Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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That Time that God Hit Me in the Head

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Today’s blog post is inspired by a writing prompt from SheReadsTruth. Currently they are in the middle of a devotional about “ the life of Christ from His resurrection to His ascension” and how the story doesn’t just end after Easter. Last Friday they asked us this question: 

What holds you back from being available for commissioned moments? When have you experienced a commissioned moment and how did you witness God’s supernatural power at work? 

Photo credit: SheReadsTruth

For the past few years since my marriage ended, I’ve been praying a lot more and my relationship with God has improved a gazillion percent of how it used to be. He’s proven time and time again how if I just trust him then he will be faithful. If I just have faith, he will come through. I have been praying a lot more since then and now, not a day goes by when I don’t have at least one small conversation with God.

Since becoming more aware of this, I’ve been asking God to use me more. I know that even when I moments of self-doubt and uncertainty, God sees me someone worth sending his son to die for. Therefore I AM worthy and I am so grateful that he did that. And I want him to use me and use my story to help others if I can. But because of those moments of being afraid and being worried about what other people will think, I usually don’t want to follow through on that nudge or instinct.

Except there was this one time where I couldn’t ignore it.

I’ve mentioned this briefly before on my blog but it’s still one of my favorite stories to tell so I’ll tell it again. I’m not going to go completely into detail here out of respect for the privacy of others but if you know me in person, I’ll tell you the entire thing again.

Right about the time when my marriage started ending, God brought other people in my life that I needed but didn’t realize at the time. I had hidden what was really going on for the past year to the point that no one outside of family realized that anything was really wrong. But God put certain people in my life to help me open up and see that I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to go through all this alone. One of these people seemed rather unremarkable when we first met but then we soon realized that we had way more in common and were basically like kindred spirits.

It was through this friendship that God put all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that neither of us realized. One day on a way to a friend’s softball game, we were talking in the car about random stuff and somehow the conversation got changed to talking about another friend who had gone through hardships and how you never realized it because they hid it on the outside. And how that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

That’s when it happened. See we hadn’t really talked about why my marriage was ending at this point. I hadn’t brought it up at all because I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was a very messy situation that brought a lot of pain and I just wanted to not bring it up and make everyone else feel uncomfortable as well. But as I was driving, it was at that moment where I heard God tell me “Tell your story.” And I sat there (while my friend was still talking because believe me they can go on forever and not realize I was having weird expressions on my face) and argued back with God, “No! I don’t want to about it.” God responded again with “Tell your story.” And I argued back, “Why? I barely know this person. We’ve been friends for two weeks. Some of my friends who have known me for years still have no idea.” God replied back, this time as I felt a physical slight push on the back of my head, “Trust me.” My response again, “God I don’t know.” Then God literally poked me in the head to the point where I felt my head move forward and my friend noticed.

And so, I told my story. It was the first time I had told anyone the entire story. And I used words and phrases to describe what happened for the first time. At the time, I had no idea why I was even using those words. And I didn’t know why at all I was telling my story. I ended up talking so much that I missed our turn to the softball field. When I was done, the response was like “Oh, um thanks for sharing that.” And I mentally said to God “Why did I do that?” and he responded “Wait. Trust me.” I felt slightly awkward but I knew I had no other choice but to do so. (And thus began how I became “The Girl Who Waited” while “Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible“.

Though it felt like forever, two weeks later, my friend finally told me their story. And as I sat there listening, I understood now why God had me tell my story. Because they needed to hear it from me first. They needed to know as well that they were not alone. That someone else had gone through what they did and could tell the next steps of what to do. And God knew all this. He had planned this entire moment to happen the way it did for this reason. And if I had ignored him and didn’t obey, I don’t know what would have happened. Perhaps somebody else could have done the same thing. But the thing is, God chose me. He wanted ME to do this. He planned that moment to happen exactly when it did because it was the best for BOTH of us. And since that conversation, I have seen so many good things come out of it. I’ve seen so many people positively affected by this one tiny act. It’s been really awesome.

A lot of people could write off the whole thing as a coincidence but I don’t. There’s a bunch of things that make this whole thing not a coincidence. Timing, situations, people having to meet people. There are so many small details that had to have taken place in order for us to meet that it’s one of those “God things” where only he could have made this work.

