Tag Archives: Struggles

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I Can’t Wait to Have Patience

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One of the warnings you’re always told in Sunday School growing up is “Don’t ever pray for patience!”

Because what ends up happening is that instead of God giving you the patience to deal with things that are happening now, you instead are giving new situations where you have to figure out how to handle them. One usually walks away feeling severely stressed out.

I’ve talked before about how I feel about waiting. Being patient is not my strong suit.  When I get interested in something, I dive in headfirst almost immediately. Sometimes I feel like I get in over my head. Instead of checking out my surroundings and observing first, I want to make things happen as soon as I can. I think part of it is a fear that once I become aware of something, I want to make it happen because I’m scared that something else will happen. That it was disappear or something else will take it away.

I’ve mentioned before how I feel like I’m a late bloomer. And it seems like I’m finally learning that it’s going to be ok. I could spout out all that clichéd stuff about “Good things come to those who wait” and how “God isn’t going to give you something until you’re ready for it.” But that’s not always what you want to hear when you’re in the middle of the situation.

For me, I’m learning that I live a lot in my head. And sometimes I just need to stop thinking. I’m realizing how much of a temptation it is for me to just sit there and try to over think a situation to try to find out every possible scenario. I try to not to talk about it too much with my friends, just enough to get their opinion and then I journal. But I’m also learning that it’s not healthy to keep rehashing things over in your mind because if you keep doing that, you’ll just keep finding ways to beat yourself down.

So instead, I’ve learned to acknowledge whatever it is I’m waiting on, let out the initial emotional outburst with those I trust, and then put it aside and wait. Hopefully what happens in the wait is that my emotions become controlled, things settle down, and I just see how things proceed naturally vs. forcing things to happen.

Wisdom waits. Wisdom is patient. Blurting out or acting on your feelings in the bloom of their creation is a tempting but foolish thing to do. “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” (Proverbs 29:20) – from The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas

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That Night God Heard Me and He Answered

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I talk a lot about prayer on here. And many times about unanswered prayer and how there’s a lot of trusting in God involved. But I always seem to give just the first half of the story and you’re left hanging. Here’s a story that does have a part 2.

There once was a weekend where I had a really rough time. The Friday night of that week, I stayed at home. I don’t mind doing this every now and then. I can read, watch a movie, just sort of relax, and not worry about going out. The problem though was that I also hadn’t left the house at all during the day. Heck, I had barely even left my room. So I had gone over 24 hours without seeing or having any contact with another human being. Introverts would have killed to have been in my shoes that day. As an extrovert, I was dying.

The Saturday rolled around. I still hadn’t heard a word from any of my friends or pretty much anyone in general. Now most folks would probably just either 1) go and contact people themselves or 2) go do their own thing. But me being me, I have this rather stupid theory in my head that I get sometimes that if people really wanted to be around me, they would have already contacted me. They have their own lives already (especially those who are married or have kids) and they can only fit me in when they are able to or if they want to. I’m not really afraid of rejection when asking folks to do something but it’s still hard for me to do it. Therefore if people haven’t asked me out, I figure they don’t want me that night. Stupid and petty yes, but this is what runs through my mind.

So as I said, Saturday had come and I hadn’t heard a thing from anyone. I didn’t want to face yet another night of not seeing a single person again but at that point, I just figured everyone was busy and no one wanted me. And it felt really lonely. Like down at the bottom of the pit with no hope of being rescued lonely. There are some of you who may think I’m being over dramatic but if you’ve never felt this way, I can’t really describe it for you. It’s just really awful. I knew I didn’t want to stay in the pit but I didn’t know how to get out.

I spent the next hour both crying and praying. I kept alternating between being angry with God for making me like this and putting me in the situation but then immediately trying to fight those feelings because I knew they WEREN’T from God and my weak spots were being attacked. It was an emotional and spiritual struggle that was happening inside of me

Here’s an excerpt from my journal that night:

I feel like my prayers have gone unanswered. Why bother even praying for the big things when God won’t even answer a prayer of feeling tonight like I’m not forgotten. All I want right now is just ONE person to call, text, gchat, Facebook message, email. Just get a hold of me and tell me “Hey Deborah. I was just wanted to say hey.” Even if they can’t physically hang out, I just want to know what I wasn’t forgotten!

But God can’t even give me that. And I’m so tempted to turn away right now. I’m so tempted to reject him because I am hurt. And I’m constantly feeling hurt. It’s so tempting right now. Why does God hate me so much? What have I done that is so horrible, that is worse than everyone else and yet they have everything? Yes, I know things aren’t 100% perfect for them. I realize their lives have troubles as well, things that I would probably be grateful I don’t have to worry about right now.

