Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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Better Clench Up Legolas…

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Hawkeye

I have a weird superhero interest…semi-obsession. Not weird as in strange. But weird as in very random.

I am a fan of Clint Barton aka Hawkeye, the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent from the Marvel comics that is very skilled with a bow and arrow. Now before you start thinking “Oh, she only likes Jeremy Renner” that is not true. I have read several comic books with Hawkeye and I’ve also watched the Avengers cartoon.

I will admit that my interest did start because of the movie. I’m actually not quite sure how I became a fan though. I’ve gone back and looked at Facebook posts and tweets and there’s no evidence to showing how it began. The earliest thing I found was back in February of 2012 where I reference my excitement at seeing a trailer and then used a Hawkeye hashtag.

Now to be fair, I am a big fan of characters that are archers. Legolas, Katniss, Merida, Robin Hood. Heck I even got excited during the beginning of The Dark Knight Rises and Bruce Wayne pulls out a bow and arrow for a brief shot.  Because I’d like to do that myself one day.  With the archery lessons I am supposed to have. You know. One day.

With that in mind, when the trailers for the Avengers movie came out I had NOT yet seen Thor at the time. And while I do enjoy a good Renner flick, he’s not my main reason for watching a movie.  Therefore there isn’t really a logical explanation as to why I was so excited to see him in the movie.  Perhaps maybe because he was a smaller character and I was happy for that?

Anyways my fandom grew and after watching his cameo in Thor, I was very excited at seeing him in the movie. When he makes his first appearance in the Avengers, I audibly cheered in the theater. Then to my horror, they made him into a bad guy almost immediately.  Though now when I think about it, Hawkeye and Loki together is the ultimate dream team. And did you know that Hawkeye’s total screen time only equals to about 12 minutes? And that they had a girl beat him up? Regardless of all that, I very much enjoyed Renner’s performance in the movie. He has a few good lines and some really excellent archery action scenes. The one where he shoots the arrow perfectly WITHOUT LOOKING is a favorite. So much that I would actually be ok with a Black Widow/Hawkeye movie to explore their backstory because there really should be one to explain their characters’ chemistry. This is important because I’m not a Scarlet fan but I am willing to put that aside if this movie ever got made.

The thing with Hawkeye is that he’s not a superhero because of magical powers or super serum or freak accidents or high tech machinery. He’s just extremely skilled in prime peak condition and is REALLY good at what he does.  So that actually makes him more dangerous, at least in my opinion.

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I’m excited because Joss Whedon has confirmed that there will be more Hawkeye in the upcoming Avengers sequel. I’m a little disappointed because he’s not showing up in any other movie before then (as far as I know). I hope that Barton gets more mention the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. tv show because he actually IS a S.H.I.E.L.D agent and even if Renner doesn’t actually show up, the character should be mentioned more.

Now for the record, I do not have the same affections for Green Arrow from DC Comics. I have not watched the show and I am mostly unfamiliar with his story. Though I will say he does intrigue me with the archery and I will probably want to learn more in the future.

I get a lot of good natured teasing from my friends. All the jokes about him, I’ve heard. I’ve been sent things from the Hawkeye Initiative so many times. (Google it) I’ve had comics pasted on Facebook wall. I just shake my head.

But I know they love me because my Christmas and birthday presents have shown my friends going out of their way to get me things that feature Hawkeye. And it really is quite hard to find Avengers things with him in it as a lot of the marketing focuses on The Big Four (sometimes they even leave Hulk out). So when I receive something that has him in it, I know the time and energy spent trying to find it and it makes me love my friends even more as they help to enable the fangirl. It’s been joked that whoever I end up dating is going to be called Hawkeye for a while. Well, hope whoever that will be is ok with that….

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Right now, doors are my mortal enemy

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RoomOfDoors

Bear in mind this is sort of a rambling post. There’s been a lot going in my mind lately.

In my never-ending quest to trying to figure out what is going on in my life, I’ve realized that sometimes I feel like it’s a never-ending hallway full of doors. If you’ve read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, then you know of the scene that takes place in the Ministry of Magic with the doors. For the rest of you Muggles out there (that’d be non Wizarding folk), Harry and his friends find themselves in a room that’s full of doors and they don’t know which door to go through at first. All the doors are locked and they are trying to figure how to get in. And that’s how I’m feeling right now. I see all these doors, but I don’t know how to get in.

