Category Archives: Ponderings

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How You Can’t Really Know but You Can Prepare

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I’m banking on the fact that a lot of folks won’t be reading this due to the Thanksgiving holiday. Then again if you’re reading this, you’ve just proved me wrong. I’ll start by wishing to those who are celebrating, Happy Thanksgiving! I’ve had a lot to be thankful for this year and even when time have been rough, I’ve found plenty of things to be grateful for. Like this blog for example.

So last week I got real with y’all and talked about THINGS. And so now it’s basically public knowledge of where I’ve been, where I stand, and where I want to go with things. If folks who know me are still clueless about everything, at this point I’ve done all I can.

The future looks scary because it’s unknown and it’s all new. Wanting to date. That’s weird. I didn’t think I’d be here again. And it’s all changed so much since I was in college doing this. Then again, I was very young and stupid in college so I wouldn’t want to relieve those days again.

If you’ve ever hung out with me in great detail then you know how I like to be prepared (yes, here we go again with my like for spoilers). I just want to make sure I have a good knowledge of what’s coming ahead. That is why I read tourbooks for Disney World every year in hopes that one day I can really go and experience the park. I like to prepare for worst case scenarios. I even went out and got every book from the library on “How to be a bridesmaid” after being asked my best friends to be in their wedding. Yes, I am that type of person.

And while I know fully well that no book or manual or guide or book of magical spells will every fully prepare you for what happens when you date, fall in love, have heart broken, repeat, repeat, repeat, find person who wants to marry you, etc., it still doesn’t hurt to learn and prepare during your time of waiting. The first time I did this, I wasn’t prepared at all, I will admit. Now as I’ve grown up and I’m wiser, I want to be ready. There will of course still be a lot to learn but at least now I have a better idea of what to expect. I also know that there are some people who will say they don’t need any help at all. And that’s fine. I just know that I will take help when I can.

Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily agree with EVERYTHING I’m about to list but there are key points that I do find helpful in these things. I also don’t expect you to agree with everything either.

Books:

The Sacred Search by Gary L. Thomas

Real Men Don’t Text by Ruthie and Michael Dean. On a personal note: reading this book was like reading the last two years of my life 😦

Cupidity: 50 Things People Do for Love and How to Avoid Them by Hayley and Michael DiMarco

The Single Woman: Life, Love and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale

True Love Dates by Debra Fileta

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller

Reclaiming Your Heart by Denise Hildreth Jones

Online sermon series:

If you think church is boring and stale and isn’t relevant, then you should take a listen to these two sermon series. The pastors are really easy to listen to, use humor, but are also very frank with what they have to say. I wish more churches would talk about these subjects as I know there are many singles, dating, and even married couples in the church who can benefit from hearing this.

Andy Stanley – 4 part sermon series “The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating” “Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?”

  • Part One – The Right Person Myth (Don’t Fall for the “right person” Myth”
  • Pat Two – The Gentleman’s Club (Women should be honored, and not treated like a commodity)
  • Part Three – Designer Sex (Sex is so much more than physical)
  • Part Four – If I Were You (Prepare for a Successful Marriage)

Perry Noble – 5 part sermon series “Don’t Get Married Until…”

  • Part One – You Hear From God
  • Part Two – You’re Willing to Be a Man
  • Part Three – You’re Willing to be a Woman
  • Part Four – Q&A with the pastor and his wife
  • Part Five – You Deal with Your Junk

So there you go. These are resources that I found helpful. Maybe there’s someone out there who will as well. I just know that, personally, I want to do as much that I can to make things work whenever it’s time. Even though I can’t control or know how “he” is going to be, at least this time I can’t look back and say I wish I had known all these things before hand. All this is being done with a lot of prayer, a lot of trusting in God, and a lot of faith.

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The Elephant in the Room

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elephant

So it is time that we acknowledged it.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, then you know that I’ve talked a lot about being single and how it’s been a struggle trusting God and waiting during this time period. However, if you are someone who used to follow my old blog and/or you know me in real life but we aren’t super close, then you are probably somewhat confused and have been wondering things for a while but was just afraid to ask.

So to answer your unasked question, I am currently single and I didn’t used to be. I got married when I was 24 and got divorced when I was 28. Out of respect for my ex-husband and because the entire world doesn’t need to know, I am not going to state publicly the reason for our divorce. However, if I am asked about it (and I know you somewhat), I don’t mind talking about it.

As a Christian, divorce can be a very touchy subject. Even when I was going through my own process, it was something that I had to pray a lot about and went through counseling before finally making the decision. It was a hard and tough one to make, quite possibly the most difficult decision I ever made. It’s not something you think about doing when you start the relationship (at least I hope the majority of people don’t do it). It’s definitely not something to be taken lightly. When I finally made the decision, I knew that I was going to lose a lot. I lost a lot of friendships.The biggest things were all the hopes and dreams that I had. I also had to rebuild myself up; my self-esteem and confidence from feeling like I wasn’t worthy or good enough.

