Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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Reading updates, TFIOS…..and a book giveaway!

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I’ve been on a major reading kick lately. I know some of you still think that I read nonstop all the time like I used to but nope, that’s not true at all. I’ll do that thing where I read voraciously for a week and then I don’t want to read anything for two. I’m still trying to make my goal of 225 books for 2014 but I’ve only read 66 so I’m starting to think I might not make it.

I fully realize that reading is not about numbers or merely trying to get your TBR stack down. I’m reading books I actually do want to read. So right now that means a lot of Christian fiction, young adult fiction, and contemporary women’s fiction. I never feel the need anymore to defend what I read. I used to. Especially when I was book blogging because sometimes I felt like I wasn’t reading more heavy stuff like other bloggers. But I’ve since learned that it’s perfectly fine to read whatever I want to read. I’m still learning from my books and I don’t feel the need to try to impress anyone anymore. Not everyone will have my tastes and you know what? That’s perfectly ok. You can throw me all the dubious looks you want.

Speaking of young adult fiction, I saw The Fault In Our Stars last night at an advanced showing. I haven’t read the book but I sorta knew what was going to happen. I know shocking right? Normally, I never see a movie without reading the book first but I’ve actually never even read a single John Green book before either. *ducks from all the flying tomatoes*

I’m not going to spoil anything for those who haven’t read the book or still want to see the movie but I sobbed like a baby. If you’ve seen the trailer or even just the poster, I mean it’s story about teenagers in love and there’s cancer involved. I want to go back and read the book now because I thought the movie was really well done. It felt authentic and not trying to force feelings on you. Throughout the theater you kept hearing the sniffles. I do enjoy a good movie cry and this one was a good stupid cry. That is once I got over the fact that it wasn’t Tris and Caleb being incestuous with each other. Also, Shailene Woodley’s hair is incredible; when my hair was that short, it NEVER looked that good.

If you’ve read down this far, then congrats and you’re about to be rewarded with…. a book giveaway!

Do you like beach-y fiction? Do you like contemporary women’s fiction? Do you need a vacation read?

Thanks to the author, I’m able to giveaway an ARC (advanced reader’s copy) of The House on Mermaid Point by Wendy Wax. (Berkely Trade, July 2014)

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Book synopsis: In this new novel from the author of Ten Beach Road and Ocean Beach, three unlikely friends who were thrown together by disaster get a do-over on life, love, and happiness . . .

Maddie, Avery, and Nikki first got to know one another—perhaps all too well—while desperately restoring a beachfront mansion to its former grandeur. Now they’re putting that experience to professional use. But their latest project has presented some challenges they couldn’t have dreamed up in their wildest fantasies—although the house does belong to a man who actually was Maddie’s wildest fantasy once . . .

Rock-and-roll legend “William the Wild” Hightower may be past his prime, estranged from his family, and creatively blocked, but he’s still worshiped by fans—which is why he guards his privacy on his own island in the Florida Keys. He’s not thrilled about letting this crew turn his piece of paradise into a bed-and-breakfast for a reality show . . . though he is intrigued by Maddie. Hard as that is for her to believe as a newly single woman who can barely manage a dog paddle in the dating pool.

But whether it’s an unexpected flirtation with a bona fide rock star, a strained mother-daughter relationship, or a sudden tragedy, these women are in it together. The only thing that might drive them apart is being trapped on a houseboat with one bathroom . . .

I’ve read all of Wendy’s books before and each one I’ve really enjoyed. They are perfect summertime reads!

To enter, fill out this form below and I’ll choose and email the winner next Friday. Good luck!

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The Best Way to Clear Your Mind

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I took a walk tonight.

I know. That sounds ….thrilling. But it’s really amazing how much it helps.

I have had a lot going on in my mind over the past few days and I just needed to get out of my room and out of my head. I decided to took a 2 mile walk. I didn’t jog or run. Just walked. It’s been rather cool over the past few days and I know that soon the heat and humidity will come. So I just enjoyed a nice casual but brisk walk around my neighborhood.

It was good to get away from the computer screen and just be by myself for a while. I did take my phone in case of emergency but I wasn’t constantly on it. I just wanted to spend time gaining clarity and letting my mind get clear from all the things that have been running through my head lately.

