Tag Archives: Struggles

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That Time God Helped Me Be Able to Forgive

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Here’s that serious post about the retreat (though I mean bacon can also be serious) I said I was going to write.

As I said, this was my second time going to a women’s retreat from my church. When I went last year, I really needed it. I had just found out that I didn’t get the job I had set my heart on hours before the retreat started and I was so incredibly down that I almost contemplated not going. But God, in his infinite wisdom, knew what I needed that night and I was so glad that I ended up going. When the topic for this year was announced, “Living With Unmet Desires”, I was like “SIGN ME UP NOW.”

There were so many topics that were shared that I may write several posts about them over the next couple of weeks. That’s what I love about going to these retreats, all the things I learn.

Right now the topic that is sticking to me the most was the session on forgiveness. Because I feel that is what God has been hitting at me the hardest. The speaker gave us this definition of forgiveness: “The relinquishment of my right for revenge against someone who has wronged me.” She spoke about how there are times when the person who has wronged us has no idea that we are struggling with forgiving them. That we will spend hours imagining scenarios where we confront them or have them come begging us to forgive them and we turn them away. And I realize that is something I am really struggling with right now. And I have been for a while.

I felt God speaking to me throughout the weekend that this is something that I need to do. And that it’s holding me back because I’m not letting it go. A paraphrase of something else that jumped out at me from the session: “Your deliverance is going to come through what you suffer through if you allow yourself to trust God fully through it.”

And therefore this is what I felt compelled to do after a lot of prayer over the past few days.

Dear Person who I need to forgive,

You may or may not ever read this. You also may or may not realize that I’m talking about you. There is also an even bigger chance that you may not realize that you hurt me (or maybe you do, and you just don’t care). But that’s ok. It actually doesn’t really matter if you do or not any of these things. Because when it all comes down to it, it’s between me and God and not really between me and you. I don’t really need to tell you to your face that you hurt me or that I even want to forgive you. I just need to actually do it.

A lot of things have been holding me back from doing it. Pride is probably the biggest one. I’ve been feeling that if I forgive you and let it go, it means that you “won”, that you got a free pass, and it won’t ever bother you. Meanwhile it left me hurting even when I tried not to let it. And I was afraid that I needed to be free from the hurt before I could forgive you and the hurt wasn’t going away to allow me to get to that point. To some people what you did probably wouldn’t be a big deal to them and they would just wave it off and move on. But for me, it reopened up wounds that weren’t completely healed yet and it exposed my vulnerability which left me raw and weak and angry. And even though I hid it all on the outside so no one could tell, on the inside there was a lot of emotional turmoil that left me feeling bitter and resentful towards you.

But I don’t want to hold on to that bitterness anymore. I don’t want it to keep building to where it eventually takes over and I forget about why I was even angry/hurt to begin with. It may not ever be in God’s plan for me to ever discuss this particular situation with you or even talk to you again. But I have to let this go. It may not be doing any harm other than to me right now, but if I continue to leave it as an untreated wound, it will grow and fester and becoming poisonous.

I prayed about this a lot today while driving. And I said to God, “This is something you have to help me with. This is something I’m going to struggle with. And I know that I’m going to need help because I will be tempted in the future to want to start feeling bitter and angry. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be free from this. I don’t want to be trapped in this box anymore. I can’t do this on my own. I want to forgive. Help me do this.”

Then “Stronger” by Matthew West came on the radio

Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

…I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough

I’d like to say that immediately everything was all better and I’ll be perfectly fine from now on whenever I see you or if you ever cross into my mind. But that’s probably not true and I’ll be lying. But I can say that, I do feel a lot better now. And with God’s help, I’ll let go and one day I’ll look back and even though I may never know why all this happened, I’ll understand that it was all part of his plan. And I’ll learn from it. And I’ll be ok.

I don’t need to justify why I did this. And for the record it’s not to just make myself feel better or to shame you or anything. You don’t even need to apologize for anything. I’m doing it because I know I need to forgive, as Jesus has done for me.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

So, person I need to forgive, I’ve forgiven you.

Thank you.

