Category Archives: Ponderings

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I’m not sure if I’m not supposed to want this?

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I had a dream the other night. And when I woke up in the morning I felt sad. In the dream I was happy because what I wanted was happening. But then I woke up and it’s not true, it’s not happening. And while I wasn’t angry with God when I woke up, it made me still ask him, “Why did you let that happen? Why give me that desire if you don’t want that for me?”

Desires are a funny thing.

A desire (noun) is : a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

To desire (verb) means: “strongly wish for or want (something).”

I think one of the hardest passages to understand in the Bible for me is Psalm 37:4: “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

I’ve read/listened to many explanations of that verse and almost all of them agree that if you trust in the Lord and leave it up to him, he will then direct you to what he wants instead of what you want. And I do believe that is true. I believe that God will eventually turn you around towards his path vs what you wanted and then you’ll look back and realize He was right all along and knew better than you did.

But then why do we still want things? If something is not meant for us and IF it’s not in God’s plan for us (whether right now or ever) why do those feelings still linger? Even after lots of prayer and turning it over to God? Are we being tested? Is the enemy trying to see if he can make us get tempted so that we’ll go against what God wants and sin by coveting what we shouldn’t have? But how do we know if we’re not even supposed to have it?

I don’t know if any of you ever have had experience with addiction in your life (whether yours or someone else) but the road to recovery is a hard one. Just because you think you can easily give up something doesn’t mean someone else is weak just because they can’t do it that fast. Then there’s always the chance they can relapse even after years of being sober because just one thing triggers that desire again.

Not to say that all desires are like addictions but sometimes it can feel like that. You try to push away that desire, you’ve let it go and you’ve turned it over to God, you live your life hopefully the way He wants, but then one little memory can trigger back all those emotions all over again.

I still haven’t figured this out. All I can do is just keep praying. This is definitely one of the questions I’m going to be asking God when I get to heaven. (Yes I have a list. And yes I will probably forget them all when it actually happens).

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You Can’t Go Home Again

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The holidays are coming up. This means that most people will go back to their hometown to reunite with family and friends. Everyone will catch up and reunite and for the most part it’ll be good to see everyone again.

I realized the other day that though I go home every year, I usually just spend time with my family. I never seen anyone else. My life is up here and not back there. Other than seeing what people are up to on Facebook (and not even actively communicating at that), I have lost touch with many of the people I was friends with in school.

Everyone’s all doing this

and I’m all like

I’m not really sure when it happened. I know it all started when we split up for college. Everyone went their separate ways, found new friends, and started new lives. Even though we got together when we were home for breaks and holidays, it was never the same as it used to be.

I realize that people have families of their own now and that is their main focus. But I also realized that there are still tons of people (and not just those that I grew up with) that are still good friends with their childhood friends. They still stay in touch constantly, still make an effort to actually see each other in person, and are never out of each other’s lives.

Part of me wonders if maybe I wasn’t as close to my friends in high school as I thought I was. Was there something wrong with me that no one wanted to stay in touch? I mean heck, I have no idea if/when my senior class is ever having a reunion because not a single person has contacted me about it. Confession: Since graduation, I was invited to ONE wedding from someone I knew high school. To be fair, and probably because of that, I barely invited any of them to mine but considering the results probably for the best. Meanwhile I see my current friends share wedding, baby, pretty much all life announcements of their old friends all the time. I see other friends post pictures of our mutual friends from high school getting married and obviously I’m not there for it.

It sometimes makes me feel forgotten. That people don’t care about what’s happened in my life to reconnect with me. But I’ve come to accept that those relationships are all over and not a part of my life anymore. Maybe I should have reached out more, maybe others should have done the same thing. Maybe I still could. I don’t know. I’m a drastically different person that I was back in the day so the me that people knew back then is not the same one that exists right now.

I’m good with where I’m at in life and my current friends have been fantastic and I know God’s placed them in my life at exactly the right time. I know I don’t have to keep looking back at the past.

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I know I’m not a special snowflake….