If you happened to pass me as I walking, you may have thought I was slightly nuts because I was talking to myself but really I was praying. For me, I find it better for me to pray out loud because it gives me a better sense of what I want to say to God.

The other night I was unable to go to sleep due to feeling very emotionally restless about something to the point where I started crying in bed. Since I was unable to go to sleep, I got up and went online to read some devotions and the Bible. Lo and behold the very first devotion I pulled up was just based on this verse: “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(Nehemiah 8:10b) And I’m like “Lord, are you kidding me? It’s like you knew.” I then just started praying a lot and about an hour later, I was finally able to go to sleep.

The next morning, I look up another devotional site I visit and for that day, the post was simply asking people to tell them in the comments what they were struggling with and needed prayer for, and then asked everyone to pray for each other. So I left a comment and I felt very blessed to know that there were people praying for me at that moment from all over the world. Again, it felt like God knew that I was going to need that.

Therefore I know that God will provide me with what I need when I need it, even when I don’t realize it. And what I needed tonight was just a clear mind and wisdom. I wanted to make sure that what was going on with me now was not something controlled by emotions or being swayed by what seemed rational at the moment. Being trapped in one’s own head can lead to disastrous results and I needed to have clarity before making any decisions.

My walk did just that. I felt all fuzzy headed when I started and by the time I got back I felt at peace. It was a lovely talk with God with no distractions and also felt good about myself. I was able to pray without distractions and I felt God lifting the confusion. Basically I let him know how I felt, what I would like for him to do, and that I was just going to let things go and let him handle it and I was going to choose not to worry about it.

Interestingly since I got back, he’s already answered one of those requests.

So yeah, take a walk. It’ll do you good.

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All the Small Things

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It’s been a crazy past few weeks in my life lately. Lots of ups and downs. Unexpected surprises. Anticipated downsides. Basically I feel like I’ve been living on a roller coaster lately. And I’m a lovely combination of being mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted.

However even with all the crazy that is going on in my life, I still managed to find several silver linings.

Disclaimer: Since I don’t have kids and I’m not married, the only thing I can really brag about is myself at the moment. And I as I normally hate talking about good things that happen to me because I’m worried about what others think, this is rather rare. So if anyone feels the need to tell me I’m talking too much about myself, keep it to yourself. (kthanksbye)

I woke up on Tuesday morning to the best news ever….I won tickets to see Josh Groban! There had been a contest from the venue’s location  to name your favorite JG song and I entered with saying about how I hadn’t really listened to his music until this past year and yay for “False Alarms.” Didn’t think at all that I’d win. And then boom I did. The really awesome part was that I was totally expecting lawn seats because why would they give away seats that people would pay more money for? Then I got the tickets in the mail.

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These are actual seats! In the balcony! This is pretty frakking awesome!

And yes, I did buy tickets to see him for the night before as well. I don’t need to defend myself at all. But right now, knowing that I’m going to have back to back nights of Josh Groban in my life is exactly what I need. Also he’ll be the host of (yet) another reality music competition show on TV this summer. So even if I don’t care about the music, I can have Josh Groban on my TV every week during the summer!

The winning streak continued later that day because then I won a Twitter contest from Noodles and Company.

Then on Wednesday, I got a text from Chick Fil-A saying I could get free chicken nuggets that day. Yay! Free lunch!

While I was there, I received an email from my favorite movie theater telling me that as a rewards member I got the chance to be the first to RSVP for an advance screening of The Fault in Our Stars. Oh and that it was free as well. Free movie??? BOOM, I RSVPed immediately. And the RSVPs filled up fast so I was extremely lucky to get one when I did. I feel like I should feel bad because I haven’t read the book yet but you know what, I’m not going to. I’m really excited.

I may write another post about how I seem to have good luck when winning contests. It appears that I do.

On Thursday, I was FINALLY able to get my bridesmaid’s dress in as this has been a huge source of worry for the past few weeks. And the alterations are going to be a lot cheaper than I expected, so yay! Plus that day I found out I will be receiving for review from Amazon, a very nice set of pots and pans which makes me really excited because I love to cook and these will be awesome for that.

Then this weekend was the bachelorette party for the wedding I’ll be in. And it was rather awesome. Spending time with some of my best girl friends was exactly what I needed. I can also now take a breather from wedding duties as I had planned the shower and the bachelorette weekend and now I’m all good until the actual wedding next month.

