Tag Archives: Growing up

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Dear Diary…

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IMG_20130928_114738So it should come to no surprise that I am a journaler.  I know…a blogger who also journals? Shocking.

I used to keep an online journal back in the day.  Remember Livejournal? Well I had that, its emo little sister Deadjournal, and also an Upsaid account, though that website no longer exists. Those entries were so drama filled, full of angst, and emotion.  I mean, what do you expect from a 18-20 year old college student who gets her heart broken repeatedly? I shudder when I go back and read those entries because 1) I had made them public and put the link on my AIM profile so that EVERYONE could see them and 2) SO MUCH $#*#@$!!! DRAMA ABOUT BOYS.  I pity the guys who I was involved with during those years because everything’s all right there in the open for everyone to see.  It is so embarrassing reading those things. Seriously I want to slap my 18-20 year old self repeatedly, what on earth was I thinking?! How on earth did I possibly think doing that would be a good idea? Don’t worry, I am not like that anymore.  If anything, it won’t be so obvious when I’m talking about you….(jk)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been learning (and sometimes the hard way) to NOT put my emotions out in public on social media. Usually one does it to try to attract the attention of certain parties in a passive aggressive matter.  So to stop myself from doing this, I started to write in actual physical journals.  I started off at first because I realized that my friends (who are awesome) didn’t want to be burdened all the time with my problems.

Journaling has been very therapeutic for me.  I write A LOT.  I bring my journal with me everywhere in case the mood strikes or if I’m bored. I’ve been getting the spiral bound bargain journals from Barnes and Nobles. For less than $5, I get about 200 pages of blank canvas. I’m currently on my 7th journal of 2013. Yes, I know that’s a LOT of writing. And before you ask, I like to fill up almost every page front to back, top to bottom in the books.  I’ve found that by channeling the first wave of emotions through writing it down in the journal helps out a lot.  By the time I actually talk to my friends about things that are still bothering me, I’ve already filtered out all the immediate knee jerk emotions and by then I have been able to process and think clearly.

I’ve gone back and read the journals I’ve kept for the past 2 years.  And I’ll say it’s been a very interesting journey reading them.  I kind of feel like River Song and her journal. Lots of spoilers! It’s quite amazing how many things I’ve predicted came true. But in honesty, it feels like when I wrote entries months ago, it’s almost like I knew I would need to be reminding in the future of things when I reread it.  I’ve even included notes for my future self, if I reread these journals five, 10, even 50 years from now. It’s almost like reading a story as it’s being written and wondering how everything is going to turn out.

I would hope that no one ever sees what I write though.  It’s like Tom Riddle’s diary. I’ve included part of my soul in these journals, they carry a part of me. And if someone were to read them without my consent, they would be discovering a part of me that I tend to keep hidden. It’s me being raw, vulnerable, and sometimes weak. It always annoys me in movies, TV shows, and books when someone snoops and reads a diary that doesn’t belong to them, and they get mad at what they read.  It usually never dawns on them that they are in the wrong in the first place for reading what doesn’t belong to them. That being said, there  have been times when I do share what I’ve written in my journal. You have to be the right person, in the right time, and the right place for that to happen.

Do you journal? How long have you been journaling? Do you have a physical journal or do you keep it electronic?

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Legen….wait for it…….

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I’ve mentioned that I’ve been binge watching shows lately in hopes to catch up with current episodes on air now.  The first show that I ever did this to was How I Met Your Mother.  I have several friends who are heavily into the show and they kept telling me I needed to watch it.  “It’s exactly what we as late 20-somethings are going through!” is what they kept telling me.  I had been hesitant because the ads for the show never really got to me and plus I wasn’t really a big comedy watcher.

Then last fall, I was going through a rough time emotionally and I wanted to distract myself from all that emotional angst and I gave in and started watching. HOLY FUDGE. I loved the show.  I loved the show so much (and apparently I needed a LOT of distracting) that I watched all six seasons that were available on Netflix in a month.  And then through a lot of pleading, begging, and bartering with friends, I was finally able to catch up on season 7 and 8 through their downloads in time to watch this season live with the rest of the world.