But Lord, I hate this so much. I really do. It hurts so much God. I’m hurting. Please help me Lord. Please don’t turn away from me Lord. Please let me know. Please reveal to me that I’m loved. Please remind me that you love me and haven’t forgotten about me. Lord please. I am so weak right now. I need your strength. I need you Lord.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me for I am lonely and afflicted. Remove the troubles of my heard and free me from my anguish. Look to my affliction and to my distress and take away all my sin.”

“I call on your name Lord from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea, Do not close your ears to my cries for relief. You came near when I called and you said Do Not Fear. ”

Don’t abandon me Lord. Help me Stay. Please Lord. Please.

After I wrote that, I closed my journal, stopped crying, and went on YouTube to watch some clips of the Simpsons to make me feel better. I kid you not, less than 5 minutes later, I get a Gchat from a very close friend saying “Hey”. This was without me messaging anyone previously. I reply back “Hey.” Then they responded back, “I just wanted to say hey to you.” That’s when I knew that God had immediately answered my prayer. Because this person normally wouldn’t have done this. Especially on a Saturday night. This was a rare thing that I knew was God answering me because I had prayed.

And not only did God just answer it, He went above and beyond fulfilling it because I ended up hanging out with my friend that night all without my having to prompt or try to make it happen myself. And the Lord showed me I wasn’t forgotten and I was cared about. Yes, by my friend but more so, I knew that night God had heard me and He answered me. It was like “See Deborah, I haven’t forgotten about you. I love you so much. Even for what other people may think is a small thing, I know for you this is what you need and want. So let me show you how much I love you by answering this and doing even more than that so you know I AM the Lord.”

I’m writing this here to tell you, God answers prayers. Sometimes you can’t really tell if your prayer has been answered. Sometimes God really does close the door and say no. Sometimes He tells you to wait. But then there are times when he does answer you. And He makes sure that you know it’s from him. And to Him, nothing is petty or unworthy of asking him for help no matter what you’re feeling. Even if everyone else in the world would look down on you for what you’re going through, the Lord doesn’t think that. So NEVER feel like you can’t go to God. Yell at Him. Tell Him how you really feel. Don’t be afraid for Him to know what you are really going through.

You need to be broken before He can really work in you. Be broken. Let Him heal and restore you.

This song helped me that night. It’s probably going to have more meaning to me now anytime I hear it.

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The Impossible Girl

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The past few years I’ve had themes to describe how the year went for me. The name of the year has a geeky reference but it also perfectly describes how I felt throughout the year.

In 2012, I was “The Girl on Fire“. Much like Katniss, everything was going well for me that year. Other than a couple of weeks where it just kinda sucked, I was having the best year of my life. Almost everything went the way I had hoped and I was the happiest I had been in years.

In 2013, I was “The Girl Who Waited.” Like Amy Pond, I sat there and I waited. I was waiting on God, I was waiting on people, I was waiting for things to happen. I felt a lot of times like I was forgotten because I had been waiting for so long.

It’s taken me several months to figure out what this year was going to be. Obviously I had to wait to see how the year goes before I could categorize the year. Five months in and I think I’ve figured it out. 2014 is the year of me being “The Impossible Girl.”

For all you non Doctor Who fans out there, The Impossible Girl is referring to Clara Oswald, one of the Doctor’s companions. To make a very long and complex story short, Clara shouldn’t have happened. She’s basically born to save The Doctor. It’s impossible for her to exist and yet there she is.

(Picture credit: http://ambrixmuse.deviantart.com/art/You-are-my-impossible-girl-372965800)

So how do I take that and have it refer to me? Because right now, I feel like I shouldn’t exist. And yet here I am. Everything I want for my life hasn’t happened yet. Everything I hope for keeps being out of reach for me. I don’t understand it. I feel like nothing that should be happening is. And I’m getting frustrated.

It’s like everything I want, God keeps putting JUST out of reach for me. He keeps allowing me to have hope only to take that hope away from me. And it’s very easy and tempting to start becoming angry at God. People (and myself) keep saying that if it hasn’t happened then it’s because it’s not the right timing for it. That God has a reason for this and I need to just trust in his timing.

Truth:  I’m tired of this. I’m tired of getting my hopes up repeatedly only to have them crashing down. I’m tired of hoping anymore because it HURTS when things don’t happen. I’d sometimes rather just not have the hope at all. I feel like my entire life has been pointless, yes even with everything that I’ve written about here on my blog. Because what is the point of hoping when things NEVER come through.