There’s still a lot of stuff going on in my life that I both need to figure out and also just turn over to God. But it’s really great to know that there are still good things in life that I can find joy in.

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The one achievement that will never be unlocked

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There is one area of geek fandom that I desperately have always wanted to be a part of but I never will. No, not anime or RPGs. While those are fine and dandy, I’ve tried them and while they are interesting, those just aren’t for me.

Nope, what I really wish I could do but can’t is play video games.

Growing up, my parents wouldn’t buy us any video game system. We were supposed to be focused more on our studies and any leisure time was supposed to be spent doing more studying or reading for pleasure. Video games were expensive and a waste of time. The only time I ever got to play them as a young child was when my sisters and I visited my cousin’s house and eagerly played Super Mario/Duckhunt. (Confession: because of my limited time playing Super Mario, I still have not passed the third level. Of the first game. I know. I know.)

When I got to school, everyone had video games. All the boys loved them. They brought their Gameboys and Game Gears on field trips, their Nintendo magazines and game guides were read illegally during class, and were always bragging what new games they got and what new achievements they reached. I was the weird girl who instead of being all “Boys and their silly video games” was more like “I want to join!”.

But I couldn’t. Not because I didn’t have access to games. Nope. It’s because…I GET STUPID MOTION SICKNESS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

Yes this is a problem that I have to face. I cannot play or watch certain video games without actually having to go throw up and then feeling like I want to die. Anything that is first person (most shooting games) or where the camera spins around while the person has to look for something, I cannot handle. I watched my friends play Portal one night (a game I would love to try out) and it was absolutely horrible. I pretty much spent the rest of the night dry heaving with severe nausea. I love playing Mario Kart but if we try just one round on Rainbow Road, my night is over.

Basically this is me:

It’s horribly embarrassing that this happens. It’s one thing to get motion sickness when in a car (and yet I can ride roller coasters with no problem whatsoever) but when watching/playing video games? While I do know some people who are the same way, it seems really rare among gamers. I’m going to assume that either a) they suck it up or b) it really is rare. I even googled “video games motion sickness” and I found an article that said this

“Getting motion sickness while playing videogames affects a lot of people, yet it seems almost like a taboo to talk about among gamers because you might not be seen as “hardcore” since you can’t play certain things.”

There are games that I CAN play and do enjoy. You may ask, what is a game that you like AND can play? One that comes to mind is Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. I was introduced to that game about two years ago and had such a blast playing it. It didn’t make me sick at all and it was fun playing it with friends. However since I have no access to it without my friends, I can’t play it without them but that was something I really enjoyed.

It’s just really sad for me because I would love to be part of this community and I just physically can’t. Video games interest me but I can’t spend time playing them without wanting to cut off my head from the pain. Which is probably good because I could see myself getting quite addicted and not leaving. So maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

That being said, I fully appreciate everything that goes into making a good game and I’m always interested in games that have good story lines and are visually appealing. I really liked watching the beginning of Bioshock Infinite and wish I could have played it. While I’m sometimes leery about how much time can be spent devoted to a game, I’m still always interested in hearing about new games. I also don’t mind watching demos but fair warning, if I start feeling sick, I’m going to ask you to stop. It would be awesome to work for a video game company as well. And maybe one day when I have kids, I can conquer this stumbling block so that all of us can play together.

In a nutshell, video games are fun. I wish I could play them. Until then, I live vicariously through my gamer friends (you know who you all are.) And this is about sums it up how I feel:

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That Night God Heard Me and He Answered

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I talk a lot about prayer on here. And many times about unanswered prayer and how there’s a lot of trusting in God involved. But I always seem to give just the first half of the story and you’re left hanging. Here’s a story that does have a part 2.

There once was a weekend where I had a really rough time. The Friday night of that week, I stayed at home. I don’t mind doing this every now and then. I can read, watch a movie, just sort of relax, and not worry about going out. The problem though was that I also hadn’t left the house at all during the day. Heck, I had barely even left my room. So I had gone over 24 hours without seeing or having any contact with another human being. Introverts would have killed to have been in my shoes that day. As an extrovert, I was dying.