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I’ve been seeing the word “basic” used a lot lately to describe females and I didn’t know what it meant. Kids these day with their slang. To be honest, I’m still not 100% sure exactly what it is even after reading this Buzzfeed list but I have concluded that I am not one of these girls. People seem to be making fun of them but if that’s what you like, that’s what you like.

Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted to fit in. I always felt like I stood out and not in a good way. I didn’t want to be called out for looking or acting different from everyone else. Most of this had to do with the fact that I was one of the very few Asian kids in my school. While I wasn’t ashamed of being Asian, I also wanted to blend in with everyone else. School is rough and kids will tease you for anything that makes you stand out. And believe me I got a lot of teasing.

Growing up, it was always a struggle to be my own person and fit in at the same time. Which is of course what (almost) everyone else is doing. Some just do it better than others. There are some people who have the gift and ability to do whatever they want to do and no one will question them or tease them. In fact, they become the trend setters and everyone wants to do what they do.


As I’ve become an adult, the struggle is still there though I’ve discovered lately that it’s perfectly fine not to be like everyone else. It’s good to stand out when everyone else around you appears to be the same. Sometimes though it can also feel like a bad thing because you feel like because you stand out, it makes others feel uncomfortable because they don’t like different.

Then I got through times in life where I’m living one of these situations:

  • There are some days when I feel like I’m the last one to realize something and I wonder what’s wrong with me that everyone else knew this before I did.
  • There are other days when I’m the first one to get to something and I wonder what’s wrong with me or it because t no one else has done this yet.

I can’t figure this out. I feel really weird about it. I’m pretty positive that other people experience it as well but they just don’t let on.

Here’s the thing. I know that I’m not so incredibly unique that only these things happen to me and no one else. I am NOT a special snowflake. I can’t possibly be the only person among all the billions of people who live on this planet plus all the billions of people who lived before me that go through these things. Maybe people don’t talk about it and just learned how to deal with it on their own.

It’s not that I need approval from others. It’s just I personally hate the feeling of not knowing how to handle a situation when everyone else around me either does or is pretending that they do. To quote Beth from Little Women: “But I don’t like being left behind.”

The crazy thing in all this is that I know however that I am not the same as everyone else and that’s a good thing too!

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,  so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” (Romans 12:4-6a)

Ultimately, I’m happy with the way I am and have become. I greatly enjoy my interests and my quirkiness and humor. I know that there are people who do appreciate it and others who don’t get me at all. That’s ok. Just like I’m not going to get along with everyone else, I don’t expect universal approval. I still want to fit in but I don’t want to be like everyone else.

Most of you have figured this out YEARS ago but as we all know I’m a late bloomer. Sometimes I just need to talk myself through these situations to figure it all out. That’s just something that’s uniquely part of being me. And I do like being me.

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Keep My Heart Slow

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Whenever messages at church lean towards marriage and family, while I still try to listen and get much out of it as I can, it still can feel slightly uncomfortable. All the teaching and advice is very helpful but if you’re not at that stage of life and you don’t know if you ever will be, it feels like it’s not going to help you. And it hurts when you feel like the church has forgotten about people who are NOT married or with children. Sometimes you make the choice to be single and sometimes you don’t want to be in that state but either way it can feel like you’re overlooked in favor of those who are in a coupled relationship.

On Sunday, I knew that the teaching was going to be on Colossians 3:18-21. I’ve heard messages on this passage several times and while I wasn’t apathetic to it, I just wasn’t super excited because I didn’t think it’d apply to me right now in life. And then my pastor said this in his prayer to open up the message: “There may be a number here who are single but this is still very much for them. There is much here for all of us no matter what state we are in life.”

Well then.

The passage from Colossians says this:

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

As my pastor explained, the world view of submission and spiritual authority is different from it actually means.

The definition he gave: “Submission is an inner quality of willing obedience that is a gift to the husband based on Christ’s example of willingly submitting to His Father that affirms the leadership of the husband within the limits of obedience to Christ.” But it does not mean that if he wants her to do something clearly wrong she has to do it.

The husband and wife are equal to one another as Christ is equal to his Father, but He still submits to the Father.

