Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don’t know how

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I saw a status in my Facebook feed this weekend that irked me a lot. The comments that followed didn’t help to stop the irritation. I didn’t respond though.

I see arguments on Twitter when I disagree with the things people are saying. Reading them sometimes makes the blood pressure go up. I don’t engage however.

Sometimes I’m standing in a group of people and there will be a debate where I have strong opinions in. While listening to the argument, I feel the need to punch a wall. But I don’t speak up.

There’s a lot of times that I want to say things but I don’t.

It’s not that I’m afraid to say something. It’s more so that other people shout louder than me.

There are folks that have VERY strong opinions and they are not open into hearing things from the opposing end. If I try to say something, it gets lost in the crowd. People speak over me. Even if I know I’m right and I have tons of things to back me up, it sometimes feels like it’s not enough to get the other person to hear me.

It’s great that you have your beliefs and if you feel confident in them, you shouldn’t back down. But what frustrates me is when they think their way is the only way and they refuse to learn or listen to anyone else.

Here’s an example for me: In case you still haven’t picked it up after reading my blog, I’m a Christian. I am very strong in my faith and I’m not going to change it. However, I take the time to learn about other religions. My minor was religious studies and it was probably one of the best decisions I made in my life. Because in doing so, it helped me make me see why I believe what I believe and it made my own faith stronger. But at the same time, it helped me to understand those of other religions a lot better because now I knew what they believe in and understand their POVs and I don’t need to scream about what I believe in.

Maybe I’m just weird. I’m strong in my opinions of what I like or believe in. But (outside of family) I’ve found that being belligerent about what you’re passionate about, even with people who do agree with you, doesn’t always lead to the best results.

Learning about the other side doesn’t mean you’ll sacrifice your own beliefs. Sometimes you need to stop shouting in order to make yourself be heard better.

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Being a girl who is a geek

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I use an app called Timehop which tells me all my social media activity (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Foursquare) for up to 5 years ago. Sometimes it’s fun remembering things I forgot and reliving events, other times it’s a bit painful seeing what happened.

Thanks to the app, the other day I came across a Facebook post that I had written a year ago.

I am a girl. And I’m a geek.

I love all things about Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. I’m not afraid to admit that I know facts about all the James Bond movies, Indiana Jones trilogy (4th…what?), and pretty much anything about the Academy Awards. I want to learn more about all things Marvel, DC and anything comic book related. I love Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Doctor Who and Lost. I’m not a Trekkie but the new Star Trek movies makes me glad I’m a nerd. I read a crap ton and I want to read and learn more. I would play more video games if they didn’t make me nauseous (sad nerd face). I’m learning how awesome the world of tabletop gaming is. Swords and bows and arrows fascinate me and cosplaying is fun. Hawkeye is my geek crush. History and science are NEVER boring.

All this to say is that I’m a girl and I’m a geek. And I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I think I wrote this at a time when I was struggling with all my interests and my identity because I kept comparing myself to other women that I knew. Most of my girlfriends don’t share a lot of my interests though their boyfriends/husbands did and I felt weird that I was the odd one out, like there was something wrong with me and I had to justify myself.

A year has passed since that and I’m glad to say that thing are different. Sure, a lot of my girlfriends still don’t share those same interests and I still have much better talks about my interests with my guy friends. But you know what? It’s perfectly ok! There are obviously things I can’t talk about with my guy friends that I go to my girlfriends for. And then when I need to talk about the awesomeness of Pacific Rim, I have people for that.

This might sound really simple to most of you who have your interests and are perfectly fine with them. But for me, it’s taken years to find out my identity. And I’m proud of what I like and who I am. And if someone doesn’t find that attractive or at the very least interesting about me, then it’s kind of obvious that they aren’t meant for me.

Oh. I am also really sports too. Just saying, if you’re not into the geek stuff. We can also talk about sports.

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SOAP Moments or When I Say Stupid Stuff

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Two of the faults that people call me out on all the time is the fact that I overthink and that I can be too quiet sometimes. They tell me that I should talk more and not worry about how I come across to others.

But want to know why I’m so paranoid about the things I say?