I believe due to the nature of the reason of the divorce, I haven’t received any outward negative reactions from most people. One thing I was terrified of was being judged, especially by other Christians because of what it says in the Bible about divorce. And I know that there are people out there who do judge me. I will say this: before you judge me (or anyone else basically), unless you have gone through what I’ve gone through you will never know what it was like for me and you cannot tell me what I should have done or what you would have done instead. I made the decisions that was best for me in my situation and I have not regretted my choices and no matter what anyone says to me, I will not feel guilty for what happened. However, if there are people who are judging me horribly, they haven’t let me know right to my face. Instead I have found love, caring, and understanding in the people I have shared this with.

It is a bit weird sometimes to relate with other divorced women in the church. As I was only 28 when it was finalized (and I had been separated much earlier), I’m still quite young compared with most other women. They tended to be in the 40s+ and with children. And their situations are completely different from mine.

There have been though some amazing and things that have come out of all this. First and foremost, my faith in God has skyrocketed. During the worst parts of all this, I felt so alone and abandoned by everyone, including God. I was so angry at him for having all this happen and I blamed him for everything. But looking back, I realize that he never left me. He was protecting me the whole time and keeping me from harm. Even during the absolute worst time, I was in the final weeks of graduate school and I had two huge papers that I needed to write, and I have no idea how I was able to concentrate and get it done and I somehow walked away with a B+ and an A. Since then, I’ve never stopped seeking God and wanting to learn more from him.

I’ve also found that I’ve had to do things to step out of my comfort zone. Because I was finding myself being alone, I knew that I had to reach out other people even though (as I’ve stated) I hate initiating things. My church has an active young adult group and I forced myself to attend so I could find community and not be alone. Even though it was horrible rough and awkward for me at first, I kept going and that has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Through doing that, I’ve found some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life, who continually show me love and have been there every time I needed someone. I found that I didn’t have to go through it alone. I cannot thank them enough for being there during those horrible rough times and I know that God specifically placed them in my life. I have been blessed so much that I feel like I can never repay them and I continue to so thankful for them. In fact, my church in general has been wonderful throughout all this, showing and providing me support when I didn’t think it was possible.

My specific situation has also seen so much good come out of it. I’ve been able to share my story with other people and I’ve seen God specifically work in their lives because of it. It makes me look back and realize that even through a horrible mess God can create something beautiful. One of my very favorite stories ever of God working in my life is me being able to share my story with someone, who at the time I had known for about a week and a half. God kept nudging and telling me to share my story, which I kept resisting because I barely knew the person. Then I literally felt God hit me on the head to speak, and so I  finally shared not knowing why I was doing this (as I hadn’t shared my story with even my closest friends) and just trusted God. Nothing was said that night to explain the reason and I felt rather foolish doing it. But then it was revealed to me a few weeks later exactly why I shared and that spiraled off into so much good, that it can’t be denied how much God was working in our lives. Since then if God tells me to do something, I don’t resist him anymore.

So there have been many things I’ve learned and been blessed from God from this.

I’m not saying I’m in an ideal situation though. Being divorced still has somewhat of a stigma. I can’t hide it and I’m not going to. Sometimes though it almost feels like a label. If the option is there, I have to choose divorced. If someone can’t accept the fact that I’m divorced and that becomes a deal breaker, I have to accept it. We all come with baggage, I just come with some that I can’t hide. There are many people who believe that I should never get married again, and I have committed a horrible sin. As I do want to start dating again now, it can possibly be a very uphill road to climb. There are guys who will only want girls who have never been married and will never look twice at me once I reveal it to them. It’s sometimes hard to not be jealous of my friends who are going through all the events I’d thought I’d be experiencing now. It’s harder to wait and hope that one day it will eventually happen to me.

But it’s going to be ok. I’ve become a much stronger person because of this. If you were to see me four years ago and then see me now, you wouldn’t recognize me. Heck I barely even recognize myself. It seems like a completely different life time ago. I’ve basically become a different, better, and stronger person because of all this. It’s been an adventure and it’s going to continue to be one. I never thought I’d find myself in this place again, I thought I was done with dating and all the emotions that come with it.  It’s not going to be all fun and games as broken hearts, unrequited love, awkward times, all that jazz will and have already happened.

But you know what? I’m excited about it. I feel that I have a different approach and mindset now than I did before, mostly coming from being older and wiser. I have learned a lot from my past and I believe that when it’s time, I’ll enter a new relationship with a better expectations and with a new way of approaching things. God’s put me in this time and place for a reason and I choose to trust him with all this. I’ve gotten a chance to have a reboot in my life, and my goal is to make it worth it. I still believe that God has in his plans for me to get married and eventually have a family. He has continued to place that desire in my heart and so with a lot of prayer I wait for that day, trusting that God will be faithful and fulfill his promise.