It’s because of this that God’s placed it on my heart to pray for my friend daily. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even when I get angry with them. Even when I’ve been hurt by them. God’s shown me the power of prayer through this and what happens when I don’t believe that it actually works. And I don’t know how long I’ll keep praying specifically for them. I don’t know if I will ever see the fruits of my prayer or I’m just supposed to plant the seed. I just know that I am obeying God because he wants me to do this.

I have seen God work so much in this. He’s told me to trust him. He’s answered a lot of prayers. Even when it gets rough, because of everything that has taken place, I have faith in him for what is yet to come. I’ve seen how God has used me and my story and how from the utterly awful mess, He’s created something beautiful out of it. And when I tell people about all this, I know it’s because God wanted me to.

So keep using me and my story, Lord.

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‘Ramp’ing things up (Or my first food foraging experience)

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I was browsing online the other day like I always do and I came across an article about a list of foods that hipsters love.

I found it hilarious that one of the foods on the list was ramps.

Now I personally had never heard of ramps until exactly two years ago today, one of my best friends took me ramp digging (gathering, foraging?) out in West Virginia. Before the trip, I was like “What the heck is a ramp?” To me a ramp is an inclined surface, not something that one can eat.

The definition of a ramp from Wikipedia: Allium tricoccum – known as the ramp, spring onion, ramson, wild leek, wood leek, and wild garlic – is an early spring vegetable, a perennial wild onion with a strong garlic-like odor (ME: strong is an understatement) and a pronounced onion flavor. 

Our adventure had us go into the woods of West Virginia (don’t ask me where we went, there were lots of windy curves and we were in the mountains somewhere. I alternated between falling asleep and trying not to throw up. I would make a horrible witness.) to find this specialty vegetable. Since I had no idea what I was looking for, I let everyone else do the hunting while I got to hold the the bags we brought to collect the stuff. “So this is what it was like in the 1800s when one had to look for food,” might have been the thought that was running through my head during this whole expedition.

Eventually I figured out what I was supposed to be looking for (after numerous occasions of only pulling up weeds) though I became an expert at shaking off dirt from ramps that were collected by everyone else. I even got to eat a ramp raw, fresh out of the ground (with the dirt washed away of course). Erhm, that wasn’t an experience I’d like to experience again. As I stated in the definition above, the flavor is very STRONG. My face while tasting it generated a lot of chuckles.

The foraging part was quite fun. It was really nice being out of the woods and getting away from the noise of living in the city. It was really quiet and the air felt fresh. Granted, I was a bit nervous that a bear might come rambling out of the woods at any moment but my companions had protection and were well versed in all sorts of survival training. I may or may not have pretended I was in Survivor or Little House on the Prairie at certain times as we climbed over fallen logs, walked through streams, and got smacked in the face with tree branches. Also for the record, seeing a guy forage for food is pretty hot.

When it was all said and done, we got BAGS of these things.

ramps

Bath Time!

ramps2

Before you ask, those hairy arms do not belong to me.

ramps3

Ramps reading for cooking!

ramps4

These things can be used in a variety of dishes. I found that I liked them best fried with potatoes. Once cooked you can’t taste the strong taste anymore and it pretty much is like an onion at that point. It was quite tasty that way. So basically, I got a bag of ramps for free. Which is an awesome deal because apparently this is how much a jar costs:

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Basically I did something that apparently many hipsters and foodies in big cities would pay $$$ to have that same experience. And the best part is I did it all without having any idea how “cool” it was. WHO’S THE HIPSTER NOW?

For more information about ramps from people who are more experienced than I am, check out:

http://foodriot.com/2014/04/23/gather-ye-ramps-ye-may

Feast of Foliage – Ramps / Wild Leeks

 

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All the blog stuff you can handle today

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So two milestones today: First this is my 100th post since I started this blog almost 7 months ago. Woo! Other than a break during the Christmas holidays, I’ve posted 3 times a week, every week since then. This is pretty awesome simply because I’m amazed that I’ve been dedicated enough to keep posting even when I can’t think of what to post. And that I’ve somehow managed to come up with 3 different types of topics each week. Woot.