Deborah

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Your word is your bond. Or is it?

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“That’s a piecrust promise. Easily made. Easily broken.” – Mary Poppins

How often do you make promises you can’t keep? How often do you tell someone you’re going to do something but you don’t really mean it? How do you feel when other people do that to you?

It’s really easy in this day and age to tell people you’re going to do something, but you don’t actually do it. Maybe you forgot you made that promise, maybe you never intended on doing it in the first place. I mean one of the biggest things people do all the time is say they’re going to pray for you but it’s more out of courtesy than actually meaning it.

Why do we make promises we know we’re not going to keep? Is it to be polite? Is it to make ourselves look good? Is it to get out of situation and buy some time? Do you find yourself being pressured to making promises when caught off guard?

On the other hand, how should we hold accountability to those who make promises? Whose responsibility is it to follow up? Is the other person lying when they say they’re going to do something but don’t follow through? Do you just hope that the other person forgot about it and never bring it up again in hopes that it will just get swept under a rug and you can be like “whew! i got away with that! I’m never doing that again!”?

Personally I don’t know. I know I get frustrated when this happens to me. Especially when I know sometimes these people will actually keep their promises to other people but won’t for me. It hurts. And it doesn’t help me to trust them. It also can hurt when someone says they’re a Christian and then continually keep breaking their promises especially since..well if you believe the Bible it says this:

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37)

I will not violate my covenant or alter what my lips have uttered. (Psalm 89:34)

When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. (Numbers 30:2)

But you know? We’re humans. We all mistakes. And even though sometimes you can’t understand why someone would make a promise that they don’t intend on keeping, you just have to let it go. Because of who we are and because of how the world is, this will always happen. No one will ever keep ALL the promises they make. Not even the people you love.

Is this meant to say that you can never trust anyone? That everyone will fail you? Not really. I mean, you’re not even going to live up to what you want someone else to be. And isn’t that funny? We’ll hold someone else to a higher standard than we ourselves can never live up to.

There is hope though. One, think of your word as gold. Would you give away your gold so easily? Exactly. Also your word builds up your reputation. Maybe you don’t care, but do you really want to be known as someone who is consistently breaking their word?Even if you are good at keeping your word for business, your personal reputation can precede you. Also quite a bunch of good advice in this article for the gents: “Real Men Keep Their Word.”

And also for me, I’ve chosen to put my faith and trust in God. I know he’ll keep his promises.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

People are going to fail me. And sometimes it’s not going to make sense as to why someone will (or why they keep doing it) and it’s going to hurt. But I know God’s not going to break his promise to me. And that is something I know I can always depend on.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

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Having Faith In God vs Having Faith in the Results

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This past Sunday, my pastor continued his series on Philippians. This week he only focused mainly on two verses:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)

As you remember a couple of weeks ago, I have trouble when it comes to worrying. I do it a lot over certain areas in my life. However, in person I hide it pretty well. Even if you know me really well, I’m usually pretty good at keeping it from you unless you ask me. I can be a “ninja worrier”.

That being said this week’s message gave me A LOT of food for thought. Like pretty much a good deal amount of folks in the service, it seemed as if the message was specifically for me. Everyone worries to some degree about something. If you’re a parent, you’re going to worry. Our pastor mentioned that there was a man he met that said he never worried because he trusted God in everything. While I wish that I had faith that strong, I do wonder if he was a parent because I highly doubt that anyone can be a loving parent and not worry about their children.

The takeaway of the message for me was that we need to hope in the Lord and not in the results. Which is what I don’t do AT ALL. My focus tends to be on what the outcome is going to be. It’s hard to not hope for that. If you think something is going to happen, if you want it to happen, if your prayers have been centered around something trying to happen, then it’s no wonder why you focus on the results.

There’s a difference between concern and anxiety. Example: Say someone told you on Sunday they were going to get in touch with you to get together during the week. It’s now Thursday and you still haven’t heard from them. Concern: “I guess that person forgot. Maybe they got busy. I hope they’re ok. But since they said they would take the responsibility for contacting me, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Anxiety: “WHY AREN’T THEY CONTACTING ME????!! Did I do something wrong? What is wrong with me that I keep getting ignored? It’s my fault isn’t it? Or maybe they died? Should I do something about it??? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME????!!”

