Tag Archives: Trusting God

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Don’t Believe the Lie

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Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

This is going to be a two part series. Part 1 is from other people’s thoughts and then part 2 will be next week with my own thoughts.

Funny, I had been planning for a few weeks to write a blog post on this subject. Then we had a guest preacher on Sunday which can be hit or miss depending on the subject matter and/or style of teaching. This week it turned out to be a hit because the sermon ended up being almost exactly what I was going to write on. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE GOD.

I’ve paraphrased the sermon here, so not direct quotes but pretty much the gist of what I got out of it.

We’ve all got troubles. But we don’t like letting other people know that we do.

Ephesians 6:10-17 talks about putting on the armor of God so, among the things you will defend yourself against are flaming arrows. These arrows show us our shame, remind us of our secrets, and whispers the lie that God could never love you.

The power of this lie is that it plays on our deepest fear, which is that we want someone to KNOW us, the REAL us and not the person that we pretend to be on a job interview. We want to allow them to see the skeletons that are in the closet but also want that same person to love us.

We’re so afraid that the dream can’t come. That if someone actually knew the real us, saw behind the mask, before the makeup that they would walk away. Our fear is to be known and be rejected. And when those things that we fear keep us from being loved and they are held in front of my face, we believe every bad thing about us.

We try to defend ourselves by putting out a version of ourselves that we think is lovable. We take all the real stuff and put up yellow caution tape and say keep out. We put up the good stuff on Facebook because what will happen if others see all the other stuff? They’ll walk away.

“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative”. Chris Rock

We only show the version of us that we think others might love. We only get out the stuff that we think is worthy of love.

What if someone saw behind the mask? What would someone say if they really know us?

Satan shows you your sin and tells you God doesn’t love you. God shows you His Son and says “Oh yes I do.”

A friend of mine wrote a comment in a Facebook group we’re in and gave me permission to share parts of it here. I feel like it pretty much summarizes what the message on Sunday was saying but with a personal touch.

I stopped dating when I was 19 and didn’t go on another date until I was 23 ( I think?). Guys. Never. Asked. Me. Out. I went on about it kind of ad nauseam on the blog back in the day, and everyone had a reason for it that read kind of like these articles. I was too “picky”, I was too “contentious”, I was too “masculine”, I was too chubby and didn’t care for my physical appearance enough to attract a man. All the guys I knew were *right* not to ask me out because I was, apparently, at 23, a hateful spiteful disgusting hag.

The gross thing is, I *believed* them. I believed it was my fault that no one wanted to go out with me and that the responsibility for it rested squarely on my shoulders. If I were more spiritual, or more beautiful, or less opinionated guys would be into what I was selling.

Between 23 and 25 I began to start rejecting the “theology” that had kept me single for so long. I started Online dating and saying yes to everyone, and I went on a lot of dates with a lot of disappointing men. No, not “they have a blue collar job and that’s beneath me” disappointing. “I can’t carry a conversation” disappointing, “I have no real life plans” disappointing, “I figured it was about time for me to stop being an irresponsible playboy and settle down” disappointing. I thought that these kinds of guys would be the only ones who could ever possibly like or be interested in someone like me, because the message I heard constantly and internalized was “You’re not good enough.” I was beyond settling, I thought I needed to find someone out there who was willing to settle *for* me. “You’re not good enough” resonated with me because it was something that I had internalized a LOT as a bullied child and a young adult who just never felt she could chin up on the adequacy bar. No matter what I did, I always felt like people around me were disappointed. That was baggage I carried into my relationships.

After a four month relationship with “I didn’t finish high school and am dangerously emotionally attached to my mother” disappointing, I started to suspect that there was a common denominator in the kinds of guys who asked me out. — They were guys who wanted to date the kind of woman I was trying to sell myself as. The idyllic quiet, unassuming, unquestioning sweet gentle good Christian girl I was trying to learn to be. They wanted someone who was going to mother them, care for them, make them happy and solve all their problems. The Conservative church had taught me that I was supposed to be a problem solver. My role was to be a “helpmeet” and if I couldn’t live up to whatever that entailed for whatever specific man I was supporting, then I was a failure as a woman. I finally had to come face to face with reality: I could never be that woman.

Thankfully, I had been becoming involved in a less conservative church over the years, with women who reeducated me in who I was. I was loved regardless of my doing, and that my ideas were not less worthy simply because they originated in my female mind. These strong women of faith retaught me to trust my own discernment when it came to seeking out God’s plan for my life. I came out of that season and I began to get a different perspective on dating: What if — instead of waiting on guys who didn’t ask me out to take me on a date, or accepting whatever crumbs might fall off that fundamentalist table — I began to date the kinds of guys *I* wanted to marry? Decent guys with good life plans who shared my goals and interests. So I began to consciously seek those guys out. I worked hard to surround myself not with guys who talked a good “spiritualized” game, but with guys who were engaged in their careers, who set goals for themselves, and who had hobbies and interests beyond impressing people with big talk and being seen at Church and friend events.

