Tag Archives: Growing up

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(561) Days of [Insert Failed Relationship of Choice Here]

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“Some people are meant to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together.”

Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl tells boy she doesn’t want a relationship. Boy says it’s ok, he can handle it. Boy and girl become this weird kinda sorta no one is not sure what to make of it relationship that’s not an official relationship.  Boy falls in love with girl. Girl decides she wants to back away because to her it was never a relationship, needs space, and disappears. Boy gets confused. Boy seeks advice. Time passes. Boy meets up with girl again. Boy thinks he has a chance. Boy finds out girl is engaged. Boy goes into depression. Time passes. Boy refinds his passion and himself. Boy starts to move on in his life. Boy sees girl one last time. Girl tells boy she found love, just not with him. Boy hurts one last time. Boy realizes she’s right and he will be ok. Boy leaves older, wiser, and smarter about relationships. Boy then meets new girl…

No I did not just tell you about myself and genderswapped all the characters. (Though it’s a familiar story…) What you just read is a very simplistic plot of one of my favorite movies (500) Days of Summer. (Props again to @theharmonyguy for making me watch this.) Why is it one of my favorites? Because as I just said, it’s horribly relatable.  Almost everyone can usually identify with the two main characters, Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Summer (Zooey Deschenel).

The movie is told in a nonlinear format, which initially can be confusing and if you are the type of person who needs to have their story told in order, well you’re not going to like it. I personally really like it here because it gives the viewer a chance to view the rise and fall of a relationship perhaps in the way you wish you could have viewed yours.

“Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you’ve had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?”

When I first saw the movie, I was wearing my JGL glasses and was like poor Tom! Summer is a horrible person! Who wouldn’t want him? Then after multiple rewatchings, I soon realized that while I am still a Tom, he’s not perfect and he has MANY flaws. I think the problem stems because he is played by JGL who is insanely likeable is so many ways that I will not go into right now. And I think the audience is focused more on that vs the character itself.

These are my thoughts. Tom is a romantic who is so intent on finding the myth of “the one”. Why shouldn’t he be, when in all aspects of our society and culture we’ve made finding our soul mate the holy grail of everything? When he finds Summer, he falls head over heels in love with her, and just disregards everything else, including the fact that she says that she does not want to be in a relationship now. I kinda now feel like he set himself up for it. He probably should have asked himself “Am I in love with this person or am I in love with the idea of this person?”

It probably didn’t help that they ended up sleeping together which most likely made Tom feel even more connected with Summer. This is why it’s good to learn to be intentional up front and realize that if the person doesn’t want what you want, it probably won’t work. At the same time, sometimes you can’t help who you have feelings for no matter how much you guard your heart. And sometimes you really care about someone and when you realize that the other person doesn’t want you, it is painful. The reality vs expectations montage is exactly what I think everyone goes through.

The funny thing is I’ve had discussions with friends over who’s at fault for what happened in the movie. Like I said, it mostly comes from people relating to either character. The Toms will say Summer because she kept leading him on, mainly due to the scene at the wedding when she doesn’t tell Tom she’s engaged. The Summers say it’s Tom because he knew what he was getting into after she told him. Personally I do think both are at fault. Summer could have been more insistent from the beginning and I know she tried to make it work with Tom and she couldn’t. There’s no really right or wrong answer. Because this happens so many time in real life, it’s a painful way to visually see how a relationship doesn’t go the way it was hopefully supposed to.

There are so many freaking wonderful quotes in the movie (as I have sprinkled throughout this post) that make me feel that the script just needs to “STOP. JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT ME.”

“A girl and a guy can be friends, but maybe at one point or another they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.”

“Just because she likes the same bizarre crap you do doesn’t mean she’s your soul mate.”

“Look, I know you think she was the one but I didn’t. Now I think you just remember the good stuff. Next time you look back, I really think you should look again.”

The final scene with Tom and Summer on the bench kinda kills me a little every time I watch it. When Summer tells him that she could have never really loved him and he looks away and you see the pain in his face, it’s like a stab to my heart every time. The whole bench scene can be uncomfortable to watch if you’ve been there (“You don’t want to be named as someone’s girlfriend but now you’re someone’s wife?”) but at the same time, it’s rather reassuring to know that you are NOT the only one that’s been in that situation. (Quality is kinda bad on the video below)

“I just…I just woke up one day and I knew.

Knew what?

“….What I was never sure of with you.”

Let’s put it this way. This is not a movie with a happy ending for this couple. They didn’t end up together the way they thought they were going to. There is a solid chance that Tom didn’t learn a lesson at all and will go about with the new girl in the same way that he and Summer acted. And I’m also hoping that the movie makers aren’t saying that Tom can’t be fully happy unless he has someone else in his life. But at the same time, this movie is a really good example of how you can get really swept up in a relationship, put your heart and soul into something that you really want, only to fall down HARD when it doesn’t turn out the way you want.