Yes I think you can see the difference. (And I don’t mean from the increase of punctuation)

I borrow from tomorrow’s worries a lot. I’m scared of what the future could possibly bring. Unfortunately it’s in my genetic makeup to worry and I have to fight it. I have to trust in the Lord. I don’t know why things happen or don’t happen but I have to trust that God has his hand in all this. And even though I may not understand right now and there’s a good chance that I may never understand until I get to heaven and ask God why (and believe me I’ll have a list of questions), I must have faith that God knows what is best for me.

It’s hard. Because I don’t know what’s going to happen. BUT I am going to keep having hope IN the LORD and not in the results. And keep praying that my desires will line up with the Lord’s and that he will take care of me and provide and protect. And even if what I fear the most does happen, that the Lord will be with me throughout it all.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:25-27)

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Are You There God? It’s Me, Deborah

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This week in church, the final song we sang in the service was titled “Always”. It’s one of my favorite worship songs because every time I hear/sing it, it reminds me that God is always there no matter what happens.

Oh, my God
He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear
His promise is true
My God will come through always
Always

But sometimes I wonder, even though I know God WILL come through, what exactly IS going to come through? Waiting and trusting are topics that I talk about a lot because that is what it feels like my whole life revolves around. I sometimes get worried that because I want something it’s not going to happen. My biggest fears involve hoping for things but then they won’t come true because God doesn’t want it for me. It’s like God and I have different mindsets and I can never line mine up with God’s no matter how hard I try. Therefore I get scared to hope for anything because it feels like God doesn’t want me to be happy.

I know that’s obviously wrong though. I know that it’s when I’m at my most vulnerable point that is when doubt and fear creep in. And I know it’s happening because the enemy pretty much has found me at my weakest and wants to exploit it to eventually have me reject my faith in God. And let me tell you sometimes it can be very hard sometimes to not blame God for things or why things aren’t happening. I don’t believe it’s a sin to be angry nor even to be angry at God. However, I’ve been learning that I while I can be angry at my circumstances, I can’t stay that way for very long.

I’m an external processor by nature and I can vent like a champ. If you are willing to listen, I will go over something over and over with you so you can help me figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, how I can fix it or how I can prevent it from happening again. I’ve been realizing that, while there’s nothing wrong with talking about things with others you trust, it may not necessarily be the best thing to do. Sometimes they aren’t the ones you need to go to first with your problems.

I’ve been really working more on my praying and quiet time with God. This means sometimes just having conversations with him vs a long drawn out formal prayer. I’ve been learning to talk to God about everything that’s on my mind. Even though sometimes I feel it’s very trivial, I still tell him. And sooner rather than later, I realize that it’s perfectly fine to go to him with all the concerns I have. Eventually, I begin to notice that a lot of those concerns decrease because I let it go vs holding it back in. Try it. It works wonders.

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

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Not a Worry in the World?

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I talk a lot about my faith. I talk a lot about it on my blog. I talk a lot about it in person. It’s something I’m not ashamed of. I am considerate of other people and I know when I should and shouldn’t talk about it. But as it’s a part of my life, I am open about it.

However I also worry a lot. In college my AIM screen name was “I Worry Easily.” I have a lot of anxiety in my life because I keep stressing out about certain things. Actually, it’s really one thing I worry about. The rest of my life, I’m quite grounded and stable, and trust God completely with it. I know that my friends get tired of me doing this because it seems to become a repeat scenario in my life. A situation will arise and I gain confidence, become assertive, and get my hopes semi-up (never too high up because I don’t want to crash really hard) only to find out that it doesn’t come through. And I am left in a state of limbo which leaves me in panic mode. I start coming down on myself, become slightly apathetic, and feel the constant need to get advice from everyone to figure out what to do next.

