Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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Working Hard or Hardly Working?

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I’ve been at my new job for a few months now. I’ve learned A LOT about working in a library since then but of course there’s still so much to learn. Ever since I started working at my new job, I feel like I get the same reaction from people who don’t seem to quite understand what happens in a library. I really enjoy my job and it’s a great feeling to be looking forward to going to work every day. But just like everything in life, there are several misconceptions that seem to be in everyone’s mind.

No. I don’t sit behind a desk and get to read all day.

No. Book are not on their way out.

Yes. I can show you how to use the printer or the copy machine.

No. I have not read all the books.

No. I am not threatened by ebooks or Netflix taking away our business.

Yes. I do enjoy being around people all day.

No. It is never boring. (Sitting behind a desk doing contracts all day sounds boring, IMHO)

No. I cannot ban the noisy teenagers.

Yes. We do accept donations.

No. We don’t want your moldy books or old textbooks.

No. I can’t sit here and show you how to use the Internet all day.

Yes. I love my job.

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“Fresh Off the Boat”: It’s About Damn Time

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If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that this week I was SUPER EXCITED for the new show Fresh Off the Boat.

I actually do not cover this show for Entertainment Weekly. I am just damn excited for it on my own. (Though I DO cover The Musketeers and Veronica Mars, if you would like to read up on those, shameless plug)

Why? Because it’s the first show in over 20 years to star an Asian American family on network TV since Margaret Cho’s All American Girl came out in 1994.

Seriously? It’s taken TWENTY years for America to be ok with seeing an Asian American family on TV again?

Sure there have been Asian actors that have had major roles in TV shows.

selfiereconstruct

John Cho

Yunjin Kim, Daniel Dae Kim, Naveen Andrews

Ken Jeong

Mindy Kaling

Those were just some notable examples. But while Asians have starred in TV shows, there’s only been one show on network TV that stars an entire Asian American family. Which is insane considering that Asians make up 5.3% of the U.S. population. I mean are we STILL that foreign to you?

The only other Asian family I have seen in a TV show over the past few years was Sullivan and Son which featured an interracial family (and coincidentally starring the same mom from All American Girl) where cultures are blended. But that as on TBS and sadly it got canceled last year.

Why did I love the first two episodes of FOB so much? First off, it was actually REALLY funny. And it’s funny right from the beginning and not like Selfie funny where all the better writing happens right before the show gets canceled. Second, the acting so far is great. Constance Wu, who plays the mom, is hilarious and is pretty much my mother. She’s a tiger mom yes (it’s not a stereotype, if you grew up with parents who immigrated to the US, they really are like this) but she also loves her boys and she plays it well. The dad is great too (really the Bill Pullman scene is funny because it’s true) and the boys are adorable.

Also if you’re trying to place where you might have seen Randall Park who plays Eddie’s dad:

Finally, because I could relate so much to Eddie’s character. The story is just like my family with three boys instead of the three girls. The feeling of wanting to assimilate to find my own identity. Being teased because I was different. Being called ethnic slurs. I can’t begin to tell you how many times the scene when Eddie gets called a “chink” has happened to me just liked that when I was growing up. And I’m SO glad that was shown because yeah, this stuff actually happens. The show is not racist or stereotyped because for many Asian Americans: THIS ALL HAPPENED TO US. As long as the show does not go into stock Asian characterization, this should be a breakthrough as more diversity needs to happen on TV because….it happens in REAL LIFE.

I know I’ve been going on a diversity kick lately on my blog but that’s because it’s something that is very important to me. I’ve grown up for years trying to be like everyone else and wanting to be like everyone else because that was what surrounded to me and what was presented to me as the ideal. But then this dialogue from the pilot episode made so much sense:

  • Eddie: Why aren’t chicks giving me soda? Emery: You want it too much.

Ah truth.