One of the things that I struggle with is knowing when a door has been really shut and when I’m just being stupid and ignoring the fact that it is. It all comes down to letting go of control, trusting in God and just waiting. I know all about that. I’ve written about (see evidence in those links). But sometimes it’s still hard. Because you don’t know what you should do. And even after prayer, reading the Bible, asking for advice, and surrendering, the answer still isn’t all that clear. And God seems silent.

There have been times when I know a door has been shut in my life. Relationships, jobs, school, things I wanted to happen. The door is shut so firmly and with a loud bang that it’s so completely obvious. And even though I didn’t understand at the time why the door was closed, I still KNEW it had been shut.

Looking back, one amusing “door slam shut” story involved a guy that I started to become aware of possibly being interested in. I didn’t fully like him but I was gathering the notion of what it would be to like him. I told a girlfriend the next day, and she was the first person who I had told, heck I had just barely admitted it to myself. I ended up hanging out with him and a few friends that night, and I’m starting to think “Hmm I can see this working”. An hour passes and we’re all talking, and one friends asks the guy “Oh, where did these [food items] come from?” He replies, “My girlfriend…..who I started dating yesterday.” I was floored. After I got my jaw off the ground, I had to laugh because I knew then that God had immediately slammed that door shut before I had even gotten the chance to get it open more than a tiny crack. Eventually it all worked out for the best as they are now engaged and I’m really happy for them. But it was just amusing because I KNEW God had done this and stopped it before it could even get started.

But then there are other times when I’ve tried to close a door and God will NOT let it close. I’ve begged, pleaded, cried, walked away with the intention of never trying to open it again, only to have it swing wide back open again. But when I walk back towards the door, I can’t walk through it or it starts to shut slowly again. And I don’t know why it’s happening. Because if I were to sit there and wait for that door on my own, I’m expecting a long and painful wait. I’ve prayed a lot about it. And right now I feel that God is telling me that it’s ok to walk away from that door now, but he’s still leaving it open. I’m not really looking back at the door and I feel like I’m not the one that’s meant to go through it first. I wish that the door would stay shut so that I could freely move on, but perhaps that’s not what God wants for me right now. Meanwhile there’s another door ahead of me that does seem open but I can’t get to it yet. That’s also slightly frustrating because that door feels like it finally opened and I want to go in there. I may be slightly impatient as I’m stuck in that big waiting room.

A friend once told me that if God wants to close a door in your life, no matter how hard you push and shove, it will not budge open. Likewise if he wants to keep it open, I will never be able to pull that door shut no matter how hard I try.

So basically the only thing I can do right now is just keep doing everything I have been. And pray that even though I don’t know why everything is happening the way things are going now, that in the future I’ll understand.

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Random Things that Popped in my Head During Thanksgiving Weekend

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So to wrap up the holiday weekend, here’s another edition of Random Thoughts: Thanksgiving version

  • I hate the I-95 corridor in the DC area. It took 2 hours just to go from Fairfax to Fredericksburg alone on Wednesday afternoon. TWO HOURS.  And why does everyone magically disappear once you hit Fredericksburg?
  • Why is Northern Virginia a black hole for Sonic Drive-ins? The closest ones are at least over an hour away.
  • Why are Sonic drinks so tasty? Is it because we don’t have them around that makes them so craveable? (Dang it, I want one now)
  • Butterball told us that for four people who are big eaters and want leftovers, you should get a 8 lb turkey. We got a 16lb.
  • My family really enjoys Thanksgiving. It is the one day of the year, we purposefully don’t eat rice. Instead we have at least three types of potatoes: mashed, sweet, scalloped.
  • It’s been a tradition in our house for over 25 years to watch the Macy’s Parade from start to finish.
  • And then we watch the dog show that comes after. We always root for the pug. We always get disappointed every year.
  • The last time I went Black Friday shopping, Circuit City still existed.
  • I forgot how many children show up during matinee viewings. Which would make sense if one goes to see a Disney animated film.
  • The Kung Fu Panda series is my family’s favorite non Pixar animated series. It may have something to do with the fact we can relate to them.
  • We like to put up our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving while listening to Hanson’s Snowed In Christmas album and eating rice krispy treats.
  • I have an ornament from first grade of a gingerbread man that STILL smells like gingerbread. That’s almost 25 years of STILL having its scent.
  • Home is where your pug is. And when your pug has gone, to help ease the pain you use a paper bag in the corner and just pretend he’s snoozing.
  • When visiting rest areas, if there are two or more rooms, choose the one furthest away. Cleaner and less people.
  • Traveling up on Saturday, while can be less stressful than driving up on Sunday, is still a PITA on I-95 North.
  • Hence why I stopped at Sonic again.