I’ve been realizing that I have gotten so much advice and opinions from so many people over the past few years. Not because I can’t think for myself or that I constantly need validation. But sometimes I just want to confirm that I’m making the right decision or that I’m not missing out on something that is so obvious but yet I’m still missing it. I think I worry so much about making mistakes that I did in the past, that I want to verify that I AM doing things correctly and I’m not an idiot. I trust my own judgment but at the same time I do want some validity. Basically what am I doing wrong, what is wrong with me, why is everyone else able to handle this but I cannot, what can I do to change in a constructive way that isn’t compromising myself?

But ultimately a lot of that advice is also speculation from people because none of us know the true and final answer. And sometimes I think that even when I do get the answer that I feel like I have been wanting/needing to hear, it still won’t be enough. I want to know WHY and WHAT else could I have done or HOW I could have changed the situation or WHEN would there have been a better time. Pet peeve: when I spend time worrying because of someone else and they don’t have a clue in the world of the worry they have caused. Oh to be so bliss filled and carefree without a worry in the world.

One of my friends, who doesn’t share my faith but has known me for over 10 years, called me out on this the other day. Over the course of those years, he’s seen my life go up and down and knows of the struggles and issues that’s been going on in life. So even though we don’t agree on everything, I feel he’s been a good observer of how I’ve changed and how some things stay the same. During a conversation the other day he said:

For a person with your particular faith you worry too much. You can’t put your faith in God and be a worrisome person. It’s contradictory. I’m the last person qualified to check someone’s faith. But here’s the thing. Aren’t Christians not supposed to worry? Through Christ all is possible and the Lord working mysterious ways and all?

I wasn’t offended at all by what he said to me. In fact, I thanked him for it. Because he made me realize that once again I’m not walking the talk I keep talking.

I claim to have strong faith in God. But it’s not just a claim. I truly believe. But yeah, why do I just not trust that God will take care of it all, and regardless of the outcome that I should just have faith that he has what’s best for me. I’m fully aware of all the verses in the Bible about not worrying. I know what Jesus says about it. And yet I can’t stop myself from worrying.

And I’m going to be brutally honest right now. I don’t know why I can’t stop. I’m not trying to be bleak or negative. I just don’t know. This seems like a cycle that just keeps repeating itself. I worry, I trust, I let go, I see God work in my life only to have a new circumstance come up and I repeat that cycle. Except my worry periods last longer than the others. And even with constant prayer, reading Scripture, and just giving it over to God, I cannot seem to stop. I talk to people until I realize they are tired of hearing about it. I journal til I fill up pages and pages with my thoughts that I can’t seem to escape.

Just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I have it all together. And I most definitely don’t. I feel very vulnerable admitting this. We always want to look like we have it all together. Anyone reading this blog is probably hiding something that they are struggling with in an attempt to NOT look like they don’t have it all together. And maybe there ARE a few of you who really don’t have a worry in the world. Either way I envy you (yet another not a being a good Christian trait). I have the world’s most horrible poker face and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m risking the fact that you are going to read this and think I have no confidence (which I actually do have a lot of) or that I’m over emotional (that’s not the case either).

I’m asking for your advice here. Can you honestly say that if you are a believer you don’t worry about things? If so, how do you not worry? Do you just accept whatever comes your way? Do you prepare for disappointment or do you just have hope and deal with whatever the circumstances are? How do you not let it overtake you? How do you hide it? Do you just ignore it? Do you just stay busy so it doesn’t enter your mind? Do you get annoyed when someone else is worried over things you don’t think need to be worried about? Do you dismiss other people’s worries? How do you have constant trust and faith ALL the time?

I’m being serious when I’m asking all these things. Because while I’m not going to hide the fact that I am going to have these anxiety and worrisome moments, obviously I am doing something wrong if it keeps happening over and over again.  I know that what ends up happening is we look back and wonder why we worried so much. What I want to do is just have to wonder because I never worried in the first place. I want to get to that place. And for ever person that has told me to just not worry, PLEASE tell me how you don’t worry. I honestly want to know. I’m exhausted from all this.

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My Life is an Awkward Moment

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“Uh. Um. Er.” (Uncomfortable Silence). *Crickets chirping*

And those would be the noises you hear when I’m in a situation where I feel uncomfortable and thus awkward.