And second: If you follow me on Twitter or on Facebook, I know you’ve seen me keep talking about this and you’re probably sick of it and want to be like “You already told us! Go away!” But for the rest of you, as I mentioned previously, I am a contributor to the newest blog on Entertainment Weekly‘s website, The Community. And this was the first week that my post was up!

To recap (heh), I’m currently recapping the show Metal Hurlant Chronicles on the SyFy channel. The show airs on Monday nights at 10pm.

So I’m slightly at a disadvantage than most people when it comes to watching and reviewing TV shows because well…this is my TV:

smalltv

Yep. That’s right. I have the tiniest TV ever. And obviously it’s not HDTV. And I don’t have a DVR either. (Heck at this point, I don’t even have a DVD player that works.) So if I want to watch a show, I HAVE to watch it live and I can’t pause, rewind, or fast forward. So this makes things challenging. Luckily for me the show comes on at both 10pm and midnight so if I didn’t catch something the first time around, I can wait an hour and rewatch. Now if I miss it the second time, then I’m just screwed.

Since I didn’t know exactly how I’d be writing this or what was expected of me, I ended up staying up all night trying to write my recap. I haven’t done an all nighter with this much pressure on me since grad school. I ended up going to bed at 6:30 am. The next day was very rough. I think I’m getting too old for this type of thing.

Anywho this is very exciting to see this!

ew

You can click here to read my entire post! Don’t worry if you haven’t watched it or it makes no sense to you. That’s how I felt the first time I watched the episode as well.

For the next four weeks, I’ll be recapping two episodes a week. As I said, the show airs on Monday night so my recaps will be up sometime Tuesday morning. Since I’m pretty OCD with my posting schedule on THIS blog, I probably won’t keep posting when I do have new posts up, so be sure to follow me on Twitter or on my Facebook page (links are in the sidebar to your right) to find out exactly when they do go up.

So yeah, allow me one last geek out about this and woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Athazagoraphobia (say that 5 times fast)

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I went to go see the movie Divergent with a friend the other day. I read the book when it first came out so I thought it was an alright adaptation. I felt things transferred well from book to screen. (Aside: Dauntless has the best outfits. Black is always very chic.) The scenes that stuck out the most was when Tris is tested with her worst fears and has to figure out how she will face them as well as also discovering what Four’s fears were. And it made me think about what I would be facing if I were to go through that test. (or God forbid a boggart)

I know I would probably see a bunch of Ronald McDonalds as well as dying by being crushed by a steamroller (thank you Who Framed Roger Rabbit for this fear). Perhaps being in complete darkness or rats with really long tails would show up too. But I know definitely what would be in that test would be the fear of being forgotten.

I don’t mean after I die if people forget about me. Hopefully I have a good legacy and I’ve made some impact on this world that I’m not completely wiped out from memory the moment I depart from this earth. No, that doesn’t bother me because I know where I’ll be after I die and what happens on earth after that will not be of concern to me.

No, what I’m afraid of is something happens to me RIGHT NOW and I died, and no one knew. For years. This is what happens when you’re single and read news reports of people dying and no one knowing they were missing.

Out of sight, out of mind.

When I read about how people accidentally die IN THEIR HOME and they aren’t found for months, even years that really scares me. Did not a single person think to go check up on them? Did these people not have friends? Did they not have family nearby? Did they have so little impact on this world that not a single person cared to see what happened to them?

I know I have this fear because I’m single. I don’t have anyone constantly keeping track of where I am. I could go on a drive and disappear and no one would know. I’ve been tempted to just stop posting on Facebook, Twitter, all the rest of my social media, not answer my phone,  and just disappear to see if anyone would notice. Part of me is terrified to do this because I’m afraid that no one would. The funny part is that I have had friends who have done this. They purposely wanted to disappear and when I did try to contact them, they actually got annoyed that I did because they wanted to be left alone. You just can’t win can you?

However, I realize that this is a completely selfish fear. I know this. And I know this because I think about this song.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone

I don’t have to choose to isolate myself. As an extrovert, that would actually kill me faster to force myself to be alone all the time. Spiritually, I know I’m not alone. And physically, I can choose to not be a hermit. I mean, hopefully people would discover me after 5 days?

In the meantime, that’s also a good reminder for me to check in with other people. Just to see how they’re doing. Even if people are complete introverts and have horrible social anxiety, I would like to believe that one still wants to know that at least there is someone out there who cares to see how you’re doing. I just need to not fear.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

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If I were to give advice to my past self….