All this to say, sometimes we put too much emphasis on the asking. At the end of the day, in any marriage, you both have to learn to make decisions together, as a couple. If you know what you want out of a relationship and you see those qualities in another person, then run after that! There is no biblical mandate that says you can’t. Don’t internalize the story that you are only worth what washes up on the beaches of your life, or you might end up with a bunch of six pack rings and some kelp and a lot of time on your hands.

Well said. Probably better than what I’ll be saying next week, but I’ll still give it a shot.

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Why Do I Blog?

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Sometimes I wonder why I keep blogging.

It’s certainly not for the numbers. Every time someone asks me how many subscribers I have, I don’t like telling them because it’s a really low number. My stats are not amazing. Anytime someone says they have low stats, I want to say “you don’t know low stats.” I do know that a few people read almost everything I post, but otherwise I have no idea who actually reads my blog on a regular basis. While I share new blog posts on social media, unless someone tells me that they read something, I just assume no one reads it. I don’t expect any of my friends to actually read this. There are days when I get really excited about writing a post and I put a lot of time and effort into it only to have nobody even click on the post at all much less read or comment on it.

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It’s not for exposure. I’m not getting famous by doing this. I’m not expecting any of my posts to go viral, for me to get discovered, or for me to get a book deal out of this. Nor am I doing this in order to work on my writing so that I can go somewhere with it. It’d be cool if this could lead towards a job because of my blogging but as of right now that’s not happening.

And contrary to popular belief, this blog is not so I can write about everything that happens in my life. It’s not like I’m waiting around for events to happen so I can talk about them on here.

You may think I’m being completely open on my blog and to some extent I am. But I don’t treat this like a diary and there are a lot of things that I am not going to overshare with the rest of the world. At least not on a public platform like my blog. Therefore if you only read my posts but never actually talk to me, you only have a one-sided view of what I’m really like.

No, the real reason why I started blogging again was because I want others to know that they are not alone.

There’s a difference in wanting to be by yourself and then feeling like you’re alone in what you’re going through.

I know that one of the first things I do when I go through a crisis or situation is to Google it. Because I want to believe that I can’t possibly be the only person that’s going through this situation. Surely there must be someone in the world who knows what I’m going through and I’m not just some freak of nature that this is happening to.

A lot of times however I can’t. And while some of you are perfectly fine in situations where you’re the only person, I know for me it is super hard because I feel like I’m drowning and there is no one who can help me. I don’t like the feeling of being the odd person out in a negative way. When I feel like nobody understands what I’m going through, trying to make things better is a very steep uphill climb.

So with this blog, in case someone happens to stumble up on it, I just want them know they aren’t alone. Whether that’s a someone who suddenly has a completely random thought and is curious if anyone else thought it, or someone who happens to like watching the Olympics AND Doctor Who and wonders if it’s possible to like sports AND be a geek, or if someone is struggling with an issue and worries they are the only ones going through this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

While it doesn’t have the highest amount of hits, the post on my blog that constantly gets viewed every week is my post on Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible. Out of all the posts I’ve written on this blog, every week since I first posted in October, this post is the most searched and most regularly visited. There have been so many variations of the phrase of trusting God in impossible times used in search engines to find that post. Which to me seems that there are many people who feel the same way I did and they want to know what to do and to know that they are not alone in that situation. I don’t know if my blog helps. I’d like to think that what I said has some impact and can give them some reassurance and advice but I’m not sure. What I do know is that for me, every time I see that post appearing in my stats for the day, it helps to remind ME that God is still working in my life and that I need to trust him even when I have no idea how things will work out for myself.

I just feel like I am meant to do this right now. I may feel like stopping at some point but for now this is what I feel like I’m being led to do. Like I’ve said before, I have a story. Several stories actually. And if I can help others somehow with my story and make an impact in their lives, then that’s what I want to continue doing. I’m pretty sure I’m getting better at it and will continue to do more so in the future.

Writing this blog has also helped me a lot. It’s keeping me disciplined and accountable as I’ve kept up with my schedule of posting three times a week. It’s helped me become more creative and allows an outlet for me to let it out. Even if I’m not actively trying to have a writing career, I am writing more and I do believe it is improving. Doing this has also helping me figure out more things about myself. And that’s always a good thing.

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When Someone is Mad at You and You Don’t Know Why

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There’s something that has been bothering me as of late. It’s not really a huge thing. And I know that I will eventually just get over it and move on.

It’s that nagging feeling of when someone appears to be mad at you or stops liking you and you have no idea why.

Truth: I have trouble trying not to be a people pleaser. I’ve gotten a lot better about it than I used to be in the past. Yes, I worry about what people think still but now I realize that I cannot make people happy all the time.

But it’s one thing when I make decisions because I know what’s best for me and if someone doesn’t like it, oh well. It’s completely another thing when apparently you’ve done something to offend someone and you have absolutely no idea why.

It’s really hard to comprehend the sudden 180 degree change in behavior. When someone goes from treating you like family or like a very close friend and everything that comes with that type of relationship to acting cold and distant and ignoring you whenever you try to talk to them, it can be really hard. And it hurts. A lot.