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
“What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

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Silence is Golden…or is it?

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silence

What’s your relationship with silence?

  • I enjoy it
  • I want more of it in my life
  • I like a little background noise
  • I am uncomfortable with it

Silence can be both a blessing and a curse.

When you live with constant noise all the time, you crave silence. You want peace and quiet and you don’t want to be distracted by anything. Getting away from everything helps out a lot. You need to find a place where you can relax and just bask in the sounds of nothingness. Going away on a retreat can really help with this. By turning off your cell phones and not checking in with the rest of the world can be the most refreshing thing you can ever do. I’ve been in the mountains of West Virginia where it is absolutely silent. When the night arrives and the stars come out and are RIGHT THERE, with all the quiet surrounding me I feel really close to God. I welcome the silence then.

But then there are times when silence feels like a curse. These times basically come during times of waiting. (I am sensing a repeating theme here). When you are waiting to hear if you got the job or not. When you’re waiting to see if people will respond to an RSVP. When you’ve contacted someone and you’re waiting for them to reply with a text or call.  When you’ve never gone more than a few days without talking to someone who’s been extremely close to you, and then suddenly they disappear completely out of your life and you have no idea why or what happened. That’s when silence become your enemy. The silence can be suffocating. It feels like you can’t push it away not matter how hard you try. You feel trapped in it and the quiet and stillness that you once welcomed for its comfort now has got a death grip on you. It’s filled with so many unanswered questions as you sit there and wait and don’t hear anything. The quiet that was once peaceful is now so loud with the sound of uncertainty, fear, and doubt.

And then there’s silence from God:

  • “Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1)
  • “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:1-2)
  • “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.” (Psalm 22:1-2)
  • To you, Lord, I call; you are my Rock, do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who go down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. (Psalm 28:1-2)

Even King David felt that there were times when God seemed so far away. When you feel like your prayers are just going to the ceiling and you’re not getting any feedback. How many times have you cried out to God only to not hear back anything? And it’s frustrating when you want an answer…any answer. Yes or no. Just a sign to know that he’s there and you’re not just saying words to the air. “Lord, just throw me a bone here! Give me something to work with!”

And yet it’s in that very painful and raw silence that God works the most in you. I don’t know about you but even though I’m not getting an answer immediately, I’m still continuing to keep turning to God. Unlike human beings, God has not left me and he hasn’t forsaken me. God is never too busy for me when I need to talk to him. He’s not going to leave me hanging and wondering if I’ve done something to offend him or if he just wanted to end our relationship.

Even though I don’t understand at all why things are going in my life the way they are, I know that I can trust in the fact that God DOES know and he is in charge of everything. And because of this truth and faith, I know that there is a reason why he isn’t answering me at this moment. It’s frustrating, yes. And if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I don’t like waiting and I want an answer.

But it doesn’t mean that God will always stay silent. There have been and will be times when God’s answer is so loud and clear that you cannot ignore it no matter how hard you try. And because I know God will always answer, I’ll take his silence for now, until I’m ready for his answer.

  • Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer. (Psalm 4:1)
  • Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. (Psalm 4:3)

Jon Acuff wrote this wonderful (and actually serious) post a while back about The Beautiful Reason God Might Not Be Talking to You Right Now. I love this post so much because it describes my walk with God to a T. Also another excellent article from Relevant, What to Remember When God is Silent.

(PS If you understand the picture in this post, you are awesome and we are friends)

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Clenched Fists vs Open Hands

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Letting go of control is hard.

You want your life to go a certain way and you keep trying to do everything you can possible to make it happen. This however can lead to a lot of stress and anxiety in your life.

I think it’s because I’m female that I feel like I need to control things in my life. As women, we sometimes (ok mostly) think that if we had things go our way then everything will run as they should. I know that I tend to let my emotions take control of my actions and reactions, and that in turn causes havoc in my life.

The hardest part of letting go of trying to control everything is basically learning how to trust. For me, that goes back to trusting in God that he can and will handle any situation that I’m finding myself wanting to control. When the anxiety and the stress take over my life, to the point where I’m having panic attacks and freaking out over situations that haven’t and may never happen, then I know that I need to stop.

And the honest truth? It’s hard to not want to control that. When things aren’t going as you originally planned and you’re facing the unexpected unknown, it can get scary. As I’ve said before, I’m not good with not knowing how things are going end up. I want things to go the way I want.

Part of me has always been scared to just let go and let things happen. I have always had this fear that if I didn’t involve myself somehow that nothing would ever get done. For example, one of my biggest fears is that if I wasn’t the one to initiate contact with my friends, that they would never do it themselves and that it was only me that was keeping the friendship going. Soon I realized that if that’s truly the type of person that they are, to quote Incubus, “Goodbye, nice to know you.”