There are two things in my life that I really want. Two things that every person in this world wants at least one of. And for whatever reason, God keeps withholding those two things from me. And right now, I don’t know why. I know everything you’re going to tell me. That it’s not my fault. That God has his reasons. That the timing isn’t right. That something better is ahead. And I believe all this. I know all this is true. And I have to fight all the doubts and insecurities that are trying to creep in right now. I know the promises that God has made. And I believe that he will keep them.

But in a moment of complete vulnerability, I do feel like I’m not good enough. That something MUST be wrong with me. That I keep either getting rejected or passed over or ignored. And I feel like I have done everything to better myself and it’s still not working for either case. And at this point, I don’t understand why God hates me and keeps rewarding everyone else instead. Because that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s like because I want these things so badly, that God doesn’t want me to have them for some reason. And I wish that he would just remove these desires so that I could do exactly what he wanted me to do instead of hoping for things that will never happen. And people who don’t even want these things keep getting them over and over again. So I just don’t understand why God keeps making everything impossible for me.

PAUSE

Ok funny thing: I wrote the above section earlier in the afternoon when I feeling very low. Obviously you can tell based on what I was saying by my emotional writing. I then remember vaguely praying for the Lord to help me and then just sort of forgetting about it and just wanting to get through the rest of the night. And then God answered my prayer in a way I wasn’t expecting. In fact he went far and above what I was expecting. To the point where I feel maybe not 100% better but at least 95% better than I did this afternoon. I was actually smiling and laughing tonight.

It made me realize that even though I really don’t know why things happen/don’t happen, God does. Not only that, but he also provides what you need when you need it and even if you don’t think you need it. Just like today for me. Even though I hate having my hopes crashed, it is good to have hope and the Lord gave me hope again today. I have to be careful how I handle that hope but at the same time I am able to hope again.

So back to me being “The Impossible Girl” for 2014: I feel that there are things this year that just seem impossible and I’m going to trust God with those impossible things. Because he has told me time and time again that I need to trust him. And he has made promises to me and told me that I need to just let go of all anxiety and fear. I need to just believe that he is fully capable of making those promises, no matter how impossible, come true. And even though it seems like it can’t happen and it shouldn’t happen, because I know they are promises from the Lord, they WILL happen. But if I don’t trust or believe, if I let my faith become shattered because of my doubt then everything is a lie.

God is passionately and intimately aware of every detail that you’re going through right now. He’s paying attention to your every breath. Nothing misses God’s attention. You may not understand why you’re going through what you’re going through, but you need to say this to God: “I know you’re good; I know you’re loving; I know you’re powerful; I know you notice the details of my life; I know you’re in control; I know you have a plan; I know you will protect me.” Then, you need to trust God — no matter what. Whatever you’re going through, tell God exactly how you feel. He can handle it! Accept help from others. Stop asking “why,” and start trusting God for the things you don’t understand. (http://purposedriven.com/blogs/dailyhope/what-to-do-when-it-makes-no-sense)

I’ve said before I want God to use me and my story. And I believe that he will take my situation, these seemingly impossible situations, and use them for His glory. I am The Impossible Girl this year because to everyone else, these things shouldn’t happen. But to the Lord, nothing is impossible with him. Just hang in there. Wait. Trust. And it will be good.

If there’s a passage in Scripture that can sum up how 2014 is and will be for me this is it:

Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:17-19a)

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Athazagoraphobia (say that 5 times fast)

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I went to go see the movie Divergent with a friend the other day. I read the book when it first came out so I thought it was an alright adaptation. I felt things transferred well from book to screen. (Aside: Dauntless has the best outfits. Black is always very chic.) The scenes that stuck out the most was when Tris is tested with her worst fears and has to figure out how she will face them as well as also discovering what Four’s fears were. And it made me think about what I would be facing if I were to go through that test. (or God forbid a boggart)

I know I would probably see a bunch of Ronald McDonalds as well as dying by being crushed by a steamroller (thank you Who Framed Roger Rabbit for this fear). Perhaps being in complete darkness or rats with really long tails would show up too. But I know definitely what would be in that test would be the fear of being forgotten.

I don’t mean after I die if people forget about me. Hopefully I have a good legacy and I’ve made some impact on this world that I’m not completely wiped out from memory the moment I depart from this earth. No, that doesn’t bother me because I know where I’ll be after I die and what happens on earth after that will not be of concern to me.

No, what I’m afraid of is something happens to me RIGHT NOW and I died, and no one knew. For years. This is what happens when you’re single and read news reports of people dying and no one knowing they were missing.

Out of sight, out of mind.

When I read about how people accidentally die IN THEIR HOME and they aren’t found for months, even years that really scares me. Did not a single person think to go check up on them? Did these people not have friends? Did they not have family nearby? Did they have so little impact on this world that not a single person cared to see what happened to them?