Everyone has their awkward moments. I however seem to have an awkward life.

I have mentioned this before but I am a shy extrovert. I get my energy from being around others. I don’t need to say anything to you but just being around people energizes me. Sometimes it feels like I have a superpower of draining other people’s energy so that I can go be alone for a day and I’m perfectly fine til I need to recharge again.

However just because I’m an extrovert doesn’t mean that I’m outgoing. Far from it. Put me in a new situation with people I don’t know, especially people who already know each other, and I want to die. I feel out of my element and utterly uncomfortable. It doesn’t help when no one includes me in the conversation or comes up to me first. I do that awkward thing of trying to join in a conversation and can’t seem to jump in. I never seem able to find the right moment to come into a conversation. Either my voice never gets heard or when I finally do say something there’s an awkward silence.

I seem to know a lot of outgoing introverts. They recharge by being alone and are quite happy with that, but when they are out in public, you would never know this because they are good at being around others. They hide it so well that when they tell you they are actually introverts, you’re like no you’re not. LIES.

When I’m around people who I’m comfortable with, I have no problems. Even when I’m awkward with them, I know they’re not going to judge me so I feel completely fine being who I am in front of them. In fact I have been told many times after an entertaining awkward moment “Deborah, don’t change. Never change who you are”.

My friends have noticed that when I’m around someone I would like to get to know better and it’s a group setting, I clam up instantly and start acting very not like myself.  It’s because I get nervous and anxious. They can tell that something is wrong because it’s a different type of awkward. It’s the awkward where I am overly conscious of trying to make a good impression that I tend to shut down in fear of looking like a fool. And if you know me very well, you can probably tell that I’m visibly not at ease. Because I’m worried about looking too overly interested, I may over think myself into panic status and act completely indifferent towards you. Even though that’s NOT how I am at all. So if you are trying to see what kind of person I am, and we’re surrounded by people who I’m not necessarily comfortable around, you’re not going to see the type of person I really am.

I like getting to know people better one on one vs in a group setting. At least in the beginning anyways. Once we get past the initial getting to know each other stage, then things are so much better. You may not care how you come across to me, but I know for me, while I want to be myself, I also want to make a good impression to you. So in a group setting, when I’m having to fight that inside of me PLUS having to battle with everyone else and their personalities and actions, it’s very overwhelming. When I’m in a more one on one setting, I can relax. I’m more confident and can be comfortable when I’m not in a group. I can surprise you. Of course I realize that for some people, group settings are safer and more comfortable for them. To each his own.

Being awkward is a part of life. You can’t avoid it. You just have to accept it and live with it. And you never know, your confidence in not caring that you are awkward is the very thing that someone finds absolutely attractive about you.

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This is ironic for a history major…

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I’m not going to lie about this, but I love my church. The reason why I started and stayed going is because my pastor is awesome.  His messages are relevant and thought-provoking and always make want to dive more into the Bible to keep learning.

The past few weeks, the messages have been about the book of Philippians which is really cool because two of my girlfriends and I did a 4 week Bible study of our own on it. So I was excited that we were going to be breaking it down even further on Sunday mornings. Every week I feel like I’m learning something new and it’s been pretty cool when something jumps out at me that I didn’t realize before even if I’ve read it a billion times.

With the new year being here, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my past. I’m not entirely happy with everything that happen. I don’t try to dwell in it (which is ironic as I am a history major), but sometimes you can’t help it. The past just comes up and creeps up on you when you’re least expecting it. And it can hurt. It can make you ignore all the good things that you are currently experiencing and just overtake you with painful memories. Things that you want to forget, mistakes you made, regrets of what you could have or should have done instead. It can be hard. People will tell you to just buck up and to not focus on it. It’s not that simple however.

Things in your past can make you hesitant about your future. You’re scared to do things because you got hurt in the past. And you don’t want to go through that again. If your past seems to keep repeating itself no matter how hard you try to avoid it, it can get frustrating to the point to where you want to give up. Because it seems like there’s nothing you can do to stop repeating the cycle.