Spiritual leadership can be difficult because a lot of guys have no idea what that is or what they are supposed to do. “Spiritual leadership is servant leadership which is a husband’s gift to his wife based on Christ’s coming not to be served, but to serve and give His life as a ransom for many.” He needs to submit to his wife meaning he will die for her and therefore she will submit to his spiritual leadership. A woman can have more Biblical knowledge than her husband but that doesn’t mean he should be intimidated. He just needs to see to it that her spiritual needs are being met and that the wife knows he is following the Lord and praying for her.

Couples shouldn’t use these verses as scriptural grenades at each other. The verses aren’t supposed to be used to attack each other, they are for  A man who has to tell his wife that she needs to submit to her probably isn’t leading very well and a woman who has to tell her husband to love her more may not be submitting very well. Any time you have to tell someone what else they are supposed to be doing probably means YOU’RE not doing what YOU are supposed to be doing.

“Show me a man who is willing to die for his wife and I’ll show you a woman who is willing to submit to her husband.”

The takeaway is to never ever lose hope. Your hope is not in your spouse. Your hope is in the Lord. “The gospel leads us to an ultimate hope in Jesus, not in a spouse or any other human relationship.”

This entire message was SUPER good. And I’m really glad to have heard it.

It can also be a hard message to hear. When you keep hearing how a man should want to die for his wife because he loves her just as Christ died for us, it can hurt to hear that when you’re single. I have to fight the voices of doubt that creep in telling me I’m not good enough and that no one wants to die for me. That even though I have a ton of friends who do care about me, in reality I should just prepare to die because they are going to take care of their spouses first over me. These are lies that can poison me if I spend too much time listening to them.

I’ve written before how I feel like I need to wait.

The song “I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons has been rather significant for me over the year. There’s a line in there that’s been my prayer to God for the past few months:

Bow my head
Keep my heart slow

I’ve been asking God to help me with my heart. To keep it where He wants it now. I have the tendency to lose my heart very fast which then results in getting hurt more than I should have. I get excited about things very easily. If I’m interested in ANYTHING, I want to dive in headfirst and am very enthusiastic right from the get go. It’s not that I burn out easily, it’s just I invest more than I probably should. Which leads to a lot of heartbreak and pain a lot of the time.

So instead right now, I’m asking God to help me slow down. To focus my heart on where and what HE wants me to focus on and not necessarily on what I want. This doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope of ever finding someone (or someone finding me) and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be in a relationship or get married (again) but I’m not making it the most important thing in my life at the moment.

By keeping my heart slow, it means making wiser decisions. It means having clarity and discernment. It means spending less time worrying. It means letting go. It means really trusting on God. It means waiting. Every single thing God has told me over the past three years to do.

I still don’t know what God has planned in my life for me. All I know is that right now I know what I need to do.

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Everyone Hates Group Invites

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Have you ever decided you wanted to do something and you think “I like to do this with a bunch of people. They’d probably enjoy this too!”? So you come up with a list of people who you really want to invite and perhaps add a few backups just in case the A List can’t make it. Then you decide to send out your invites either via email, text, Facebook messenger because no one really does snail mail invites anymore for non formal events.

Because you want to save time, you just send out one mass invite to everyone. Should be easy right?

Wrong.

You can’t send out group invites where everyone can see that other people are invited. It just doesn’t work.

You’re not going to hear back from everyone. Some people are going to reply, others will not. They will think they don’t need to because someone else will.

If they can see the guest list, there will be times when they will make their decision on who else is coming first. Unless this is something that they really want to do or they really enjoy spending time with you, these folks will NOT make their RSVP until they see who else is coming. Who’s going to be the first to push the button?

People also hate the reply all button. And unless you are using a platform like Facebook messenger which allows you to opt out of the group, you are stuck getting tons of text messages or emails that you do NOT want. It’s a pain to keep getting messages from people you don’t know especially when you can’t tell who it is. And since you never really wanted to be included on this in the first place, you’re really not going to reply back with a positive answer.

So what’s the trick to getting people to go out and do something with you?