I know I have this fear because I’m single. I don’t have anyone constantly keeping track of where I am. I could go on a drive and disappear and no one would know. I’ve been tempted to just stop posting on Facebook, Twitter, all the rest of my social media, not answer my phone,  and just disappear to see if anyone would notice. Part of me is terrified to do this because I’m afraid that no one would. The funny part is that I have had friends who have done this. They purposely wanted to disappear and when I did try to contact them, they actually got annoyed that I did because they wanted to be left alone. You just can’t win can you?

However, I realize that this is a completely selfish fear. I know this. And I know this because I think about this song.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone

I don’t have to choose to isolate myself. As an extrovert, that would actually kill me faster to force myself to be alone all the time. Spiritually, I know I’m not alone. And physically, I can choose to not be a hermit. I mean, hopefully people would discover me after 5 days?

In the meantime, that’s also a good reminder for me to check in with other people. Just to see how they’re doing. Even if people are complete introverts and have horrible social anxiety, I would like to believe that one still wants to know that at least there is someone out there who cares to see how you’re doing. I just need to not fear.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

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Knowledge is Power

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Growing up, I didn’t know what some words or phrases meant because my parents didn’t grow up in American culture.  I didn’t know what a lot of swear words were and therefore I would sometimes be tricked into saying words at school that apparently meant something VERY BAD. I also didn’t know certain hand signals meant bad things too. Example: I got into trouble for sticking up my middle finger. I was tricked into doing it and then the kid tattled to the teacher. The teacher didn’t believe that I had no idea what it meant to do that and put me in time out. To this day that annoys me that happened.

I also don’t like not knowing things when people are talking. I don’t like looking dumb so if I don’t know what something means and I don’t HAVE to know it in order for the conversation to continue, I make a mental note to look it up later. I don’t know if I’ve just experienced rotten luck with this but a lot of times I feel like when I ask to explain something, the other person gets frustrated and annoyed that I don’t already know. I did have several teachers do this to me growing up and this may have created some underlying fear to this day. So to prevent that, I try to make sure I know either know things in advance or I don’t let my ignorance show. I don’t want to be a bother by asking questions. I want to learn but I don’t want to feel like I’m annoying you because I don’t know it already.

I really do like learning things. This is why I read A LOT. If I start becoming interested in something, I usually spend the first few weeks trying to cream in as much knowledge as I can. When I want to get to know a person and I find that they like something that I don’t necessarily know much about, I’ll learn about it so I can keep up the conversation. This is how I rack up so much useless trivia in my head and can crush you at Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit (and the occasional geek trivia night). I don’t necessarily TELL people I know things though. I’m not the type of person that acts like a know it all.

But I think the main reason I did this was to make up for all those incidents when I was a kid and got made fun of for not knowing things. And I wanted to fit in.

Though now lately I feel the opposite. I feel weird sometimes now that I DO know things that my friends don’t seem to know.

Example: My friends and I are a big fans of the game Cards Against Humanity. I also happen to know about 95% of what the phrases and terms used in the game mean. I’m not entirely happy that I know so much but going to public schools for my entire schooling career plus a healthy dose of lots of entertainment and having a wide circle of friends will do that to you. Nothing really shocks me in the game even when I do learn what 5% of those words mean because I have seen and heard worse in real life. I have a quite a number of friends who don’t know what a lot of the terms mean and it can be quite amusing explaining to them what they are. And yet, sometimes I wonder about myself, is it better to have been sheltered and not know these things? Is it better to be ignorant in some cases? Should I feel bad for knowing these things?

Also I realize that opposites attract and you don’t want someone who’s super similar to you because that would probably get boring all the time. But I tend to notice that the interests I have tend not to be desirable interests in the type of guys I want to date. They seem to go after women who don’t have these interests and therefore they have to explain everything to them. I realize guys DO like feeling knowledgeable of things and it can be a big ego booster for them to share that knowledge. It just makes me feel inadequate because I already know these things and feel like that’s a disadvantage for me. I don’t know necessarily if I would want to date a guy where I had to explain all these things to him and not be able to have a conversation on equal footing. This could all change one day and I’ll eat my words. But it’s frustrating because that’s one of those situations where I wish I didn’t know what I’d know.

It doesn’t really matter either way. I obviously don’t know EVERYTHING. And there are still times when I feel dumb compared to some of my friends because they know things that I don’t. And then I feel bad for knowing things that other people don’t because I wonder if it’s a waste to know these things.