This can be one of the most uncomfortable movies to watch and at the same time, it’s therapeutic as well. You realize that the hurt will go away, you will have learned lessons from that relationship, and you can have the beauty of hope in a new one. All part of growing up and living life.

I think it would be interesting to watch this movie from the Summer perspective but it’s not worth having to go through the personal experience for it. I also wonder how it would be if the roles were reversed and Tom’s character was a girl and Summer’s the guy. Would the audience still relate to the “Tom character” as well? Or would they think because it was a female, she was just too emotional and all that? And if the male “Summer character” is more of a jerk for stringing “Tom along? Interesting points to ponder.

The other thing I love about this movie is the so excellent soundtrack. I borrow this CD from the library all the time (yes I know I could just buy or rip the songs but I don’t) and it’s constantly playing in the car because of how good it is. While every song is good, the two that stand out the most for me are “There is a Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths and “She’s Got You High” by Mumm-ra. Just go listen to it. I can’t fully describe the awesomeness of those songs

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Sigh. Yep.

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With a little (or a lot) of help from my friends

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“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”  – C.S. Lewis

Last week I wrote about what it’s like losing an extremely close friend in your life by their choice and not yours. I was told by several people that I sounded really sad and they wanted to see if I was ok. In all honesty, I am. That post had been written for a while and I had gotten out most of the emotion while writing it and had reached a place where I was at peace to post it. It also got me thinking though even if one person chose not to have me in their life there are still many people who still would welcome me with open arms. That one loss won’t define who I am.

On Sunday, the message at my church was extremely timely as my pastor talked how a passage in Philippians 2 show how  “good relationships are built on who you are, not what you can do. Integrity is the glue that holds relationships together.”

He talked about how you need to have several good strong relationships in your life, friends that want you to suceed and will sacrifice things in their own life to help you succeed. This got me thinking that even when I feel that I’ve lost a friendship, I still have other friends who DO care about me and fulfill all those above requirements.

I’ve said before I didn’t have very many close friends growing up when I was in school. Even the ones that I did have, we don’t talk anymore. I don’t know if it’s me or them, but it felt like after we graduated from high school everyone went their separate path, got back together with each other, and I got somehow left behind. I actually have never been invited to a single one of my high school friend’s weddings. Or college for that matter.

Don’t start pity partying me. In the past few years, I have been blessed with some amazing friendships. I am glad that I have found them now in this stage of life because the person I used to be would not have been mature enough to be friends with these people. These folks have stuck by me through thick and thin. They’ve gotten phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, Gchats…heck I think even written notes from me when I needed their friendship. And in turn, I feel like I’ve been there for them as well.

Our pastor categorized these friendships as Level 5 ones. I would hope that they think of me in that same light. These are the people you trust most. The one you can go to with your joys and struggles and know that they will both rejoice and mourn with you. They are the people who will desire your success about their own and in turn you will feel the same way about them. I sometimes joke (though being partially serious) that if I were to die or something horrible had happened to me, these friends would know in less than a day. Which is very comforting to think about. Especially when right now I’m single.

I need those good strong relationships in my life right now. And I feel that God has put these people in my life for a reason. He’ll take away people who I don’t need in my life right now for a reason as well. You always want those friendships you see on TV or movies where you have the big group of friends who stick together throughout the years  Well right now (and I hope this doesn’t change but if it does, so be it) I feel like I have even better friends than that.

This is a rather sappy post. FEEL THE LOVE.

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Mulan is my favorite Disney princess…

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This weekend I got to hang out with one of my sisters and two of my cousins from my dad’s side that I haven’t seen in several years. My parents also arrived back home after an extended visit to Malaysia to attend the wedding of another of my cousins on my mom’s side. All this extra family stuff got me thinking about how I sometimes forget I’m actually Asian.

I know that sounds weird to probably most people. You usually don’t forget your ethnicity. And it’s not that I’m ashamed or not proud to be Asian. It’s just my entire life, I have hung out with my friends who tend to not normally be Asian American so I don’t see myself really in that way. Growing up, I stood out a lot physically because there weren’t a lot of Asians in my high school. I got teased a lot for it. Luckily it didn’t scar me horribly but let’s just say kids can be very mean College was very different in that sense as I was surrounded by lots of other Asian Americans and Asians and I no longer felt like a minority. Nowadays, I joke about being the token Asian all the time with my friends, in a good way. It’s funny how back in school, I never could have done that. And now, while I don’t make racist jokes, I’m often the first one to bring it up so everyone feels comfortable.

And no, I don’t know how to speak any other language besides English. And no, I still don’t know how to really use chopsticks. And no, I’m not a doctor or an engineer and I didn’t go to Harvard or Yale. And no, I don’t know how to play the piano or the violin. To dissuade you from all those Asian stereotypes.