So it has been a bit of a weird day as I continue to write this blog post. I have been struggling for the past couple of days on an issue where I know God has told me to wait and trust him, to let go of the control, and to let him take over. But at the same time, I’ve been wondering if God just wants me to sit there and do nothing. After having a particularly rough night, I woke up the next morning only to have the very first thing I read was my Bible study in the book of James about being in the waiting season and how the growing during the waiting is the hardest part. Because as we’re forced to wait, our grumbling wants to take over.

And then I’ve been like “God, I need to know what to do! Tell me what to do!” as I just sit here twiddling my thumbs. Then this article appears about being active while waiting on God. I realized that God doesn’t want me to just be idle while I wait. If I don’t do anything, how can I grow in trusting God when I just let him do everything for me?

  • “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
  • “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

“Where is the Lord bringing me low today, so that He might lift me up? What am I clenching in my fist that I refuse to see as His? What is it that I long so desperately to build, to control, to call MINE?” (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/09/10/danielday8/)

I was talking with a close friend in the morning and shared that quote, revealing what exactly I’m holding onto in my clenched fist. And how I felt that even though God has made a promise, he still wants me to step out in faith and trust him.  And I can’t do that, until I let go of what is in my clenched fist. Because basically I am putting God in a box, saying to him, “Hey Lord! Sure I trust you! I know that what you said will come true! But you know, I still want things to go a certain way, so I’m going to hold on to some things here, and we’ll just work around it, ok? You still do your thing, but I’m going to keep this in my grasp while you do that.”

Ok you see what’s wrong with that? That’s not how God works at all. You can’t jump off the diving board if you’re still gripping on to the ladder railings. How can you move on and let God work in your life if you won’t let go? So in my own situation, I’m choosing to let go of something I care deeply about. And it’s scary. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’m about to do something, that I never really wanted to do. But I feel that God just wants me to take this next step.  For all I know, many good things could stem from opening this door and I will never look behind me. Or God may just simply want me to open my hands and release all of the control and the things I want the most that I thought never would happen will happen. I don’t know what he has planned next other than I know that he will be with me every step of the way. That’s the beauty and scary part about all this.

As I said, it’s been continuing to be a weird few days. In the afternoon after I had decided how I was going to react to my situation, this article appears on Relevant‘s website about how to “Seek Impact, Not Attention“. In the middle of my freaking out over the way coincidental timing of the post, this part jumped out at me

In life we can live with clenched fists or open hands. A clenched fist signifies a desire to control, a lack of faith and a reluctance to adapt. Open hands signify a servant’s heart, a faith manifested in Holy Spirit promptings, and a persistent asking of “What now, Abba?”

You cannot move beyond the pursuit of getting noticed while living with clenched fists.

Thank you God for answering my prayers by showing me what I needed to read/hear when I asked for wisdom, clarity, and discernment about how to handle what I am going through. Thank you for showing me what you want me to do.  Help me to keep trusting in you and have my faith remain strong in you. And I know what you have promised me and because of that, I will continue to keep obeying you. I know you will never leave me or forsake me. Help me not to be fearful of what is to come.

I’m about to jump off the diving board. I’m letting go of the ladder. My fists are no longer clenched and I’m opening up my hands. I’m letting go and I’m going to let God.

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  • “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel.” (Psalm 73:21-24a)
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Wait, they don’t love you like I love you…

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

I am fairly confident that I would say about 98% of people who are reading this post have been in love at some point in their life. You may not have told the person the actual words of “I love you” but it’s probably a safe guess that you have held feeling of that nature towards someone else.  And it’s probably a pretty good guess that a good majority of those folks have also been in love with someone who doesn’t love them back.

Now either you actually told them how you felt and then were disappointed when they said they couldn’t return the feelings or you loved the person from afar and watched as they gave those feelings away to someone else. Either way, unless you have an unbreakable heart or cannot feel things, you have experienced pain and heartache. When you feel deeply for someone and they can’t return those feelings, it hurts like crap. And because you’ve essentially offered up yourself only to be rejected, what usually follows are feelings of wondering what is wrong with you and what does someone else have that you don’t.

The emo song of all girls everywhere who love a guy that doesn’t love her back.

Because we feel better knowing that we’re not alone in feeling this way, I’ve chosen three examples from TV shows and movies that I believe describes the feelings that come with having a love that is unrequited.

WARNING! THERE BE SPOILERS THROUGHOUT! YOU WERE WARNED!!!!!

The first clip is from the 1994 version of Little Women, starring Winona Ryder as Jo and Christian Bale as Laurie. Jo and Laurie have been best friends for several years. Jo wants to go out, make her mark in the world, and live out her life, before even considering to think about settling down and getting married.Laurie, meanwhile, has decided he knows what he wants now. Every time I watch this scene, I’m like “Who on earth would say no to Christian Bale????” Laurie’s pain is very evident here as shown here by the words he says to her refusal. Unfortunately I believe what he does later on in the story and who he ends up with is purely a rebound from this scene. Start at the :52 mark.