Hope you all had a good holiday weekend. December is basically a wash month. Everyone’s just waiting for Christmas.

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Discovering Classic Who

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It’s the day after Thanksgiving (and I hope you had a good one!) and I’m still recovering from a large and delicious meal with my family. My creative brain cells aren’t really working at full capacity (and neither did I think to write a post in advance). Therefore this isn’t my best work but I still felt like blogging this morning and not going out in the cold to go shopping.

Last week was the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who (as well as the death of JFK and C.S. Lewis). This included many TV and online specials culminating the the 50th anniversary special “The Day of the Doctor”. Now if you don’t really care about Doctor Who, this post means absolutely nothing. BUT if you do care at all, then you probably were watching on 11/23/13 at 2:50pm EST for a global simulcast of AWESOME. I won’t say anything about it yet because there may be some folks who still haven’t seen it yet. But I loved it so much. There was much fangirling going on and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Anyways since watching it, I’ve had a big interest in learning more about the doctors that came before the 2005 reboot or “Classic Who”. This means watching and learning as much as I can about the doctors before Christopher Eccleston took over. I akin it to when I watched all the James Bond movies. It’s a great experience in learning about history, fashion, politics, and visual effects and British culture. In fact that’s what I’m doing right now as I type this up. I’m on an episode with the Third Doctor called “Carnival of Monsters” and though it’s a bit cheesy at times, it’s really quite fun. Plus I am really digging the outfit that the Doctor’s current companion, Jo Grant is wearing. Even though it’s from the 70’s, it’s something that could totally fit in with today’s fashion.

I will tell you that when I get interested in something, I GET INTERESTED in it. Out of all my friends who are into Doctor Who, I think I was the first to watch “The Day of the Doctor” (it helps when your cable subscription somehow includes BBC America) and I think I now know more trivia than they do even though I was the last one to join in on the fun.

So if you ARE a fan of Doctor Who and know something about the older doctors, this video here is an absolute gem. It aired after the 50th, and involves former doctors from the classic era trying to get into the special. It’s hilarious, full of easter eggs and cameos. I have it on repeat because I find so many things to laugh about while watching. Best thing ever. You’re welcome!

For some reason I am having trouble embedding the video in here (which I cannot figure out why) so here’s a direct link (which no one is going to click, so I feel it defeats the whole purpose of this post. Blah.

The Five(ish) Doctors Reboot

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How You Can’t Really Know but You Can Prepare

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I’m banking on the fact that a lot of folks won’t be reading this due to the Thanksgiving holiday. Then again if you’re reading this, you’ve just proved me wrong. I’ll start by wishing to those who are celebrating, Happy Thanksgiving! I’ve had a lot to be thankful for this year and even when time have been rough, I’ve found plenty of things to be grateful for. Like this blog for example.

So last week I got real with y’all and talked about THINGS. And so now it’s basically public knowledge of where I’ve been, where I stand, and where I want to go with things. If folks who know me are still clueless about everything, at this point I’ve done all I can.

The future looks scary because it’s unknown and it’s all new. Wanting to date. That’s weird. I didn’t think I’d be here again. And it’s all changed so much since I was in college doing this. Then again, I was very young and stupid in college so I wouldn’t want to relieve those days again.

If you’ve ever hung out with me in great detail then you know how I like to be prepared (yes, here we go again with my like for spoilers). I just want to make sure I have a good knowledge of what’s coming ahead. That is why I read tourbooks for Disney World every year in hopes that one day I can really go and experience the park. I like to prepare for worst case scenarios. I even went out and got every book from the library on “How to be a bridesmaid” after being asked my best friends to be in their wedding. Yes, I am that type of person.

And while I know fully well that no book or manual or guide or book of magical spells will every fully prepare you for what happens when you date, fall in love, have heart broken, repeat, repeat, repeat, find person who wants to marry you, etc., it still doesn’t hurt to learn and prepare during your time of waiting. The first time I did this, I wasn’t prepared at all, I will admit. Now as I’ve grown up and I’m wiser, I want to be ready. There will of course still be a lot to learn but at least now I have a better idea of what to expect. I also know that there are some people who will say they don’t need any help at all. And that’s fine. I just know that I will take help when I can.

Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily agree with EVERYTHING I’m about to list but there are key points that I do find helpful in these things. I also don’t expect you to agree with everything either.

Books:

The Sacred Search by Gary L. Thomas

Real Men Don’t Text by Ruthie and Michael Dean. On a personal note: reading this book was like reading the last two years of my life 😦

Cupidity: 50 Things People Do for Love and How to Avoid Them by Hayley and Michael DiMarco

The Single Woman: Life, Love and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale

True Love Dates by Debra Fileta

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller

Reclaiming Your Heart by Denise Hildreth Jones

Online sermon series:

If you think church is boring and stale and isn’t relevant, then you should take a listen to these two sermon series. The pastors are really easy to listen to, use humor, but are also very frank with what they have to say. I wish more churches would talk about these subjects as I know there are many singles, dating, and even married couples in the church who can benefit from hearing this.

Andy Stanley – 4 part sermon series “The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating” “Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?”

  • Part One – The Right Person Myth (Don’t Fall for the “right person” Myth”
  • Pat Two – The Gentleman’s Club (Women should be honored, and not treated like a commodity)
  • Part Three – Designer Sex (Sex is so much more than physical)
  • Part Four – If I Were You (Prepare for a Successful Marriage)

Perry Noble – 5 part sermon series “Don’t Get Married Until…”

  • Part One – You Hear From God
  • Part Two – You’re Willing to Be a Man
  • Part Three – You’re Willing to be a Woman
  • Part Four – Q&A with the pastor and his wife
  • Part Five – You Deal with Your Junk

So there you go. These are resources that I found helpful. Maybe there’s someone out there who will as well. I just know that, personally, I want to do as much that I can to make things work whenever it’s time. Even though I can’t control or know how “he” is going to be, at least this time I can’t look back and say I wish I had known all these things before hand. All this is being done with a lot of prayer, a lot of trusting in God, and a lot of faith.

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From your friendly movie rental clerk

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A few weeks ago Blockbuster announced that they were shutting down for good. And thus marks the end of the last big movie rental chain. Now I never had the experience of working for Blockbuster but I did work for several years at Movie Gallery. And it was quite an adventure working there. In memory of Blockbuster, here are some tales of my days as your friendly movie rental clerk.

Highlights:

Free movie rentals – I got to watch all the newest releases before they were released for free and then I could watch all the back listed titles as well. As a movie lover, this was a HUGE bonus and helped to increase my movie knowledge. I discovered lots of little indie gems along the way that I would have never found otherwise. I also got a bunch of a movie posters that still grace my bedroom back in my parents’ house.

Buying discounts – We ran several used DVD sales (buy 2 get 2 free) and since I worked there, I could take advantage of seeing which DVDs had been rented and which copies had never been touched. Therefore I got several brand new DVDs for very discounted prices. And since we got discounts on food/drink, I will admit there was a time when Sprite Remix (remember that!) ran a promotion and the prize was on their bottle cap. So as it’s a clear liquid, I spent an afternoon and looked through the bottom of the bottle to find what the prizes were so I could buy the bottle. And the prize was..free movie rentals at Blockbuster!

I got to meet Marion Jones, the well… disgraced Olympian. She came into the store and set up and account and everything with me.

Giving recommendations – There were times when customers were actually receptive to listening to what I suggested. And it was fun to get to know regulars who trusted my movie advice and trivia.

Being good at this. It was a VERY minimum wage job and I knew I definitely wasn’t going to do it forever but it was helping me through undergrad and I enjoyed it. I got paid to watch movies and for the most part it wasn’t horrible. I was the top seller and I got to be a manager and it was fine for what it was.

Lowlights:

Now there were several differences between Movie Gallery and Blockbuster.  I mean first off, the name. Movie Gallery and Blockbuster are obviously two different names. And yet, we would get people dropping off Blockbuster movies all the time. It’s one thing to stick it in the slot after hours. But to walk INTO the store?

Movie Gallery also had a back room for …well we’ll call them grown up movies to not attract the spam bots. Yep. That was a thing. I did not like going back there to reshelve and I always used hand sanitizer after checking in/out movies. The most awkward moments happened when people would hand me Asian grown up movies to check out. And I’m like, well let’s make this transaction happen very quickly.