The Saturday rolled around. I still hadn’t heard a word from any of my friends or pretty much anyone in general. Now most folks would probably just either 1) go and contact people themselves or 2) go do their own thing. But me being me, I have this rather stupid theory in my head that I get sometimes that if people really wanted to be around me, they would have already contacted me. They have their own lives already (especially those who are married or have kids) and they can only fit me in when they are able to or if they want to. I’m not really afraid of rejection when asking folks to do something but it’s still hard for me to do it. Therefore if people haven’t asked me out, I figure they don’t want me that night. Stupid and petty yes, but this is what runs through my mind.

So as I said, Saturday had come and I hadn’t heard a thing from anyone. I didn’t want to face yet another night of not seeing a single person again but at that point, I just figured everyone was busy and no one wanted me. And it felt really lonely. Like down at the bottom of the pit with no hope of being rescued lonely. There are some of you who may think I’m being over dramatic but if you’ve never felt this way, I can’t really describe it for you. It’s just really awful. I knew I didn’t want to stay in the pit but I didn’t know how to get out.

I spent the next hour both crying and praying. I kept alternating between being angry with God for making me like this and putting me in the situation but then immediately trying to fight those feelings because I knew they WEREN’T from God and my weak spots were being attacked. It was an emotional and spiritual struggle that was happening inside of me

Here’s an excerpt from my journal that night:

I feel like my prayers have gone unanswered. Why bother even praying for the big things when God won’t even answer a prayer of feeling tonight like I’m not forgotten. All I want right now is just ONE person to call, text, gchat, Facebook message, email. Just get a hold of me and tell me “Hey Deborah. I was just wanted to say hey.” Even if they can’t physically hang out, I just want to know what I wasn’t forgotten!

But God can’t even give me that. And I’m so tempted to turn away right now. I’m so tempted to reject him because I am hurt. And I’m constantly feeling hurt. It’s so tempting right now. Why does God hate me so much? What have I done that is so horrible, that is worse than everyone else and yet they have everything? Yes, I know things aren’t 100% perfect for them. I realize their lives have troubles as well, things that I would probably be grateful I don’t have to worry about right now.

But Lord, I hate this so much. I really do. It hurts so much God. I’m hurting. Please help me Lord. Please don’t turn away from me Lord. Please let me know. Please reveal to me that I’m loved. Please remind me that you love me and haven’t forgotten about me. Lord please. I am so weak right now. I need your strength. I need you Lord.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me for I am lonely and afflicted. Remove the troubles of my heard and free me from my anguish. Look to my affliction and to my distress and take away all my sin.”

“I call on your name Lord from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea, Do not close your ears to my cries for relief. You came near when I called and you said Do Not Fear. ”

Don’t abandon me Lord. Help me Stay. Please Lord. Please.

After I wrote that, I closed my journal, stopped crying, and went on YouTube to watch some clips of the Simpsons to make me feel better. I kid you not, less than 5 minutes later, I get a Gchat from a very close friend saying “Hey”. This was without me messaging anyone previously. I reply back “Hey.” Then they responded back, “I just wanted to say hey to you.” That’s when I knew that God had immediately answered my prayer. Because this person normally wouldn’t have done this. Especially on a Saturday night. This was a rare thing that I knew was God answering me because I had prayed.

And not only did God just answer it, He went above and beyond fulfilling it because I ended up hanging out with my friend that night all without my having to prompt or try to make it happen myself. And the Lord showed me I wasn’t forgotten and I was cared about. Yes, by my friend but more so, I knew that night God had heard me and He answered me. It was like “See Deborah, I haven’t forgotten about you. I love you so much. Even for what other people may think is a small thing, I know for you this is what you need and want. So let me show you how much I love you by answering this and doing even more than that so you know I AM the Lord.”

I’m writing this here to tell you, God answers prayers. Sometimes you can’t really tell if your prayer has been answered. Sometimes God really does close the door and say no. Sometimes He tells you to wait. But then there are times when he does answer you. And He makes sure that you know it’s from him. And to Him, nothing is petty or unworthy of asking him for help no matter what you’re feeling. Even if everyone else in the world would look down on you for what you’re going through, the Lord doesn’t think that. So NEVER feel like you can’t go to God. Yell at Him. Tell Him how you really feel. Don’t be afraid for Him to know what you are really going through.