I spent weeks racking my brain trying to figure out what on earth I could have done wrong and I came up with nothing. Did I say something offensive? Did I do an action that was considered rude? Did I make a promise and forgot to keep it? I even tried to chalk it up to maybe they were having a bad day that one time. I know fully well the world does not revolve around me so perhaps it wasn’t my fault that they reacted differently that one time. Maybe there was something going on in their lives that time that was more important than anything I had to say.

But then it kept happening again and again. To the point where the relationship just completely fizzled out. And I still have no idea what on earth happened.

I did try to find out. I sent texts. Called and left messages. Even mailed cards and letters. All my efforts went unanswered So I gave up.

It felt and still feels horrible. I may never know what happened.

The thing is I know that I’ve done everything I can possibly do. If someone truly has become so angry or disgusted with me but they cannot tell me this, then I know it’s on them and not me. If I knew what offense I have done, then I would apologize. But the thing is, I don’t know what it is or even if there is anything to apologize for. Maybe I did do something horrible and am just completely clueless about it. Maybe there is mistaken assumption and in time it’ll be cleared up. Maybe the relationship just ran out its course and the other party just didn’t feel like publicly ending it and this is the only way they know how.

I just don’t know. But what I do know is that I feel like I’ve done everything that I can do. Even though I feel uneasy about this I’ve tried to react in love and show grace towards them. If space and distance is what they want, then I’ll give them that too, though not in a passive aggressive attitude.

I hope in time I’ll understand what happened and that the relationship can be fixed. If there’s anything I can do to clear things up, I hope God shows me my mistakes and what I can do. If it’s truly not me, then I hope that in time, things will become clear and everything makes sense. I also am prepared that the relationship may never be fixed and I may never know this side of heaven what caused the rift in the first place.

Basically all I can do now is just wait (yay) and just see what happens. I can’t force anything.

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I can feel your anger…..

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I got angry at God the other day.

Nothing new. It’s happened before. And before. And before. And before.

Yep. It would appear I get angry with God a lot.

Because I do. I feel God plays favorites. And I am not one of them.

There are days where it feels like this for me

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;

Now, I’m about to do that thing where I tell you that I know what you’re about to say and I’m going to say it before you say it so that YOU know that I know.

Yes, things can always be worse and I should be grateful for what I have and my situation now. Plus there’s Acts 10:34-35.

Ok now that you’re done with that.

I still think God has favorites and I’m not one of them. Oh I know he loves me. I don’t doubt that at all. I know he’s faithful and everything will happen according to his plan. No worries there.

I just think there are some people who will go through life a lot easier than others. There are things that I want to happen, that I’ve been praying for to happen for years. That I’m still waiting on and have no idea if it ever will happen. Meanwhile I watch people left and right keep having everything I want happen to them, even when they aren’t looking for it, and it comes in abundance for them. I feel like no matter what choices I make in my life, they always seem to lead to me having to climb back UP the mountain while I watch people who I know will never have to go through a single trial even close to what I’ve been through.

And it’s not fair.

Well, life isn’t fair, you say. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others.

Sure you can say that. And I can tell you right back to shut your face.

Yeah, I said that. And I can still be angry at God. Do you know why? God can take it.

I used to be scared when I was growing up that if I were to tell God that I was angry or hurt, he’d kill me immediately. So for years, I lived in fear bottling up my emotions especially anger. To this day, I’m still not good at letting myself be angry because I am always afraid at showing true emotions to people because I feel they’ll tell me I’m just being over emotional or overreacting. And for me to show real feelings to God, while I’m getting better, is still hard because I feel like he could get irritated to me and have something worse to happen to make me shut up and be grateful.

The funny part though is whenever I get angry with God and I let him know, I don’t draw away from him. Instead I find myself drawing closer to him.

My favorite book in the entire Bible is Psalms. Paul is all good and everything for teaching but David is my emo boy who gets me. And there are MANY passages in the Bible where David cries out at God, accuses God of leaving him, gets downright furious with him. But David always knows that God has not truly abandoned him and that He is still with him.

Often when we’re angry, we either ignore God because we think we’re not allowed to talk to God that way, or we reject God because we think He’s not allowed to act that way. Either way, we must discipline ourselves to cry out to God from exactly the place where we find ourselves, or we might as well not cry out at all.

That’s it. We don’t need to figure out how we’re “supposed” to feel, we just need to do all we can to say, even through the gritting of teeth: “Here I am. Here’s why I hurt. Help.” Then you walk together, in a relationship, navigating the long ride home.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/can-i-be-mad-god#sgkcIbpvYoYQEmIk.99

The thing with me is that I know the truth. I know that God has not left me and still has some plan for me. And it may not even be during this lifetime that I get to see all of it. So yeah, I can be very logical and rational because I know all this. But there are times when I will get angry and I will get frustrated at God. And I’m just going to let it out.

You won’t be able to give me the answers I want and your pithy sayings won’t comfort me. Neither will your condescending attitude of what I should or shouldn’t be doing. If I ever come to you and I’m angry at God, just listen to me. That’s all you need to do.

Just sometimes it’s best to let out the emotion. And I truly believe that God understands it when you do.

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That Night God Heard Me and He Answered

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I talk a lot about prayer on here. And many times about unanswered prayer and how there’s a lot of trusting in God involved. But I always seem to give just the first half of the story and you’re left hanging. Here’s a story that does have a part 2.