The next scene is from the series 3 finale of Doctor Who, where Martha leaves the Tenth Doctor as his companion. Even though the two became extremely close friends, Martha had the unfortunate opportunity of being the companion following Rose Tyler who had been very close to the Doctor. Martha is a very smart and independent woman, herself a medical student, but she falls in love with the Doctor who doesn’t love her back. Some people aren’t a fan of Martha for this reason (they must be Rose fans). Throughout most of her season, you can see Martha struggling with her feelings, hoping that he’ll change his mind but he doesn’t. There is one episode where he does fall in love with someone, but it isn’t her and it pains her tremendously. The following clip is when Martha finally realizes what she has to do in order to help herself. Start at the 1:40 mark.

The final clip is from How I Met Your Mother. The majority of the entire series deals with Ted and Robin’s relationship. Ted and Robin are best friends. Ted has been in love with Robin from the beginning of this story and it is because of their relationship that triggers the search for the mother. From the very first episode, Ted has had strong feelings from Robin that have pretty much never wavered. Robin, on the other hand, has been pretty unsure about her feelings for Ted. She cares for him, but not as much as he does. Ted has lost several relationships because of his continued feelings for Robin and it is something that he keeps struggling with because she is one of his best friends. However, this scene marks a strong turning point for Ted in terms of their relationship. (The original clip got removed so I’ve replaced it. For the most part it’s the same thing)

The biggest thing to remember when your love isn’t returned that is you can’t let the hurt take over you. Yes, perhaps you do have some flaws but so does everyone. However just because the other person can’t return how you feel doesn’t mean you are a failure. Do not put the other person on a pedestal and think that their love is more worthy than yours They aren’t perfect and they are just as flawed as you are. You are not any less worthy a person just because one person doesn’t love you back. Having their love will not validate you as a person and they will not fix you. Only you can do that.

However, it’s perfectly normal to feel like you’re in the worst pain that you’ve ever felt in your life. Being rejected no matter how nice the other person was about it still sucks. You’ve basically offered what you thought was the best of you only to get turned down. And yes, there is the temptation to become bitter and angsty (and sometimes pyscho) and wish that one day this would happen to the other person so they can in turn understand all the hurt that you’re going through now. I caution against that. Accept the hurt. Mourn the loss. Let the pain happen. It sucks. It’s painful. Don’t try to play it off as it’s nothing and shove those feelings under a rug and ignore them.

BUT don’t let it take over you. It’s not always going to feel like that. You’re going to be ok. Things will get better. Or I’ll let Iris (Kate Winslet) from The Holiday explain it:

You may be in that deep, dark hole right now. You may feel like your heart has been ripped apart. You can cry and yell and curse at the world. But soon you will want to look up. And you will see the light trying to reach into that pit. And you will crawl out of there. And you will have hope. And you will be whole again.

  • “I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.” You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.” You, Lord, took up my case; you redeemed my life.”  (Lamentations 3:55-58)
  • “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.” (Psalm 25:16-18)
  • “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” (Hosea 6:1-3)
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The Girl Who Waited

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I am not good at waiting. I tend to be a very impatient person. When I want something to happen, I want it to happen now. I want to know what’s going to happen. I don’t like having to wait for things or to find out how it’s all going to turn out. In fact I’m rather annoyed that I have to wait several weeks before this blog post gets posted as I’m scheduling it in advance and not publishing it right away!

I’ve said this before, but I like spoilers. Yes I look at the back of the book when I want to know what happens. I don’t like being caught off guard. I’m not really a good person to go see a suspense movie with because I can’t stand the suspense.

So knowing my personality and preferences, it’s really frustrating when God tells you as an answer to your prayer that he just wants you to wait. “Come on God, really? Do you realize how hard this is? Can’t you just tell me what’s going to happen?” Nope that’s not how God works. He’s not like a genie in a bottle that grants wishes. He’s not going to make things go faster just because we want them to happen now. There’s a reason why he wants us to wait. And it’s usually when we finally stop fighting him and allow him to take over that we begin to realize why.

I have found for me that the best times for me to do my quiet time with God is in the car during my commutes. It’s good because, thanks to the lovely Northern Virginia traffic, since I have to sit in traffic there aren’t usually a lot of distractions that take my focus away. And there have been times, when I get severely frustrated with the slowness of how things that God has promised me seem to be progressing. And I tend to yell at God and just tell him how angry I am at him and how I don’t understand why things are going this way and how I don’t believe that what he says is going to happen…basically everything from Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible.

I want to know what exactly am I waiting on (is it what I want or is it something that has yet to be revealed?) and exactly how long am I supposed to be waiting (days, weeks, months, years? Should I be actively waiting or push it aside and forget about it for now?).

