter what they look like because it’s fun for them.

Then there’s folks like me who really are ok with just being there and not being on the dance floor. I honestly don’t feel left out when I’m sitting on the side watching you guys get your groove on. I don’t feel self conscious or awkward or clumsy when I’m watching from a table. I feel way more uncomfortable trying to dance and then I don’t enjoy it at all.

I think part of the reason is with my personality, I hate it when everyone already knows how do something and I have to catch up. Remember back in PE class when they taught us all the line dances during rainy days when we had to stay inside? Somehow EVERYONE already knew how to do the electric slide and I was the only one who didn’t and both my classmates and the teacher made me feel like an idiot for not being able to learn it like *SNAP*. So since then, I’ve just never really had any motivation to get up in front of other people and dance.  Also I think what happens is that people will beg me to come on the dance floor, I finally cave in and do it, and then said people disappear, leaving me to feel, WHY AM I OUT THERE AGAIN??

One more excuse is the music. There are songs that I DO like and CAN move around to and IF those songs are played, there is a higher chance of me being able to be convinced to get out on the dance floor.  Unfortunately the majority of these songs are not really played at weddings and/or the couple has a HIGHLY different music taste than I do.  Oh and for the record, if you try to get me to do a line dance (Electric Slide, Cupid Shuffle, etc), you will fail. And it will be miserable on everyone’s end.

However since I will be a bridesmaid at a wedding where I am best friends with both the bride and groom, I have been threatened that I must dance or I will be demoted. Therefore, all the above probably will have to be amended if I want to be a good friend and bridesmaid. I can change my ways.

1

Why I wish Lizzie Bennet was my Best Friend

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I am a big Jane Austen fan. I’ve read the books, I’ve seen the movies and the BBC adaptations.  I would love to have a Jane Austen party one day where the girls wear long dresses and the guys wear top hats. (Yes, I just wrote that.) And to me her signature work is Pride and Prejudice. Now I’m not going to talk about any of the movie or TV adaptations today.  Mainly because I don’t feel like arguing over which is better. I ENJOY THEM ALL.

No, today I’m going to wax poetic about the awesomesauce that is The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.

In a nutshell The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is an online modern adaption of Pride and Prejudice.  Lizzie is a 24 year old grad student who video blogs her diaries on YouTube and through that the story of P&P unfolds.  Almost all of your favorite characters are here, but with a modern twist to them.  I came to watching these a bit late. I remember seeing this being talked about but it wasn’t until after it ended that I got hooked into them.  What makes LBD so awesome is that it’s a social media interactive experience. The characters were not only posting vlogs, but also active on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook as well. And you the fan could follow and interact with the characters in real life. Of course you couldn’t change the actual story but you got to be IN the story.

The videos alone are top notch. (The series recently won a Primetime Emmy.) They are high quality, the acting is superb, and the writing is spot on. I can’t tell you how many times I died laughing or sat there sobbing watching a single episode. This is honestly one of the most creative things I’ve ever experienced.  If you’re a guy, don’t think that this is some piece of chick lit fluff.  The writing is extremely witty that I challenge you to watch a few episodes and see what you think.

I include here the first video in the series. WATCH IT.

Did you like it? (If you didn’t, we are not friends anymore. And if we weren’t friends to begin with, we will never be friends.)  If you did, then here is the rest of the playlist so you can watch the rest of the story. Yes there are 100 videos, BUT they are no more than 5 minutes each and it’s so addictive that you will have to force yourself to stop. However, if you really want the full experience and to immerse yourself completely in the LBD world, go here where the ENTIRE story is played out. Because not only did Lizzie do videos, but so did Lydia, and Charlotte, and other characters I am not going to mention yet (SPOILERS) and they really help to bring the story full circle.  Without spoiling things, I will say this edition of P&P gives Lydia a real voice for the first time and makes her character more worthwhile.