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One of my favorite plot devices in the Harry Potter series was the use of Hermione’s time turner. Why? Because there are times when I wish I could go back in time and change how I did things. Obviously since I know the future, in hindsight everything is 20/20. Where I am now in life is because of the choices I made, and I’m here where I am for a reason. What I wish I could do was to have an alternate timeline just to see how things would turn out if I did things differently. I’d still end up where I am now, but just to have a look as to “what if I had turned left instead of right”.

So here’s what some of the advice I’d give to my past self, knowing now what I do:

To my 5 year old self: Kindergarten is going to be ok. It’s ok for you to tell your teacher some boy kicked you in the head. It is NOT tattle telling no matter what anyone tells you. Also even though the pizza served in school looks nothing like pizza on TV, it is ok to eat it. Don’t have kids make fun of you for reading. YOU ARE AWESOME.

To my 9 year old self: Don’t give that boy you like a valentine. It’s not going to get you anywhere. Also you’re going to hit a major growth spurt soon. Enjoy being taller than the boys in your class for a few years.

To my 12 year old self: Middle school sucks. Don’t let the kids teasing about your hair,clothes, your name, or even for just being Asian get to you. People are mean and you don’t need/want them for friends. For reals. Also the Beatles are an awesome band. Just saying.

To my 13 year old self: Don’t date that boy who asked you out. Just…trust me on this one.

To my 14 year old self: You probably don’t want to send that letter to that senior from the Scholastic Bowl team from that other high school. While you may end up having a friendship for the next couple of years, is it really worth it? No.

To my 15 year old self: Even though your guidance counselors are telling you otherwise, if you really want to do engineering in college you need to start preparing NOW. Take all the engineering prep classes you can, take computer science, plan on studying hard core EVERY NIGHT. Those kids from NOVA are already ahead of you.

To my 17 year old self: If at this point you don’t know whether you want to go to school for engineering, I highly recommend history. Also this is the last year you will really be close to your high school friends. Enjoy it because it’s not going to last forever. Prom is overrated. BUT if you want to talk to that guy that works part time at Sears, do it sooner rather than later.

To my 18 year old self: STAY AWAY FROM THE BOYS. THEY ARE A DISTRACTION. Seriously. Trust me on this. Go to more football games. Get to know lots of people. Enjoy college life but STUDY STUDY STUDY.  Also if you’re going to drink your first beer, don’t make it a Natty Light. Turn off the AIM. TURN IT OFF.

To my 20 year old self: Since you didn’t listen the first time, STAY AWAY FROM THOSE SAME BOYS. THEY ARE A DISTRACTION. Seriously. Trust me on this. Also, is there any way you can invest in a small company called Facebook?

To my 24 year old self: If you start seeing red flags, even if you love the person, don’t ignore those red flags.

To my 26 year old self: You are going to get through this, I promise you. It seems like you want to die at this moment, but you are so much stronger than you think you are right now. And life seems like it’s going to hell but it’s going to be better. I promise you. You’re awesome. Even though you think you’re alone now, you’re going to find some of the best friends you’ll ever have soon. Also, I know you like geek stuff. It’s been kind of dormant for a while but it’s totally cool to go see Iron Man or Thor. You WILL like it. TRUST ME.

To my 28 year old self: I know you keep dismissing this show, but you really should go back and watch How I Met Your Mother. There are situations in that show that will help you so much this year. Also watch your heart and emotions. Don’t fall too hard too fast.

To my 29 year old self: Stop drinking Diet Mountain Dew after 7pm. WILL YOU NEVER LEARN? Also watch out for deer.

To my future self: I seem to keep doing things the hard way in order to learn how to do them the right way. Maybe one day things will change. You’re still awesome though.

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Celeb Fangirling: NASCAR Edition

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When you first meet me, there are probably many assumptions you will make about me and some will be dead on right and others so wrong that you will feel embarrassed that you assumed. However there is one assumption that almost no one ever makes about me because you would just never think that about me. (I also realize that by telling you this, I can’t use this when playing “2 Facts and a Lie” anymore.)

I like NASCAR.