I’m not the one one who really enjoyed the first two episodes as ratings were pretty darn good and most of the reactions I’ve seen have been mainly positive. This Buzzfeed article explains everything. Everything is truth, especially 4 and 8. Even if you aren’t Asian, if you’ve ever felt like you wanted to fit it but you stand out because of cultural differences, I think you’ll enjoy the show. And even if you didn’t, I still think you will.

Asian American families. WE DO EXIST. And now the whole country will know.

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The Incident at the Stoplight

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So hi, how are you doing? I’ve been doing great. I honestly have. Life’s been pretty good for the past two months and I’ve been in a good place, a place I have not been in…hmm gosh, maybe 20 years? So yeah, it’s been good and I’ve been happy with myself. I’ve been feeling at peace, it’s been calm, and I’ve been wonderfully stress and anxiety free.

And then I happened to be driving home from a delightful beer tasting one night when I pulled up at stoplight and saw something I was not expecting to see.

Basically listen (or read the lyrics) to this song (just genderswap all the pronouns) and this is what happened:

It was like a punch in the stomach AND the face all at the same time.

Immediately all that peace and calm and happiness I’d been having recently? All erased. Hello stress and anxiety. Because guess what, you’ve been replaced and forgotten about. What?! Why?????

God, why did you have this happen? I could have been perfectly fine not having this incident happen. Doors have already been closed. It’s not like this was a “let’s sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist” type of situation. This was a “I’m done and I’m not looking back and I’ve accepted and am at peace with it all” type of situation. Things were going well. Why did you bring along this bump in the road?

If I had just stayed a bit longer or left earlier from the tasting, I would have missed this incident completely. Or had I not switched lanes mere seconds before. Or why did I choose to turn my head at that particular moment? There are so many factors that could have been changed so this whole thing could have been avoided and I would have driven away and never known what was near me.

Was this a test? Are you trying to see how I would react? Are you trying to humble me? I was freaking out because I thought I was going to be ok and instead now I’m feeling vulnerable and slightly emotional.

This all went through my head in the span of a minute. This was basically me:

But then I also have to look back and see what else happened that day.

I could have faced this completely alone. This could have been a very bad situation for me where I could have completely regressed. Kind of like a relapse after you’ve been clean for a while. Not that I’m personally comparing myself to a recovering addict but you get my drift.

Instead, directly prior to this happening, I had a really good conversation about related topics with a good friend that made me see that I was not alone in how I felt. There was also the realization that it’s not as easy as other people make it out to be. Part of me wonders if perhaps God was trying to humble me a little.

Timing was a factor because it allowed me to not have to face it alone immediately after and instead was able to be talked through the situation with a friend and this gave me time to calm down. I was able to understand why I was having these feelings and that it was ok for me to and no, there wasn’t something wrong with me at all.

Then instead of having to sit alone and dwell on it all night by myself listening to emo music all night, plans had already been made unexpectedly in advance for that night with yet ANOTHER friend. This allowed me to be able to (mostly) forget the entire incident all night and instead have a good time. What are the odds of that?

While I can question God and ask why did He allow this to happen and what was the purpose of all this, at the same time I can also see Him working in this situation. Basically, it was like He knew this was going to happen but He always wanted to show me that He also cared about me to bless me with people before and afterwards. It was like, He was showing me, You may not have gotten the love you wanted, but look how much I still love you. I also did find myself praying which is probably the reaction I needed to do anyways.

So yeah, I’m doing ok. I’m doing good. To quote Good Charlotte: “Everything’s gonna be alright now. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

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The Two Questions I am Asked ALL THE TIME

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I’ve been around for a little over 30 years. And ever since I started socially interacting with people, I’ve found that on a regular basis I get asked the same two questions ALL THE TIME. They are asked by a myriad of folk, young and old, strangers and casual acquaintances, all sorts of backgrounds. I’ve never really understood how some people consider these questions to be ice breaker topics but whatevs.

1. Where are you from?

2. No, where are you REALLY from?

If you ask me in this way, I’m going to tell you the truth. I am a Virginia girl and have been my entire life.

I was born in Southwest Virginia, I grew up in Southeast Virginia, and I currently live in Northern Virginia.

