It happened again.

Those times where I swear God decides that I’m being too dense and He chooses to speak directly at me through someone else so that I’ll actually listen to what He wants me to hear.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been really writing a lot of faith posts lately. Not because my faith has changed or gotten any less. It’s just I’ve been busy and focused on things. One of my major prayers got recently answered and while I’m very blessed and thankful, worries that had gone to the back burner are back in full force again.

It was one of those Sundays where I started off my drive to church being honest with God. I wasn’t angry at him this time. Just frustrated with things. And I told Him how it was making me feel. I know that some people don’t like complaining to God but I’m all for letting him know what’s going on my end.

This particular time I was frustrated with myself for worrying so much about the future. I’m a planner by nature. I like knowing how everything is going to be so that when it happens, there are no surprises that will cause me stress or worry. Ironically though because of this desire, I still get stressed out and get anxiety because I can’t make things go smoothly beforehand. I don’t like not knowing the future because I hate uncertainty yet worry about things makes it worse.

I told God about how I wish I could be someone who lives in the present and never seems to worry about anything. They have such a carefree anything goes attitude and just seem happy all the time. I feel like I could never be that kind of person however because I DO like planning ahead and the thought of never planning for anything is terrifying.

And then sometimes I feel like I live in the past. Not that I want to stay there but memories keep popping up and I want to get them out of my head and they just will not go away. I had been catching up with episodes of this season’s Doctor Who and there was a character who continually had memory wipes so that he could forget things. Even though I knew the consequences of not remembering things, I totally envied him because sometimes memories carry too much pain with them.

I walked into church feeling very meh that morning. I did pray that hopefully I would get something out of the sermon but I wasn’t feeling very into it. And then of course, it would be the Sunday that all the worship songs we sang seemed to jump out at me.

Focus my eyes
Away from myself
You become greater
I become less

Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good

When the songs finished and the guest pastor walked out, I was like oh, I’m not going to get anything out of today’s sermon. It’s not going to be anything I can relate to. This is ——“I am a planner. I am always thinking about the future. I am always thinking about what’s to come,” he said. I immediately shrunk down in my seat with my mouth slightly ajar.

Are you kidding me God? Seriously?

He then proceeded to talk about how we all tend to default to living in the past, present, and future. Some of us might focus on just one area, others will dabble.

(WHAT IS GOING ON???)

All have good qualities: you learn from the past and don’t want to repeat mistakes, by staying in the present you become less anxious and don’t worry as much, planning for the future can be wise. However all have negative qualities as well: you become focused on reliving the glory days or staying focused on what’s hurt you before, you have to keep getting a kind of “high” every day to stay happy, and too much living in the future makes you not focus on what’s in front of you.

We’ll have arguments with God where we just ask him to show us that he’s there, to throw us a bone, give us a sign, just prove to us that he’s there and hasn’t abandoned us. (Have I been bugged????)

He instead then said that the best thing to focus on was being in the presence of God. That no matter what is going on in life, no matter how good or bad things will get and how much you may worry, it’s better to realize that God is always there.

In Your presence there is freedom
In Your presence there is hope
In Your presence there is healing
Love restores me, I am whole

No matter how far I run
You are with me
No matter how far I fall

Your love is everlasting
Your kindness never ends
God You never leave me
Your presence goes before us
Your glory has no end
God You never leave me

The focus of the message was on John 14:1-17 and while I won’t post all of it here, the passage basically explains how Jesus is telling the disciples that they need to just believe in him. They don’t need signs or other miracles (though he has already shown them these things). Just have faith.

Well. Geez. I don’t think it could have been any clearer that God was choosing to speak to me through this message. Yes, I know that it wasn’t made specifically JUST for me. Yes, I know that all this had been planned for at least several days beforehand. And yes it does seem like a big coincidence.

But I know it isn’t. I know that God didn’t create specifically this for me because there are many people who benefited from hearing something like that. But He knew I needed to hear it and He knew WHEN I needed to hear it. It’s just always is incredibly freaky when it happens mere minutes after you tell and ask Him those exactly questions and He answers it immediately. True, it doesn’t always happen. And sometimes you may NEVER get an answer. But those times when it does happen? Awesome.

Therefore all my worries about God not caring and turning a deaf ear to me? Yeah…He just pretty much pulled one on me. God: Infinity. Deborah: Zero.