I know. I know.  I don’t fit the demographics of your typical NASCAR fan.  AT ALL. But I do. While I’m not the HUGE fan I used to be years ago, it’s still entertaining for me to watch every now and then. I check up with the race stats and news, see what drivers are in the running for the Chase, find out who has switched teams and gotten new endorsements. Sponsorships have always been interesting because sport has so much product placement, more so than any other sport I believe.

I’ve never actually been to a race and I doubt that I will get a chance to in my lifetime (and I kind of doubt I would fit in if I actually got the chance). However I have been to the Bristol Motor Speedway and I did get to drive on the track. Granted it was during the Christmas lights show and we were going like 10mph but it was an awesome opportunity. And the banking on those tracks is REALLY steep. It’s basically like visiting a Roman coliseum.

I also did enjoy Talledega Nights and Cars for being NASCAR themed movies and because I got a lot of the in jokes.

Though I’m going to have to admit this. My reasons for why I started liking NASCAR are rather dubious. Fine, let’s just admit it. Back in 2002, I started watching NASCAR because I thought Dale Earnhardt Jr. was hot. It was summer and I had a broken ankle and couldn’t move around easily. And I remember one Sunday when I couldn’t go to church and I was stuck lying on the couch. I turned on the TV and since we didn’t have cable, I had limited options and there was a NASCAR race on. I started watching. Then they showed clips of the drivers. And I’m like. Oh hey that guy is cute. And thus, it began.

I basically became a Dale Jr. groupie for the better half of two years. I watched every race. I did my research on him. I bought and read his book. It was an awesome time. I really got to understand racing and became involved in that whole culture. Much like folks do fantasy football, I did fantasy driving leagues. I had to know about ALL the driver to see which one would be best each week and how they would do for the whole season. I learned about trades and what went on during off season.

I was such a big fan that I won passes to meet him when he came to Norfolk in 2002 for arena car racing. I was so excited. I had my calendar all ready for him to sign. And I knew what I was going to say to him. I was in college at the time so I was going to say something like “Oh, you should come to Virginia Tech and party with us sometime.” Because you know he totally would have. (*sarcasm*) Instead in typical awkward Deborah fashion, what came out was “You’re hotter in person than you are on TV!” His response “Um….thanks.” And then this picture was taken.

dale jr

Can you feel the awkwardness? Because I still can. How many Asian fans does he really have? He probably remembered that for awhile. I ruined my chances!

As I’ve gotten older, I realized realistically, Dale Jr. and I probably would not have matched well. He’s a lot older than I am and he’s….more Southern than I normally like. He still sounds like a great guy to hang around. And actually I’m looking back at pictures of him from 2002-2004 and he looks a lot better NOW than he did back then. Then again my tastes have changed a lot since then.

But my affiliations have since moved on to his teammate. Kasey Kahne. I mean….come on.

And

And

Because it’s not just me who feels this way:

Though just like with Josh Groban, what is it with all the older woman?

And he’s also a good driver as well. The first year he raced in the Sprint Cup he got Rookie of the Year, he finished 4th in 2012, and he’s had 16 wins and 127 top ten finishes in races. He’s very good at what he does. And it doesn’t hurt he’s easy on the eyes too.

The fun part is that now with social media, I can follow both these guys on Twitter to see what they’re up to. While I haven’t gotten a response back from either of them yet, (Dale Jr might still remember me and thus avoiding) it’s still cool to be able to connect in ways one couldn’t beforehand.

All this to say that I do enjoy watching races. NASCAR does have a stereotype to it, but if you take the time it’s actually pretty fun to watch. You can make all the jokes you want. I am secure in my liking of this.

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Living on a Prayer

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This past Sunday at church, my pastor finished up his series on prayer. The takeaway from the message was “Why does all hell break loose when we try to enter into prayer? Because prayer is war, and the lack of prayer is nothing less than a declaration of independence from God.”

And it’s so true. When one prays, you get distracted a lot. Random stuff pops up in your head and you get distracted. You feel it can get boring. You get tired. You never seem to find the time to do it. Sometimes you just don’t want to do it at all. But prayer is how we connect with God.

There have been times in my life when I’ve felt God telling me that I need to pray with him. Not AT him. But with him. Because he wants to share that time with me. And usually he’ll make it so I’m basically forced to do it and there’s no way to get out of it. I’ve mentioned this before but my best prayer times usually happen when I’m driving in rush hour traffic. When you’re sitting there not moving, there are no distractions to keep you from talking to God.