And then because I’m hoarse from yelling, I turn on the radio to fill up the silence. And I swear this song comes on the radio EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME I started to argue with God about having to wait.

And I’ll kneel down,
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down,
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

-“I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons

And yes I know that this song has been super popular and every station seems to be playing it, and also the song is quite ambiguous if it’s about waiting for the person you love or about God. But the fact that the song would come on right when I needed it makes me feel more like it’s a small and subtle reminder from God on what I need to do.

  • “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:21-26)

I’m not going to wait for specific things to happen. I’m not going to put my energy, time, or any part of me sitting around waiting for that one day to come for things I want. I can’t waste my life away. Instead I will wait for God. I will wait with God. The difference is that I am giving him the control and not me trying to make something happen on my own. I will allow him to have things happen in his own time frame and not mine because I realize that it is not the right time yet. God’s laid on my heart what he wants me to do and he’s made me a promise of what is to come. Who am I to try and force his hand?

“Child,” [Aslan] replied, “that is why all the rest are now a horror to her. That is what happens to those who pluck and eat fruits at the wrong time and in the wrong way. The fruit is good, but they loathe it ever after…….For the fruit always works – it must work- but it does not work happily for any who pluck it at their own will.” – from THE MAGICIAN’S NEPHEW by C.S. Lewis

A good explanation of why even though you may want something NOW, it’s better to wait. No matter how it good it may be NOW, wait until it’s time and it will even better than you could possibly imagine.

There are two excellent articles from Relevant Magazine that I have found extremely helpful to me during this time period. The first is “Why Won’t God Hurry Up?”, a question I find myself asking all the time. The other “5 Reasons Why God Makes Us Wait” is kind of ironic for me.  The day that article was published, that morning I had literally just had another “Why God? Why am I waiting? Why am I doing this? Why do I have to wait?” conversation with God when I refreshed Relevant’s homepage and then BOOM! That article then appeared on my screen. It was kind of freaky and comforting all at the same time.

  • “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:24-25)
3

Finding Peace (aka I can breathe normal again)

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So a few weeks ago I wrote a post on trusting God when things seem impossible. I’ve been encouraged by the feedback I’ve gotten for it. It’s been really good to hear other people share their experiences with me.

In the past few weeks my church did a series entitled The Missing Peace. The series dealt with what is the concept of peace, how to find peace, and being peacemakers. The congregation was also encouraged to send questions via email about these topics. I didn’t submit a question, mainly because I wasn’t quite sure exactly how to phrase what I wanted to ask about knowing when to give up vs when to keep praying and trusting in terms of finding peace; also I was slightly terrified they would use names when asking the question and I didn’t want to risk that. (I know, I have no problems saying this on my blog which is PUBLIC but God forbid people in my church found out! Yes I see the ridiculousness in that as well. I encourage you to laugh at/with me.)

Thanks to the messages in the series and discussion with my small group afterwards, I decided to have a good long talk with God about my life and things I’ve been struggling with.  And after I was done, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a peace about things in my life. It’s been a while (or perhaps even never) that I’ve had the sense of peace that’s come over me.

I still have NO IDEA what’s going to happen in my life. I am still going to feel anxious and worry at times. That’s normal and natural. If I didn’t feel like that, then I’m not a human. Struggles WILL happen. But the thing is, this time I feel that God’s given me a sense of direction of what he wants me to do in my life right now. And he’s telling me “You’ve done everything you can. Now give it over me and trust me.” And for the first time ever in this area of my life, I’m finally relinquishing that control and I’m letting him take over.

When I did that, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of me. I can’t begin to tell you what a difference that’s made in my life since doing that. Honestly the simple act of giving over my worries and anxieties over to God has made me feel so much lighter and less stressed. I’ve had several friends remark on how I seem a lot better, not stressed out as much, and seem calm compared to where I was a few months ago. What normally would be an antagonizing and emotional time for me, where I withdraw and become angst filled, has instead been a time where I am feeling relatively motivated, happy, and overall peace filled.

God’s been showing me more since I asked him to (doors have been shut and sealed, while others still remain open). Even simple little prayer requests that would have seemed very trivial beforehand, I’m now asking God and they are getting answered. And then I’m seeing him working in other areas, some I didn’t even consider and now I realize it’s all happened because of Him. Just more reassurances of what happens when you trust in Him.

It’s funny how certain parts of our lives we can trust God completely and know that he will take care and provide for us without a doubt.  Then there are other parts where we fight and wrestle for control with God because we don’t trust him enough to fulfill and meet those areas of our lives. Even though the obvious answer is that of course God will meet all our needs, it’s just in his time and not ours. Part of our responsibility is to just let go and let him take over. And once you reach that point, it honestly becomes so much better.