Technically, I’m a Southern girl.(I say technically because personally I do not feel that Virginia is in the South. Geographically, I’m not sure why Virginia was in the Confederacy because when you look at the map, we’re sticking WAY UP compared to the rest of the states). I say “y’all”. I used to watch NASCAR. I drink way too much sweet tea. I am happiest with Southern comfort food. And it could have been worse. My dad turned down a job in Alabama when we were very young. I could have been the Asian girl with the thick Southern accent who had to make a choice between going to Alabama or Auburn.

People get really disappointed when I say this though. But if you ask me where I’m from, this is where I’m from. I’m proud to be a Virginian. It’s so different in each part of Virginia. Southwest Virginia has mountains and the Hokies. Southeast Virginia has the beach, Pharrell and Rudy from the first season of Survivor. And Northern Virginia is where EVERYTHING’s at. Our state is full of history (part of the reason why I did study history) and there’s so many awesome things about it. Seriously I do love my state.

Oh I see. You want to know my ethnic background. You want to know where my ancestors are from. Because Asian looking people could not have originated in Virginia. (I could argue Pocahontas and the rest of the Native Americans.) Well you see, when you phrase it the way I listed above, you’ve basically telling me I don’t belong here. And that everything I just told you about MY life here in Virginia doesn’t matter to you. When you ask it in this way, you’re not interested in issues that I may have faced as an Asian American in predominately white community or discussing stereotypes that Asian Americans face. That is not why you are asking.

I am open to talking about my ethnicity because believe it or not, I DO realize I’m not white. (Maybe on the inside only) Truthfully though, I just look Asian, I’m really more American because that’s all I know. I am respectful of my background and culture and I do try to learn more, but if you’re trying to get the deep lowdown on Asian culture, I am not the best person to go to unfortunately.

To sum this up, if you want to know, it’s perfectly fine. Just ask politely. Don’t demand it. This goes across the board with asking ANYONE about their background. If you’re curious, it’s ok. We don’t mind talking. Just think before you ask. That is all.

And to answer your next few questions before you ask

    • No, I’m not an expert with chopsticks
    • No, I don’t like anime
    • No, I’m not super good at math
    • No, I don’t know martial arts
    • Yes, I do eat a lot of rice
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What is Deborah Geeking Over This Week Vol. 5

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Gosh it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these but here we go:

icecream

It’s not Superman ice cream but damn it, if I love artificially blue colored ice cream. This is a cotton candy flavored ice cream mixed with other things. Also ice cream is best enjoyed in winter.

beatlesbook

I’ve been wanting this book since 2000. I am now finally the proud owner of it. Seriously, dream come true. My 16 year old self is freaking out right now.

books

This was my library haul the other day. The sad/good part is that I still have 11 books on hold I need to pick up. Holla!

Last year I raved about the garlic tuscan bread from Wegmans. While I still love it, I decided to try out something new. Which led me to randomly choosing their jalepeno cheese bread. Holy crap! While I normally don’t like hot stuff, this was DELICIOUS. There are whole pepper slices in here. And cheese. And it’s bread. NOM NOM NOM.

Lately I’ve found myself expanding my beer tastes even further and I’ve discovered that I really enjoy a good coffee stout. The more coffee taste the better. This is the most recent one that I’ve tried that I enjoy. Look at me, trying out new things.

But going back to old things, Blink 182’s been in the news a lot the past week due to Tom DeLonge may or may not be quitting/being kicked out of the band. I have always had a HUGE crush on him since….I was 15? So let’s think of happier times with an old school pic of my crush.

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Being different has made me more aware

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One of my goals for 2015 is to read more diversely. This is something that has been brought to my attention after reading several articles on Book Riot about this very topic.

Most of the authors that I read were white (white women to be specific) and therefore almost all the books I read had white main characters in them. Growing up the majority of my friends were white and therefore I wanted to be white too. I wanted to have brown or blonde hair, lighter skin, and blue eyes. I even wanted freckles. I also wanted a last name that people could easily pronounce. I used to want to just blend in with everyone instead of being the one that always stuck out. I hated that someone could just reference “the Asian girl” and it almost always meant me. It’s refreshing to know though that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.