Two years ago today, I started a prayer journal that I kept for a week based around a specific prayer. Now I’d been journaling on and off for a while but never had I kept a journal specifically for prayer. That week however I was going through a very emotional time that was causing me to question a lot of things. And there was much fear and confusion. I felt like God was pushing at me to come closer to him instead of withdrawing because of the uncertainty.

And then one morning on my commute to work, I prayed and I just talked to God and let it all out. People next to me probably thought I was crazy because it looked like I was talking to myself. I didn’t care. This is what I recorded later.

4/16 – Day 1 – Surrender

I’m really not sure why I am doing this but this idea came to me while praying so I have a feeling that God wants me to write down my thoughts, fears, hopes, etc.  during this week.  I have never really kept a prayer journal so I don’t know if I am doing the right thing but if God wants me to have a record of this then I am sure that I will end up saying the right things.

Right now I’m listening to “Your Love Never Fails”…which is one of my go to songs when I am feeling down but it’s a REALLY good song about trusting in God and knowing he never leaves you.  “You make all things work together for my good” is the lyric that is now standing out to me the most.  In that God is working everything together behind the scenes even though I have no idea what is going on.

And right now I have a lot of fears regarding this upcoming week.  I have no idea what is going to happen.  I cannot see how anything good can come out of this week.

I am surrendering everything regarding this situation over to you God. I am scared, terrified, afraid, worried but you know what? I trust you in all this.  You know exactly what is going on, what will happen.  You know my fears.  You know everything that is going on in our hearts and minds right now as I type this.  I cannot control anything.  I have to turn it all over to you.

But as I was saying, I really think that God wants me to do this.  It doesn’t seem possible, and I am severely doubting this, but I feel that God is telling me that if I can trust in him this week and give myself over to him then the outcome will be good.  I don’t know exactly what that means but that’s how I feel.  And yet at the same time, I am like, there is NO WAY anything good can come out of this week!  so it’s this mass of conflictedness where I am trusting God completely with unknown results.  and i am TERRIFIED!!!!!!  but you know what? God is good. He has yet to fail me and i do not believe he is going to start now (or ever).  so i am praying to surrender.  give up this fear, doubt, uncertainty and turn it over completely to God.

my goal for this journal is to write about my prayers for the next 7 days.  i need to be consistent in doing this.  they don’t have to be long entries but do need to be honest and written from the heart. therefore when I look back on this in the future, no matter what the outcome is, i want to see how my faith grew.  it’s almost like a challenge that I am taking God up on.  i honestly believe that in one week, when i read this again things will be different. and for the better.  This is the most I have ever done in my spiritual walk with God.  And as scared and terrified as i am, I am also excited for the outcome.

 

Then over the course of the next few days, God and I had a lot of praying time over issues such as trust, blessings, clarity/wisdom, self worth, and fears. By spending each morning praying with him and having no distractions, I felt God really speaking to me and working in my life. I discovered scripture that I had never really noticed before that suddenly had an impact in my life. As a music lover, I found songs that matched the topic of each day perfectly. I thought I was going to spend the week praying for someone else. Instead I spent the entire week learning more about myself and my own relationship with God.

4/22 – Day 7 – Acceptance

Well here we are.  The evening of the last day of this challenge.  Wow it’s been quite the week.  Seriously it’s been very interesting.  It’s been totally a week where I have put God first and not anything else.  It’s been crazy how different my entries have been since when I first started.  Looking back, that first entry is filled with terror. I totally remember how I was feeling that day and before.  I was scared to death.  And now…I have to accept whatever comes my way.

Oh Lord, please help me right now.  I need to trust in you.  i can’t do this without you.  I want to do this but I have to have faith in you.  That you will guide me in the right direction and you know what is best for me.  Even though I can’t see it now or in the future, you do.  You are the everlasting God.  You love me more than anything.  Help me learn to trust in you completely.  Help me learn to put what is important first.

I think it is time for me to go to bed.  Whatever tomorrow brings, it is your will Lord.  And I will accept it.  Thank you for everything.