It all comes down to just accepting myself. I am a person that has many interests that are not going to be the same as everyone else and who has had life experiences that aren’t the same as most people. It’s ok to know things and it’s ok to not know.

Because after all:

2

Want. Ask. Receive?

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This past week I was watching my favorite miniseries of all time, Jesus of Nazareth. Even though I own it on DVD, I was super excited to find out that it was on Netflix. But then I got really irritated because for unknown reasons, they chose a version that is edited a lot, like over an hour of stuff missing. Luckily, I happened to find another (legal) version online. If you haven’t seen it, it’s magnificent. There are so many classic movie stars that have guest roles and the actor that plays Jesus is spectacular. The movie keeps very close to Scripture, though there are some changes and they do leave things out, but I don’t find this a problem at all. And fun fact, the Monty Python movie Life of Brian used the same sets when they filmed their movie.

Anyways while I was watching, one of the scenes seemed to jump out at me. It involved Jesus speaking to the crowds basically telling them this passage:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11)

So that got me thinking. The Lord gives us what we ask for, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to get everything that we want. I’ve reached the age where I now have several friends who are parents and I’m watching them handle their children. Even when their child is yelling and begging for something, the parents don’t necessarily give it to them because they know what’s best for their child. Sure it might make the kid hate the parent for a little bit and be very angry at them, but that doesn’t mean that they have to have it at the moment. There are many reasons why they weren’t given what they wanted: it wasn’t time yet for it, it wasn’t meant for them to have, it’s not safe, they weren’t meant to have it at all. The parent, because they are wiser, is making choices that is best for their child even though the child doesn’t realize it at the moment.

And that’s what happens in the rest of our lives. We can pray and beg God to have something happen because we really want it to. And we’re convinced that it’s best for us and surely God can see how getting this will be absolutely beneficial to everyone. When we don’t get it, we get angry at God because he didn’t allow it to happen.

There’s been many times in my life when I just get flat out frustrated with God because I don’t understand why things aren’t going the way I want. I have many questions that I ask him. “What will happen? Why am I going through this? What do I do? What do you want me to do?” And I can’t understand why he’s making me go through certain things. But as the Scripture says, if a parent who is imperfect knows what is best for their child, shouldn’t I trust that my Heavenly Father who IS perfect knows what’s best for me? If I’m going to place my faith and trust in him, then I should understand and realize that my wants and desires may not always be what God knows that I need.

The hard part can be when it’s not clear at the moment why I can’t have that desire but eventually “peace comes not from knowing what lies ahead, but knowing that God is the same before, during and after whatever it is.” (http://www.boundless.org/faith/2009/god-told-me)

And who says movies are only good for mindless entertainment and don’t get you to ponder things?

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Online Dating is not all it’s cracked up to be

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So I finally caved. I signed up to do online dating.

While online dating doesn’t have the negative stigma it used to have, it still can feel like a last resort. While I do know several folks who have gotten together because of online dating, in my close group of friends, all of them met their significant others the old-fashioned way. When you’re the only one who can’t, it makes you feel like a pariah and that going online means you’re doing the last ditch attempt.

It’s also really interesting reading all the different Christian perspectives on online dating. Some are completely against it because it means you’re trying to control God’s will. Others are like it’s just a tool that can help you. Some are completely against women doing any of the initiating while others are completely against it.

It was a somewhat reluctant choice. I kinda felt like I had made a promise with God that I’d do it if nothing happened in a relationship that I was hoping.

But anywho as I was saying, I had kept stalling on signing up for an account because I wanted to see if God would let all this happen on its own. Finally it got to the point where I felt God just telling me “Trust me with this.” And a situation happened where I realized that I couldn’t wait around any longer. I figured “ok, let’s get this out of the way and see if it works.”

I started up first by signing up for a free week’s trial on Match.com. I had my friends help me with my account because I’m horrible at describing myself. After the account was made, we were looking around and were like “Where are all these guys in real life who say on here that they are Christian?” The week went by with nothing really going anywhere. I do have a story that comes out of this experience but that’s for another time.

I looked at the Christian dating sites but those seemed sparsely populated and with guys with names such as “GodzGift2Women”. So that was a no go.

I had also registered for a free trial on Eharmony. I didn’t sign up immediately since it was PRICEY. But I kept getting emails that kept lowering and lowering the price. Finally they dropped it down to 8.99 a month for three months AND I could sign up right after New Year’s which had been my plan all along. So I did. I actually knew people who had gotten married because of Eharmony and for what I was looking for, it seemed more compatible for me.

Har har har.

What were my thoughts and experiences after three months? Well. I’m still single. I never went out on a single date. I never even finished a full communication with a single guy. GO ME.