The thing is, as awful as all that sounds, it’s made me become so much more aware today than I think most people are.

Sadly I know a lot more prejudice and racism that my white friends will luckily never experience. I’ve been called names, made fun of, and heard so many jokes about features of myself that I can never change. It’s hard also seeing depictions of my race and culture constantly being made fun of in media and entertainment. While I can take and make a cultural joke, it’s also really hard to hear and see truly derogatory insults on a regular basis.

I do feel like I see the world differently than most of my friends. Unless they go out of their comfort zone and do some traveling, it will be very likely they will ever feel like the minority. I don’t know think they know what it’s like to sit down and see you’re the only one in a sea of similar people. And it’s probably hard to understand why I would not want to be myself and be like them instead. You can learn to understand this more if you marry into the culture but at the same time, it’s still really hard to understand what I go through.

I’m not saying all this to play up any race cards or make anyone feel guilty. I’m just trying to explain why I am in favor of learning more about diversity. In those Book Riot posts, it’s talked a lot how most books we read subconsciously are written by white authors and also about white characters. It is what sells. Just like the writers in the post, I too got very excited any time there was a character in a book that looked like me. Claudia Kishi from The Baby-Sitters Club was my favorite character because she was the only Asian girl and therefore I could relate to her. Mulan is my favorite Disney princess because she looked like me. I have always been disappointed that there was only one Asian American Girl historical doll, Ivy, and even then she’s the sidekick friend and not the main doll but even then, it’s exciting because hey, she looks like me! But these are exceptions to the rule and not the norm sadly.

I’d love for more people to become more culturally diverse. I can’t force or make anyone else learn or understand this. But I can do it for myself in books I choose to read. And it’s helping me to see the world a lot differently in a good way.

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Blades of (non) Glory

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skating

When I was growing up and watching the Winter Olympics, I wanted to be a figure skater. When you’re a young girl, that’s the best sport ever. Plus, two of the best US figure skaters at the time were Asian American. So naturally I wanted to be like them. There was one small catch: I’d never been ice skating before.

In fact I didn’t get to go ice skating until senior(?) year in high school. And it actually wasn’t horrible. I mean there was no way I could ever see myself doing a jump and landing on that tiny blade but it was fun to get out on the ice. I remember having a good time with my friends skating around the rink. I did it again in college too and once again remember enjoying myself as I was actually pretty good at moving around the rink at a decent pace.

Fast forward to this past week.

It appears that winter sports and I just don’t seem to mix anymore.

We already know how I don’t ski, though I gave it a shot. Well, this past week I went ice skating due to a friend’s birthday. Even though it’d been about a year and a half since I last went to our local rink, I wasn’t worried about it. After all, I have a 100% record of NOT falling on the ice. I know, it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true!

I was a little nervous because the worst part is always when you get on the ice for the first time. But then, that feeling of being terrified never really went away. The weird part was I found myself unable to really move on the ice.

Believe it or not, I can actually skate. You wouldn’t have guessed it from that night but I used to be able to move pretty darn well, at least being able to hold my own. But yet that night, I found myself lapping the rink exactly six times in 60 minutes. Yep. It took me ten minutes to get around the rink each time.

Michelle Kwan I was not that night.

More like this instead

I think it’s the fear of falling and not being in control. I hate that feeling. It’s also probably the fear of breaking my ankle and it’s a risk I’d rather not take. I just could not get my feet to move faster than a turtle’s pace no matter how much I wanted to.

The strange part is that two years ago, I went ice skating at that exact same rink and I was perfectly fine. To be honest I think part of it was due to not feeling like I had to one up someone anymore. When you already feel like you’re the worst at something among all your friends, instead of trying to do better, I think I just sort of give up. But when I’m with someone who is worse than me (especially if there’s a hidden motive), I feel the urge to out do them and it motivates me to do better.