Be super popular and be so cool that EVERYONE wants to be around you and asks YOU to hang out with them so much that you just decide to ignore people when they want to hang out with you.

Just kidding (sorta).

You have to be pro active about inviting. People are always going to have plans. Even when they don’t have active plans, sometimes if they don’t hear about anything going on they will just plan for a night in. Making last-minute plans can sometimes work, but if you know you want to do something in advance, you need to act early on it to make it happen.

You have to plan wisely. Realize that not everyone is going to be able to everything.

Also, DON’T SEND OUT GROUP INVITES.  People will get irritated with YOU for putting them on that list in the first place. They don’t want

If you MUST send out a group email, do what you do at work, and just BCC everyone. So what if people don’t know who else is coming? Unless they are totally freaked out or disgusted at hanging out one on one with you (then which they really shouldn’t be your friend in the first place), should it matter?

Basically just use judgement. Don’t include people on group texts, emails if you know they won’t go. People shouldn’t feel left out if they know they can’t come.

Personally invite each person that you want to go with you. Yes, this will take up more time and it’s not as convenient but it probably will get better results. People (despite everything we say about not having enough time or being too busy) still enjoy one on one personal interaction with people they care about. You may have to make the list smaller if you, yourself, are short on time.

It’s still not guaranteed though. Nothing is certain. You can personally invite someone, get a response, and they STILL leave you hanging.

Or you can read these very helpful articles

Making Plans with People

Worries People Often Have About Making Friends and Plans

Examples Of Organizing Various Group Social Plans

and if the worst thing happens and no one wants to go out with you?

Going Out Alone To Meet New Friends And Practice Your Social Skills

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Can’t you just take a joke?

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Even though I’ve come to accept that teasing is a way of life, I still don’t understand it.

Oh sure, I do it to other people as well. I mean I’m the oldest of three kids, it’s part of growing up. I don’t know why I do it. Sometimes it’s funny because I’ll get a laugh from other people but most of the time, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I think a lot of it also stems from this: where if we don’t like something, we can’t understand why someone else does (or vice versa). And because we can’t understand it, we use teasing as a defense mechanism to try to justify our way of thinking.

A lot of folks will just tell you to lighten up or don’t take it so seriously if you get offended by the teasing. I think the worst response I ever after I told someone to stop teasing me was “well you asked for it. It’s your fault.” Don’t ever tell someone that they asked for the teasing, that they wanted the teasing. You are in control of your own actions. Own up to it and admit it.

Growing up, I got teased a lot for being Asian. Kids would come up to me and bow at me, pull back their eyes, or say things like “CHING CHONG” at me. To this day I still cannot understand why this happens. Why do we make fun of things that are different from us? Did their parents just never educate them on different cultures? Were they unaware of what their kids were doing? Or did they themselves also make fun of Asians at home and their kids were just imitating them? As an aside, I think that’s why to this day even though I am proud of being Asian, culturally I fit better with being “American and white” because I didn’t want to stand out so much and get teased.

 

I still get teased a lot for things I like because other people either 1) don’t like them or 2) cannot understand why I like something they deem to be inferior. Example: I like lighter colored beers such as witbiers, belgian goldens, radlers, etc. I’m not a fan of the bitterness in a lot of IPAs and beers like stouts are just too much for me. I accept the fact that while I don’t mind trying new things because maybe I might like them, I pretty much know what I like and I’m good with that. I’m also proud that I discovered this on my own after multiple tastings and doing research vs. being completely clueless. That being said, I feel like every time I go out with people and order a beer that I like, I get teased mercilessly for being such a girl because of my choices. All the guys will have darker beers and I’ll have a flight of lighter colored beers. And I’m like….What on earth do you want me to do? Why am I getting teased for this? I AM A GIRL. This is what I like. You’re not going to respect me any more if I just do what you want me to do.

Usually I just ignore it because I know I’ve done nothing wrong but sometimes teasing like this gets really annoying.