During the first month I had my restrictions pretty tight. It was highly important for me to meet someone who was a Christian, 26-34, drank occasionally, had no kids, valued education very important, and lived 30 miles away from me. As I’m in the DC metro area, I figured that shouldn’t be hard to find a guy who fits all that. Apparently it is. The first two weeks there were barely any matches for me and Eharmony kept telling me I needed to loosen up with my restrictions. Ok, fine I’ll open it up to 60 miles. Again since I lived in the DC area, there should be a ton of guys. Nope, still not getting a lot of matches. FINE. I changed my settings to 120 miles even though Eharmony kept telling me to make it at least 300 miles. Now we’re starting to get somewhere except a lot of these matches seemed to be in Pennsylvania which is at least 2 hours drive for me. And even then there STILL weren’t a lot of matches. So I finally loosened up my education to slightly important. BOOM. Apparently that was the key factor as a lot of guys don’t value education as important as I do, as least on this site.

  • I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I kept getting matched with guys who were inactive or I’m just incredibly ugly or something but in 3 months, I got maybe 20-25 profile views. That’s it.
  • I got one communications request that fizzled out after I sent (as prompted by the site) these open ended questions (1. Open your fridge and name the first 3 things you see. 2. What are you currently geeking out over right now? 3. Describe a time that God has been awesome in your life.) vs the stupid bland questions Eharmony suggested. My questions weren’t hard and if that disinterests you, you are definitely not for me.
  • I sent out about five smiles to guys I thought were interesting and no response, no profile view, nothing from them.
  • I looked at a guy’s profile and immediately he closed out the match. I looked at the profiles at about 80% of the matches that I got and 95% of them never looked back.
  • I sent out the 5 question getting to know you to six guys I thought was interesting. Two closed out the match to block me. (To make things awkward, that following Sunday one of them showed up in my church. I have no idea if he’s been there all along or if he just started coming but I just found it really weird.) Before I canceled my membership, there were still four guys who never responded at all to my icebreaker. What kills me is they all say they were “active today”. I have no idea what that actually means and if they were really online and just ignoring me.
  • One of the guys I got matched with was supposed to have been the roommate of the guy that through circumstance caused me to signup for online dating in the first place. What are the odds of that? (No worries, he had an inactive profile)

I’m slightly confused as to all the stories of people who I’ve read both sides of who should do the initiating on online dating sites. From the Christian perspective alone, I was told to go ahead and send messages as well as to let the guy be the one that does all the initiating. Well to be honest, at the rate I’m going, if I just sit and wait for the guy, I’m not even going to be looked at. I can understand if you clicked on my profile and weren’t interested after getting to read me. I also want to know all these women who supposedly get so many messages they don’t know what to do.

Did I ever really think I’d find “the one” online? Not really. I just thought that I’d at least get SOME interaction on here. Instead all it’s done is just leave me quite frustrated and not as hopeful. I’ve come to the conclusion that either something was horribly wrong with me or I just kept getting matched with guys who were inactive or only had the freebie accounts and couldn’t really see or do anything (or perhaps they were dead). As for the guy that just stopped responding, I have no idea. It’s just really frustrating that it’s hyped so heavily and yet nothing came out of it at all.

Sure you can argue that I only tried it for three months and it’s an investment. But, if after three months, not a single thing happened, you can’t guarantee that anything is going to happen and I don’t want to waste my money on this kind of uncertainty. I could go to free sites but I’m not feeling any sense of rush or urgency at the moment.

So, what now? Well, nothing really. I just have to wait and trust. Will I try this ever again? Maybe. We’ll see. (Lower price might help.) But I feel that God just wanted me to try it, he didn’t guarantee anything would happen. I just need to trust and see what’s going to happen next.

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When Your Heart’s Desires Become Your Heart Idols

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So this the last in the series of recapping the women’s retreat I went to a few weeks ago. There was so much that I got out of it that of course I had to share it. If you haven’t already, feel free to check out my posts on forgiveness, jealousy, and bacon (aka an overview of the retreat).

When you think about idols, usually what comes to mind is some big tall statue or perhaps the golden calf. We joke about what and who we idolize, basically what is the most important things in our lives.

According to Shawn Lantz, the speaker at the retreat, the definition of idolatry is “centering our attention and affection on something or someone other than God himself.” Or basically what has become the most important focus in your life to the point where everything else has taken a backseat and you can’t see clearly anymore.  “I’m blind when I pursue other things that I think will satisfy me.”

She talked about exposing heart idols and gave these as an example

  • Control/Power
  • Comfort/Security
  • Approval/Affirmation

Our idols always demand a sacrifice. Our idols cannot be removed; they must be replaced.