Two years later, I’m rereading over those entries and I see how God answered those prayers. And how that very night after I went to bed slightly scared and worried but still trusting in him, when I woke up the next morning God answered one of my prayers as if he was saying “See, you have nothing to be afraid of.” Ever since then, prayer isn’t difficult for me anymore. And while there will be always ups and downs, I will always have this physical record for me to look back and remember how God answered my prayers.

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Knowledge is Power

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Growing up, I didn’t know what some words or phrases meant because my parents didn’t grow up in American culture.  I didn’t know what a lot of swear words were and therefore I would sometimes be tricked into saying words at school that apparently meant something VERY BAD. I also didn’t know certain hand signals meant bad things too. Example: I got into trouble for sticking up my middle finger. I was tricked into doing it and then the kid tattled to the teacher. The teacher didn’t believe that I had no idea what it meant to do that and put me in time out. To this day that annoys me that happened.

I also don’t like not knowing things when people are talking. I don’t like looking dumb so if I don’t know what something means and I don’t HAVE to know it in order for the conversation to continue, I make a mental note to look it up later. I don’t know if I’ve just experienced rotten luck with this but a lot of times I feel like when I ask to explain something, the other person gets frustrated and annoyed that I don’t already know. I did have several teachers do this to me growing up and this may have created some underlying fear to this day. So to prevent that, I try to make sure I know either know things in advance or I don’t let my ignorance show. I don’t want to be a bother by asking questions. I want to learn but I don’t want to feel like I’m annoying you because I don’t know it already.

I really do like learning things. This is why I read A LOT. If I start becoming interested in something, I usually spend the first few weeks trying to cream in as much knowledge as I can. When I want to get to know a person and I find that they like something that I don’t necessarily know much about, I’ll learn about it so I can keep up the conversation. This is how I rack up so much useless trivia in my head and can crush you at Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit (and the occasional geek trivia night). I don’t necessarily TELL people I know things though. I’m not the type of person that acts like a know it all.

But I think the main reason I did this was to make up for all those incidents when I was a kid and got made fun of for not knowing things. And I wanted to fit in.

Though now lately I feel the opposite. I feel weird sometimes now that I DO know things that my friends don’t seem to know.

Example: My friends and I are a big fans of the game Cards Against Humanity. I also happen to know about 95% of what the phrases and terms used in the game mean. I’m not entirely happy that I know so much but going to public schools for my entire schooling career plus a healthy dose of lots of entertainment and having a wide circle of friends will do that to you. Nothing really shocks me in the game even when I do learn what 5% of those words mean because I have seen and heard worse in real life. I have a quite a number of friends who don’t know what a lot of the terms mean and it can be quite amusing explaining to them what they are. And yet, sometimes I wonder about myself, is it better to have been sheltered and not know these things? Is it better to be ignorant in some cases? Should I feel bad for knowing these things?

Also I realize that opposites attract and you don’t want someone who’s super similar to you because that would probably get boring all the time. But I tend to notice that the interests I have tend not to be desirable interests in the type of guys I want to date. They seem to go after women who don’t have these interests and therefore they have to explain everything to them. I realize guys DO like feeling knowledgeable of things and it can be a big ego booster for them to share that knowledge. It just makes me feel inadequate because I already know these things and feel like that’s a disadvantage for me. I don’t know necessarily if I would want to date a guy where I had to explain all these things to him and not be able to have a conversation on equal footing. This could all change one day and I’ll eat my words. But it’s frustrating because that’s one of those situations where I wish I didn’t know what I’d know.

It doesn’t really matter either way. I obviously don’t know EVERYTHING. And there are still times when I feel dumb compared to some of my friends because they know things that I don’t. And then I feel bad for knowing things that other people don’t because I wonder if it’s a waste to know these things.

It all comes down to just accepting myself. I am a person that has many interests that are not going to be the same as everyone else and who has had life experiences that aren’t the same as most people. It’s ok to know things and it’s ok to not know.

Because after all:

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Eat. Read. Enjoy.

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I love to cook. I enjoy feeding others. While I’m not a total foodie, I do enjoy trying out new foods. Confession: when I’m eating at home, I like to watch the Food Network or food shows on the Travel Channel because it makes my food taste better. And sometimes there can nothing quite as pleasant or satisfying as enjoying a novel that has tons of food in it.