Late movies – People will come up with all sorts of excuses as to why they haven’t returned a movie yet. Also awkward was when someone had a grown up movie that was late and the spouse didn’t realize they had checked it out. Just a note: if you’re going to do that, don’t check these out on the family account.

Apparently there are hundreds if not thousands of people who drive around without their license. How do I know this? By the MANY people who tried to open up accounts and when I asked for identification, they didn’t have any picture IDs on them (yet everyone seems to carry around a Social Security card). Yet all those people drove to the store. It was severely tempting to call the cops on them after they left.

Now Movie Gallery didn’t have those programs where you could rent all you want or no late fees. No, we had a stupid discount rental card where for $19 you got $27 worth of rentals. And we had to sell those. I somehow managed to be the top seller but do you know how hard it is to promote something that is essentially not really a good deal? I think I conned a lot of people.

Getting asked out by customers – I got asked out over the phone by a customer and then another left me a note on the car. Neither were ones I would have considered going out with (and not to worry, they were not one of those who checked out the Asian grown up movies) plus the fact that they do it in person was also a strike in their favor. The ones I actually wanted to, never did though.

Trying to explain why widescreen was better than full screen was a failure. This was back when DVDs were still offering both versions and customers would always complain about the black bars. Also trying to recommend a foreign film was like offering poison, no one will take it because they don’t want to “read a movie”.

Getting yelled at by customers. I got yelled at lot because customers had late fees or didn’t return movies on time or because we didn’t have the movie they wanted. My absolute favorite was calling the late list and there was a lady who was insistent that she had returned the movie, started yelling at me, told me I was worthless because I was working in a movie rental store and she was a successful business woman etc. Then lo and behold two hours later, her husband comes into the store with the movie and apologized for her as it had been on his side of the nightstand. That’s right lady, don’t show your face.

Being held up at gunpoint. Yeah you read that right. It was a Friday night (April Fool’s day, no less) and I was shift manager and I was prepping the new releases for the upcoming week, and I clearly remember one of those movies being Sideways. The door rang, I said my spiel of “Hello, welcome to Movie Gallery”, I look up and there’s a gun being pointed at me. I remember time slowing down and everything freezing. My insides immediately stopped working and I went on auto pilot. The guy (turned out to be a teenager) was wearing a hood and covered his face and told me to give him the money in the drawer. I went over the cashier, tried to catch the eye of my coworker and he told me to stop. I took out the money, luckily I had just done a cash drop so there was maybe like $150 in there. I asked him if he wanted the change as well. Then he ran out the store. It wasn’t until about 2 hours later that I started shaking. And that was the last night I worked at Movie Gallery. What a way to go out! For the record, they did catch the guys, they were robbing a bunch of movie stores all over the area.

And that’s just some of my adventures working at the video rental store. It’s sad to think that my kids will never be able to experience that and it will just be a legend when I tell them these stories. RIP movie rental stores.

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The Girl on Fire

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Unless you live under a rock or just frankly don’t care, there’s a movie that comes out today that is insanely popular. The second movie in The Hunger Games series, Catching Fire has arrived. I, personally, will be seeing it very soon. And yes, I HAVE read the books.

I actually didn’t become a fan of the books until after Catching Fire came out. I wasn’t into dystopian stories at the time and I will admit that the book probably flew under my radar because of the cover. Yes, I totally did judge a book by its cover but in my defense, again I wasn’t reading the genre nor does the cover of the book tell you anything about the story. But thanks to book bloggers who had been talking the book up a storm, I finally gave in and loved it. The first person narrative totally had me wrapped in the storyline.

Why do I like these stories so much? Maybe there have been other strong young female heroines before her, but I really loved Katniss. The way Suzanne Collins wrote her made me connect with her right from the start. She’s strong and independent but not so much that she rejects help all together. It was very easy in the beginning to compare these books to the Twilight series, especially with the love triangle thing going. I personally find these books to be so on the complete opposite side of spectrum. Katniss > Bella like whoa. Also after this series came out, there were so many copycats, some good, some bad, but this one is still tops.

Are the books violent? Sure, I guess. *shrugs* I personally don’t find them extremely violent. Same goes with the movies. I don’t know what that says about me. But I don’t find them disturbing. And had I read these when I was a teenager, I doubt I would have been horrified by what I read.