But it can be done. You don’t have to let the past control you. You can learn from it. You can focus on what is ahead. And even if the past keeps coming back, you have to stay focused on your goal. And so this is a passage we studied on Sunday, that I’m choosing to focus on this week. My past doesn’t define me. It has molded and shaped me to who I am today. But at the same time, it’s not going to control me. And I’m going to keep moving forward.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. (Philippians 3:12-15) 

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2013: It was the best of times, It was the worst of times

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This week, my posts will be taking a look back at 2013 and looking forward to 2014. Monday’s post was about all my firsts for 2013 while Friday’s post will be about how geeky 2013 was for me.

I made my New Year’s Resolutions for 2013 in a ski mountain resort in western Maryland where 5 of my closest friends and I had spent the past few days enjoying winter activities (or for me falling continuously down a mountain). My New Years Resolutions for 2013 were:

  1. Go out of my comfort zone more
  2. Read at least 200 books this year
  3. Be more awesome

It’s safe to say I did all three of them. I’ve briefly talked about #1 on Monday. We’ll talk more about #2 on Friday.

2012 had been a really good year for me. It’s one of the few times in my life when I can honestly say I was happy for almost the entire year. 2011 had been such a crap-shoot year that 2012 was such a wonderful blessing in how awesome it ended up being. Sure, there was that one month that sucked really bad but other than that, it was one of the best years of my life. (Although when I look back at that crappy month, there may have been something good that came out of it, but only time will tell.) And I had hoped that 2013 would be the same way.

But to be honest, 2013 didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. There were so many ups and downs this past year that I’m surprised I didn’t throw up from having motion sickness. Then again, how many times can one really say they got everything they wanted? Still, overall I would have to say it was a rather good year. A solid B+.

I’m not going to go over EVERYTHING that happened this year. This is already a long entry as it is and doing that would make it a LONG LONG LONG blog post which you don’t want to read and honestly I don’t want to write.

I turned 30. It wasn’t so bad. I celebrated twice with my best friends. It was quite awesome.

I started paper journaling for the first time in many years. I talked about it in an earlier post but since I started writing in actual journals this year, I’ve filled up seven journals. Writing in them has been very therapeutic as it helps to keep the initial emotional outburst from not being put on social media. Which that eventually led to the creation of this blog. For which I’m really enjoying writing and I hope you’ve been enjoying reading.

And in case you wanted to know, these are the top most-read posts of this year (and basically since this blog started):

  1. The Girl Who Waited
  2. Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible
  3. The Elephant in the Room
  4. Silence is Golden…or Is It?
  5. It Comes in Pints?!

I lost my job in March and was unemployed for almost seven months. That was a very rough time for me. A deer hit my car during those months causing the car to be totaled and forcing me to buy a new car. It was absolutely rotten timing. But even through all the frustration and disappointments of job searching, interviews, and lack of funds coming in, I knew that God was going to provide and protect me throughout the entire process. And I KNEW he was going to give me a new job before the end of the year. Even though there were other parts of my life I was freaking out over, I always remained confident and at peace about my job situation.

Like I said on Monday, I had a lot of firsts. And I’m really proud at how many of them there were. I’ll just state this again, I’m a completely different person now than I was just a few years ago. And I’m really happy at how far along I progressed in 2013.

2013 was the first year of being completely single in almost a decade. Well, maybe not emotionally single for part of the year.  But God has finally closed doors on where they needed to be closed and in His timing, new ones will open.

When 2013 started there was something I wanted to happen this year. It was something I prayed about constantly, not that God would MAKE it happen but for Him to just guide me throughout the entire year to either prepare me for it or prepare me to not have it. I was told by a friend “Make sure you don’t put God in a box. Make sure you’re not telling him that he has to do things a certain way before you proceed.” Good advice.

My faith has increasingly grown throughout this year. Through all the ups and downs, through my frustrations and struggles, through the good times and the bad, I’ve kept turning to God through it all. And He’s never left me or forsaken me. He’s brought people in my life to help me get through the not so fun times. He protected me from any bodily injury when a deer hit me and totaled my car. He’s given me clarity and wisdom to get through all these times. And even when I still don’t understand why things happened the way they do, I’m trusting that He knows why.