I wish I was one of those people who say clever things all the time. Every word that comes out of their mouth is either witty or full of humor. They are the eloquent speakers who never need to write or practice beforehand because everything that comes out of their mouth is golden. You know who these people are and you know who you are. It’s a gift.

Instead I am someone who says awkward and stupid things if I don’t think carefully before I speak. I don’t know why it happens. I mean believe me, I really hate all the word vomit that just pours out. I say things that make no sense. I say things that could make people uncomfortable. I say unnecessary information. I sometimes hurt people.

Examples:

  • One of my best friends was having a mild allergic reaction from taking a sip of my strawberry margarita. While in my head I was genuinely concerned and wanted to help, because I was scared for him what came out of my mouth instead was some stupid remark about I hope he doesn’t choke to death. His response was appropriate in which he yelled at me for making him panic more and to which I felt like a horrible person and went to the bathroom and cried.
  • Someone can ask me a very vague question and then for reasons unbeknownst to me, I end up blabbing things I had no intention of bringing up earlier and I can totally see that the person doesn’t care and is only nodding out of politeness.
  • When I’m emotional, my filter seems to come down and I will say things that shouldn’t be said because they are mean and hurtful. Maybe it is true, but I should have either not said it at all or just used some tact. I hate it when I hurt someone because of how I was personally feeling at the moment.

When moments like these happen, I call them SOAP moments. SOAP moments refer to a time back when I was 18 and working a summer job. There was a guy working with me that I was trying to impress and one day we were all sitting around talking. And I was thinking too hard to try to say something clever. And then for whatever reason, the first thing to blurt out of my mouth was about how in Fight Club, they make soap using fat from liposuction clinics.

Why on earth, I thought this was a brilliant thing to say, I don’t know. I just remember the conversation coming to a halt and the guy looking at me like I had suddenly grown two heads. And it felt all kinds of awkward and horrible. Since then, any moment when I say something stupid is referred to a SOAP moment.

This is akin to my Dale Jr. incident about telling him he was better looking in person than on TV. I SAY STUPID THINGS WHEN I DON’T THINK.

I know some folks can brush it off immediately and don’t care. But for me, I hate it when I do. I hate the awkwardness I feel creeping on me. I hate the looks I get when people are tired of me yammering away and I can’t seem to stop. I hate feeling judged for saying the wrong things. I hate when I hurt people accidentally by saying something hurtful unintentionally.

The worst is when my intentions are trying to honestly be helpful or sympathetic and instead I make myself come across as uncaring or spiteful to someone who I care very much about. It’s funny when someone does this to me, I feel like it’s my fault. When I do this to someone else, it still feels like it’s my fault. CAN. NOT. WIN.

And because I would like to avoid all these situations, this is why I overthink and stay relatively quiet. Better to not say anything than speak without thinking and sound stupid or hurt everyone. So now you know!

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Just Know You’re Not Alone

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I found out this weekend that one of the other bridesmaids didn’t have their ears pierced either. This was basically my reaction:

I wasn’t alone!

Yes it’s a personal choice to not have my ears pierced and I’ve never really wanted to get it done (though I did get my eyebrow pierced back in college which eventually got closed up later on but that’s another story). But it was one of those moments where I didn’t feel like the odd man out anymore.

I walked up to a friend during the reception because he was standing in the corner alone. I was slightly worried that he wanted to be alone and I was intruding. This then became the conversation:

We’re both extroverts so we recharge being around other people. When we’re in our comfort zone with people we know and are close with, we are good to go. We act crazy, are very social, and we’re not afraid to be awkward. But put us in a situation where we only know a few people and it’s a larger crowd, and we shrink. We can’t really go up to people we’ve only met a few times because once you’ve exhausted the same conversation over and over again there’s only so much you can talk about without prompting from the other person. It’s hard to go up to someone you know very well when they are in a conversation with other people because you feel like you’re intruding. Everyone has their own little groups and there’s only so much standing outside of the group nodding that you can do before it gets weird. It’s easier when you are at a table and it’s more confined because you can focus better with the smaller group.

‘I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.’ – Fitzwilliam Darcy

Instead what you typically end up doing is going off by yourself, most likely with some beverage in your hand, to keep yourself busy while you scope out the crowd and recharge while you make your anxiety calm down a little. You’d like it if someone comes up and strikes up conversation even if it’s someone you don’t know, but when it’s one of your close friends it’s even better when they understand how you felt. So yes, he was thankful that I had come up to him to talk. .