Jennifer Lawrence has done a wonderful job at bringing Katniss to life in the movies. I really love her performance (well I love her in general) and even though she wasn’t originally my first pick, she’s been magnificent. In case anyone is wondering my original choices for the trio was Hailee Steinfeld as Katniss, Hunter Parrish as Peeta and Josh Hutcherson as Gale (is it bad that I had thought he was taller than what he really is?). I can’t say yet if Catching Fire will be as good as the book, but the first movie was one of the more faithful movie adaptations that I’ve seen though I wasn’t a big fan of the changes in the muttation scene. So I’m looking forward to seeing it and the goal is to see it in IMAX because a lot of scenes were shot with IMAX cameras. And we all SHOULD know that seeing a movie shot with IMAX characters in an actual IMAX theater is the best way to see a movie.

And in case you’re wondering about the picture in this post? Yes that’s me cosplaying as Katniss. Last year I went to Dragon Con and I wanted to cosplay. As it was my first con and I didn’t want to go all out, I was having trouble coming up with a character until it was finally suggested that I go as Katniss. And I did. It’s not entirely authentic (there are some excellent and authentic Katniss’s out there) but I felt I did a pretty good job. I ordered a bow (which I later spray painted black to give it a more camouflage feel), arrows, quiver, shooting gloves (which I wore incorrectly in this pic so you can’t see it), and a Mockingjay pin. I bought boots that looked somewhat like Katniss’s, borrowed the jacket from a friend, dressed somewhat similar to the opening woods scene, and then did my hair in a braid as best as I could. Obviously as I am Asian, wore glasses, and had braces at the time, I’m not entirely authentic but you know what? I had a ton of fun. Many people knew who I was, called me Katniss, and wanted to take my picture. And there were a lot of young girls who were big fans of my costume. To this day, I loved that costume and among my friends, I may refer to myself as Katniss in third person (you’re judging, I know it).

Oh and for the record, I don’t actually know how to use the bow and arrows. One day, hopefully. As promised.

If you haven’t already seen it by the time you read this post, to get you in the mood for Catching Fire is a wonderful parody:

May the odds be ever in your favor.

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The Elephant in the Room

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So it is time that we acknowledged it.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, then you know that I’ve talked a lot about being single and how it’s been a struggle trusting God and waiting during this time period. However, if you are someone who used to follow my old blog and/or you know me in real life but we aren’t super close, then you are probably somewhat confused and have been wondering things for a while but was just afraid to ask.

So to answer your unasked question, I am currently single and I didn’t used to be. I got married when I was 24 and got divorced when I was 28. Out of respect for my ex-husband and because the entire world doesn’t need to know, I am not going to state publicly the reason for our divorce. However, if I am asked about it (and I know you somewhat), I don’t mind talking about it.

As a Christian, divorce can be a very touchy subject. Even when I was going through my own process, it was something that I had to pray a lot about and went through counseling before finally making the decision. It was a hard and tough one to make, quite possibly the most difficult decision I ever made. It’s not something you think about doing when you start the relationship (at least I hope the majority of people don’t do it). It’s definitely not something to be taken lightly. When I finally made the decision, I knew that I was going to lose a lot. I lost a lot of friendships.The biggest things were all the hopes and dreams that I had. I also had to rebuild myself up; my self-esteem and confidence from feeling like I wasn’t worthy or good enough.

I believe due to the nature of the reason of the divorce, I haven’t received any outward negative reactions from most people. One thing I was terrified of was being judged, especially by other Christians because of what it says in the Bible about divorce. And I know that there are people out there who do judge me. I will say this: before you judge me (or anyone else basically), unless you have gone through what I’ve gone through you will never know what it was like for me and you cannot tell me what I should have done or what you would have done instead. I made the decisions that was best for me in my situation and I have not regretted my choices and no matter what anyone says to me, I will not feel guilty for what happened. However, if there are people who are judging me horribly, they haven’t let me know right to my face. Instead I have found love, caring, and understanding in the people I have shared this with.

It is a bit weird sometimes to relate with other divorced women in the church. As I was only 28 when it was finalized (and I had been separated much earlier), I’m still quite young compared with most other women. They tended to be in the 40s+ and with children. And their situations are completely different from mine.