There once was a weekend where I had a really rough time. The Friday night of that week, I stayed at home. I don’t mind doing this every now and then. I can read, watch a movie, just sort of relax, and not worry about going out. The problem though was that I also hadn’t left the house at all during the day. Heck, I had barely even left my room. So I had gone over 24 hours without seeing or having any contact with another human being. Introverts would have killed to have been in my shoes that day. As an extrovert, I was dying.

The Saturday rolled around. I still hadn’t heard a word from any of my friends or pretty much anyone in general. Now most folks would probably just either 1) go and contact people themselves or 2) go do their own thing. But me being me, I have this rather stupid theory in my head that I get sometimes that if people really wanted to be around me, they would have already contacted me. They have their own lives already (especially those who are married or have kids) and they can only fit me in when they are able to or if they want to. I’m not really afraid of rejection when asking folks to do something but it’s still hard for me to do it. Therefore if people haven’t asked me out, I figure they don’t want me that night. Stupid and petty yes, but this is what runs through my mind.

So as I said, Saturday had come and I hadn’t heard a thing from anyone. I didn’t want to face yet another night of not seeing a single person again but at that point, I just figured everyone was busy and no one wanted me. And it felt really lonely. Like down at the bottom of the pit with no hope of being rescued lonely. There are some of you who may think I’m being over dramatic but if you’ve never felt this way, I can’t really describe it for you. It’s just really awful. I knew I didn’t want to stay in the pit but I didn’t know how to get out.

I spent the next hour both crying and praying. I kept alternating between being angry with God for making me like this and putting me in the situation but then immediately trying to fight those feelings because I knew they WEREN’T from God and my weak spots were being attacked. It was an emotional and spiritual struggle that was happening inside of me

Here’s an excerpt from my journal that night:

I feel like my prayers have gone unanswered. Why bother even praying for the big things when God won’t even answer a prayer of feeling tonight like I’m not forgotten. All I want right now is just ONE person to call, text, gchat, Facebook message, email. Just get a hold of me and tell me “Hey Deborah. I was just wanted to say hey.” Even if they can’t physically hang out, I just want to know what I wasn’t forgotten!

But God can’t even give me that. And I’m so tempted to turn away right now. I’m so tempted to reject him because I am hurt. And I’m constantly feeling hurt. It’s so tempting right now. Why does God hate me so much? What have I done that is so horrible, that is worse than everyone else and yet they have everything? Yes, I know things aren’t 100% perfect for them. I realize their lives have troubles as well, things that I would probably be grateful I don’t have to worry about right now.

But Lord, I hate this so much. I really do. It hurts so much God. I’m hurting. Please help me Lord. Please don’t turn away from me Lord. Please let me know. Please reveal to me that I’m loved. Please remind me that you love me and haven’t forgotten about me. Lord please. I am so weak right now. I need your strength. I need you Lord.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me for I am lonely and afflicted. Remove the troubles of my heard and free me from my anguish. Look to my affliction and to my distress and take away all my sin.”

“I call on your name Lord from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea, Do not close your ears to my cries for relief. You came near when I called and you said Do Not Fear. ”

Don’t abandon me Lord. Help me Stay. Please Lord. Please.

After I wrote that, I closed my journal, stopped crying, and went on YouTube to watch some clips of the Simpsons to make me feel better. I kid you not, less than 5 minutes later, I get a Gchat from a very close friend saying “Hey”. This was without me messaging anyone previously. I reply back “Hey.” Then they responded back, “I just wanted to say hey to you.” That’s when I knew that God had immediately answered my prayer. Because this person normally wouldn’t have done this. Especially on a Saturday night. This was a rare thing that I knew was God answering me because I had prayed.

And not only did God just answer it, He went above and beyond fulfilling it because I ended up hanging out with my friend that night all without my having to prompt or try to make it happen myself. And the Lord showed me I wasn’t forgotten and I was cared about. Yes, by my friend but more so, I knew that night God had heard me and He answered me. It was like “See Deborah, I haven’t forgotten about you. I love you so much. Even for what other people may think is a small thing, I know for you this is what you need and want. So let me show you how much I love you by answering this and doing even more than that so you know I AM the Lord.”

I’m writing this here to tell you, God answers prayers. Sometimes you can’t really tell if your prayer has been answered. Sometimes God really does close the door and say no. Sometimes He tells you to wait. But then there are times when he does answer you. And He makes sure that you know it’s from him. And to Him, nothing is petty or unworthy of asking him for help no matter what you’re feeling. Even if everyone else in the world would look down on you for what you’re going through, the Lord doesn’t think that. So NEVER feel like you can’t go to God. Yell at Him. Tell Him how you really feel. Don’t be afraid for Him to know what you are really going through.

You need to be broken before He can really work in you. Be broken. Let Him heal and restore you.

This song helped me that night. It’s probably going to have more meaning to me now anytime I hear it.

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The Impossible Girl

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The past few years I’ve had themes to describe how the year went for me. The name of the year has a geeky reference but it also perfectly describes how I felt throughout the year.