Warning: I am going to bank on the fact that you have already seen this show.  Therefore there will be a lot of spoilers. You’ve been warned.

I could SO relate to the show. I feel like I have friends who are just like Marshall and Lily (even down to having a baby and the guy being super tall! If you know who are you are….).  A lot of the things the group goes through (new jobs! finishing grad school! losing job! dating! breaking up! turning 30! getting engaged! people having babies!) is exactly what my friends and I are going through right now.

The girls, I can give or take on the show.  I do love the boots that they wear and I LOVE Lily’s hair in season 2.  But they drive me insane sometimes. I want to throttle Robin. I hope I don’t act like that in real life.  But I really enjoy how the show has portrayed the men.  I adore Marshall. Seriously, he is a favorite.  THAT is the type of guy I want.  Also it’s really interesting for me to see Jason Segel in this light, because I had only previously seen him in all those R-rated comedy films.  Had no idea he was such a sweetheart.  And Barney.  Oh Barney.  You are hilarious and bring the best comic relief to the show but stay away from me in real life.

And Teddy Boy.  Yes he has his moments (really, those red boots are super ugly) and there are times when I want to strangle him. He’s definitely not the perfect guy and it takes him a few seasons to realize that he wants to make his intentions serious. But you know what?  In a world where so many 20-something year old guys DON’T want to even pursue a girl let alone settle down, I want a Ted.  (Actually I would rather have a Rory, but that’s another show)  I would love to meet a guy who is attractive as Ted, has a steady job, and knows he wants to find a woman to be serious about with the intention to at least consider settling down and getting married.

I just wish he could get over Robin.  And I know that it’s going to happen.  It’s just…he’s in a bad situation where he’s not going to get over her very easily, as we’ve seen over the past 8 seasons.  You can’t fall in love with your best friend, break up, stay friends, try to keep those feelings reigned in only to have them date/marry your other best friend, and not be emotionally affected unless you are a Dalek. Ted compared every girl he dated to Robin and therefore was unable to move on.  It also didn’t help that she was RIGHT THERE all the time.  Actually this kind of frustrated me.  Why did Robin choose Barney over Ted?  Ted LOVES her and from their interactions they would make a great couple.  Barney loves her too, but I feel like Barney loves Robin best when she acts like a bro.  When she acts like a girl, he’s not there.  Unfortunately Ted is.  And yet Robin doesn’t see this.   And so Ted is stuck.  Because her friends are his friends.  And he can’t really escape it if he stays.  And so he has to face his hurt every time they all hang out, which seems to be all the time. And so even though I feel it’s been dragged out for a loooooong time and I throw my head in my hands every time it happens, I think it’s actually quite realistic to see Ted’s struggle with this. Because it does take a long time for the feelings to go away and it’s hard and it sucks. The joy and pain of falling in love with someone you are very close to and then realizing they don’t feel the same way. I get you, Ted. (But that’s another post for another day).

There are way too many funny instances in the show for me to highlight any (though I do love when Future Ted, played by Bob Saget, says that he was a fan of Dave Coulier). So as we are into the final season of the show, I’m looking forward to seeing how everything turns out. I’m hoping for a good send off and that they properly end all story lines (more slaps! and I just saw Bryan Cranston is coming back for an episode!). I think I tuned into the show at just the right time in my life.  Any earlier or later, and it wouldn’t have the same impact that it does now on me. It would be totally awesome if one day I can tell a similar story to my kids on how I met their father (granted, it won’t be this long and I wouldn’t tell them as much as Ted has).