After hearing him say basically everything that always runs through my mind in large social events, my reaction was this

It really makes you feel better when you find out you’re not the only one who feels certain way. When everyone else around you seems like they have it all together and you wonder if something’s wrong with you or if it’s just all in your head, finding someone else who has those same fears and anxieties makes you know you’re not alone and it’s going to be ok. There will always be people who can’t understand you but when you find someone who does, it’s always a win.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”- CS Lewis

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What is Deborah Geeking Over This Week Vol. 3

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And here’s this week’s edition of what was awesome this week for me:

I went out to lunch after church and was told that white pizza was boring. This coming from a guy who had gotten two pieces of pepperoni pizza. Really?

I cannot put this book down. I also don’t want it to end. It reminds me of The Joy Luck Club a bit. Right now, it’s one of my favorite books of the year.

Thanks to coupons and rewards points, I got this eyeliner for 21 cents at Ulta this week. Woot.

This is a mead and it has a 19% ABV. DRINK IT SLOWLY. Also very sweet.

This song has been on repeat all week. Basically the lyrics are what I feel like any guy I’ve ever liked in my life is trying to say to me.

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Best scene in the new X-Men movie. Young Magneto over Wolverine any day.

Because a real life Lizzie and Darcy are getting married tomorrow. And it will be glorious.

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You Can’t Handle the Truth

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Sometimes when you want someone to be honest with you, it can hurt.

There’s an episode of Friends called “The One With the List”. In it Rachel finds a pros/cons list that Ross made to determine if he should break up with his current girlfriend for her. As expected, when she reads it, it really hurts her.

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

I once had a talk with a very close friend and during the conversation, I asked them to brutally honest with me. It was one of those moments where it was now or never that things of this nature were going to get shared.

I’m not going to share what was said, mainly because a lot of the things said are still quite painful and also I realize that it was only one specific viewpoint. But at the same time, it hurt. It made me feel like everything I have ever worried about myself for years WERE in fact true. Also that things that I had finally come to love about myself were still negative factors about me.

The worst part was that it had come from someone I trusted. Yes, I had asked them to tell me these things. Really, I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose I’d rather hear it from someone I trusted vs. some random person who didn’t know me at all. But I think it’s because I am close to them that it hurt even more. That because they knew my insecurities and my fears, the way it came out just made me feel like I was a failure. Were these things all true? Possibly. But at the same time, maybe I just wasn’t ready to handle it.

The next few days involved a lot of internal and external processing. It was very tempting to continue feeling like I was unworthy. It was a very highly emotional time. But because I wanted to prove to the other person and mainly to myself that I wasn’t going to stay this way, I found myself fighting it. First though, I allowed myself to hurt. Because to ignore the hurt would not be healthy. To just push it away would only make it come back much worse in the future. I let myself cry and be angry.

Then I stopped. And I allowed myself to move on. Why? Because even though this was a trusted confidant for me, they aren’t me. The only person who has final say over what happens in my life is me. And if I’m honestly happy with myself right now, then no one should take that away from me. Just because I’m not what someone wants or I’m not doing something you would do, doesn’t mean I have to change myself. Unless I want to.

One more thing. I am done having important and in-depth conversations late at night. Because this right here is so very true (but not in the way it happens on the show, lest you start thinking that) :

Addendum: Also lest you think this person was a horrible person, they are not. I still consider them to be one of my closest friends and I love them dearly. It was just one of those moments that you learn from. 🙂

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When Darcy finally met his Lizzie

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This week is going to be super exciting. Two of my best friends are getting married this weekend! And I couldn’t be happier for them. I’m really happy because I’m close friends with BOTH the bride and groom. I love this couple and am really glad they’ve included me in their day.

We have a running joke that their love story is basically Pride and Prejudice and well…this was them.