In 2012, I was “The Girl on Fire“. Much like Katniss, everything was going well for me that year. Other than a couple of weeks where it just kinda sucked, I was having the best year of my life. Almost everything went the way I had hoped and I was the happiest I had been in years.

In 2013, I was “The Girl Who Waited.” Like Amy Pond, I sat there and I waited. I was waiting on God, I was waiting on people, I was waiting for things to happen. I felt a lot of times like I was forgotten because I had been waiting for so long.

It’s taken me several months to figure out what this year was going to be. Obviously I had to wait to see how the year goes before I could categorize the year. Five months in and I think I’ve figured it out. 2014 is the year of me being “The Impossible Girl.”

For all you non Doctor Who fans out there, The Impossible Girl is referring to Clara Oswald, one of the Doctor’s companions. To make a very long and complex story short, Clara shouldn’t have happened. She’s basically born to save The Doctor. It’s impossible for her to exist and yet there she is.

(Picture credit: http://ambrixmuse.deviantart.com/art/You-are-my-impossible-girl-372965800)

So how do I take that and have it refer to me? Because right now, I feel like I shouldn’t exist. And yet here I am. Everything I want for my life hasn’t happened yet. Everything I hope for keeps being out of reach for me. I don’t understand it. I feel like nothing that should be happening is. And I’m getting frustrated.

It’s like everything I want, God keeps putting JUST out of reach for me. He keeps allowing me to have hope only to take that hope away from me. And it’s very easy and tempting to start becoming angry at God. People (and myself) keep saying that if it hasn’t happened then it’s because it’s not the right timing for it. That God has a reason for this and I need to just trust in his timing.

Truth:  I’m tired of this. I’m tired of getting my hopes up repeatedly only to have them crashing down. I’m tired of hoping anymore because it HURTS when things don’t happen. I’d sometimes rather just not have the hope at all. I feel like my entire life has been pointless, yes even with everything that I’ve written about here on my blog. Because what is the point of hoping when things NEVER come through.

There are two things in my life that I really want. Two things that every person in this world wants at least one of. And for whatever reason, God keeps withholding those two things from me. And right now, I don’t know why. I know everything you’re going to tell me. That it’s not my fault. That God has his reasons. That the timing isn’t right. That something better is ahead. And I believe all this. I know all this is true. And I have to fight all the doubts and insecurities that are trying to creep in right now. I know the promises that God has made. And I believe that he will keep them.

But in a moment of complete vulnerability, I do feel like I’m not good enough. That something MUST be wrong with me. That I keep either getting rejected or passed over or ignored. And I feel like I have done everything to better myself and it’s still not working for either case. And at this point, I don’t understand why God hates me and keeps rewarding everyone else instead. Because that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s like because I want these things so badly, that God doesn’t want me to have them for some reason. And I wish that he would just remove these desires so that I could do exactly what he wanted me to do instead of hoping for things that will never happen. And people who don’t even want these things keep getting them over and over again. So I just don’t understand why God keeps making everything impossible for me.

PAUSE

Ok funny thing: I wrote the above section earlier in the afternoon when I feeling very low. Obviously you can tell based on what I was saying by my emotional writing. I then remember vaguely praying for the Lord to help me and then just sort of forgetting about it and just wanting to get through the rest of the night. And then God answered my prayer in a way I wasn’t expecting. In fact he went far and above what I was expecting. To the point where I feel maybe not 100% better but at least 95% better than I did this afternoon. I was actually smiling and laughing tonight.

It made me realize that even though I really don’t know why things happen/don’t happen, God does. Not only that, but he also provides what you need when you need it and even if you don’t think you need it. Just like today for me. Even though I hate having my hopes crashed, it is good to have hope and the Lord gave me hope again today. I have to be careful how I handle that hope but at the same time I am able to hope again.

So back to me being “The Impossible Girl” for 2014: I feel that there are things this year that just seem impossible and I’m going to trust God with those impossible things. Because he has told me time and time again that I need to trust him. And he has made promises to me and told me that I need to just let go of all anxiety and fear. I need to just believe that he is fully capable of making those promises, no matter how impossible, come true. And even though it seems like it can’t happen and it shouldn’t happen, because I know they are promises from the Lord, they WILL happen. But if I don’t trust or believe, if I let my faith become shattered because of my doubt then everything is a lie.

God is passionately and intimately aware of every detail that you’re going through right now. He’s paying attention to your every breath. Nothing misses God’s attention. You may not understand why you’re going through what you’re going through, but you need to say this to God: “I know you’re good; I know you’re loving; I know you’re powerful; I know you notice the details of my life; I know you’re in control; I know you have a plan; I know you will protect me.” Then, you need to trust God — no matter what. Whatever you’re going through, tell God exactly how you feel. He can handle it! Accept help from others. Stop asking “why,” and start trusting God for the things you don’t understand. (http://purposedriven.com/blogs/dailyhope/what-to-do-when-it-makes-no-sense)

I’ve said before I want God to use me and my story. And I believe that he will take my situation, these seemingly impossible situations, and use them for His glory. I am The Impossible Girl this year because to everyone else, these things shouldn’t happen. But to the Lord, nothing is impossible with him. Just hang in there. Wait. Trust. And it will be good.