In case you’re wondering (and because I get this question a lot), the type of Asian I am is Burmese-Chinese. My dad is from Burma and my mom is from Malaysia but is ethnically Chinese. Although technically my dad isn’t actually Burmese. We’re really ethnically Chin so I’m really CHIN-ese (heh) but just like no one knows where Portsmouth is and I just tell people I’m from Virginia Beach, it’s easier to say Burmese. Oh and I’m 100% American born and raised. And I’m from the south, y’all.

Being Asian American has both its ups and downs. It can be a challenge sometimes and I will always physically stand out unless I decide to live in an Asian community. But you know, it’s also cool to be different. And if folks can’t accept that different, it’s their choice and not my fault. Now excuse me while I go eat some rice.

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In Time….This is The End

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Oh brother I can’t, I can’t get through
I’ve been trying hard to reach you, cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother I can’t believe it’s true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

– “Talk” by Coldplay

As I’ve grown older, my relationships with my friends have become one of the most important thing in my life. I didn’t have very many close friends growing up. I had a few but they didn’t last long or I was in part of a bigger group but never had a best friend like others did. Now as I’ve reached 30, I’ve found that I’d rather have a smaller group of very close friends that I can grow with in life as we all share experiences together. And one of the hardest thing about this is when one of those friends decides that they want the friendship to be over, and you aren’t ready for it.

It’s extremely tough and painful to accept the fact of when a friendship is over. It can be akin to a breakup but I think that losing a friendship is even worse. Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, heck husbands and wives sometimes even. But losing a good and very close friend is harder because when you’ve built up that relationship, they can be very difficult to replace. And you may not even want to replace them…we’re not back in middle school anymore trading friends in cliques.

The worst feeling I think is that it can feel like all the years of your friendship now feel like a waste. Sure, you have good memories. Yes there were happy times. But when the friendship just dies, it feels like all the time, energy, effort…everything you put into the relationship feels like it was a waste. Especially when you can’t figure out what you did wrong.  If you had closure then you could put it behind you and walk away. But when you don’t know, it hurts. Instead of answers, you’re just left with silence. And sometimes you didn’t do anything wrong at all.There are some people who just aren’t good with closing things out. They don’t want to deal with messy so they just disappear and hope that you will eventually get the hint. It sucks like hell when that happens in a breakup, but when it happens in a friendship, it can be even worse. When your repeated attempts to figure out what happened don’t get reciprocated, you’re left with the feeling that the other person didn’t care as much as you did.

Sometimes you won’t ever get that closure. And you have to deal with it and move on. For me, lots of prayer has been and will continue to take place. I feel like there’s an empty spot in my life/heart right now. Not to sound all “Christian-y” but I know that God will fill it back soon. Whether that’s with other things, other people, or even God himself, I know that the gap in my heart won’t stay open and vulnerable forever. I wonder sometimes why God brings people into our lives only to take them away because it seems like it was a waste of time on everyone’s part. But ultimately God has his reasons and even though I don’t know why all this happened this way, someday I know I will understand.

I love how God directs me to what he wants me to know are his words that I need to read. I found this passage in Psalms one day during a particularly rough day. I have probably read it many times before and just glanced over it. But on that day, God knew that I needed to read it and all of a sudden it described exactly how I felt. I cannot tell you how perfectly this passage fit me at the time. I remember crying when I read it because it was as if David had written the passage about me. However, it was also comforting in the fact that I knew God had led me to read this. And then it gave me hope as well as to what to place my faith and trust in.

Psalm 55: 1-2, 4-8, 12-17, 20-22; 23b

Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me
and I am distraught

My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen on me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm.”

If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.

As for me, I call to God,
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.

My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
His talk is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let
the righteous be shaken.

But as for me, I trust in you.

Truth be told, I don’t know what will happen next. Perhaps God has closed the door on this friendship for good. Or maybe it’s just for a season now where we’re not going to be friends. I don’t know. There’s a lot of letting go, waiting, and trusting in God that’s going to have to be done here. Sound familiar? I think that’s been the main theme of this blog…and my rebooted life.

Slightly topical, here’s another excellent article from Relevant, this time about when a friendship is draining and what are signs that you should be looking for to see if you need to end it.

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From your friendly movie rental clerk

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A few weeks ago Blockbuster announced that they were shutting down for good. And thus marks the end of the last big movie rental chain. Now I never had the experience of working for Blockbuster but I did work for several years at Movie Gallery. And it was quite an adventure working there. In memory of Blockbuster, here are some tales of my days as your friendly movie rental clerk.

Highlights:

Free movie rentals – I got to watch all the newest releases before they were released for free and then I could watch all the back listed titles as well. As a movie lover, this was a HUGE bonus and helped to increase my movie knowledge. I discovered lots of little indie gems along the way that I would have never found otherwise. I also got a bunch of a movie posters that still grace my bedroom back in my parents’ house.

Buying discounts – We ran several used DVD sales (buy 2 get 2 free) and since I worked there, I could take advantage of seeing which DVDs had been rented and which copies had never been touched. Therefore I got several brand new DVDs for very discounted prices. And since we got discounts on food/drink, I will admit there was a time when Sprite Remix (remember that!) ran a promotion and the prize was on their bottle cap. So as it’s a clear liquid, I spent an afternoon and looked through the bottom of the bottle to find what the prizes were so I could buy the bottle. And the prize was..free movie rentals at Blockbuster!