As I stated above, my most read post this year is “The Girl Who Waited”. And that’s how I’ve seen myself this year. Last year I was “The Girl on Fire”, this year I was the girl who waited. I feel right now that’s what God wants me to continue being. Instead of rushing to make things happen immediately, I waited on a lot of things this year. Everything I waited on didn’t always happen the way I wanted it to but God has shown me wisdom throughout the waiting. I’m not saying I’ve mastered patience (far from it!) but I know God’s been walking with me throughout all this wait. And I feel that at this very moment, he wants me to wait just a little bit more.

Then the Lord replied: “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” (Habakkuk 2:2-3)

I don’t know what 2014 is going bring into my life. There is a lot of uncertainty but there’s also a clean, fresh slate. I learned a lot of lessons in 2013. The goal for 2014 is to learn from those lessons. I approach this new year with hope. Yes, it could be awful. Yes, the world could end this year. Yes, there is a chance I will look at a bow and arrow and still wonder how to make it work. But there is also the chance that things could be really good for me this year. And Lord willing, I’ll be ready for whatever happens and that He will be with me throughout every step of the way.

So, 2014? BRING. IT. ON. Challenge accepted.

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In Time….This is The End

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Oh brother I can’t, I can’t get through
I’ve been trying hard to reach you, cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother I can’t believe it’s true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

– “Talk” by Coldplay

As I’ve grown older, my relationships with my friends have become one of the most important thing in my life. I didn’t have very many close friends growing up. I had a few but they didn’t last long or I was in part of a bigger group but never had a best friend like others did. Now as I’ve reached 30, I’ve found that I’d rather have a smaller group of very close friends that I can grow with in life as we all share experiences together. And one of the hardest thing about this is when one of those friends decides that they want the friendship to be over, and you aren’t ready for it.

It’s extremely tough and painful to accept the fact of when a friendship is over. It can be akin to a breakup but I think that losing a friendship is even worse. Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, heck husbands and wives sometimes even. But losing a good and very close friend is harder because when you’ve built up that relationship, they can be very difficult to replace. And you may not even want to replace them…we’re not back in middle school anymore trading friends in cliques.

The worst feeling I think is that it can feel like all the years of your friendship now feel like a waste. Sure, you have good memories. Yes there were happy times. But when the friendship just dies, it feels like all the time, energy, effort…everything you put into the relationship feels like it was a waste. Especially when you can’t figure out what you did wrong.  If you had closure then you could put it behind you and walk away. But when you don’t know, it hurts. Instead of answers, you’re just left with silence. And sometimes you didn’t do anything wrong at all.There are some people who just aren’t good with closing things out. They don’t want to deal with messy so they just disappear and hope that you will eventually get the hint. It sucks like hell when that happens in a breakup, but when it happens in a friendship, it can be even worse. When your repeated attempts to figure out what happened don’t get reciprocated, you’re left with the feeling that the other person didn’t care as much as you did.

Sometimes you won’t ever get that closure. And you have to deal with it and move on. For me, lots of prayer has been and will continue to take place. I feel like there’s an empty spot in my life/heart right now. Not to sound all “Christian-y” but I know that God will fill it back soon. Whether that’s with other things, other people, or even God himself, I know that the gap in my heart won’t stay open and vulnerable forever. I wonder sometimes why God brings people into our lives only to take them away because it seems like it was a waste of time on everyone’s part. But ultimately God has his reasons and even though I don’t know why all this happened this way, someday I know I will understand.

I love how God directs me to what he wants me to know are his words that I need to read. I found this passage in Psalms one day during a particularly rough day. I have probably read it many times before and just glanced over it. But on that day, God knew that I needed to read it and all of a sudden it described exactly how I felt. I cannot tell you how perfectly this passage fit me at the time. I remember crying when I read it because it was as if David had written the passage about me. However, it was also comforting in the fact that I knew God had led me to read this. And then it gave me hope as well as to what to place my faith and trust in.