If there’s a passage in Scripture that can sum up how 2014 is and will be for me this is it:

Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:17-19a)

8

That Time that God Hit Me in the Head

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Today’s blog post is inspired by a writing prompt from SheReadsTruth. Currently they are in the middle of a devotional about “ the life of Christ from His resurrection to His ascension” and how the story doesn’t just end after Easter. Last Friday they asked us this question: 

What holds you back from being available for commissioned moments? When have you experienced a commissioned moment and how did you witness God’s supernatural power at work? 

Photo credit: SheReadsTruth

For the past few years since my marriage ended, I’ve been praying a lot more and my relationship with God has improved a gazillion percent of how it used to be. He’s proven time and time again how if I just trust him then he will be faithful. If I just have faith, he will come through. I have been praying a lot more since then and now, not a day goes by when I don’t have at least one small conversation with God.

Since becoming more aware of this, I’ve been asking God to use me more. I know that even when I moments of self-doubt and uncertainty, God sees me someone worth sending his son to die for. Therefore I AM worthy and I am so grateful that he did that. And I want him to use me and use my story to help others if I can. But because of those moments of being afraid and being worried about what other people will think, I usually don’t want to follow through on that nudge or instinct.

Except there was this one time where I couldn’t ignore it.

I’ve mentioned this briefly before on my blog but it’s still one of my favorite stories to tell so I’ll tell it again. I’m not going to go completely into detail here out of respect for the privacy of others but if you know me in person, I’ll tell you the entire thing again.

Right about the time when my marriage started ending, God brought other people in my life that I needed but didn’t realize at the time. I had hidden what was really going on for the past year to the point that no one outside of family realized that anything was really wrong. But God put certain people in my life to help me open up and see that I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to go through all this alone. One of these people seemed rather unremarkable when we first met but then we soon realized that we had way more in common and were basically like kindred spirits.

It was through this friendship that God put all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that neither of us realized. One day on a way to a friend’s softball game, we were talking in the car about random stuff and somehow the conversation got changed to talking about another friend who had gone through hardships and how you never realized it because they hid it on the outside. And how that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

That’s when it happened. See we hadn’t really talked about why my marriage was ending at this point. I hadn’t brought it up at all because I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was a very messy situation that brought a lot of pain and I just wanted to not bring it up and make everyone else feel uncomfortable as well. But as I was driving, it was at that moment where I heard God tell me “Tell your story.” And I sat there (while my friend was still talking because believe me they can go on forever and not realize I was having weird expressions on my face) and argued back with God, “No! I don’t want to about it.” God responded again with “Tell your story.” And I argued back, “Why? I barely know this person. We’ve been friends for two weeks. Some of my friends who have known me for years still have no idea.” God replied back, this time as I felt a physical slight push on the back of my head, “Trust me.” My response again, “God I don’t know.” Then God literally poked me in the head to the point where I felt my head move forward and my friend noticed.

And so, I told my story. It was the first time I had told anyone the entire story. And I used words and phrases to describe what happened for the first time. At the time, I had no idea why I was even using those words. And I didn’t know why at all I was telling my story. I ended up talking so much that I missed our turn to the softball field. When I was done, the response was like “Oh, um thanks for sharing that.” And I mentally said to God “Why did I do that?” and he responded “Wait. Trust me.” I felt slightly awkward but I knew I had no other choice but to do so. (And thus began how I became “The Girl Who Waited” while “Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible“.

Though it felt like forever, two weeks later, my friend finally told me their story. And as I sat there listening, I understood now why God had me tell my story. Because they needed to hear it from me first. They needed to know as well that they were not alone. That someone else had gone through what they did and could tell the next steps of what to do. And God knew all this. He had planned this entire moment to happen the way it did for this reason. And if I had ignored him and didn’t obey, I don’t know what would have happened. Perhaps somebody else could have done the same thing. But the thing is, God chose me. He wanted ME to do this. He planned that moment to happen exactly when it did because it was the best for BOTH of us. And since that conversation, I have seen so many good things come out of it. I’ve seen so many people positively affected by this one tiny act. It’s been really awesome.

A lot of people could write off the whole thing as a coincidence but I don’t. There’s a bunch of things that make this whole thing not a coincidence. Timing, situations, people having to meet people. There are so many small details that had to have taken place in order for us to meet that it’s one of those “God things” where only he could have made this work.

It’s because of this that God’s placed it on my heart to pray for my friend daily. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even when I get angry with them. Even when I’ve been hurt by them. God’s shown me the power of prayer through this and what happens when I don’t believe that it actually works. And I don’t know how long I’ll keep praying specifically for them. I don’t know if I will ever see the fruits of my prayer or I’m just supposed to plant the seed. I just know that I am obeying God because he wants me to do this.

I have seen God work so much in this. He’s told me to trust him. He’s answered a lot of prayers. Even when it gets rough, because of everything that has taken place, I have faith in him for what is yet to come. I’ve seen how God has used me and my story and how from the utterly awful mess, He’s created something beautiful out of it. And when I tell people about all this, I know it’s because God wanted me to.

So keep using me and my story, Lord.