I got to meet Marion Jones, the well… disgraced Olympian. She came into the store and set up and account and everything with me.

Giving recommendations – There were times when customers were actually receptive to listening to what I suggested. And it was fun to get to know regulars who trusted my movie advice and trivia.

Being good at this. It was a VERY minimum wage job and I knew I definitely wasn’t going to do it forever but it was helping me through undergrad and I enjoyed it. I got paid to watch movies and for the most part it wasn’t horrible. I was the top seller and I got to be a manager and it was fine for what it was.

Lowlights:

Now there were several differences between Movie Gallery and Blockbuster.  I mean first off, the name. Movie Gallery and Blockbuster are obviously two different names. And yet, we would get people dropping off Blockbuster movies all the time. It’s one thing to stick it in the slot after hours. But to walk INTO the store?

Movie Gallery also had a back room for …well we’ll call them grown up movies to not attract the spam bots. Yep. That was a thing. I did not like going back there to reshelve and I always used hand sanitizer after checking in/out movies. The most awkward moments happened when people would hand me Asian grown up movies to check out. And I’m like, well let’s make this transaction happen very quickly.

Late movies – People will come up with all sorts of excuses as to why they haven’t returned a movie yet. Also awkward was when someone had a grown up movie that was late and the spouse didn’t realize they had checked it out. Just a note: if you’re going to do that, don’t check these out on the family account.

Apparently there are hundreds if not thousands of people who drive around without their license. How do I know this? By the MANY people who tried to open up accounts and when I asked for identification, they didn’t have any picture IDs on them (yet everyone seems to carry around a Social Security card). Yet all those people drove to the store. It was severely tempting to call the cops on them after they left.

Now Movie Gallery didn’t have those programs where you could rent all you want or no late fees. No, we had a stupid discount rental card where for $19 you got $27 worth of rentals. And we had to sell those. I somehow managed to be the top seller but do you know how hard it is to promote something that is essentially not really a good deal? I think I conned a lot of people.

Getting asked out by customers – I got asked out over the phone by a customer and then another left me a note on the car. Neither were ones I would have considered going out with (and not to worry, they were not one of those who checked out the Asian grown up movies) plus the fact that they do it in person was also a strike in their favor. The ones I actually wanted to, never did though.

Trying to explain why widescreen was better than full screen was a failure. This was back when DVDs were still offering both versions and customers would always complain about the black bars. Also trying to recommend a foreign film was like offering poison, no one will take it because they don’t want to “read a movie”.

Getting yelled at by customers. I got yelled at lot because customers had late fees or didn’t return movies on time or because we didn’t have the movie they wanted. My absolute favorite was calling the late list and there was a lady who was insistent that she had returned the movie, started yelling at me, told me I was worthless because I was working in a movie rental store and she was a successful business woman etc. Then lo and behold two hours later, her husband comes into the store with the movie and apologized for her as it had been on his side of the nightstand. That’s right lady, don’t show your face.

Being held up at gunpoint. Yeah you read that right. It was a Friday night (April Fool’s day, no less) and I was shift manager and I was prepping the new releases for the upcoming week, and I clearly remember one of those movies being Sideways. The door rang, I said my spiel of “Hello, welcome to Movie Gallery”, I look up and there’s a gun being pointed at me. I remember time slowing down and everything freezing. My insides immediately stopped working and I went on auto pilot. The guy (turned out to be a teenager) was wearing a hood and covered his face and told me to give him the money in the drawer. I went over the cashier, tried to catch the eye of my coworker and he told me to stop. I took out the money, luckily I had just done a cash drop so there was maybe like $150 in there. I asked him if he wanted the change as well. Then he ran out the store. It wasn’t until about 2 hours later that I started shaking. And that was the last night I worked at Movie Gallery. What a way to go out! For the record, they did catch the guys, they were robbing a bunch of movie stores all over the area.

And that’s just some of my adventures working at the video rental store. It’s sad to think that my kids will never be able to experience that and it will just be a legend when I tell them these stories. RIP movie rental stores.

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The Elephant in the Room

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So it is time that we acknowledged it.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, then you know that I’ve talked a lot about being single and how it’s been a struggle trusting God and waiting during this time period. However, if you are someone who used to follow my old blog and/or you know me in real life but we aren’t super close, then you are probably somewhat confused and have been wondering things for a while but was just afraid to ask.

So to answer your unasked question, I am currently single and I didn’t used to be. I got married when I was 24 and got divorced when I was 28. Out of respect for my ex-husband and because the entire world doesn’t need to know, I am not going to state publicly the reason for our divorce. However, if I am asked about it (and I know you somewhat), I don’t mind talking about it.