This is not to say at all that I didn’t have fun. I actually did. Trying to concentrate on not falling was quite the challenge. I think though that unless something drastic happens, my ice skating days are probably numbered. It is ok. I gave it my best shot and I’m ok with it.

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Geeking about The Beatles: Please Please Me

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If you’ve known me for any extended amount of time, then you know that my all time favorite band is The Beatles. One of my blogging goals for 2015 is to have a regular feature and because I’m completely random, I will be featuring a Beatles album monthly. This is exciting because it gives me a chance to relisten to these albums again. I’m not exactly reviewing it (as I am not a music reviewer) but instead enjoying it as a fan.

Please Please Me was the first full studio album released by The Beatles in March 1963 under the Parlophone label with George Martin as the producer. They recorded this album in less than 13 hours on a single day. Can you imagine how insane that is compared to what people do today? There are 6 covers on here and the rest are Lennon/McCartney originals.

  • I Saw Her Standing There (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – Paul
  • Misery (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – John/Paul
  • Anna (Go to Him) (Arthur Alexander) – Lead singer – John
  • Chains (Goffin/King) – Lead singer – George
  • Boys (Dixon/Farrell) – Lead singer – Ringo
  • Ask Me Why (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – John
  • Please Please Me (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – John/Paul
  • Love Me Do (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – John/Paul
  • P.S. I Love You (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – Paul
  • Baby It’s You (David/Williams/Bacharach) – Lead singer – John
  • Do You Want to Know a Secret (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – George
  • A Taste of Honey (Scott/Marlow) – Lead singer – Paul
  • There’s a Place (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead singer – John/Paul
  • Twist and Shout (Medley/Russell) – Lead singer – John

Standout song: Twist and Shout

Personal favorite songs: Twist and Shout, Anna (Go to Him), Baby It’s You, Please Please Me

Least memorable: Boys, Chains

While the Beatles had recorded songs before, this was the first album they recorded together as a group. I know that bands, groups, and singers these days have albums coming out when they are young teens but almost all the time they never write their own songs. A lot of those songs also have four or more writers credited. So for a bunch of guys that are 23 or younger (!!), this is pretty incredible.

Most of the songs are very light about love. There’s nothing too deep lyrically in these songs plus the guitar chords sound quite simple and not as complex as they will become later on. This album sounds very oldies like. I also find it interesting that everyone in the band gets to sing. These days it almost feels like a lot of popular bands really consist of the band backing up the lead singer (who usually doesn’t play an instrument either). Here George gets two and even Ringo joins in on the fun. Unfortunately for them, the selections chosen for them aren’t very outstanding. Two of these songs were originally done by girl groups so it’s a curious selection. Then again so was “Baby It’s You” but I just adore that song in general so maybe it’s in the way it’s sung.

Twist and Shout is the best song on this album. It was also the last song recorded during that 12+ hour session and you can absolutely tell that in John’s voice as it’s basically ripped to shreds.

All in all a decent first album. While, it’s not my favorite and other than “Twist and Shout” there’s nothing really jumping out, it’s a darn good start.

Next month: With the Beatles

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Hope in the Midst of Suffering

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This past week, our church had a tragedy happen to a family in our congregation. I won’t go into detail on it here but this is a Facebook page where if you want to find out more info you can.

When I first saw the news on Facebook, I didn’t really think twice about it. I didn’t recognize any of the names and as our church is fairly large, I just assumed that it was people who I wasn’t connected with. But then as it kept popping up on my feed from numerous folks, I finally clicked on one of the links. It turned out that even though I was not actually acquainted with the family, I did know who they were.