Once you’re done with LBD, the folks at Pemberley Digital (it’s a real place!) also produced Welcome to Sanditon, again a modern adaptation of Jane Austen’s unfinished novel Sanditon. I will admit it’s not as charming as LBD and there some parts that drag a bit, but it’s still quite fun.  And their newest offering started this past Monday, Emma Approved, based on Jane Austen’s Emma.

Basically if you’re a Pride and Prejudice fan this is a fun new way to experience the classic story. If you’ve never read/watched it, then this is a fun and different way to join the rest of us fans. It’s so adorbs! WHAAAAAAAAT!

On a fun personal note: two of my best friends are basically Lizzie and Darcy. Seriously, their story is exactly like that AND they are getting married!  And while we get a kick out of watching the 2005 version and how Darcy acts in there, this version had us cracking up at the similarities between Dizzie and my friends. (And yes, I get to be Charlotte) Basically if you ever meet us in person and hear us say “DARCY-BOT” you will understand the in joke.

And another shout out of thanks to @theharmonyguy for introducing me to this delightful and addictive pastime.

0

Dear Diary…

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IMG_20130928_114738So it should come to no surprise that I am a journaler.  I know…a blogger who also journals? Shocking.

I used to keep an online journal back in the day.  Remember Livejournal? Well I had that, its emo little sister Deadjournal, and also an Upsaid account, though that website no longer exists. Those entries were so drama filled, full of angst, and emotion.  I mean, what do you expect from a 18-20 year old college student who gets her heart broken repeatedly? I shudder when I go back and read those entries because 1) I had made them public and put the link on my AIM profile so that EVERYONE could see them and 2) SO MUCH $#*#@$!!! DRAMA ABOUT BOYS.  I pity the guys who I was involved with during those years because everything’s all right there in the open for everyone to see.  It is so embarrassing reading those things. Seriously I want to slap my 18-20 year old self repeatedly, what on earth was I thinking?! How on earth did I possibly think doing that would be a good idea? Don’t worry, I am not like that anymore.  If anything, it won’t be so obvious when I’m talking about you….(jk)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been learning (and sometimes the hard way) to NOT put my emotions out in public on social media. Usually one does it to try to attract the attention of certain parties in a passive aggressive matter.  So to stop myself from doing this, I started to write in actual physical journals.  I started off at first because I realized that my friends (who are awesome) didn’t want to be burdened all the time with my problems.

Journaling has been very therapeutic for me.  I write A LOT.  I bring my journal with me everywhere in case the mood strikes or if I’m bored. I’ve been getting the spiral bound bargain journals from Barnes and Nobles. For less than $5, I get about 200 pages of blank canvas. I’m currently on my 7th journal of 2013. Yes, I know that’s a LOT of writing. And before you ask, I like to fill up almost every page front to back, top to bottom in the books.  I’ve found that by channeling the first wave of emotions through writing it down in the journal helps out a lot.  By the time I actually talk to my friends about things that are still bothering me, I’ve already filtered out all the immediate knee jerk emotions and by then I have been able to process and think clearly.

I’ve gone back and read the journals I’ve kept for the past 2 years.  And I’ll say it’s been a very interesting journey reading them.  I kind of feel like River Song and her journal. Lots of spoilers! It’s quite amazing how many things I’ve predicted came true. But in honesty, it feels like when I wrote entries months ago, it’s almost like I knew I would need to be reminding in the future of things when I reread it.  I’ve even included notes for my future self, if I reread these journals five, 10, even 50 years from now. It’s almost like reading a story as it’s being written and wondering how everything is going to turn out.

I would hope that no one ever sees what I write though.  It’s like Tom Riddle’s diary. I’ve included part of my soul in these journals, they carry a part of me. And if someone were to read them without my consent, they would be discovering a part of me that I tend to keep hidden. It’s me being raw, vulnerable, and sometimes weak. It always annoys me in movies, TV shows, and books when someone snoops and reads a diary that doesn’t belong to them, and they get mad at what they read.  It usually never dawns on them that they are in the wrong in the first place for reading what doesn’t belong to them. That being said, there  have been times when I do share what I’ve written in my journal. You have to be the right person, in the right time, and the right place for that to happen.