Psalm 55: 1-2, 4-8, 12-17, 20-22; 23b

Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me
and I am distraught

My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen on me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm.”

If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.

As for me, I call to God,
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.

My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
His talk is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let
the righteous be shaken.

But as for me, I trust in you.

Truth be told, I don’t know what will happen next. Perhaps God has closed the door on this friendship for good. Or maybe it’s just for a season now where we’re not going to be friends. I don’t know. There’s a lot of letting go, waiting, and trusting in God that’s going to have to be done here. Sound familiar? I think that’s been the main theme of this blog…and my rebooted life.

Slightly topical, here’s another excellent article from Relevant, this time about when a friendship is draining and what are signs that you should be looking for to see if you need to end it.

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Right now, doors are my mortal enemy

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RoomOfDoors

Bear in mind this is sort of a rambling post. There’s been a lot going in my mind lately.

In my never-ending quest to trying to figure out what is going on in my life, I’ve realized that sometimes I feel like it’s a never-ending hallway full of doors. If you’ve read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, then you know of the scene that takes place in the Ministry of Magic with the doors. For the rest of you Muggles out there (that’d be non Wizarding folk), Harry and his friends find themselves in a room that’s full of doors and they don’t know which door to go through at first. All the doors are locked and they are trying to figure how to get in. And that’s how I’m feeling right now. I see all these doors, but I don’t know how to get in.

One of the things that I struggle with is knowing when a door has been really shut and when I’m just being stupid and ignoring the fact that it is. It all comes down to letting go of control, trusting in God and just waiting. I know all about that. I’ve written about (see evidence in those links). But sometimes it’s still hard. Because you don’t know what you should do. And even after prayer, reading the Bible, asking for advice, and surrendering, the answer still isn’t all that clear. And God seems silent.

There have been times when I know a door has been shut in my life. Relationships, jobs, school, things I wanted to happen. The door is shut so firmly and with a loud bang that it’s so completely obvious. And even though I didn’t understand at the time why the door was closed, I still KNEW it had been shut.

Looking back, one amusing “door slam shut” story involved a guy that I started to become aware of possibly being interested in. I didn’t fully like him but I was gathering the notion of what it would be to like him. I told a girlfriend the next day, and she was the first person who I had told, heck I had just barely admitted it to myself. I ended up hanging out with him and a few friends that night, and I’m starting to think “Hmm I can see this working”. An hour passes and we’re all talking, and one friends asks the guy “Oh, where did these [food items] come from?” He replies, “My girlfriend…..who I started dating yesterday.” I was floored. After I got my jaw off the ground, I had to laugh because I knew then that God had immediately slammed that door shut before I had even gotten the chance to get it open more than a tiny crack. Eventually it all worked out for the best as they are now engaged and I’m really happy for them. But it was just amusing because I KNEW God had done this and stopped it before it could even get started.

But then there are other times when I’ve tried to close a door and God will NOT let it close. I’ve begged, pleaded, cried, walked away with the intention of never trying to open it again, only to have it swing wide back open again. But when I walk back towards the door, I can’t walk through it or it starts to shut slowly again. And I don’t know why it’s happening. Because if I were to sit there and wait for that door on my own, I’m expecting a long and painful wait. I’ve prayed a lot about it. And right now I feel that God is telling me that it’s ok to walk away from that door now, but he’s still leaving it open. I’m not really looking back at the door and I feel like I’m not the one that’s meant to go through it first. I wish that the door would stay shut so that I could freely move on, but perhaps that’s not what God wants for me right now. Meanwhile there’s another door ahead of me that does seem open but I can’t get to it yet. That’s also slightly frustrating because that door feels like it finally opened and I want to go in there. I may be slightly impatient as I’m stuck in that big waiting room.

A friend once told me that if God wants to close a door in your life, no matter how hard you push and shove, it will not budge open. Likewise if he wants to keep it open, I will never be able to pull that door shut no matter how hard I try.

So basically the only thing I can do right now is just keep doing everything I have been. And pray that even though I don’t know why everything is happening the way things are going now, that in the future I’ll understand.