Several years ago at a women’s brunch, the speaker talked about how she had gone through her divorce and despite how difficult it had been and all the pain she went through, she knew that God was with her through it all. Her talk was so inspiring to me. This is because that was exactly the time when I was in the process of ending my marriage and going through my divorce Her speaking was exactly what I needed to hear. Even though we didn’t go through the same situation, just hearing someone talk about that in the church was a blessing. Though I knew that there were many divorced people in the church, no one really talked about it. To hear her testimony in front of all those women was bold, brave, and incredibly inspiring. It showed me that I wasn’t alone and that I would get through it. I knew that the timing of that could only have come from God.

I never told her how much her talk meant to me. Honestly since that day, I sort of forgot about her because of everything that went through in my life. Until last week, when I saw the news of what happened to her family. And then I remembered. What she has gone through is something no one ever wants to.

This past Sunday, our church did something that we normally don’t do. Instead of continuing his series, our pastor led our church in a time of open grieving and prayer. We were allowed to cry and mourn. We were allowed to ask God why he let things like this happen. But we also were reminded that He is in control and that we can still trust in Him even when we don’t understand why. It was honestly one of the best church services I have ever been to in my life. Like someone in my small group said, it made me know that my church is the right one for me.

One of my biggest fears is that going through a hardship alone. This Sunday showed me that it won’t happen. You may not share my faith and that’s ok. I just know for myself I am glad to be able to have a faith where I know I can have the hope and trust that when hard times happen (and they will happen) I WILL be ok.

But this isn’t about me today. I’ve been praying for this family and I hope and know that the Lord will work through this situation in ways we won’t be able to see until later. His goodness will show. His plan will happen. We shouldn’t lose hope because He is our hope.

 “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:3-4)

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I’m a Cereal Girl

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I ran out of milk the other day. I know, boring story who doesn’t run out of milk? It’s weird though, because there are some days when I’ll have to throw out even a half-gallon (hey, it’s just me drinking it) because I didn’t get it all finished in time before the expiration date. THen there are days when it’s gone in less than a week. It took me a while but I finally discovered why.

Milk disappears when I have cereal in the house.

I am one of those types of people who love cereal. It’s true. Sugary cereal. Healthy cereal. Cold cereal. Hot cereal. It’s ALL good.

This is me basically:

Growing up cereal was a treat in our house. We always had at least one box to share between the three of us. However my mom was pretty choosy over what we could get. We could only get “the good stuff” if it was $2 or less. This meant that getting stuff like Froot Loops or Lucky Charms could only happen when they went on sale. This made it all the more challenging and worth it because you never knew what was going to available at the store. Also there were cool toys and things to be had in cereal boxes but really for us, the actual cereal was more exciting.

I still carry on this tradition to this day as an adult. I only get cereal when it’s on sale for $2 or less. My only exception is granola. But it really is amazing how if you just wait, you’ll be able to get all the delicious cereal at some point. And when they do go on sale, I make sure to stock up. Currently I have Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, and Reeses’ Cereal. This is why my milk disappears.

My favorite movie theater, the Alamo Drafthouse, has a cartoon cereal party series they host often where for $5 you can watch 2 hours of cartoon on the big screen PLUS get all the sugary cereal you can eat. And milk. It’s the best deal ever. Last time I had about 5 bowls of Froot Loops, Cocoa Krispies, and Apple Jacks. It’s like your childhood dreams have come true.

Cereal is like candy. But it’s also healthy when you want it to be. I do also enjoy a bowl of (Honey Nut) Cheerios or (Frosted) Shredded Wheat. The clusters in Honey Bunch of Oats are the best. Top them off with fruit and you got yourself a balanced breakfast.

There are some cereals that I miss and wish would make a comeback. Rice Krispies Treat cereal. And Oreo Os. Also I have never been a fan of any of the Captain Crunches. Interestingly also we never bought the bag cereal. I realize it’s basically the same but something about a bag vs box makes me choose a box every time. I have also found that the generic cereal is just as good and can be cheaper but if the price is the same, I’ll choose brand name. I know, weird.

Seriously though cereal is the best. It is a quick and easy meal when you don’t feel like cooking. I realize there are folks out there that don’t like it. And it’s ok. We all can’t be awesome.

Like this restaurant. Which is the dream.