When I look at that list, five out of the six apply to me. I can honestly say that I do not need power. It really is something that has never been tempting to me. I don’t want it. I don’t need to be in the top position because I know all the negative side effects that come with that. Honestly if that was ever granted to me as a superpower, I would turn it down. I do not and never will crave power.

However as for the others? *grimace*

With certain aspects in my life, those five heart idols definitely come into play. Probably because of how my life has been and wheres it’s going, these things are painful to admit at how important they’ve become in my life.

  • Control – I don’t necessarily want to have power, but I would like it when things go according to plan. MY PLAN.
  • Comfort – I don’t like being in situations that make uncomfortable and awkward.
  • Security – I want to know that I’m safe and will be taken care of. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been left alone.
  • Approval – I want to know that you like me and I haven’t made you mad. I don’t want to be a bother.
  • Affirmation – I want to know that you want to be with me because you want to and not because you have to.

While each of these can start off being just simple requests, it’s very easy to see how they can overtake you and especially when you combine a lot of them. You begin thinking, oh if I just get this then everything will become better and I’ll be happy. But the eyes of man are never satisfied and the heart is always longing.

Are there things in my life that I want right now? Yes. Have I placed very high importance levels on them? Yes. Will they completely satisfy all the heart idols’ desires and wants? Nope.

I know for me at least, I’m glad that I recognize that these are issues in my life. I’ve acknowledged them and though it makes me feel vulnerable, I know that by realizing what I need to work on is what is going to help me.

All who make idols are nothing,
    and the things they treasure are worthless.
Those who would speak up for them are blind;
    they are ignorant, to their own shame. (Isaiah 44:9)

“Remember these things, Jacob,
    for you, Israel, are my servant.
I have made you, you are my servant;
    Israel, I will not forget you.
 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
    your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
    for I have redeemed you.” (Isaiah 44:21-22)

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Hey Jealousy

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It’s so easy to get jealous. And it’s also crazy the thing small tiny things we get jealous over.

Shawn Lantz, the speaker at the women’s retreat, spent a lot of the first session talking about this. Because as women, we tend to get jealous a lot. And it’s become a stereotype for us. I personally do believe that men get jealous as well, but they are less willing to admit it, at least not publicly. But for women, it’s so present in our lives every day about how we compare ourselves to each other and feel like we can never measure up. It’s a never ending battle we have with each other and with our own selves.

To highlight some of the things Shawn talked about, everything she said specifically will be in quotes.

Four core issues that a jealous heart wrestles with

God, can I trust you?
God, do you love me?
God, are you good?
God, are you just?

“There is no shame in admitting I struggle with jealousy.”

One of the things Shawn mentioned is how it can be easier to admit you have an anger issue than a jealousy problem. And I think that’s true. We’ve been ingrained throughout our entire lives that jealously is wrong and we shouldn’t be feeling it. But yet it still happens. For example, Facebook is the best way to make yourself feel inadequate. Look at all the things other people are doing! They got engaged! They got married! They bought a house! They are pregnant! They had a boy! They had a girl! They went on vacation! They look perfect! And then we feel like we have to one up them….or just give up and admit defeat that we will never have lives as good as theirs look. I probably should just stop using Facebook for a while but I’m not ready to yet.

Maybe there are some people who never have to deal with jealousy. And kudos to them for honestly feeling that way. That’s awesome that you have found a way to never compare yourself to others and want things others have. I’m jealous of you for being that way. HAH.

I had a discussion with one of my girlfriends about how jealously in western culture tends to be visually based. We get jealous of material items and body images because that’s what society throws at us. I do believe however that jealously is universal though. In other parts of the world there’s a different type of jealousy. I think humans crave emotional affection and attention so if we don’t get that, there’s always going to be some sort of envy.

A personal confession? I get jealous. It can be a struggle right now with all my friends who are in relationships and I’m not after attempts to have relationships keep failing. Every time I receive news that a friend gets engaged, while I’m extremely happy for them, I break down into tears. I’m jealous that they have found someone who chooses to love them. And I want that so badly and it hurts when it won’t happen. I feel like something is wrong with me and wonder what they have that I don’t.

But the thing is I also know that even if I get this one thing fulfilled, if not handled correctly and I don’t fix where my heart is, my jealousy won’t stop there. Because people who are dating get jealous of people who get engaged. People who are engaged get jealous of those who are getting married before them. People who are married get jealous of those who are single. People who aren’t pregnant yet get jealous of those who are pregnant. People are pregnant are jealous of those who have easier pregnancies than they do. People who have boys get jealous of those who have girls and vice versa. People who have kids get jealous of those who don’t have kids. People get jealous of those who have bought houses, cars, vacations, etc.