You need to be broken before He can really work in you. Be broken. Let Him heal and restore you.

This song helped me that night. It’s probably going to have more meaning to me now anytime I hear it.

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Help-Rejecting Complaining (or I like being miserable because it gets me attention!)

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I was on Twitter the other day (fine, I’m on Twitter every day) and I saw a status from someone where they seemed to be complaining about something. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this person jokingly complain about this situation. It’s something they’ve brought up many times over several YEARS (though to be fair, I only started noticing it a few months ago). And yet when solutions were offered, the person either rejected or ignored them.

It can be frustrating from the other end to keep seeing this happen. You think surely if someone is that unhappy or irritated with the current situation then wouldn’t you want a solution?  Why do you want to stay grumpy and complain all the time? I mean why keep bringing it up especially after someone gave you a possible out to the solution?

It baffles me trying to figure out why anyone would want to live like this. Am I the weird one who doesn’t want to be like this? Because I know for me, when I do vent or legitimately complain to someone, I try to make sure that 1) I’ve exhausted all resources I can to find a solution, 2) unless it’s something that can’t be fixed, I try not to keep bringing it up and 3) I don’t let the person who offered me the solution see me keep complaining because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

So I took to Google to help me find out the reason why. It took me several attempts to come up with the right combination of words.

A “help-rejecting complainer” complains as a way to seek help and support, but then rejects any help that’s offered. Whenever anyone tries to make a constructive suggestion
– “Why don’t you try…?” or “Could you…?” — the help-rejecter insists that the advice is useless. In fact, help-rejecting complainers sometimes seem proud to be beyond help. http://www.gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2011/01/assay-a-useful-term-the-help-rejecting-complainer-why-dont-you-try-no-that-wont-help/

After doing more research, it seems that people do this because they get attention. And social media is the best place to for this to thrive. Because now you have the entire world to listen to you.

And in the scenario I described, it makes sense. I don’t know if the person thrives on the attention they get from these joking complaints, but obviously they want to share it with the world if they are posting it on Twitter. I guess I just notice it more because it hits too close at home when I did offer a possible solution only to have it ignored/turned down. And every time I see a complaint/comment related to this, I wonder if they realize I can see this and just don’t care that it feels like a slap in my face or if they never connected the two together and are completely clueless. I don’t understand people.

For most people, they would say just ignore them or block them. Don’t let it bother you if it doesn’t have to. And yes, I realize that I do have that choice. And it may come to that eventually. There’s not really any emotional ties making me have to stay connected to them. They may or may not even notice that I’ve disappeared. When I put it like that, it seems like a no-brainer right?

I think at least for me, I just want to know why. I want to understand why you keep complaining, why you rejected the help, or at the very least or why do want to keep publicly flaunting it where you know I’ll see it. I want to help. But sometimes help isn’t wanted and you need to just let go and walk away from someone who is either that toxic or just plain clueless.

There’s a difference between needing to vent once or having really big struggles that you’re trying to work through. It’s another to just keep complaining for attention’s sake.

And this is the last time you’ll hear me publicly complain about this 🙂

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The songs that currently constantly on repeat

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Confession time: I like to sing along and play air guitar to music when no one is around.

You’re probably thinking, “What? Everyone does that.”

Yeah but does everyone put on headphones, and lose themselves in the song? Possibly too.

This is probably true for almost any person that 1) has access to music and 2) feels a connection to music.

For me it can be any genre of music. It can even be music that is purely instrumental. Just listening to the music creates a story in my head that, like a good book or movie, can make me feel lost in it for hours. Sometimes I become attached to a song because of the lyrics, other times it’s because of the actual music that makes me feel connected.  It’s also really good at helping you escape when you need it. If you put on headphones and focus on the music, the rest of the world just disappears for a few minutes.

I realize the majority of you who will read this post will either a) not click on any of these videos to listen to the music or 2) if you do listen, it won’t be the same experience for you that it is for me. And that’s fine. That’s the pretty awesome thing about music. It’s very subjective and what works for one person, doesn’t always work for another. Heck, it sometimes doesn’t even work on the same person. I could like a song, and then 10 years later listen to it again and be like “What on earth was I thinking?”