While I’ve been teased my entire life, sometimes to the point where I end up crying, I’ve thankfully never been really bullied. And I feel so sorry for all the people who do, especially kids and teenagers who get bullied for things they truly cannot control. I really do not understand the mindset behind a bully. It’s so disgusting that someone gets so much happiness out of making someone miserable to the point where they end up killing themselves to stop the hurt. And even then it’s still not enough because the bullies keep targeting others. Maybe it’s a good thing I cannot understand this way of thinking.

But that’s the extreme way of teasing. I’m not saying that there should never be teasing in life. A good amount is healthy and if it’s good-natured, then it can be fun for everyone. Just be wise about it.

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Say something, I’m giving up on you

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Something must be wrong with my phone.

I mean that must be the reason why I haven’t heard anything back.

It’s not showing me that I have any notifications.

I don’t see a text. Or a call. Or a email. Or a chat.

After all I do have Sprint. I mean sometimes their service can be unreliable.

Maybe my message didn’t go through. Or perhaps the return message didn’t go through.

So it must be the phone’s fault.

It can’t be because I’m being deliberately ignored. Right?

I could think of a bunch of excuses. To justify the reason.

People get busy. People forget to respond.

Maybe it’s the OTHER phone’s fault. Maybe it got stolen. Or broken.

Or maybe there was a kidnapping, illness, natural disaster, moved away.

Hoping that there wasn’t a death and no one contacted me about it.

Most likely though, it’s not intentional. Though it could very well be.

Maybe there just needs to be space. And time. And waiting. And being patient.

There’s always a reason. I just don’t know it yet.

The point is that despite all the things I just wrote, I’m not worrying about it.

The message on Sunday in church was yet ANOTHER one of those ones when I was NOT expecting it to be relevant to me and yet it was again. The speaker filling in talked about having a “black water” experience, and how hard helmet diving is a good illustration about facing a trial when you’re a Christian. Just like diving into places where everything is pitch black and you can’t see anything, going through trials makes you feel like you’re isolated, alone, and in the dark. You don’t know what’s going to happen and you get lost and scared. The only thing that you can rely on is having trust in someone who will tell and show you what you need to do. And then when it’s all done, you’ll come out of the pit, the hole, the darkness and you’ll look and be amazed at what you went through and still made it.

God is the only one that knows what exactly is happening and why it’s happening in this way. From past experiences, I know that I’ll be in the pit looking up and I have to trust that God will rescue me and bring me back up. And when I do come back up, everything seems so much better. And I also know I couldn’t have done it without my faith.

The waves of death swirled about me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
“In my distress I called to the Lord;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears. (2 Samuel 22:5-7)

Basically, it’s going to be ok. It’s scary now not being able to see and not knowing what’s ahead. But because I know that I can trust in God, because I know that he’s not failed me in the past, it will be ok.

Maybe the phone will ring or a text will come. And maybe it won’t ever. It’ll still be ok.

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Ask God a Question? You Get an Answer

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It happened again.

Those times where I swear God decides that I’m being too dense and He chooses to speak directly at me through someone else so that I’ll actually listen to what He wants me to hear.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been really writing a lot of faith posts lately. Not because my faith has changed or gotten any less. It’s just I’ve been busy and focused on things. One of my major prayers got recently answered and while I’m very blessed and thankful, worries that had gone to the back burner are back in full force again.

It was one of those Sundays where I started off my drive to church being honest with God. I wasn’t angry at him this time. Just frustrated with things. And I told Him how it was making me feel. I know that some people don’t like complaining to God but I’m all for letting him know what’s going on my end.

This particular time I was frustrated with myself for worrying so much about the future. I’m a planner by nature. I like knowing how everything is going to be so that when it happens, there are no surprises that will cause me stress or worry. Ironically though because of this desire, I still get stressed out and get anxiety because I can’t make things go smoothly beforehand. I don’t like not knowing the future because I hate uncertainty yet worry about things makes it worse.

I told God about how I wish I could be someone who lives in the present and never seems to worry about anything. They have such a carefree anything goes attitude and just seem happy all the time. I feel like I could never be that kind of person however because I DO like planning ahead and the thought of never planning for anything is terrifying.