I’m also excited because this is the first time that I’ll be a bridesmaid in a wedding. I know, I know. There are several of you out there who have been in more weddings that you care to be in and you have all the expensive dresses to prove it. Not counting my own (which well, we won’t really talk about), the only other wedding I’ve been in was when I was 14 and my Sunday School teacher got married and along with the rest of the girls in our class, I was a junior bridesmaid. This meant that I helped out with food and got to decorate the car (butter + flour = one heck of a mess). This time, I’ve been there for lots of planning, bridal showers and bacherlorette parties, dress fittings, jewelry shopping, etc. I even checked out books from the library about how to be a good bridesmaid.

You know how everyone says that no one pays attention to anyone but the bride at weddings? Well maybe that’s true for everyone else but for some reason I’ve always noticed the bridesmaids. I’m always jealous of the wedding party. Everyone seems like they all know each other and it’s one big in-crowd. And not that it matters because no one will really be looking at me, I’m really excited about how I’m planning on doing my hair. Thank you to my friend for not being a bridezilla (really, she’s been the most excellent bride ever. Let’s do a TV show on NICE brides for a change?) and while we’re all wearing the same dress, we can be our individual selves in our hairstyles. I’m hoping it ends up looking nice because it’ll probably be different from everyone else, but very much ME. Pics may be posted at a later time.

Is there potential for this to be hard for me because 1) I had previously had a wedding before and 2) since I’m now single? A little. Not so much about my own wedding because that’s over and done with in the past. If/when I do get married again, there are things I will change plus it’d be a much smaller wedding. As for being single, I am disappointed that while I was allowed a plus one, I (not without trying, believe me) couldn’t fill it. As yet another one of my best friends gets married, my feelings of being left behind do intensify. There’s a temptation to feel like this every time I get invited to a wedding or hear of an engagement. And while I dread dancing at weddings for many reasons, slow dances are going to be worst because at this point if you don’t bring a date there is literally no one left to dance with.

But enough about me and my issues. This week is about two of my best friends getting married and how excited I am going to be for their wedding AND marriage. I don’t have the fear that I will lose them afterwards or that it will be a battle of married vs singles. I have been with them from the beginning and seen them go through all the ups and downs and ups again of a healthy normal relationship. I’ve seen them grow not only as a couple but individually they both have grown in ways that will compliment each other as well as positively on their own. I know they love each other and even though it’s not always going to be easy, they are going to have an awesome life together. I better stop talking now because I need to leave some words for toasts later on…..

To “Darcy” and “Lizzie”, I love you two! Congrats! From “Charlotte”

(This is not them…but it sure could be them 🙂

Photo Credit: Emily Blake Photography

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The Repeat Factor

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Over the past few years I’ve read over several thousand books (I wish I was joking) and watched several hundred movies. A lot of these books and movies were new to me. Before you start talking about how much time I’ve wasted doing this, don’t. I’m sure that there are many things you’ve done in your spare time that you enjoyed that I could say was wasted time.

I talked earlier this week about trying new things and how it can be a really fun experience to get out of your comfort zone.

However there are also times when you like something a lot and you get comfort from rereading a book or rewatching a movie.

I know there are some folks who don’t like doing this. To them, once they finish something, it’s out of sight out of mind. It’s not a big deal to retain the knowledge so once it’s done, out the brain it goes. Whenever I talk about rewatching a movie multiple times in theaters, they don’t understand why I do this. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to understand to be honest. I like something a lot enough that I’m willing to pay to go do it again. I’ve explained this before: the first time I’m super excited so I’m just geeking out, the second time I’m trying to catch everything I missed the first time because I was geeking out to pay much attention, and any times after that is to just enjoy the movie.

When it comes to rereading books, usually it’s because the stories are comfort reads and bring back some form of nostalgia. I try to read the Harry Potter series and the Chronicles of Narnia series at least once a year. Every time I do so, I always seem to find new things. Sometimes it’s because I’m getting older and read it in a different light. Sometimes it’s because I’ve learned things along the way and become aware of new information that makes the reading experience different. Also it’s just because I enjoy it. It’s like revisiting an old friend and you’re catching up.

Right now I have an insanely high TBR pile. You really don’t want to know how many books I have to read. Plus I keep getting new books from the library all the time. But there are still times when I want to go back and rediscover books that I’ve read years ago. It’s especially tempting when I read/hear from other people discovering my favorite books for the first time. I want to go back and join them again. It’s easier rewatching movies than rereading books mainly because it takes a shorter amount of time to do the former. It gives the same feeling though.