There have been though some amazing and things that have come out of all this. First and foremost, my faith in God has skyrocketed. During the worst parts of all this, I felt so alone and abandoned by everyone, including God. I was so angry at him for having all this happen and I blamed him for everything. But looking back, I realize that he never left me. He was protecting me the whole time and keeping me from harm. Even during the absolute worst time, I was in the final weeks of graduate school and I had two huge papers that I needed to write, and I have no idea how I was able to concentrate and get it done and I somehow walked away with a B+ and an A. Since then, I’ve never stopped seeking God and wanting to learn more from him.

I’ve also found that I’ve had to do things to step out of my comfort zone. Because I was finding myself being alone, I knew that I had to reach out other people even though (as I’ve stated) I hate initiating things. My church has an active young adult group and I forced myself to attend so I could find community and not be alone. Even though it was horrible rough and awkward for me at first, I kept going and that has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Through doing that, I’ve found some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life, who continually show me love and have been there every time I needed someone. I found that I didn’t have to go through it alone. I cannot thank them enough for being there during those horrible rough times and I know that God specifically placed them in my life. I have been blessed so much that I feel like I can never repay them and I continue to so thankful for them. In fact, my church in general has been wonderful throughout all this, showing and providing me support when I didn’t think it was possible.

My specific situation has also seen so much good come out of it. I’ve been able to share my story with other people and I’ve seen God specifically work in their lives because of it. It makes me look back and realize that even through a horrible mess God can create something beautiful. One of my very favorite stories ever of God working in my life is me being able to share my story with someone, who at the time I had known for about a week and a half. God kept nudging and telling me to share my story, which I kept resisting because I barely knew the person. Then I literally felt God hit me on the head to speak, and so I  finally shared not knowing why I was doing this (as I hadn’t shared my story with even my closest friends) and just trusted God. Nothing was said that night to explain the reason and I felt rather foolish doing it. But then it was revealed to me a few weeks later exactly why I shared and that spiraled off into so much good, that it can’t be denied how much God was working in our lives. Since then if God tells me to do something, I don’t resist him anymore.

So there have been many things I’ve learned and been blessed from God from this.

I’m not saying I’m in an ideal situation though. Being divorced still has somewhat of a stigma. I can’t hide it and I’m not going to. Sometimes though it almost feels like a label. If the option is there, I have to choose divorced. If someone can’t accept the fact that I’m divorced and that becomes a deal breaker, I have to accept it. We all come with baggage, I just come with some that I can’t hide. There are many people who believe that I should never get married again, and I have committed a horrible sin. As I do want to start dating again now, it can possibly be a very uphill road to climb. There are guys who will only want girls who have never been married and will never look twice at me once I reveal it to them. It’s sometimes hard to not be jealous of my friends who are going through all the events I’d thought I’d be experiencing now. It’s harder to wait and hope that one day it will eventually happen to me.

But it’s going to be ok. I’ve become a much stronger person because of this. If you were to see me four years ago and then see me now, you wouldn’t recognize me. Heck I barely even recognize myself. It seems like a completely different life time ago. I’ve basically become a different, better, and stronger person because of all this. It’s been an adventure and it’s going to continue to be one. I never thought I’d find myself in this place again, I thought I was done with dating and all the emotions that come with it.  It’s not going to be all fun and games as broken hearts, unrequited love, awkward times, all that jazz will and have already happened.

But you know what? I’m excited about it. I feel that I have a different approach and mindset now than I did before, mostly coming from being older and wiser. I have learned a lot from my past and I believe that when it’s time, I’ll enter a new relationship with a better expectations and with a new way of approaching things. God’s put me in this time and place for a reason and I choose to trust him with all this. I’ve gotten a chance to have a reboot in my life, and my goal is to make it worth it. I still believe that God has in his plans for me to get married and eventually have a family. He has continued to place that desire in my heart and so with a lot of prayer I wait for that day, trusting that God will be faithful and fulfill his promise.

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
“What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

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A Thing I Fear the Most

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mc2

I’m about to reveal something that is a deep and dark secret.

I have a fear of Ronald McDonald.

Stop laughing.

I don’t like clowns to begin with. Male clowns are actually the worst.

It began in kindergarten. Mind you, my parents didn’t take my sisters and I out that much when we were very little. I don’t ever remember going to McDonald’s before I turned 5 nor did we watch a lot of TV during that time.  So my interactions with this clown was very limited if any. I remember going to a school assembly and being excited. Then as I’m seated high in the bleachers with my classmates, this man comes out dressed in a yellow suit, white makeup, and red hair, and I remembered suddenly being terrified.