For me right now, the songs I’m listening to feel like they are part of a bigger story. Either they describe a character, a plot, or the entire theme of the story can be summed up by one song.

So what songs am I currently listening to that make up my current stories? Here’s a random sampling.

“Found Out About You” by the Gin Blossoms – So this song originally came out in 1992 and I think I discovered it in 8th grade. That’s 17 years of me listening to this song. Every couple of years the lyrics become extremely relevant. It’s actually kind of scary how accurate the song can become in my life.

 

“False Alarms” by Josh Groban – No music post these days is complete without a Josh Groban shout out. But no really, this song has been on repeat in my car lately because I really like the music and can relate to the lyrics.  This may possibly be the only one of his songs that I will know by heart when I see him in concert this summer. I still haven’t really listened to the rest of his songs yet.

“Heaven” by The Walkmen – Yes, this is the song that was featured at end of the finale of How I Met Your Mother but I try not to let my feelings of that taint this song. It’s a sad sounding song. But when I hear it, I can see a story. If that makes sense.

 

“El Scorcho” by Weezer – This has been my favorite Weezer song since high school but in the past few months I may or may not have changed some of the lyrics to fit recent circumstances.

 

“Time” from the Inception film score – This song, I can listen to over and over again. I actually wrote a story based on this piece that had nothing to do with the movie, just how the music made me feel. I also would love to incorporate this somehow into my future wedding one day (if my future husband would consent to it). Though by stating this publicly means it won’t happen. But one can still dream.

So what songs are making stories in your head lately?

Photo credit: http://500px.com/photo/5644024/ostin-by-mariana-mikhailova?from=popular

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The Impossible Girl

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The past few years I’ve had themes to describe how the year went for me. The name of the year has a geeky reference but it also perfectly describes how I felt throughout the year.

In 2012, I was “The Girl on Fire“. Much like Katniss, everything was going well for me that year. Other than a couple of weeks where it just kinda sucked, I was having the best year of my life. Almost everything went the way I had hoped and I was the happiest I had been in years.

In 2013, I was “The Girl Who Waited.” Like Amy Pond, I sat there and I waited. I was waiting on God, I was waiting on people, I was waiting for things to happen. I felt a lot of times like I was forgotten because I had been waiting for so long.

It’s taken me several months to figure out what this year was going to be. Obviously I had to wait to see how the year goes before I could categorize the year. Five months in and I think I’ve figured it out. 2014 is the year of me being “The Impossible Girl.”

For all you non Doctor Who fans out there, The Impossible Girl is referring to Clara Oswald, one of the Doctor’s companions. To make a very long and complex story short, Clara shouldn’t have happened. She’s basically born to save The Doctor. It’s impossible for her to exist and yet there she is.

(Picture credit: http://ambrixmuse.deviantart.com/art/You-are-my-impossible-girl-372965800)

So how do I take that and have it refer to me? Because right now, I feel like I shouldn’t exist. And yet here I am. Everything I want for my life hasn’t happened yet. Everything I hope for keeps being out of reach for me. I don’t understand it. I feel like nothing that should be happening is. And I’m getting frustrated.

It’s like everything I want, God keeps putting JUST out of reach for me. He keeps allowing me to have hope only to take that hope away from me. And it’s very easy and tempting to start becoming angry at God. People (and myself) keep saying that if it hasn’t happened then it’s because it’s not the right timing for it. That God has a reason for this and I need to just trust in his timing.

Truth:  I’m tired of this. I’m tired of getting my hopes up repeatedly only to have them crashing down. I’m tired of hoping anymore because it HURTS when things don’t happen. I’d sometimes rather just not have the hope at all. I feel like my entire life has been pointless, yes even with everything that I’ve written about here on my blog. Because what is the point of hoping when things NEVER come through.

There are two things in my life that I really want. Two things that every person in this world wants at least one of. And for whatever reason, God keeps withholding those two things from me. And right now, I don’t know why. I know everything you’re going to tell me. That it’s not my fault. That God has his reasons. That the timing isn’t right. That something better is ahead. And I believe all this. I know all this is true. And I have to fight all the doubts and insecurities that are trying to creep in right now. I know the promises that God has made. And I believe that he will keep them.