And then sometimes I feel like I live in the past. Not that I want to stay there but memories keep popping up and I want to get them out of my head and they just will not go away. I had been catching up with episodes of this season’s Doctor Who and there was a character who continually had memory wipes so that he could forget things. Even though I knew the consequences of not remembering things, I totally envied him because sometimes memories carry too much pain with them.

I walked into church feeling very meh that morning. I did pray that hopefully I would get something out of the sermon but I wasn’t feeling very into it. And then of course, it would be the Sunday that all the worship songs we sang seemed to jump out at me.

Focus my eyes
Away from myself
You become greater
I become less

Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good

When the songs finished and the guest pastor walked out, I was like oh, I’m not going to get anything out of today’s sermon. It’s not going to be anything I can relate to. This is ——“I am a planner. I am always thinking about the future. I am always thinking about what’s to come,” he said. I immediately shrunk down in my seat with my mouth slightly ajar.

Are you kidding me God? Seriously?

He then proceeded to talk about how we all tend to default to living in the past, present, and future. Some of us might focus on just one area, others will dabble.

(WHAT IS GOING ON???)

All have good qualities: you learn from the past and don’t want to repeat mistakes, by staying in the present you become less anxious and don’t worry as much, planning for the future can be wise. However all have negative qualities as well: you become focused on reliving the glory days or staying focused on what’s hurt you before, you have to keep getting a kind of “high” every day to stay happy, and too much living in the future makes you not focus on what’s in front of you.

We’ll have arguments with God where we just ask him to show us that he’s there, to throw us a bone, give us a sign, just prove to us that he’s there and hasn’t abandoned us. (Have I been bugged????)

He instead then said that the best thing to focus on was being in the presence of God. That no matter what is going on in life, no matter how good or bad things will get and how much you may worry, it’s better to realize that God is always there.

In Your presence there is freedom
In Your presence there is hope
In Your presence there is healing
Love restores me, I am whole

No matter how far I run
You are with me
No matter how far I fall

Your love is everlasting
Your kindness never ends
God You never leave me
Your presence goes before us
Your glory has no end
God You never leave me

The focus of the message was on John 14:1-17 and while I won’t post all of it here, the passage basically explains how Jesus is telling the disciples that they need to just believe in him. They don’t need signs or other miracles (though he has already shown them these things). Just have faith.

Well. Geez. I don’t think it could have been any clearer that God was choosing to speak to me through this message. Yes, I know that it wasn’t made specifically JUST for me. Yes, I know that all this had been planned for at least several days beforehand. And yes it does seem like a big coincidence.

But I know it isn’t. I know that God didn’t create specifically this for me because there are many people who benefited from hearing something like that. But He knew I needed to hear it and He knew WHEN I needed to hear it. It’s just always is incredibly freaky when it happens mere minutes after you tell and ask Him those exactly questions and He answers it immediately. True, it doesn’t always happen. And sometimes you may NEVER get an answer. But those times when it does happen? Awesome.

Therefore all my worries about God not caring and turning a deaf ear to me? Yeah…He just pretty much pulled one on me. God: Infinity. Deborah: Zero.

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Anniversaries, milestones and memories

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todayinhistory

I have two degrees in history which can be interpreted that I enjoy remembering and preserving the past. One of the things that comes of being a history scholar/buff is that you’re really good with remembering dates and anniversaries. You remember why specific dates are important and what happened on that day in history. You may not exactly want to relive the past but you know why it’s a significant date and worthy of remembering.

I sometimes wonder if things fall on certain dates or milestones and it’s just a coincidence and me trying to connect everything or if God’s the one in control.

Again it’s always really good timing when the message at church seems to correspond with both posts I’ve written about recently or ones that I’m getting ready to write. It makes me feel like God is tracking with me and helps me to hear what I need. This past week in church, our pastor talked about how “For better or worse, human character always impacts history. But divine character, led and influenced by the Holy Spirit, always impacts eternity.” He talked about things can happen and we can just classify them as being just a coincidence and brush it off or is it something much more significant and important than that?

