Monthly Archives: June 2014

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What is Deborah Geeking Over This Week Vol. 3

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And here’s this week’s edition of what was awesome this week for me:

I went out to lunch after church and was told that white pizza was boring. This coming from a guy who had gotten two pieces of pepperoni pizza. Really?

I cannot put this book down. I also don’t want it to end. It reminds me of The Joy Luck Club a bit. Right now, it’s one of my favorite books of the year.

Thanks to coupons and rewards points, I got this eyeliner for 21 cents at Ulta this week. Woot.

This is a mead and it has a 19% ABV. DRINK IT SLOWLY. Also very sweet.

This song has been on repeat all week. Basically the lyrics are what I feel like any guy I’ve ever liked in my life is trying to say to me.

xmen-days-of-future-past-michael-fassbender

Best scene in the new X-Men movie. Young Magneto over Wolverine any day.

Because a real life Lizzie and Darcy are getting married tomorrow. And it will be glorious.

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You Can’t Handle the Truth

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Sometimes when you want someone to be honest with you, it can hurt.

There’s an episode of Friends called “The One With the List”. In it Rachel finds a pros/cons list that Ross made to determine if he should break up with his current girlfriend for her. As expected, when she reads it, it really hurts her.

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

I once had a talk with a very close friend and during the conversation, I asked them to brutally honest with me. It was one of those moments where it was now or never that things of this nature were going to get shared.

I’m not going to share what was said, mainly because a lot of the things said are still quite painful and also I realize that it was only one specific viewpoint. But at the same time, it hurt. It made me feel like everything I have ever worried about myself for years WERE in fact true. Also that things that I had finally come to love about myself were still negative factors about me.

The worst part was that it had come from someone I trusted. Yes, I had asked them to tell me these things. Really, I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose I’d rather hear it from someone I trusted vs. some random person who didn’t know me at all. But I think it’s because I am close to them that it hurt even more. That because they knew my insecurities and my fears, the way it came out just made me feel like I was a failure. Were these things all true? Possibly. But at the same time, maybe I just wasn’t ready to handle it.

The next few days involved a lot of internal and external processing. It was very tempting to continue feeling like I was unworthy. It was a very highly emotional time. But because I wanted to prove to the other person and mainly to myself that I wasn’t going to stay this way, I found myself fighting it. First though, I allowed myself to hurt. Because to ignore the hurt would not be healthy. To just push it away would only make it come back much worse in the future. I let myself cry and be angry.

Then I stopped. And I allowed myself to move on. Why? Because even though this was a trusted confidant for me, they aren’t me. The only person who has final say over what happens in my life is me. And if I’m honestly happy with myself right now, then no one should take that away from me. Just because I’m not what someone wants or I’m not doing something you would do, doesn’t mean I have to change myself. Unless I want to.

One more thing. I am done having important and in-depth conversations late at night. Because this right here is so very true (but not in the way it happens on the show, lest you start thinking that) :

Addendum: Also lest you think this person was a horrible person, they are not. I still consider them to be one of my closest friends and I love them dearly. It was just one of those moments that you learn from. 🙂

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When Darcy finally met his Lizzie

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This week is going to be super exciting. Two of my best friends are getting married this weekend! And I couldn’t be happier for them. I’m really happy because I’m close friends with BOTH the bride and groom. I love this couple and am really glad they’ve included me in their day.

We have a running joke that their love story is basically Pride and Prejudice and well…this was them.

I’m also excited because this is the first time that I’ll be a bridesmaid in a wedding. I know, I know. There are several of you out there who have been in more weddings that you care to be in and you have all the expensive dresses to prove it. Not counting my own (which well, we won’t really talk about), the only other wedding I’ve been in was when I was 14 and my Sunday School teacher got married and along with the rest of the girls in our class, I was a junior bridesmaid. This meant that I helped out with food and got to decorate the car (butter + flour = one heck of a mess). This time, I’ve been there for lots of planning, bridal showers and bacherlorette parties, dress fittings, jewelry shopping, etc. I even checked out books from the library about how to be a good bridesmaid.

You know how everyone says that no one pays attention to anyone but the bride at weddings? Well maybe that’s true for everyone else but for some reason I’ve always noticed the bridesmaids. I’m always jealous of the wedding party. Everyone seems like they all know each other and it’s one big in-crowd. And not that it matters because no one will really be looking at me, I’m really excited about how I’m planning on doing my hair. Thank you to my friend for not being a bridezilla (really, she’s been the most excellent bride ever. Let’s do a TV show on NICE brides for a change?) and while we’re all wearing the same dress, we can be our individual selves in our hairstyles. I’m hoping it ends up looking nice because it’ll probably be different from everyone else, but very much ME. Pics may be posted at a later time.

Is there potential for this to be hard for me because 1) I had previously had a wedding before and 2) since I’m now single? A little. Not so much about my own wedding because that’s over and done with in the past. If/when I do get married again, there are things I will change plus it’d be a much smaller wedding. As for being single, I am disappointed that while I was allowed a plus one, I (not without trying, believe me) couldn’t fill it. As yet another one of my best friends gets married, my feelings of being left behind do intensify. There’s a temptation to feel like this every time I get invited to a wedding or hear of an engagement. And while I dread dancing at weddings for many reasons, slow dances are going to be worst because at this point if you don’t bring a date there is literally no one left to dance with.

But enough about me and my issues. This week is about two of my best friends getting married and how excited I am going to be for their wedding AND marriage. I don’t have the fear that I will lose them afterwards or that it will be a battle of married vs singles. I have been with them from the beginning and seen them go through all the ups and downs and ups again of a healthy normal relationship. I’ve seen them grow not only as a couple but individually they both have grown in ways that will compliment each other as well as positively on their own. I know they love each other and even though it’s not always going to be easy, they are going to have an awesome life together. I better stop talking now because I need to leave some words for toasts later on…..

To “Darcy” and “Lizzie”, I love you two! Congrats! From “Charlotte”

(This is not them…but it sure could be them 🙂

Photo Credit: Emily Blake Photography