Do you journal? How long have you been journaling? Do you have a physical journal or do you keep it electronic?

0

How to Get Likes on Facebook When You’re Single

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So I’ve reached that age in life when the majority of my friends are engaged, married, and/or having kids. I’m sure many of you can relate to how you go on your Facebook feed and every day there are statuses of people starting to date, getting engaged, wedding photos, pregnancy announcements, and then the onslaught of baby photos.

And then because birds of a feather flock together, when you see the first initial post of a relationship status change or the baby announcement, everyone and their mother and tech-savvy grandmother likes and comments on those posts.  And it keeps building.

Again not that it’s a competition and may I be the first to say that any time any of my friends have a major life event happen to them I am thrilled beyond belief.  I AM NOT BITTER!

But to quote Carrie Bradshaw: “Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you. … Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the flatware for going on vacation alone?”  It’s true.  If one does not get married or have a baby, whether by personal choice or beyond their control, but has friends who do both, the single friend is always celebrating for them, yet does not really get the same treatment in return.

So I have been conducting an informal tally of my Facebook statuses and it’s been determined that if you’re single, things that get the most votes (at least for me) are getting a new job (which happened to me this Friday!) and buying a car after you get into accident caused by a deer. Seriously, people come out of the woodwork for those things.  These are people from high school you never talk to, college friends you thought forgot about you, people you can’t remember friending, etc.  I mean these folks don’t even tell you happy birthday. I guess it’s easier to like a post vs. write a comment.  I can assume that if I bought a house or graduated with a major degree, these two events might fall into this category as well.

I will be curious though if/when I do change a relationship status, if that would generate more likes/congratulatory comments.  Are people happier when they know you are with someone or still happy for you when they see that you can handle things on your own?  Also is it different when you do these things as a single woman vs a single man?

Not that any of this matters. I do not need social media to give me validation on what is important in life or how important I am. I just find it interesting what kinds of life events that people will approve of and be happy for…..as I like the status of news of a friend’s engagement.

2

Legen….wait for it…….

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I’ve mentioned that I’ve been binge watching shows lately in hopes to catch up with current episodes on air now.  The first show that I ever did this to was How I Met Your Mother.  I have several friends who are heavily into the show and they kept telling me I needed to watch it.  “It’s exactly what we as late 20-somethings are going through!” is what they kept telling me.  I had been hesitant because the ads for the show never really got to me and plus I wasn’t really a big comedy watcher.

Then last fall, I was going through a rough time emotionally and I wanted to distract myself from all that emotional angst and I gave in and started watching. HOLY FUDGE. I loved the show.  I loved the show so much (and apparently I needed a LOT of distracting) that I watched all six seasons that were available on Netflix in a month.  And then through a lot of pleading, begging, and bartering with friends, I was finally able to catch up on season 7 and 8 through their downloads in time to watch this season live with the rest of the world.

Warning: I am going to bank on the fact that you have already seen this show.  Therefore there will be a lot of spoilers. You’ve been warned.

I could SO relate to the show. I feel like I have friends who are just like Marshall and Lily (even down to having a baby and the guy being super tall! If you know who are you are….).  A lot of the things the group goes through (new jobs! finishing grad school! losing job! dating! breaking up! turning 30! getting engaged! people having babies!) is exactly what my friends and I are going through right now.

The girls, I can give or take on the show.  I do love the boots that they wear and I LOVE Lily’s hair in season 2.  But they drive me insane sometimes. I want to throttle Robin. I hope I don’t act like that in real life.  But I really enjoy how the show has portrayed the men.  I adore Marshall. Seriously, he is a favorite.  THAT is the type of guy I want.  Also it’s really interesting for me to see Jason Segel in this light, because I had only previously seen him in all those R-rated comedy films.  Had no idea he was such a sweetheart.  And Barney.  Oh Barney.  You are hilarious and bring the best comic relief to the show but stay away from me in real life.