As a Christian, divorce can be a very touchy subject. Even when I was going through my own process, it was something that I had to pray a lot about and went through counseling before finally making the decision. It was a hard and tough one to make, quite possibly the most difficult decision I ever made. It’s not something you think about doing when you start the relationship (at least I hope the majority of people don’t do it). It’s definitely not something to be taken lightly. When I finally made the decision, I knew that I was going to lose a lot. I lost a lot of friendships.The biggest things were all the hopes and dreams that I had. I also had to rebuild myself up; my self-esteem and confidence from feeling like I wasn’t worthy or good enough.

I believe due to the nature of the reason of the divorce, I haven’t received any outward negative reactions from most people. One thing I was terrified of was being judged, especially by other Christians because of what it says in the Bible about divorce. And I know that there are people out there who do judge me. I will say this: before you judge me (or anyone else basically), unless you have gone through what I’ve gone through you will never know what it was like for me and you cannot tell me what I should have done or what you would have done instead. I made the decisions that was best for me in my situation and I have not regretted my choices and no matter what anyone says to me, I will not feel guilty for what happened. However, if there are people who are judging me horribly, they haven’t let me know right to my face. Instead I have found love, caring, and understanding in the people I have shared this with.

It is a bit weird sometimes to relate with other divorced women in the church. As I was only 28 when it was finalized (and I had been separated much earlier), I’m still quite young compared with most other women. They tended to be in the 40s+ and with children. And their situations are completely different from mine.

There have been though some amazing and things that have come out of all this. First and foremost, my faith in God has skyrocketed. During the worst parts of all this, I felt so alone and abandoned by everyone, including God. I was so angry at him for having all this happen and I blamed him for everything. But looking back, I realize that he never left me. He was protecting me the whole time and keeping me from harm. Even during the absolute worst time, I was in the final weeks of graduate school and I had two huge papers that I needed to write, and I have no idea how I was able to concentrate and get it done and I somehow walked away with a B+ and an A. Since then, I’ve never stopped seeking God and wanting to learn more from him.

I’ve also found that I’ve had to do things to step out of my comfort zone. Because I was finding myself being alone, I knew that I had to reach out other people even though (as I’ve stated) I hate initiating things. My church has an active young adult group and I forced myself to attend so I could find community and not be alone. Even though it was horrible rough and awkward for me at first, I kept going and that has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Through doing that, I’ve found some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life, who continually show me love and have been there every time I needed someone. I found that I didn’t have to go through it alone. I cannot thank them enough for being there during those horrible rough times and I know that God specifically placed them in my life. I have been blessed so much that I feel like I can never repay them and I continue to so thankful for them. In fact, my church in general has been wonderful throughout all this, showing and providing me support when I didn’t think it was possible.

My specific situation has also seen so much good come out of it. I’ve been able to share my story with other people and I’ve seen God specifically work in their lives because of it. It makes me look back and realize that even through a horrible mess God can create something beautiful. One of my very favorite stories ever of God working in my life is me being able to share my story with someone, who at the time I had known for about a week and a half. God kept nudging and telling me to share my story, which I kept resisting because I barely knew the person. Then I literally felt God hit me on the head to speak, and so I  finally shared not knowing why I was doing this (as I hadn’t shared my story with even my closest friends) and just trusted God. Nothing was said that night to explain the reason and I felt rather foolish doing it. But then it was revealed to me a few weeks later exactly why I shared and that spiraled off into so much good, that it can’t be denied how much God was working in our lives. Since then if God tells me to do something, I don’t resist him anymore.

So there have been many things I’ve learned and been blessed from God from this.

I’m not saying I’m in an ideal situation though. Being divorced still has somewhat of a stigma. I can’t hide it and I’m not going to. Sometimes though it almost feels like a label. If the option is there, I have to choose divorced. If someone can’t accept the fact that I’m divorced and that becomes a deal breaker, I have to accept it. We all come with baggage, I just come with some that I can’t hide. There are many people who believe that I should never get married again, and I have committed a horrible sin. As I do want to start dating again now, it can possibly be a very uphill road to climb. There are guys who will only want girls who have never been married and will never look twice at me once I reveal it to them. It’s sometimes hard to not be jealous of my friends who are going through all the events I’d thought I’d be experiencing now. It’s harder to wait and hope that one day it will eventually happen to me.

But it’s going to be ok. I’ve become a much stronger person because of this. If you were to see me four years ago and then see me now, you wouldn’t recognize me. Heck I barely even recognize myself. It seems like a completely different life time ago. I’ve basically become a different, better, and stronger person because of all this. It’s been an adventure and it’s going to continue to be one. I never thought I’d find myself in this place again, I thought I was done with dating and all the emotions that come with it.  It’s not going to be all fun and games as broken hearts, unrequited love, awkward times, all that jazz will and have already happened.