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Athazagoraphobia (say that 5 times fast)

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I went to go see the movie Divergent with a friend the other day. I read the book when it first came out so I thought it was an alright adaptation. I felt things transferred well from book to screen. (Aside: Dauntless has the best outfits. Black is always very chic.) The scenes that stuck out the most was when Tris is tested with her worst fears and has to figure out how she will face them as well as also discovering what Four’s fears were. And it made me think about what I would be facing if I were to go through that test. (or God forbid a boggart)

I know I would probably see a bunch of Ronald McDonalds as well as dying by being crushed by a steamroller (thank you Who Framed Roger Rabbit for this fear). Perhaps being in complete darkness or rats with really long tails would show up too. But I know definitely what would be in that test would be the fear of being forgotten.

I don’t mean after I die if people forget about me. Hopefully I have a good legacy and I’ve made some impact on this world that I’m not completely wiped out from memory the moment I depart from this earth. No, that doesn’t bother me because I know where I’ll be after I die and what happens on earth after that will not be of concern to me.

No, what I’m afraid of is something happens to me RIGHT NOW and I died, and no one knew. For years. This is what happens when you’re single and read news reports of people dying and no one knowing they were missing.

Out of sight, out of mind.

When I read about how people accidentally die IN THEIR HOME and they aren’t found for months, even years that really scares me. Did not a single person think to go check up on them? Did these people not have friends? Did they not have family nearby? Did they have so little impact on this world that not a single person cared to see what happened to them?

I know I have this fear because I’m single. I don’t have anyone constantly keeping track of where I am. I could go on a drive and disappear and no one would know. I’ve been tempted to just stop posting on Facebook, Twitter, all the rest of my social media, not answer my phone,  and just disappear to see if anyone would notice. Part of me is terrified to do this because I’m afraid that no one would. The funny part is that I have had friends who have done this. They purposely wanted to disappear and when I did try to contact them, they actually got annoyed that I did because they wanted to be left alone. You just can’t win can you?

However, I realize that this is a completely selfish fear. I know this. And I know this because I think about this song.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone

I don’t have to choose to isolate myself. As an extrovert, that would actually kill me faster to force myself to be alone all the time. Spiritually, I know I’m not alone. And physically, I can choose to not be a hermit. I mean, hopefully people would discover me after 5 days?

In the meantime, that’s also a good reminder for me to check in with other people. Just to see how they’re doing. Even if people are complete introverts and have horrible social anxiety, I would like to believe that one still wants to know that at least there is someone out there who cares to see how you’re doing. I just need to not fear.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

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Living on a Prayer

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This past Sunday at church, my pastor finished up his series on prayer. The takeaway from the message was “Why does all hell break loose when we try to enter into prayer? Because prayer is war, and the lack of prayer is nothing less than a declaration of independence from God.”

And it’s so true. When one prays, you get distracted a lot. Random stuff pops up in your head and you get distracted. You feel it can get boring. You get tired. You never seem to find the time to do it. Sometimes you just don’t want to do it at all. But prayer is how we connect with God.

There have been times in my life when I’ve felt God telling me that I need to pray with him. Not AT him. But with him. Because he wants to share that time with me. And usually he’ll make it so I’m basically forced to do it and there’s no way to get out of it. I’ve mentioned this before but my best prayer times usually happen when I’m driving in rush hour traffic. When you’re sitting there not moving, there are no distractions to keep you from talking to God.

Two years ago today, I started a prayer journal that I kept for a week based around a specific prayer. Now I’d been journaling on and off for a while but never had I kept a journal specifically for prayer. That week however I was going through a very emotional time that was causing me to question a lot of things. And there was much fear and confusion. I felt like God was pushing at me to come closer to him instead of withdrawing because of the uncertainty.

And then one morning on my commute to work, I prayed and I just talked to God and let it all out. People next to me probably thought I was crazy because it looked like I was talking to myself. I didn’t care. This is what I recorded later.

4/16 – Day 1 – Surrender

I’m really not sure why I am doing this but this idea came to me while praying so I have a feeling that God wants me to write down my thoughts, fears, hopes, etc.  during this week.  I have never really kept a prayer journal so I don’t know if I am doing the right thing but if God wants me to have a record of this then I am sure that I will end up saying the right things.

Right now I’m listening to “Your Love Never Fails”…which is one of my go to songs when I am feeling down but it’s a REALLY good song about trusting in God and knowing he never leaves you.  “You make all things work together for my good” is the lyric that is now standing out to me the most.  In that God is working everything together behind the scenes even though I have no idea what is going on.

And right now I have a lot of fears regarding this upcoming week.  I have no idea what is going to happen.  I cannot see how anything good can come out of this week.

I am surrendering everything regarding this situation over to you God. I am scared, terrified, afraid, worried but you know what? I trust you in all this.  You know exactly what is going on, what will happen.  You know my fears.  You know everything that is going on in our hearts and minds right now as I type this.  I cannot control anything.  I have to turn it all over to you.