When you learn to surrender & let go rather than cling & control..everything falls into place as it should. – The Single Woman

Just an addendum: I’m not going to sugarcoat things and tell you this was an easy choice for me. It’s hard. It may seem like the obvious thing to do, but you have to make the choice to get to this decision and it can take a long time before you realize what you need to do. Just keep praying and trusting and stay strong in your faith. And it’s ok when you have down days and feel like you don’t understand things. You are normal. Take heart.

  • “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” (Psalm 25:4-7)
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Dear Diary…

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IMG_20130928_114738So it should come to no surprise that I am a journaler.  I know…a blogger who also journals? Shocking.

I used to keep an online journal back in the day.  Remember Livejournal? Well I had that, its emo little sister Deadjournal, and also an Upsaid account, though that website no longer exists. Those entries were so drama filled, full of angst, and emotion.  I mean, what do you expect from a 18-20 year old college student who gets her heart broken repeatedly? I shudder when I go back and read those entries because 1) I had made them public and put the link on my AIM profile so that EVERYONE could see them and 2) SO MUCH $#*#@$!!! DRAMA ABOUT BOYS.  I pity the guys who I was involved with during those years because everything’s all right there in the open for everyone to see.  It is so embarrassing reading those things. Seriously I want to slap my 18-20 year old self repeatedly, what on earth was I thinking?! How on earth did I possibly think doing that would be a good idea? Don’t worry, I am not like that anymore.  If anything, it won’t be so obvious when I’m talking about you….(jk)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been learning (and sometimes the hard way) to NOT put my emotions out in public on social media. Usually one does it to try to attract the attention of certain parties in a passive aggressive matter.  So to stop myself from doing this, I started to write in actual physical journals.  I started off at first because I realized that my friends (who are awesome) didn’t want to be burdened all the time with my problems.

Journaling has been very therapeutic for me.  I write A LOT.  I bring my journal with me everywhere in case the mood strikes or if I’m bored. I’ve been getting the spiral bound bargain journals from Barnes and Nobles. For less than $5, I get about 200 pages of blank canvas. I’m currently on my 7th journal of 2013. Yes, I know that’s a LOT of writing. And before you ask, I like to fill up almost every page front to back, top to bottom in the books.  I’ve found that by channeling the first wave of emotions through writing it down in the journal helps out a lot.  By the time I actually talk to my friends about things that are still bothering me, I’ve already filtered out all the immediate knee jerk emotions and by then I have been able to process and think clearly.

I’ve gone back and read the journals I’ve kept for the past 2 years.  And I’ll say it’s been a very interesting journey reading them.  I kind of feel like River Song and her journal. Lots of spoilers! It’s quite amazing how many things I’ve predicted came true. But in honesty, it feels like when I wrote entries months ago, it’s almost like I knew I would need to be reminding in the future of things when I reread it.  I’ve even included notes for my future self, if I reread these journals five, 10, even 50 years from now. It’s almost like reading a story as it’s being written and wondering how everything is going to turn out.

I would hope that no one ever sees what I write though.  It’s like Tom Riddle’s diary. I’ve included part of my soul in these journals, they carry a part of me. And if someone were to read them without my consent, they would be discovering a part of me that I tend to keep hidden. It’s me being raw, vulnerable, and sometimes weak. It always annoys me in movies, TV shows, and books when someone snoops and reads a diary that doesn’t belong to them, and they get mad at what they read.  It usually never dawns on them that they are in the wrong in the first place for reading what doesn’t belong to them. That being said, there  have been times when I do share what I’ve written in my journal. You have to be the right person, in the right time, and the right place for that to happen.

Do you journal? How long have you been journaling? Do you have a physical journal or do you keep it electronic?

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Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible

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In case you didn’t already know, faith is a big part of my life. I’m a Christian and my faith in God is very important to me. I fully understand that not everyone is going to agree with me and that’s ok. I’m not planning on shoving anything down your throat or forcing you to believe in what I believe. But this is a part of me; it makes me who I am.

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Swap The Doctor for God and Amy for Deborah, and this is how life feels like sometimes. (For the record, I know God always tells the truth, though sometimes he doesn’t tell it ALL)

Even though I am confident and in assurance of my relationship and faith with God, I still have struggles.  My main one at the moment is trusting in God when things seem impossible.  Basically, when do you let go and give up vs. when do you keep praying and trusting that God will make something happen (with you, of course, doing your share)? How long and far does/should faith go? For the record, I’m not talking about instances where things are illogically impossible (ie. Dear God, please let every kid on the planet own a unicorn!”) but instead situations where you’re not sure whether you should keep praying/trusting or should just abandon the hope.  Sometimes I feel that because I want something so badly, surely God isn’t going to let it happen.

There have been instances in my life where I know that God has spoken to me and made promises.  How do I know this? With confirmation through prayer, reading Scripture, getting advice from trusted sources.  It’s not like I magically heard God’s voice saying “This will happen!” Believe me, there have been many times when I question myself if I’ve made up everything in my head. And then I worry, if I truly believe that it’s from God and it doesn’t come through, will my entire faith shatter? But every time when I seriously doubt God’s promises, there have been many forms of backup that prove that I could not have manipulated things myself.  And I’ve seen where he HAS answered prayers regarding to these certain promises I worry about now, it’s just the whole promise hasn’t been fulfilled yet.