But you know what? I’m excited about it. I feel that I have a different approach and mindset now than I did before, mostly coming from being older and wiser. I have learned a lot from my past and I believe that when it’s time, I’ll enter a new relationship with a better expectations and with a new way of approaching things. God’s put me in this time and place for a reason and I choose to trust him with all this. I’ve gotten a chance to have a reboot in my life, and my goal is to make it worth it. I still believe that God has in his plans for me to get married and eventually have a family. He has continued to place that desire in my heart and so with a lot of prayer I wait for that day, trusting that God will be faithful and fulfill his promise.

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
“What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

1

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you…

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

I am fairly confident that I would say about 98% of people who are reading this post have been in love at some point in their life. You may not have told the person the actual words of “I love you” but it’s probably a safe guess that you have held feeling of that nature towards someone else.  And it’s probably a pretty good guess that a good majority of those folks have also been in love with someone who doesn’t love them back.

Now either you actually told them how you felt and then were disappointed when they said they couldn’t return the feelings or you loved the person from afar and watched as they gave those feelings away to someone else. Either way, unless you have an unbreakable heart or cannot feel things, you have experienced pain and heartache. When you feel deeply for someone and they can’t return those feelings, it hurts like crap. And because you’ve essentially offered up yourself only to be rejected, what usually follows are feelings of wondering what is wrong with you and what does someone else have that you don’t.

The emo song of all girls everywhere who love a guy that doesn’t love her back.

Because we feel better knowing that we’re not alone in feeling this way, I’ve chosen three examples from TV shows and movies that I believe describes the feelings that come with having a love that is unrequited.

WARNING! THERE BE SPOILERS THROUGHOUT! YOU WERE WARNED!!!!!

The first clip is from the 1994 version of Little Women, starring Winona Ryder as Jo and Christian Bale as Laurie. Jo and Laurie have been best friends for several years. Jo wants to go out, make her mark in the world, and live out her life, before even considering to think about settling down and getting married.Laurie, meanwhile, has decided he knows what he wants now. Every time I watch this scene, I’m like “Who on earth would say no to Christian Bale????” Laurie’s pain is very evident here as shown here by the words he says to her refusal. Unfortunately I believe what he does later on in the story and who he ends up with is purely a rebound from this scene. Start at the :52 mark.

The next scene is from the series 3 finale of Doctor Who, where Martha leaves the Tenth Doctor as his companion. Even though the two became extremely close friends, Martha had the unfortunate opportunity of being the companion following Rose Tyler who had been very close to the Doctor. Martha is a very smart and independent woman, herself a medical student, but she falls in love with the Doctor who doesn’t love her back. Some people aren’t a fan of Martha for this reason (they must be Rose fans). Throughout most of her season, you can see Martha struggling with her feelings, hoping that he’ll change his mind but he doesn’t. There is one episode where he does fall in love with someone, but it isn’t her and it pains her tremendously. The following clip is when Martha finally realizes what she has to do in order to help herself. Start at the 1:40 mark.

The final clip is from How I Met Your Mother. The majority of the entire series deals with Ted and Robin’s relationship. Ted and Robin are best friends. Ted has been in love with Robin from the beginning of this story and it is because of their relationship that triggers the search for the mother. From the very first episode, Ted has had strong feelings from Robin that have pretty much never wavered. Robin, on the other hand, has been pretty unsure about her feelings for Ted. She cares for him, but not as much as he does. Ted has lost several relationships because of his continued feelings for Robin and it is something that he keeps struggling with because she is one of his best friends. However, this scene marks a strong turning point for Ted in terms of their relationship. (The original clip got removed so I’ve replaced it. For the most part it’s the same thing)

The biggest thing to remember when your love isn’t returned that is you can’t let the hurt take over you. Yes, perhaps you do have some flaws but so does everyone. However just because the other person can’t return how you feel doesn’t mean you are a failure. Do not put the other person on a pedestal and think that their love is more worthy than yours They aren’t perfect and they are just as flawed as you are. You are not any less worthy a person just because one person doesn’t love you back. Having their love will not validate you as a person and they will not fix you. Only you can do that.

However, it’s perfectly normal to feel like you’re in the worst pain that you’ve ever felt in your life. Being rejected no matter how nice the other person was about it still sucks. You’ve basically offered what you thought was the best of you only to get turned down. And yes, there is the temptation to become bitter and angsty (and sometimes pyscho) and wish that one day this would happen to the other person so they can in turn understand all the hurt that you’re going through now. I caution against that. Accept the hurt. Mourn the loss. Let the pain happen. It sucks. It’s painful. Don’t try to play it off as it’s nothing and shove those feelings under a rug and ignore them.

BUT don’t let it take over you. It’s not always going to feel like that. You’re going to be ok. Things will get better. Or I’ll let Iris (Kate Winslet) from The Holiday explain it:

You may be in that deep, dark hole right now. You may feel like your heart has been ripped apart. You can cry and yell and curse at the world. But soon you will want to look up. And you will see the light trying to reach into that pit. And you will crawl out of there. And you will have hope. And you will be whole again.

