The Dangerous Experiment

I talk a lot on here about how I’m a shy extrovert. And how while I’m not always that good with being outgoing, I recharge by being around people I’m close with.

Every time I read a list about what introverts want the most on Buzzfeed, it’s about how they wish people would just leave them alone and not contact them. And this makes me paranoid that everyone is really like this and I’m just the weird one that wants to be around people.

However, believe or not, there are also days when I actually do want to be alone and not see anyone. There are days when I’m perfectly content with staying at home and reading books all day or going to the movies along because I don’t want to be with anyone. It’s not that extroverts need to be surrounded with people all the time. We need our downtime too. It’s like breathing underwater. And then I need to come back to the surface, take a few deep breaths, so I can go back down again.

Those days though come maybe every few weeks or so. I can only be myself willingly for so long.

Then I have days where, for whatever reason, I feel the need to see how long I can go without having people contact me.

Therefore I have days when I just want to see what happens if I don’t contact anyone and see if anyone actually responds. It’s a dangerous experiment to play because there is the potential that it can fail. It’s almost like I want to see if I died would anyone notice? How long would it take for someone to get in touch with me? And I would be absolutely crushed if no one did. I won’t lie. It’s a very selfish experiment because I’m not purposely trying to avoid people; I just want to see how much I matter.

But because I never announce in advance I’m going to do this (and why would I?), it always never happens. Only unless I completely shut off my phone, turn off my computer, and didn’t leave my house would I be able to avoid all forms of human contact. Somehow, someway every time I’ve tried this experiment, someone tries to get in contact with me.

So I try not to do this anymore. I don’t want to be a hermit. I like people. I love my family and friends. I would like to think that if I disappeared someone would notice. I don’t want to ostracize myself from others.

It’s not always about waiting around for someone else to make the first move. I’ve learned to reach out to others. If you want something, sometimes you have to go out and get it yourself. And especially since I can be shy about reaching out to others, when I do make the effort (vs. doing it all the time) it tends to pay off very well. If people have problems with me reaching out them occasionally then that’s their problem, not mine.


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