Dear Diary…

IMG_20130928_114738So it should come to no surprise that I am a journaler.  I know…a blogger who also journals? Shocking.

I used to keep an online journal back in the day.  Remember Livejournal? Well I had that, its emo little sister Deadjournal, and also an Upsaid account, though that website no longer exists. Those entries were so drama filled, full of angst, and emotion.  I mean, what do you expect from a 18-20 year old college student who gets her heart broken repeatedly? I shudder when I go back and read those entries because 1) I had made them public and put the link on my AIM profile so that EVERYONE could see them and 2) SO MUCH $#*#@$!!! DRAMA ABOUT BOYS.  I pity the guys who I was involved with during those years because everything’s all right there in the open for everyone to see.  It is so embarrassing reading those things. Seriously I want to slap my 18-20 year old self repeatedly, what on earth was I thinking?! How on earth did I possibly think doing that would be a good idea? Don’t worry, I am not like that anymore.  If anything, it won’t be so obvious when I’m talking about you….(jk)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been learning (and sometimes the hard way) to NOT put my emotions out in public on social media. Usually one does it to try to attract the attention of certain parties in a passive aggressive matter.  So to stop myself from doing this, I started to write in actual physical journals.  I started off at first because I realized that my friends (who are awesome) didn’t want to be burdened all the time with my problems.

Journaling has been very therapeutic for me.  I write A LOT.  I bring my journal with me everywhere in case the mood strikes or if I’m bored. I’ve been getting the spiral bound bargain journals from Barnes and Nobles. For less than $5, I get about 200 pages of blank canvas. I’m currently on my 7th journal of 2013. Yes, I know that’s a LOT of writing. And before you ask, I like to fill up almost every page front to back, top to bottom in the books.  I’ve found that by channeling the first wave of emotions through writing it down in the journal helps out a lot.  By the time I actually talk to my friends about things that are still bothering me, I’ve already filtered out all the immediate knee jerk emotions and by then I have been able to process and think clearly.

I’ve gone back and read the journals I’ve kept for the past 2 years.  And I’ll say it’s been a very interesting journey reading them.  I kind of feel like River Song and her journal. Lots of spoilers! It’s quite amazing how many things I’ve predicted came true. But in honesty, it feels like when I wrote entries months ago, it’s almost like I knew I would need to be reminding in the future of things when I reread it.  I’ve even included notes for my future self, if I reread these journals five, 10, even 50 years from now. It’s almost like reading a story as it’s being written and wondering how everything is going to turn out.

I would hope that no one ever sees what I write though.  It’s like Tom Riddle’s diary. I’ve included part of my soul in these journals, they carry a part of me. And if someone were to read them without my consent, they would be discovering a part of me that I tend to keep hidden. It’s me being raw, vulnerable, and sometimes weak. It always annoys me in movies, TV shows, and books when someone snoops and reads a diary that doesn’t belong to them, and they get mad at what they read.  It usually never dawns on them that they are in the wrong in the first place for reading what doesn’t belong to them. That being said, there  have been times when I do share what I’ve written in my journal. You have to be the right person, in the right time, and the right place for that to happen.

Do you journal? How long have you been journaling? Do you have a physical journal or do you keep it electronic?

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