I don’t know why but I just remember a sense of fear gripping me and I was glad that was I high up and away from him. To a five year old, the image of a man who covered his face with makeup and that garrish red wig was enough to provoke nightmares. And they did.

I remember this nightmare as clear as when it happened 25 years ago. My younger sister and I were running together in a world where everyone was turning into Ronald McDonald’s. It was a very bleak world as we ran and hid from clowns left and right. We got behind a car and stopped for a minute to catch our breaths. I turned to her to make sure that she was ok, and then saw that her hair had turned red. I woke up screaming.

To this day, I will not approach anyone dressed up as Ronald McDonald. Those statues of him on the benches in front of the restaurants? I avoid them. Like I said, I don’t like clowns in general. If you are a horrible person and want to make an enemy of me for life, all you have to do is dress up like one and you will ensure that 1) you will never be friends with me ever again and 2) you will inflict deep trauma on my life. Maybe for this reason, I rarely visit the inside of an actual McDonald’s in the fear of him randomly hanging out. For the record, I never wanted to visit McDonaldland. Grimace, Hamburglar, Birdie, and the gang can all hang out without me.

Here is the first commercial starring him. Tell me this is not terrifying.

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What Deborah Likes to Read

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I read a lot. Like an insane amount a lot. And I’m not bragging or being presumptuous when I say that I have read more books this year alone than most of you have in your life by choice. (Unless of course you are a book blogger, then you can understand)

On a normal given day, if you ask me what I’m reading, there is a good probability that I will respond with the title of a young adult fiction book.  I get asked this a lot: “You’re 30, why are you reading teen books? Aren’t you too old for them?” I find that the majority of people who ask me this don’t really read that much to begin with or they haven’t actually read much YA fiction. This seems to be a common theme when you don’t really understand why someone does it but you still feel the need to question and judge.  

So what’s the simple answer to those questions? Because I enjoy them.

Long answer:  Like any subject or genre of anything, you have your good and bad, you have your preferences.  As I said, I like reading a lot. And while I read a large amount of books, I’m rather picky about what I read. There are many duds out there. And there have been books where I feel that money is more of a factor than a quality story.  But there have also been some fantastic books out there.

There are many definitions of what young adult fiction is. My personal definition is a story where the characters are 12-18 and is primarily marketed for that age group. Yep that’s it. Doesn’t mean that the story is juvenile or any less quality because of the age range. I think sometimes that some adults either have forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager or they are really out of touch with what teens go through these days. Anyone can enjoy it regardless of the age of the reader.  I started reading YA fiction when I was in elementary school and as long as there are good stories, I’ll be reading it until I die.

I lean more towards stories that are contemporary, historical, mystery, and dystopian. I’m not really into paranormal or fantasy, that the market is heavily skewed towards. To me the mark of a good book is when after the first few pages, I am already lost in the story.  I know almost immediately whether or not this is going to be a book that I will put down or not. I’ve read a lot of fluff books and a lot of books where I am trudging through them to just get to the end of the story. I feel this way sometimes with a lot of trilogies that have been popping up lately. The first two books are SO good. And then the third one feels like the author got rushed or just stopped caring.

That being said, there is some nostalgia I feel while reading these stories. I remember what it was like to be a teenage girl and sometimes it’s fun to relive those moments, and sometimes it’s painful. I’m glad I don’t have to actually relieve those moments but seeing how characters get in and out of their situations makes me realize how much I’ve learned throughout the years. I also wish that I could be some of these characters. I wish I could be like Katniss and Tris and take care of myself and be strong in those types of situations. I have really appreciated how in the past few years, there have been several strong female lead characters in these books.

I have no problems reading what I like to read.  If I ever decided to go back and get a second master’s degree, it would be to get a library science degree so I could become a young adult librarian. Until then, I’ll just continue to enjoy immersing myself into stories.

Recommendations:

Dystopian  – Across the Universe series by Beth Revis

Contemporary – anything by Elizabeth Eulberg, Janet Gurtler, Jen Calonita, Beth Kephart

Historical – Between Shades of Gray by Ruta Sepetys

Mystery- The Mary Quinn Mystery series by Y.S. Lee