And Teddy Boy.  Yes he has his moments (really, those red boots are super ugly) and there are times when I want to strangle him. He’s definitely not the perfect guy and it takes him a few seasons to realize that he wants to make his intentions serious. But you know what?  In a world where so many 20-something year old guys DON’T want to even pursue a girl let alone settle down, I want a Ted.  (Actually I would rather have a Rory, but that’s another show)  I would love to meet a guy who is attractive as Ted, has a steady job, and knows he wants to find a woman to be serious about with the intention to at least consider settling down and getting married.

I just wish he could get over Robin.  And I know that it’s going to happen.  It’s just…he’s in a bad situation where he’s not going to get over her very easily, as we’ve seen over the past 8 seasons.  You can’t fall in love with your best friend, break up, stay friends, try to keep those feelings reigned in only to have them date/marry your other best friend, and not be emotionally affected unless you are a Dalek. Ted compared every girl he dated to Robin and therefore was unable to move on.  It also didn’t help that she was RIGHT THERE all the time.  Actually this kind of frustrated me.  Why did Robin choose Barney over Ted?  Ted LOVES her and from their interactions they would make a great couple.  Barney loves her too, but I feel like Barney loves Robin best when she acts like a bro.  When she acts like a girl, he’s not there.  Unfortunately Ted is.  And yet Robin doesn’t see this.   And so Ted is stuck.  Because her friends are his friends.  And he can’t really escape it if he stays.  And so he has to face his hurt every time they all hang out, which seems to be all the time. And so even though I feel it’s been dragged out for a loooooong time and I throw my head in my hands every time it happens, I think it’s actually quite realistic to see Ted’s struggle with this. Because it does take a long time for the feelings to go away and it’s hard and it sucks. The joy and pain of falling in love with someone you are very close to and then realizing they don’t feel the same way. I get you, Ted. (But that’s another post for another day).

There are way too many funny instances in the show for me to highlight any (though I do love when Future Ted, played by Bob Saget, says that he was a fan of Dave Coulier). So as we are into the final season of the show, I’m looking forward to seeing how everything turns out. I’m hoping for a good send off and that they properly end all story lines (more slaps! and I just saw Bryan Cranston is coming back for an episode!). I think I tuned into the show at just the right time in my life.  Any earlier or later, and it wouldn’t have the same impact that it does now on me. It would be totally awesome if one day I can tell a similar story to my kids on how I met their father (granted, it won’t be this long and I wouldn’t tell them as much as Ted has).

7

Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible

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In case you didn’t already know, faith is a big part of my life. I’m a Christian and my faith in God is very important to me. I fully understand that not everyone is going to agree with me and that’s ok. I’m not planning on shoving anything down your throat or forcing you to believe in what I believe. But this is a part of me; it makes me who I am.

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Swap The Doctor for God and Amy for Deborah, and this is how life feels like sometimes. (For the record, I know God always tells the truth, though sometimes he doesn’t tell it ALL)

Even though I am confident and in assurance of my relationship and faith with God, I still have struggles.  My main one at the moment is trusting in God when things seem impossible.  Basically, when do you let go and give up vs. when do you keep praying and trusting that God will make something happen (with you, of course, doing your share)? How long and far does/should faith go? For the record, I’m not talking about instances where things are illogically impossible (ie. Dear God, please let every kid on the planet own a unicorn!”) but instead situations where you’re not sure whether you should keep praying/trusting or should just abandon the hope.  Sometimes I feel that because I want something so badly, surely God isn’t going to let it happen.

There have been instances in my life where I know that God has spoken to me and made promises.  How do I know this? With confirmation through prayer, reading Scripture, getting advice from trusted sources.  It’s not like I magically heard God’s voice saying “This will happen!” Believe me, there have been many times when I question myself if I’ve made up everything in my head. And then I worry, if I truly believe that it’s from God and it doesn’t come through, will my entire faith shatter? But every time when I seriously doubt God’s promises, there have been many forms of backup that prove that I could not have manipulated things myself.  And I’ve seen where he HAS answered prayers regarding to these certain promises I worry about now, it’s just the whole promise hasn’t been fulfilled yet.