But as I was saying, I really think that God wants me to do this.  It doesn’t seem possible, and I am severely doubting this, but I feel that God is telling me that if I can trust in him this week and give myself over to him then the outcome will be good.  I don’t know exactly what that means but that’s how I feel.  And yet at the same time, I am like, there is NO WAY anything good can come out of this week!  so it’s this mass of conflictedness where I am trusting God completely with unknown results.  and i am TERRIFIED!!!!!!  but you know what? God is good. He has yet to fail me and i do not believe he is going to start now (or ever).  so i am praying to surrender.  give up this fear, doubt, uncertainty and turn it over completely to God.

my goal for this journal is to write about my prayers for the next 7 days.  i need to be consistent in doing this.  they don’t have to be long entries but do need to be honest and written from the heart. therefore when I look back on this in the future, no matter what the outcome is, i want to see how my faith grew.  it’s almost like a challenge that I am taking God up on.  i honestly believe that in one week, when i read this again things will be different. and for the better.  This is the most I have ever done in my spiritual walk with God.  And as scared and terrified as i am, I am also excited for the outcome.

 

Then over the course of the next few days, God and I had a lot of praying time over issues such as trust, blessings, clarity/wisdom, self worth, and fears. By spending each morning praying with him and having no distractions, I felt God really speaking to me and working in my life. I discovered scripture that I had never really noticed before that suddenly had an impact in my life. As a music lover, I found songs that matched the topic of each day perfectly. I thought I was going to spend the week praying for someone else. Instead I spent the entire week learning more about myself and my own relationship with God.

4/22 – Day 7 – Acceptance

Well here we are.  The evening of the last day of this challenge.  Wow it’s been quite the week.  Seriously it’s been very interesting.  It’s been totally a week where I have put God first and not anything else.  It’s been crazy how different my entries have been since when I first started.  Looking back, that first entry is filled with terror. I totally remember how I was feeling that day and before.  I was scared to death.  And now…I have to accept whatever comes my way.

Oh Lord, please help me right now.  I need to trust in you.  i can’t do this without you.  I want to do this but I have to have faith in you.  That you will guide me in the right direction and you know what is best for me.  Even though I can’t see it now or in the future, you do.  You are the everlasting God.  You love me more than anything.  Help me learn to trust in you completely.  Help me learn to put what is important first.

I think it is time for me to go to bed.  Whatever tomorrow brings, it is your will Lord.  And I will accept it.  Thank you for everything.

Two years later, I’m rereading over those entries and I see how God answered those prayers. And how that very night after I went to bed slightly scared and worried but still trusting in him, when I woke up the next morning God answered one of my prayers as if he was saying “See, you have nothing to be afraid of.” Ever since then, prayer isn’t difficult for me anymore. And while there will be always ups and downs, I will always have this physical record for me to look back and remember how God answered my prayers.

2

Want. Ask. Receive?

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This past week I was watching my favorite miniseries of all time, Jesus of Nazareth. Even though I own it on DVD, I was super excited to find out that it was on Netflix. But then I got really irritated because for unknown reasons, they chose a version that is edited a lot, like over an hour of stuff missing. Luckily, I happened to find another (legal) version online. If you haven’t seen it, it’s magnificent. There are so many classic movie stars that have guest roles and the actor that plays Jesus is spectacular. The movie keeps very close to Scripture, though there are some changes and they do leave things out, but I don’t find this a problem at all. And fun fact, the Monty Python movie Life of Brian used the same sets when they filmed their movie.

Anyways while I was watching, one of the scenes seemed to jump out at me. It involved Jesus speaking to the crowds basically telling them this passage:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11)

So that got me thinking. The Lord gives us what we ask for, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to get everything that we want. I’ve reached the age where I now have several friends who are parents and I’m watching them handle their children. Even when their child is yelling and begging for something, the parents don’t necessarily give it to them because they know what’s best for their child. Sure it might make the kid hate the parent for a little bit and be very angry at them, but that doesn’t mean that they have to have it at the moment. There are many reasons why they weren’t given what they wanted: it wasn’t time yet for it, it wasn’t meant for them to have, it’s not safe, they weren’t meant to have it at all. The parent, because they are wiser, is making choices that is best for their child even though the child doesn’t realize it at the moment.

And that’s what happens in the rest of our lives. We can pray and beg God to have something happen because we really want it to. And we’re convinced that it’s best for us and surely God can see how getting this will be absolutely beneficial to everyone. When we don’t get it, we get angry at God because he didn’t allow it to happen.

There’s been many times in my life when I just get flat out frustrated with God because I don’t understand why things aren’t going the way I want. I have many questions that I ask him. “What will happen? Why am I going through this? What do I do? What do you want me to do?” And I can’t understand why he’s making me go through certain things. But as the Scripture says, if a parent who is imperfect knows what is best for their child, shouldn’t I trust that my Heavenly Father who IS perfect knows what’s best for me? If I’m going to place my faith and trust in him, then I should understand and realize that my wants and desires may not always be what God knows that I need.

The hard part can be when it’s not clear at the moment why I can’t have that desire but eventually “peace comes not from knowing what lies ahead, but knowing that God is the same before, during and after whatever it is.” (http://www.boundless.org/faith/2009/god-told-me)

And who says movies are only good for mindless entertainment and don’t get you to ponder things?