Basically when it comes to repeating a book or movie, it has to be something that I highly enjoyed the first time around. While I can occasionally give something a second chance, it’s rare because I’d rather spend time on something I really enjoy or trying out something new.

What are some books or movies that you can watch a gazallion times and enjoy them? What makes something worthy of experiencing multiple times because you want to

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I Can’t Wait to Have Patience

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One of the warnings you’re always told in Sunday School growing up is “Don’t ever pray for patience!”

Because what ends up happening is that instead of God giving you the patience to deal with things that are happening now, you instead are giving new situations where you have to figure out how to handle them. One usually walks away feeling severely stressed out.

I’ve talked before about how I feel about waiting. Being patient is not my strong suit.  When I get interested in something, I dive in headfirst almost immediately. Sometimes I feel like I get in over my head. Instead of checking out my surroundings and observing first, I want to make things happen as soon as I can. I think part of it is a fear that once I become aware of something, I want to make it happen because I’m scared that something else will happen. That it was disappear or something else will take it away.

I’ve mentioned before how I feel like I’m a late bloomer. And it seems like I’m finally learning that it’s going to be ok. I could spout out all that clichéd stuff about “Good things come to those who wait” and how “God isn’t going to give you something until you’re ready for it.” But that’s not always what you want to hear when you’re in the middle of the situation.

For me, I’m learning that I live a lot in my head. And sometimes I just need to stop thinking. I’m realizing how much of a temptation it is for me to just sit there and try to over think a situation to try to find out every possible scenario. I try to not to talk about it too much with my friends, just enough to get their opinion and then I journal. But I’m also learning that it’s not healthy to keep rehashing things over in your mind because if you keep doing that, you’ll just keep finding ways to beat yourself down.

So instead, I’ve learned to acknowledge whatever it is I’m waiting on, let out the initial emotional outburst with those I trust, and then put it aside and wait. Hopefully what happens in the wait is that my emotions become controlled, things settle down, and I just see how things proceed naturally vs. forcing things to happen.

Wisdom waits. Wisdom is patient. Blurting out or acting on your feelings in the bloom of their creation is a tempting but foolish thing to do. “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” (Proverbs 29:20) – from The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas

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Adventures in Trying out New Food

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One of the things I’m grateful about living up in the DC Metro area is the diversity of cultures in the area. I grew up being one of the few Asian families in my city. This meant that I mostly acclimated to your basic American culture which is fine. But one thing that I do love about being up here is being exposed to all sorts of different kinds of food.

I LOVE trying out new things to eat. Except for beef (which you can read about here about why I don’t eat it), I’m usually game to try any type of food at least once unless it physically makes me want to throw up. I understand that people are picky eaters or not very adventurous when it comes to eating. Some people also see food as just something for sustenance and not really something to spend a lot of effort, time, or money on. And that’s ok. But for me, I really enjoy seeking out new foods and learning all there is out there.

Whenever I go out to travel, unless I absolutely have to, I avoid chain restaurants as much as possible. Why go to a new place and eat exactly what you can eat back at home? Local and regional restaurants are always fun to try out as ethnic restaurants. It’s also fun to discover new places in your own home. Just like this past weekend when after church, my friends and I discovered a complete hole in the wall Salvadoran restaurant where we were the only non Spanish speakers in the entire place. (What happens when a white girl and two Asians walk into a bar?)

I’m going to admit right now, I don’t normally take pictures of my food while I eat. I will also freely admit that these aren’t high quality pics. But they are a good example of different types of food I have tried over the years that were new to me dishes and INSANELY delish.

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Fried chicken and waffles with macaroni and cheese and green beans with candied lemon.

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When in Louisiana one must try red beans and rice with sausage. The plate to the right is “extra sausage”. I thought it was going to be ground sausage so I asked for more. Now I know why the waitress looked at me weird.

 

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A sampler of soups, one is she crab and the other alligator. I can’t remember the third alas.

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Paella

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Eating Korean food for the first time ever. Fried fish with all the side dishes (banchan)

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You can’t see it (obvs) but inside the burrito is chorizo. Nom nom

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Korean BBQ. Pork Belly and bulgogi are grilling.

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Mongolian stir fry. With bacon. And done.