Why are books about fiction satisfying? Because I get to learn about new foods. I get to read about how food is prepared and enjoyed. It’s just enjoyable reading about cooking and eating in a novel format vs reading a cookbook (which while sometimes can be satisfying as well provided there is narrative in it). The story doesn’t HAVE to be 100% about food. But it can talk about the food in the characters’ lives and how they revolve around it. The key to a good foodie fiction is an excellent story with the added benefits of the love of food thrown in.

You can totally tell when an author is just putting food in the story just because they have to and when they really enjoy it themselves. Characters don’t eat just because it’s a necessity, they enjoy and savor their food.

Here are some recommendations of foodie fiction (all with glorious recipes so you can enjoy what you have just read) that I have enjoyed over the past year:

A Table by the Window by Hillary Manton Lodge (2014, Waterbrook Press)

My blurb: Online dating adventures plus Italian/French food plus family secrets with a surprise dash of Doctor Who references = I WANT TO EAT THIS BOOK

The Loveliest Chocolate Shop in Paris by Jenny Colgan (2014, Sourcebooks Landmark)

My blurb: Paris. Chocolate. Storylines that alternate between here and now? More helpings please?

Out to Lunch by Stacey Balls (2013, Berkley Trade)

My blurb: Friendship, food, and geeks. What more could I want in a book? (PS HAWKEYE GETS A SHOUT OUT. SO MUCH WIN)

Stones for Bread by Christa Parrish (2013, Thomas Nelson)

My blurb: Thanks to this book, I have totally learned to appreciate what good bread is. Plus learning about reality cooking shows.

The Girls’ Guide to Love and Supper Clubs by Dana Bate (2013, Hyperion)

My blurb: If you don’t know what a supper club is before reading this book, when you finish you will have already joined one.

What are some of your favorite fictional books about food?

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Want. Ask. Receive?

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This past week I was watching my favorite miniseries of all time, Jesus of Nazareth. Even though I own it on DVD, I was super excited to find out that it was on Netflix. But then I got really irritated because for unknown reasons, they chose a version that is edited a lot, like over an hour of stuff missing. Luckily, I happened to find another (legal) version online. If you haven’t seen it, it’s magnificent. There are so many classic movie stars that have guest roles and the actor that plays Jesus is spectacular. The movie keeps very close to Scripture, though there are some changes and they do leave things out, but I don’t find this a problem at all. And fun fact, the Monty Python movie Life of Brian used the same sets when they filmed their movie.

Anyways while I was watching, one of the scenes seemed to jump out at me. It involved Jesus speaking to the crowds basically telling them this passage:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11)

So that got me thinking. The Lord gives us what we ask for, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to get everything that we want. I’ve reached the age where I now have several friends who are parents and I’m watching them handle their children. Even when their child is yelling and begging for something, the parents don’t necessarily give it to them because they know what’s best for their child. Sure it might make the kid hate the parent for a little bit and be very angry at them, but that doesn’t mean that they have to have it at the moment. There are many reasons why they weren’t given what they wanted: it wasn’t time yet for it, it wasn’t meant for them to have, it’s not safe, they weren’t meant to have it at all. The parent, because they are wiser, is making choices that is best for their child even though the child doesn’t realize it at the moment.

And that’s what happens in the rest of our lives. We can pray and beg God to have something happen because we really want it to. And we’re convinced that it’s best for us and surely God can see how getting this will be absolutely beneficial to everyone. When we don’t get it, we get angry at God because he didn’t allow it to happen.

There’s been many times in my life when I just get flat out frustrated with God because I don’t understand why things aren’t going the way I want. I have many questions that I ask him. “What will happen? Why am I going through this? What do I do? What do you want me to do?” And I can’t understand why he’s making me go through certain things. But as the Scripture says, if a parent who is imperfect knows what is best for their child, shouldn’t I trust that my Heavenly Father who IS perfect knows what’s best for me? If I’m going to place my faith and trust in him, then I should understand and realize that my wants and desires may not always be what God knows that I need.

The hard part can be when it’s not clear at the moment why I can’t have that desire but eventually “peace comes not from knowing what lies ahead, but knowing that God is the same before, during and after whatever it is.” (http://www.boundless.org/faith/2009/god-told-me)

And who says movies are only good for mindless entertainment and don’t get you to ponder things?