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Closing a 21 year chapter in my life

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When I was in fourth grade, I was loaned a book from a friend.  This was nothing new. As a voracious reader, I borrowed books from my friends all the time.  The book given to me was a new author and it was the third book in the series.  Even back then I was a big stickler of reading things in order but as I had no access to the other books at the time, I gave in.  That book was Reluctantly Alice by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor and it introduced me to the world of Alice McKinley which I never left after that. Twenty one years later, I find myself three weeks away awaiting the publication of the last book in the series, Now I’ll Tell You Everything.

This is the longest series I have ever read in my life. The series actually started with the first book, The Agony of Alice, in 1985. I joined the fan club in 1992.  For the past 21 years, I have eagerly awaited the release of an Alice book.  I have literally grown up with her.  As Alice has grown from a 3rd grade to her senior year of high school, I’ve followed her every step of the way.  One time because I couldn’t afford to buy the book and the library didn’t own it, I would spent a month going into the bookstore every week to read a few chapters of Patiently Alice.  I’ve reread the series several times over the course of those 21 years but just this year, with the release of the last book, I decided one more time to reread the entire series.  That meant reading 27 books, which I did from the end of June until just this past week.  So many memories came rushing back as I read all the books.  Literally my life from age 9 to age 30 came back as I read.  A list of all the books can be found here.

Even though I grew older than Alice, I still felt like I could relate to her. I still remember all those awkward moments of growing up, going through puberty, reliving high school, and of course relationships with guys.  Even with this last reread of the entire series,  there were times when I would put the book down because I couldn’t believe that a 16-year-old girl was experiencing the same things as a 30-year-old.  To this day, when Alice experiences heartbreak, it still makes me simultaneously ache as well. One thing I love is that the books are set in Montgomery County, Maryland which is right near me! Growing up as I didn’t live in the area, most of the places meant nothing to me.  But now as an adult, as I live close by, it was awesome to recognize street names, buildings, and other locations.  I did get really excited when Alice was considering going to my alma mater, George Mason University, but alas it was not meant to be.

I feel a bit baffled though, that even though this series is very popular (I mean if it’s still going strong after 28 years, someone must be buying them right?), I actually haven’t found that many other fans of the books in real life or while I was book blogging. So therefore these books have been my secret for the past 21 years.  I haven’t really been able to share my love of them or basically be able to geek out with anyone about them.  Interestingly though, these books are always on the Banned/Challenged books list from school libraries because of their talk about sex.  Honestly, what’s in these books is what kids/teens talk about in schools, so it’s not like it’s creating new ideas for them and it’s actually quite tame compared to what actually goes on in real life.

Yes I’m sad to see the series end.  I feel like a chapter in my life is now finally closed and I have nothing to look forward to regarding these books anymore.  I do hope though that one day, I’ll have a daughter that I can introduce these books to.  And it’ll be fun to be able to reread and reminisce with her.  I’m so grateful to the author for creating this wonderful series and allowing me to be able to spend my childhood, adolescence and young adult years with a character and her world that I dearly love.  Alice McKinley will always be a part of me.

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The Day I Discovered I Wasn’t an Introvert

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For years, I thought I was an introvert.  I hate being in crowds because I’m not good at initiating conversation.  I wait for people to do it first and if they don’t, well, then I’m just the person standing in the corner looking awkward and waiting for everything to be over.  I thought I’d be happy in my career doing a job where I am hiding away in the stacks, working on researching on my own, and not having to worry about human interaction.  I thought it was going to be bliss, never having to deal with people, and not worrying about having to make up small talk.

And then it happened.  I finally got a job where I was completely alone for 5 months with no human contact all day.  I only saw my supervisor when he needed me which was once every three weeks and I also had no internet.  If I didn’t go out for lunch, I would not see a single human being all day.  Then at nights, I’d crave human interaction but most of my friends, having been around people all day, wanted to enjoy their quiet time and decompress.  So I’d go for 5 days and nights without seeing a single human and barely have any connection all day.