There are certain dates that are upcoming in the near future that to the average person aren’t important and could be written off as just coincidences. And to be honest, sometimes I question why I feel so strongly about these dates. Is it nostalgia? Sentiment? Wishful thinking at trying to make everything fit? Or are they all part of God’s bigger plan and I’m aware that I’m a part of it?

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I really don’t try too hard to make everything connect together. It’s not like I’m sitting here trying to find the tiniest little thing that matches up with something else. But when things DO fit together and you look back at them, sometimes there’s just nothing else you can say but how it’s totally a God thing. There’s no other explanation. I’m not trying to manipulate the circumstances at all.

I talked about last week about how the die has rolled a certain way in my life and I was meant to be in a certain timeline. Sometimes I question why because it just seems like everything can feel pointless and am I really making that much of a difference. But then I’m reminded that sometimes all I need to really do is just plant the seed and God will take of it and he’ll do all the work. Even if I never see what comes of it this side of heaven, I just need to do what I’ve been told to do.

So as these anniversaries go by, I don’t have to make a big deal of it. I don’t even need to recreate everything that happened in my mind and relive those memories. But I also don’t need to constantly ponder if these things happened for a reason because I know that they did. I know that God purposely planned out everything and even if I can’t see or understand it now, I just need to trust in Him. He’s used me and he’ll continued to use me as he sees fit. He’s placed me in THIS timeline for a reason.

“And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14b)

Life is so complicated. But God calls us to trust Him. To rest in Him as He holds us in His hands, as He fulfills His promise to work the details of our everything together for our good. http://shereadstruth.com/2013/08/08/wob3day4/

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Wait, there are other timelines?

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If you follow me on Twitter or know me in real life, you know that my favorite TV show right now is Community. (Yes, I’m late to the game. I already know this.)

One of my favorite episodes and what I think fans and critics agree is the best episode of the show is “Remedial Chaos Theory”. In that episode, a die is rolled to determine which member of the group goes to pick up the pizza that was delivered. With each result of the die and depending on who had to leave to get the pizza, a different timeline is created as events become altered.

Eventually there is a prime timeline and “The Darkest Timeline”.

Even with all the fun aspects of this episode (plus the fact that I now have “Roxanne” by The Police stuck in my head, thanks a lot Britta), what I got most out of watching it was how just one simple decision in life can change the course of the future.

While there are many of those stories I have in my life, today I’m going to focus on a decision that I did not initiate but it would eventually map out my life.

When I was a freshman in college, I was ready to take on the world. I was going to be a chemical engineer and make lots of money. Before I left for school, I fell in deep like with a guy from back home. We went to high school together but we didn’t become friends until the summer before I left. Once I got to school, we spent a lot of time talking on AIM and on the phone getting to know each other. And I really liked him. I came home for a weekend to hang out with him and we went to a concert and the movies together and I hoped that something would come of it. However, he eventually made the decision to not further our relationship.

I will admit that I didn’t handle it so well. As an 18 year old college freshman, I was not as mature as I am now in how I reacted. Not towards him but more so in the decisions I made after that. And because of how I handled it, those decisions that I made then affected where I am today.

I don’t blame him at all for what happened. He had every right to make that decision all those years ago and looking back as well as looking to see where we are today, I do believe that for both us it was the right decision. But it interesting that one choice eventually affected so much.

What if the die had rolled a different way? What would that timeline have looked like? It would have been completely different from where I am now. I think of all the people I have met up until today and without sounding cocky, all the lives I’ve impacted. If things had gone different 13 years ago, this would not have been the case. I might have kept continuing studying engineering and created something that would have saved the world. I might have ended up with him or someone else and not had the relationships I ended up having. The world could have ended.

In all seriousness, I know that things happen for a reason. God chooses to close doors and lead you down the path that he wants you to be on. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now. All the experiences I’ve gone through, no matter how hard they were and sometimes how much they sucked happened to me for a reason. All the people I’ve met, all the friends I’ve made, all the emotions I’ve dealt with, they’ve happened for a reason. And I’m happy with that. It’s not the path I thought was going to be on but I know it’s the right for me.

I do wonder what happened in all those other timelines.