Right now, I’m not sure if my fear is getting in the way or I’m just ignoring what is right in front of my face.  I don’t want to be stupid about this. Is God trying to show me that he’s closing doors and I’m just ignoring that and just continuing to push against the doors because I don’t want them to be closed? Or am I just letting my fears grow substantially and all God wants me to do is trust in him and he WILL make it all work out, even though it all seems impossible, once I just give into the trust?

Thanks to one of the devotionals that I use, the part of Scripture that jumps out to me most during this time is in Genesis when God told Abraham and Sarah that even in their old age, they would have a son. Sarah’s response was to laugh mainly out of disbelief and I don’t blame her. In my impossible situation right now, I’m laughing at God too (“Yeah right, good joke God! I’ll believe it when I see it…which will most likely be never!”). And then they got tired of waiting and took matters into their own hands which led to the birth of Ishmael and that whole messy affair.

This—this distrust for God’s plan and His timing, this need to take control, this manipulation of circumstances to fit our “needs” instead of His will—this is when disaster happens. (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/07/11/day4/)

I don’t want that to happen in my own life. I don’t want to go against God’s instruction simply because I get impatient or don’t think that he will come through because I am scared and fearful to fully trust in him.

Waiting is the hardest part. Because right now I don’t know what’s going to happen. And it’s extremely scary right now.  I’m scared because I have no idea what, how, when, where or why things are going to play out.

And yet BECAUSE of my faith, I know what I need to do.  It’s out of my hands completely and I have to turn it over to God and let him be in control and not me.  Nothing is impossible for God:

  • “Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.” (Genesis 18:14)
  • “Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.” (Genesis 21: 1-2)

He will wait with you if you ask. He will sustain your faith. He will assure you that He is in control. He has a plan and it’s not ours to figure out. He will turn your restlessness into rest. Rest in Him. (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/07/11/day4/)

He will be faithful. He will fulfill His promise, blessing us with the desire that He alone put on our hearts. And, as it often does with the stories of our own lives, everything makes sense in the end. (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/07/12/day5/)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

(Photo credit: http://kasatkas.tumblr.com/post/10762813292/doctor-amy-you-need-to-start-trusting-me-its)

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Random Things that Pop in My Head During Worship

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Worship1

I’m not ashamed to admit that I love worshiping in church.  I really enjoy the songs that my church sings and the music is awesome.  I’m not going to lie though.  Sometimes random things just pop in my head while I’m worshiping. Now before you start going all  “Do whatever you want to do, no one is going to judge you”, these are just things that randomly pop up in my head.

  • When the lyrics talk about “lifting hands”, is that the right time for me to raise my hands? Should I wait until that moment?
  • When the lyrics talk about “opening our eyes” should my eyes be open and looking up? Is it weird if I’m singing with my eyes closed during those lyrics?
  • When the lyrics talk about standing/rising up and it happens to be when the congregation is sitting down, should we be standing up? What if we want to stay seated?  That awkward moment when one person stands up first and then everyone else slowly gets up looking like they should have done it already.
  • I totally understand that ushers need to get people into their seats but I swear every time I start really getting into worship, I’m always interrupted to move over or let people in.  It totally ruins the mood.  And don’t even start about how I should have moved into the center of the aisle to start with. I GOT THERE FIRST. (#firstworldproblems I know.)
  • I know that it shouldn’t matter how a person sounds as long as they are worshiping earnestly, but it is rude to switch seats if the person behind you is screeching so loud you can’t concentrate?
  • I’ve always been slightly curious as to what would happen if someone drops both the juice tray AND the crackers during communion.

Yes, my mind does tend to think of weird things in church.  Don’t be fooled though. I am just as good as focusing as well.