Right now, I’m not sure if my fear is getting in the way or I’m just ignoring what is right in front of my face.  I don’t want to be stupid about this. Is God trying to show me that he’s closing doors and I’m just ignoring that and just continuing to push against the doors because I don’t want them to be closed? Or am I just letting my fears grow substantially and all God wants me to do is trust in him and he WILL make it all work out, even though it all seems impossible, once I just give into the trust?

Thanks to one of the devotionals that I use, the part of Scripture that jumps out to me most during this time is in Genesis when God told Abraham and Sarah that even in their old age, they would have a son. Sarah’s response was to laugh mainly out of disbelief and I don’t blame her. In my impossible situation right now, I’m laughing at God too (“Yeah right, good joke God! I’ll believe it when I see it…which will most likely be never!”). And then they got tired of waiting and took matters into their own hands which led to the birth of Ishmael and that whole messy affair.

This—this distrust for God’s plan and His timing, this need to take control, this manipulation of circumstances to fit our “needs” instead of His will—this is when disaster happens. (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/07/11/day4/)

I don’t want that to happen in my own life. I don’t want to go against God’s instruction simply because I get impatient or don’t think that he will come through because I am scared and fearful to fully trust in him.

Waiting is the hardest part. Because right now I don’t know what’s going to happen. And it’s extremely scary right now.  I’m scared because I have no idea what, how, when, where or why things are going to play out.

And yet BECAUSE of my faith, I know what I need to do.  It’s out of my hands completely and I have to turn it over to God and let him be in control and not me.  Nothing is impossible for God:

  • “Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.” (Genesis 18:14)
  • “Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.” (Genesis 21: 1-2)

He will wait with you if you ask. He will sustain your faith. He will assure you that He is in control. He has a plan and it’s not ours to figure out. He will turn your restlessness into rest. Rest in Him. (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/07/11/day4/)

He will be faithful. He will fulfill His promise, blessing us with the desire that He alone put on our hearts. And, as it often does with the stories of our own lives, everything makes sense in the end. (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/07/12/day5/)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

(Photo credit: http://kasatkas.tumblr.com/post/10762813292/doctor-amy-you-need-to-start-trusting-me-its)

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The Day I Discovered I Wasn’t an Introvert

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For years, I thought I was an introvert.  I hate being in crowds because I’m not good at initiating conversation.  I wait for people to do it first and if they don’t, well, then I’m just the person standing in the corner looking awkward and waiting for everything to be over.  I thought I’d be happy in my career doing a job where I am hiding away in the stacks, working on researching on my own, and not having to worry about human interaction.  I thought it was going to be bliss, never having to deal with people, and not worrying about having to make up small talk.

And then it happened.  I finally got a job where I was completely alone for 5 months with no human contact all day.  I only saw my supervisor when he needed me which was once every three weeks and I also had no internet.  If I didn’t go out for lunch, I would not see a single human being all day.  Then at nights, I’d crave human interaction but most of my friends, having been around people all day, wanted to enjoy their quiet time and decompress.  So I’d go for 5 days and nights without seeing a single human and barely have any connection all day.

I started to go crazy and feeling depressed.  The loneliness began to feel like I was trapped in a box.  It felt like every time I wanted to hang out with someone, no one wanted to.  Even worse because many of my friends are married or dating and therefore it felt like they already have built in companions all the time, meanwhile  I’m sitting here all alone, feeling frustrated, and having a pity party.  It was like hitting a road block.

Then I realized I’m not actually an introvert.  I’m an extrovert.  I recharge and gain energy by being around other people.  However, I’m a shy extrovert.  I’m not good at initiating and I don’t need to be the center of attention at all.  But that’s how I recharge.  Just being around other people, even if all we do is just sit around and watch TV and not even talk, that gives me so much energy.  It’s also makes sense seeing as my main love language is quality time.  Basically this is mostly me.

Anyways, once I discovered this, it changed my outlook on a lot of things.  If I want to feel better, I have to go out and initiate instead of waiting for people to come around.  There are times when I do need to be by myself and that’s perfectly fine when I have alone down time.  Though I will admit there are times when I can’t get a hold of any of my friends and I’m forced to stay at home by myself.  And those nights are torture, usually ending with me falling to sleep really early so I can just get the night over with.

But at the same time, I’m learning it’s perfectly fine for me to go ahead and ask people first.  Just because I have to initiate doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because no one wants to be around me.  Believe me, when I say this is a hard thing for me to do. To go out of my comfort zone and not wait around for others.  It’s a learning process.  And it’s a new thing about myself that I’m trying to process and adapt to.  Small steps.  Small steps.