I started to go crazy and feeling depressed.  The loneliness began to feel like I was trapped in a box.  It felt like every time I wanted to hang out with someone, no one wanted to.  Even worse because many of my friends are married or dating and therefore it felt like they already have built in companions all the time, meanwhile  I’m sitting here all alone, feeling frustrated, and having a pity party.  It was like hitting a road block.

Then I realized I’m not actually an introvert.  I’m an extrovert.  I recharge and gain energy by being around other people.  However, I’m a shy extrovert.  I’m not good at initiating and I don’t need to be the center of attention at all.  But that’s how I recharge.  Just being around other people, even if all we do is just sit around and watch TV and not even talk, that gives me so much energy.  It’s also makes sense seeing as my main love language is quality time.  Basically this is mostly me.

Anyways, once I discovered this, it changed my outlook on a lot of things.  If I want to feel better, I have to go out and initiate instead of waiting for people to come around.  There are times when I do need to be by myself and that’s perfectly fine when I have alone down time.  Though I will admit there are times when I can’t get a hold of any of my friends and I’m forced to stay at home by myself.  And those nights are torture, usually ending with me falling to sleep really early so I can just get the night over with.

But at the same time, I’m learning it’s perfectly fine for me to go ahead and ask people first.  Just because I have to initiate doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because no one wants to be around me.  Believe me, when I say this is a hard thing for me to do. To go out of my comfort zone and not wait around for others.  It’s a learning process.  And it’s a new thing about myself that I’m trying to process and adapt to.  Small steps.  Small steps.

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Struggling Alone? You Shouldn’t

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I don’t know about you but it’s hard sometimes for me to go to people when I’m struggling with something.  I have the problem of belittling my own problems and comparing them to other people’s problems.  Long term illness, deaths, money issues, stress at work, and the like always feel like they trump over emotional issues of the heart.  I still find it difficult sometimes to be open with even my closest friends with what I’m feeling because I don’t want to bother them with what I’m going through.  They have problems of their own so why should I add more to their pile with my own issues?  Even when someone gives me an open ended invitation to always come to them when I’m going through my struggles, I tend not to because I’m afraid of being dismissed. “You think you’re going through something rough? You don’t know what rough is.”

That shouldn’t be the case at all. People shouldn’t have to go through life struggles on their own.  True, recovering from a broken heart may seem petty compared to a friend who is going through cancer, but life is not an ongoing game of comparing. I really like this blog post because it put things into perspective for me: “Why Comparing Our Struggles is a Losing Game“.

A close friend passed along this advice to remember whenever I feel like I shouldn’t share what I was going through:

“What you are going through is hard for YOU and God has you in a hard place right now, and yes I’m going through hard stuff and it’s hard for ME, and just cause my hardship might seem more serious does not mean you need to minimize the struggle that you are currently going through now…. It’s okay that what you are going through is hard for you…”

There, of course, may be some people who you can’t share things with.  They may be in a different stage of life, a different season, or have the wrong timing where they cannot relate and may not be the best person to share things with.  And that’s ok. It’s about finding balance.  That being said, if someone who you are close friends with comes to you with a struggle of their own, even if you are going through worse, listen to them. They’ve come to you for a reason. Take the time and spend with them. While you don’t want to encourage them to stay in the struggle forever, but just being there for them will do wonders. When they come to you, because sometimes it’s going to be hard to finally do that, even if all you do is just sit and listen will mean all the world to them.

To know you’re not alone and you don’t have to go through it alone is such a wonderful feeling.  Knowing that you have friends who will be with you while you are hurting, who are willing to hold you while you are crying and even encourage you to do so, who will call you out when you’re acting like everything’s ok (but really it isn’t), who will pray for you through the struggles even when you don’t ask them to, who let you experience the process of loss and ache by just being there with you and not think you are stupid for feeling this way…..these are just some of the things you experience when you finally realize you can’t handle it alone and you let someone you trust know your pain. Don’t go through things alone if you don’t have to.

Do you find it easy to talk to others when you are struggling? Do you try to do it alone?  What holds you back from going to someone with your struggles?