  • “I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.” You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.” You, Lord, took up my case; you redeemed my life.”  (Lamentations 3:55-58)
  • “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.” (Psalm 25:16-18)
  • “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” (Hosea 6:1-3)
1

A Woman’s Right to Shoes

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Warning: This is going to be a fairly girly post. Deal with it.

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So I’m not that girly when it come to a lot of things.  I just never have been.  Though lately that seems to have changed.

True story: sometimes when I’m feeling down and I’m out shopping, I’ll go try on shoes. I won’t necessarily buy any of them but just the simple act of going window shopping for shoes makes me feel better.

I am really a girl when it comes to shoes. It’s funny because it didn’t used to be.  I just wore basically the same 2 pairs for everything and maybe had a few pair of dress shoes that made appearances only when I had to.  Then again, I wasn’t the one buying the shoes back in the day. My first major splurge on shoes was a pair of blue and yellow Vans that I bought from a surf shop for $80.  I loved those bad boys and wore those things everywhere.  It was a combination of I really loved them and I had to justify the high cost I paid, but I wore those things out.  I would love to find another pair of them on Ebay or something but sadly I don’t remember what the name was and I can’t even find a picture of them online.

Then I grew up.  And now I love shoes . My favorite place to get shoes is DSW. I really love DSW. If you have ever met me in person, and you mention that you like shoes, I will do everything in my power to get you to shop there and help you save money.  I think they have the best shoe selection, really good deals, an awesome rewards program, and their social media presence is one I wish a lot of other companies would follow. I have gotten so much free stuff from them and it’s fun going shoe shopping with friends. This post is not a plug for them FYI.

Since I’m rather short (I’m only 5’3), I love wearing heels and the higher they are the better.  Now I’m also rather clumsy, so I have to be careful with the type of heel I get.  I would break my neck with an extremely skinny stiletto.  But I’ve now gotten used to wearing heels that are up to 4.5 inches (as long as they also have a platform in the front).  Sadly, I still am not taller than some people in those heels, as they like to remind me all the time. You won’t ever see me running in heels unless you want me to die of a broken neck (this was my major problem with the movie In Time) but I can get around in mine quite well. I also scored a couple pairs of sandals as well that I really adore.

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I love boots as well.  I got this awesome pair of brown boots last year as part of my costume for Katniss to wear to DragonCon (another post for another day) and they are the best boots ever.  I also really like wearing knee high boots but as I have wider calves, it can be hard of a challenge to find a pair that fit.  Not to be all “grass is greener on the other side” but I seriously envy women with skinny calves.  This season I got a pair of black high heeled boots and a pair of brown riding boots that I love and will go quite well with dresses and skinny jeans this fall/winter.

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When it comes to casual shoes, I’m kind of a hipster.  I have a pair of TOMS that are pretty worn out, a  pair of Chuck Taylors, and these awesome aqua blue retro New Balances.  Seriously, I love how the color stands out and you can’t help but notice them.  For someone who went most of their life wearing a lot of black, color on me is a nice surprise.  I do also own a pair of Steve Madden black flats that go with EVERYTHING. They are such a wonderful staple.

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So shoes. Yes. They are fun.  I’m no Carrie Bradshaw who needs a closet just for shoes, and I don’t believe I will ever spend more than $80 on a pair of shoes ever in my life (no shoe is worth that much to me.) But to me, they help to define my personality a little better. And it’s fun. 🙂

6

It comes in pints?!

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Disclaimer: I am neither a beer critic or a heavy drinker. I am simply a beer fan.

Alcohol was never considered the devil’s drink in my house growing up but my parents didn’t drink. Due to my own personal religious convictions in high school, I had no desire to drink and may or may not have judged people my age who did back then. I went to college and actually resisted for a few months. Then because of a boy, I had my first two drinks, a Diet 7-Up mixed with gin and a Diet Sunkist mixed with rum.  After that, my next move would be to start trying out beer.

My first beer sadly was a Natural Light. I remember thinking how god-awful it tasted. My friend and I would alternate eating chips between sips. And so began a few years of drinking cheap beer because, well when you’re underage and can’t buy your own beer, beggars can’t be choosers. I went through a stage where I actually proclaimed that drinking 40s of Miller High Life was my favorite beer. All I knew of beer during those years was Coronas, Bud Lights, and the like. Drinking was mainly done not with the purpose of actually enjoying the taste of the beer. Ironically, a month before I turned 21 I stopped drinking. Yep, right before I was legal enough to actually buy beer, I decided to quit completely. For the next 7 years I was sober and became everyone’s designated driver.

Then I got older and I decided I wanted to get back into the tasting alcohol again but this time I wanted to do it right. I didn’t want to drink to get drunk, make myself pass out, or get sick. I knew that I did not want to drink any of that crap I used to drink again. My memories of beer was tasting something that akin to drinking cold/warm piss/vomit. And yet I knew that there must be good beer out there. Surely people did not spend all that money drinking stuff that tasted horrible.