There are so many things we get jealous over. And it’s never going to end.

I wonder sometimes how could anyone possibly be jealous of me? I don’t have my life together at all. I never have anything interesting happen in my life. I’ve had really bad things happen in my life. What could you possibly think is awesome in my life that is not in yours? Not trying to be cynical here.

Comparison – we become disgruntled with what once made us content

We believe that our obedience entitles us to more than what we were promised

We want God’s blessings to us to match our desires and/or sense of justice.

Since I struggle with this from time to time, I know at least for me I have to just admit I feel this way vs hide it under a rug and ignore it. And when I admit it, then at least I can face the problem and try to fix it. What usually ends up happening is when I feel it’s getting too bad, I pray a lot.  God shows me what I can be grateful for, but not in a way that makes me feel guilty.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25-26)

Jealousy is ugly. It’s not becoming and it’s not a quality trait. I’m not going to lie and say that I never have it. I just need to deal with it in a more positive way.

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Adventures in Babysitting

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Growing up I was a HUGE fan of the Baby-Sitters Club books.

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It’s really funny now that so many of the people I know would highly benefit from such a business. I mean really, why has there not been a group of high schoolers in the DC metro area not taken advantage of this business opportunity? You guys would be millionaires already. Just saying.

As a gift to some good friends of mine, I had offered a free night of baby sitting while they went out to the movies. Actually the gift was given during their child’s first birthday party. He didn’t need more gifts, but I wanted to give it to his parents because I figured they could use a night out/off.

I haven’t had a real baby sitting job since college days so it’s been over ten years but I wasn’t perturbed. It was like riding a bike again. Maybe it’s a sign of the times and things have changed since then, but do people not give out numbers for emergencies anymore? I was expecting to get the after hours pediatrician or neighbor’s and my friends were like eh, just call 911. Also I would be changing my first diaper in YEARS. Thankfully the parents got the messy diaper out of the way before they left so I didn’t have to deal with it. I was also told you can help yourself to anything in the fridge. I felt like I was 15 all over again. It was lovely.

Things went well for most of the night. The baby and I had a very nice time together. We ate Cheerios (he ate, and then fed me a few), played with a toy train, watch him get in antics with the dog, and I read several books to him. He’s an adorable baby and I love him to bits. And it was quite delightful.

But then it was time for bed…..and I couldn’t get him to go to sleep. I did everything his mom told me to do: give bottle, change diaper, switch to pacifier, etc. I leave the room……cries. Waited ten minutes hoping he’d calm down. No, such luck. I went back in the room and stayed with him for a little while longer. Leave room….WAILS. I wait about 20 minutes that maybe he’d stop? Nope. So as a last resort, I just grabbed an IPad and he curled up in my lap and we watched Baby Einstein together. Let me tell you, that thing calms down babies AND adults. It nearly put ME to sleep. (Also if one were to watch that on drugs, it’d be quite trippy.)

And I know that parents deal with this ALL the time. And it’s not the baby’s fault or the parents’ fault AT ALL. But when I couldn’t get him to sleep, I felt like the most horrible person in the world. The thought of “oh my gosh, I am never going to become a mom because I cannot get this baby to bed” kept rushing into my mind. Which is of course silly because I have been hearing countless times over the past few years of my friends unable to get their kids to sleep. But as this was really my first time doing it at the age where I can now really think about one day having babies soon, it almost was like getting thrown in the line of fire without training. And I feel like I failed miserably.

Before you say anything, yes, I have already been told by countless amounts of people that this is normal, that kids do this, that it’s ok, that “hey, at least you got to leave”, etc. But in a moment of truthfulness, not being able to put him to sleep brought out a lot of fears and insecurities in me. What if I never do have kids? What if I’m not going to be good with kids? What if my kids hate me? What if I hate my kids? What if other people judge me for not being good with kids? What if I’m never meant to be a mom or wife and this is God showing me this with a crying baby? It was whole thought rampage that went through my head and it frightened me.

On the plus side, his crying did tug at my heart so I know I don’t have that cruel side in me that would ignore crying. So there’s that going for me.

I realize that right now as I am single and don’t have kids, I’m more flexible in my life right now. And while I do hope very much that all that changes some day (sooner rather than later) as of this moment, I can use this freedom and bless my friends with it. I really don’t get anything out of it (other than hopefully being prepared for when I have kids one day) and nor do I really want to. I want to do this because I love my friends and this is a way that I can show love to them. I’m already prepared next month to help out another set of friends with their two and a half month old baby for the weekend. So need a baby sitter? Save time….call me.

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