But in a moment of complete vulnerability, I do feel like I’m not good enough. That something MUST be wrong with me. That I keep either getting rejected or passed over or ignored. And I feel like I have done everything to better myself and it’s still not working for either case. And at this point, I don’t understand why God hates me and keeps rewarding everyone else instead. Because that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s like because I want these things so badly, that God doesn’t want me to have them for some reason. And I wish that he would just remove these desires so that I could do exactly what he wanted me to do instead of hoping for things that will never happen. And people who don’t even want these things keep getting them over and over again. So I just don’t understand why God keeps making everything impossible for me.

PAUSE

Ok funny thing: I wrote the above section earlier in the afternoon when I feeling very low. Obviously you can tell based on what I was saying by my emotional writing. I then remember vaguely praying for the Lord to help me and then just sort of forgetting about it and just wanting to get through the rest of the night. And then God answered my prayer in a way I wasn’t expecting. In fact he went far and above what I was expecting. To the point where I feel maybe not 100% better but at least 95% better than I did this afternoon. I was actually smiling and laughing tonight.

It made me realize that even though I really don’t know why things happen/don’t happen, God does. Not only that, but he also provides what you need when you need it and even if you don’t think you need it. Just like today for me. Even though I hate having my hopes crashed, it is good to have hope and the Lord gave me hope again today. I have to be careful how I handle that hope but at the same time I am able to hope again.

So back to me being “The Impossible Girl” for 2014: I feel that there are things this year that just seem impossible and I’m going to trust God with those impossible things. Because he has told me time and time again that I need to trust him. And he has made promises to me and told me that I need to just let go of all anxiety and fear. I need to just believe that he is fully capable of making those promises, no matter how impossible, come true. And even though it seems like it can’t happen and it shouldn’t happen, because I know they are promises from the Lord, they WILL happen. But if I don’t trust or believe, if I let my faith become shattered because of my doubt then everything is a lie.

God is passionately and intimately aware of every detail that you’re going through right now. He’s paying attention to your every breath. Nothing misses God’s attention. You may not understand why you’re going through what you’re going through, but you need to say this to God: “I know you’re good; I know you’re loving; I know you’re powerful; I know you notice the details of my life; I know you’re in control; I know you have a plan; I know you will protect me.” Then, you need to trust God — no matter what. Whatever you’re going through, tell God exactly how you feel. He can handle it! Accept help from others. Stop asking “why,” and start trusting God for the things you don’t understand. (http://purposedriven.com/blogs/dailyhope/what-to-do-when-it-makes-no-sense)

I’ve said before I want God to use me and my story. And I believe that he will take my situation, these seemingly impossible situations, and use them for His glory. I am The Impossible Girl this year because to everyone else, these things shouldn’t happen. But to the Lord, nothing is impossible with him. Just hang in there. Wait. Trust. And it will be good.

If there’s a passage in Scripture that can sum up how 2014 is and will be for me this is it:

Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:17-19a)

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It’s going to happen at the prom!

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With it being May, it means that it’s high time for prom season. If you haven’t already, you’ll be seeing high school kids wearing overly expensive dresses and tuxes, eating at fancy restaurants, and cruising in limos, almost every Friday and Saturday night this month. Prom has become an American rite of passage for high school students. Practically every teen movie you see has some prom sequence that serves as the climactic scene of the movie.

I remember how back then prom was SO IMPORTANT. And now looking back …it really wasn’t.

I went to prom both my junior and senior year. I was even on the prom committee junior year. Basically I did that so I could put it down on my college application. Our prom both years was held at a hotel in the city next to us on the waterfront. I remember we were really trying to push for the theme of “Waiting for Tonight” (based of the popular at the time J.Lo song) but instead got outvoted for some cheesy theme. Senior year was equally cheesy.20140427_150734

As for my dates, well you know how it’s the trend now to have huge elaborate prom-posals? (Just google it) Yeah not the case here. Junior year, there was a guy that was a senior that I asked to go. After giving me the run around for a few weeks (this seems to be a repeat pattern in my life) he eventually told me no because he wasn’t going to prom. Lo and behold, a week later another girl asks him to prom and he says yes. *SWEAR WORD* I ended up going with one of my good friends because his date ditched him at the last moment. We had a good time and it was probably for the best I ended up not going with the first guy. During senior year, there was a sophomore that I asked to go and he turned me down. After weeks of thinking I wasn’t going to go, finally another one of my friends asked me to go with him. Part of me is slightly suspicious now that he asked me because of the group that I ended up going with more so than because of me. This is due to the fact that during the actual prom I danced with him ONCE and never saw him again until we were all leaving.