My first beer to get me started again was a Blue Moon. Now I know what all you beer snobs and enthusiasts think about that. But I found it delicious and refreshing. I was like “Wow! This is actually good! I like this!” So since then, I’ve been trying to discover new beers. I now know what I like (mostly wheat beers) and I’ve basically learned that if I just tell the bartender or whoever that I like Blue Moon and can you recommend me something like that, usually I can find a new beer that I like. Other than Blue Moons, I mostly drink craft beers and have found almost all of them extremely tasty and delicious. It’s fun trying out new beers, and I’m getting better at finishing a whole entire pint without passing out now!

The biggest thing I’m learning is that beer is so much better when you enjoy the taste. I don’t drink to get drunk. It’s more about enjoying the flavor of the beer. I have had tastes of beer that I don’t like. Apparently I’m not a big IPA fan and I tend to stay away from darker beers. I haven’t had a mainstream beer since I started redrinking. To me those beers were mainly chugged fast, because they tasted so awful and thus one gets drunk faster.  Whereas now, I savor my beer. I don’t nurse the thing though. I do also like cocktails as well though I am not a wine drinker at all. (But those are topics for another day)

My only problem with any sort of drinking is that I get that dreaded Asian glow where I turn bright red and I get really warm after drinking just a bit. It’s only annoying because you can definitely tell what I’ve been doing. But I’ve gotten used it and it’s now just a running joke. Just if you ever go drinking with me, expect to see a bright red face after just a few sips.

So what do I want from you, dear readers? Recommend me some good beers! To start you off, I like Blue Moon. Pretend to be a bartender and go from there! I’m counting on you! Also if you’re on Untappd, feel free to friend me @beatccr. Sadly I only just started using the app so I don’t have too many beers up yet but SOON.

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Finding Peace (aka I can breathe normal again)

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So a few weeks ago I wrote a post on trusting God when things seem impossible. I’ve been encouraged by the feedback I’ve gotten for it. It’s been really good to hear other people share their experiences with me.

In the past few weeks my church did a series entitled The Missing Peace. The series dealt with what is the concept of peace, how to find peace, and being peacemakers. The congregation was also encouraged to send questions via email about these topics. I didn’t submit a question, mainly because I wasn’t quite sure exactly how to phrase what I wanted to ask about knowing when to give up vs when to keep praying and trusting in terms of finding peace; also I was slightly terrified they would use names when asking the question and I didn’t want to risk that. (I know, I have no problems saying this on my blog which is PUBLIC but God forbid people in my church found out! Yes I see the ridiculousness in that as well. I encourage you to laugh at/with me.)

Thanks to the messages in the series and discussion with my small group afterwards, I decided to have a good long talk with God about my life and things I’ve been struggling with.  And after I was done, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a peace about things in my life. It’s been a while (or perhaps even never) that I’ve had the sense of peace that’s come over me.

I still have NO IDEA what’s going to happen in my life. I am still going to feel anxious and worry at times. That’s normal and natural. If I didn’t feel like that, then I’m not a human. Struggles WILL happen. But the thing is, this time I feel that God’s given me a sense of direction of what he wants me to do in my life right now. And he’s telling me “You’ve done everything you can. Now give it over me and trust me.” And for the first time ever in this area of my life, I’m finally relinquishing that control and I’m letting him take over.

When I did that, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off of me. I can’t begin to tell you what a difference that’s made in my life since doing that. Honestly the simple act of giving over my worries and anxieties over to God has made me feel so much lighter and less stressed. I’ve had several friends remark on how I seem a lot better, not stressed out as much, and seem calm compared to where I was a few months ago. What normally would be an antagonizing and emotional time for me, where I withdraw and become angst filled, has instead been a time where I am feeling relatively motivated, happy, and overall peace filled.

God’s been showing me more since I asked him to (doors have been shut and sealed, while others still remain open). Even simple little prayer requests that would have seemed very trivial beforehand, I’m now asking God and they are getting answered. And then I’m seeing him working in other areas, some I didn’t even consider and now I realize it’s all happened because of Him. Just more reassurances of what happens when you trust in Him.

It’s funny how certain parts of our lives we can trust God completely and know that he will take care and provide for us without a doubt.  Then there are other parts where we fight and wrestle for control with God because we don’t trust him enough to fulfill and meet those areas of our lives. Even though the obvious answer is that of course God will meet all our needs, it’s just in his time and not ours. Part of our responsibility is to just let go and let him take over. And once you reach that point, it honestly becomes so much better.

When you learn to surrender & let go rather than cling & control..everything falls into place as it should. – The Single Woman

Just an addendum: I’m not going to sugarcoat things and tell you this was an easy choice for me. It’s hard. It may seem like the obvious thing to do, but you have to make the choice to get to this decision and it can take a long time before you realize what you need to do. Just keep praying and trusting and stay strong in your faith. And it’s ok when you have down days and feel like you don’t understand things. You are normal. Take heart.

  • “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.” (Psalm 25:4-7)