I got my dresses while shopping with my mom at the mall both years. I chose blue for both dresses, junior year – ice blue, senior – navy blue. (I like blue.) They weren’t overly expensive, nor were they flashy or that memorable. I do remember pouring through all the teen magazines looking at the prom issues and very much wanting a Jessica McClintock dress but alas that one cost $$. The style at the time was for the poofy dresses and while I didn’t want too much poof, I did opt for some poof so that my dress made that nice swishing sound.

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(Just for privacy reasons, I’ve blurred my date’s face in case he wouldn’t want his face floating online.)

We got limos both years and did go out for fancy dinners. Prom itself was….ok. I didn’t dance much(though admittedly I probably did dance more than I do at weddings now. Some of the music was just really hard to dance to even though it was popular at the time. (How on earth are you supposed to “dance” to Limp Bizkit?) Basically there was no group dance where everyone dances in sync. Though there were choreographed ‘Nsync dances.

After prom both years, we all went down to the beach in Nags Head thanks to parents who owned beach houses down there. It was a pleasant way to relax afterwards. Though I do remember sometimes feeling a little left out and just of place when going there, almost like I didn’t really belong. Those weren’t good feelings. But it was nice to get away and just enjoy the peaceful nice of the beach after being stressed out from getting ready for prom. Even if we never actually went into the water because the Atlantic Ocean in May is FREEZING.

Then we got back to school on Monday and that was that. Like I said looking back, it does feel silly spending all that money and time and stress for just one night on dresses I never wore again. Prom was not the be all or end all for me. It was just a night with some good (and some not so good) memories. I wouldn’t go back and visit it to be honest but it is what it is. When I do have kids and their prom time comes, I’m sure I’ll most likely go through the same experience with them. I’ll only say once that it’s really not that big of a deal but then I’ll let them have their fun.

Because you know. Everything happens at the prom.

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My answer to “What good books have you read lately?”

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Since I read a lot and everyone knows this, I’m always asked what books have you read recently that you enjoyed? I seem to have trouble describing plots to people in person (they always come off sounding really weird) so I’m not sure how much justice I do to the awesome books I have read.

I’ve read 50 books so far in 2014. This may sound like a lot to most of you but for me it’s well behind my past reading streaks and I’m actually about 25 books behind my goal of 225 books for 2014.  But irregardless of that, I’m being more choosy about what I read so lately I’ve been liking a lot of what I’m reading.

Here are just some of the books I’ve enjoyed discovering this year.

Better Off Friends by Elizabeth Eulberg (Point, 2014)

My Blurb: It’s a book about a boy and a girl who are best friends. And realize they are attracted to each other. And all the ups and downs that come with falling in love with your best friend. It was like reading about my life.

Runaway Saint by Lisa Samson (Thomas Nelson, 2014)

My blurb: This book totally gave me a hipster feel as I was reading it. Also it’s from a Christian publisher and used the word “badass”. I applaud this.

A Fall of Marigolds by Susan Meissner (NAL Trade, 2014)

My blurb: Susan Meissner is one of my favorite authors of all time so I knew I was going to love this book. It alternates between Ellis Island in 1911, NYC during 9/11, and then NYC 2011. Very rich and beautiful.

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell (St. Martin’s Press, 2013)

My blurb: If you haven’t read any of Rainbow Rowell’s other books before, GET ON IT. This one is a fav for many reasons including a whole entire fantasy world created just for this book (which needs to become a book series in itself).

Anything by Sarah Dessen

My blurb: I got a Sarah Dessen kick late last year. I had never read any of her books before but I always saw them on blogs, libraries, and bookstores. So I finally gave in and read one. And loved it. And proceeded to read all but the newest one in the span of 4 months. I’m delaying reading The Moon and Back because once I finish that, I’ll have no more to read from her. Can anyone recommend other authors that are like Dessen? Contemporary YA?

And now to throw the question back at you: What good books have YOU been reading lately?