Tag Archives: Friendship

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You Can’t Handle the Truth

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Sometimes when you want someone to be honest with you, it can hurt.

There’s an episode of Friends called “The One With the List”. In it Rachel finds a pros/cons list that Ross made to determine if he should break up with his current girlfriend for her. As expected, when she reads it, it really hurts her.

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

I once had a talk with a very close friend and during the conversation, I asked them to brutally honest with me. It was one of those moments where it was now or never that things of this nature were going to get shared.

I’m not going to share what was said, mainly because a lot of the things said are still quite painful and also I realize that it was only one specific viewpoint. But at the same time, it hurt. It made me feel like everything I have ever worried about myself for years WERE in fact true. Also that things that I had finally come to love about myself were still negative factors about me.

The worst part was that it had come from someone I trusted. Yes, I had asked them to tell me these things. Really, I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose I’d rather hear it from someone I trusted vs. some random person who didn’t know me at all. But I think it’s because I am close to them that it hurt even more. That because they knew my insecurities and my fears, the way it came out just made me feel like I was a failure. Were these things all true? Possibly. But at the same time, maybe I just wasn’t ready to handle it.

The next few days involved a lot of internal and external processing. It was very tempting to continue feeling like I was unworthy. It was a very highly emotional time. But because I wanted to prove to the other person and mainly to myself that I wasn’t going to stay this way, I found myself fighting it. First though, I allowed myself to hurt. Because to ignore the hurt would not be healthy. To just push it away would only make it come back much worse in the future. I let myself cry and be angry.

Then I stopped. And I allowed myself to move on. Why? Because even though this was a trusted confidant for me, they aren’t me. The only person who has final say over what happens in my life is me. And if I’m honestly happy with myself right now, then no one should take that away from me. Just because I’m not what someone wants or I’m not doing something you would do, doesn’t mean I have to change myself. Unless I want to.

One more thing. I am done having important and in-depth conversations late at night. Because this right here is so very true (but not in the way it happens on the show, lest you start thinking that) :

Addendum: Also lest you think this person was a horrible person, they are not. I still consider them to be one of my closest friends and I love them dearly. It was just one of those moments that you learn from. 🙂

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When Darcy finally met his Lizzie

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This week is going to be super exciting. Two of my best friends are getting married this weekend! And I couldn’t be happier for them. I’m really happy because I’m close friends with BOTH the bride and groom. I love this couple and am really glad they’ve included me in their day.

We have a running joke that their love story is basically Pride and Prejudice and well…this was them.

I’m also excited because this is the first time that I’ll be a bridesmaid in a wedding. I know, I know. There are several of you out there who have been in more weddings that you care to be in and you have all the expensive dresses to prove it. Not counting my own (which well, we won’t really talk about), the only other wedding I’ve been in was when I was 14 and my Sunday School teacher got married and along with the rest of the girls in our class, I was a junior bridesmaid. This meant that I helped out with food and got to decorate the car (butter + flour = one heck of a mess). This time, I’ve been there for lots of planning, bridal showers and bacherlorette parties, dress fittings, jewelry shopping, etc. I even checked out books from the library about how to be a good bridesmaid.

You know how everyone says that no one pays attention to anyone but the bride at weddings? Well maybe that’s true for everyone else but for some reason I’ve always noticed the bridesmaids. I’m always jealous of the wedding party. Everyone seems like they all know each other and it’s one big in-crowd. And not that it matters because no one will really be looking at me, I’m really excited about how I’m planning on doing my hair. Thank you to my friend for not being a bridezilla (really, she’s been the most excellent bride ever. Let’s do a TV show on NICE brides for a change?) and while we’re all wearing the same dress, we can be our individual selves in our hairstyles. I’m hoping it ends up looking nice because it’ll probably be different from everyone else, but very much ME. Pics may be posted at a later time.

Is there potential for this to be hard for me because 1) I had previously had a wedding before and 2) since I’m now single? A little. Not so much about my own wedding because that’s over and done with in the past. If/when I do get married again, there are things I will change plus it’d be a much smaller wedding. As for being single, I am disappointed that while I was allowed a plus one, I (not without trying, believe me) couldn’t fill it. As yet another one of my best friends gets married, my feelings of being left behind do intensify. There’s a temptation to feel like this every time I get invited to a wedding or hear of an engagement. And while I dread dancing at weddings for many reasons, slow dances are going to be worst because at this point if you don’t bring a date there is literally no one left to dance with.

But enough about me and my issues. This week is about two of my best friends getting married and how excited I am going to be for their wedding AND marriage. I don’t have the fear that I will lose them afterwards or that it will be a battle of married vs singles. I have been with them from the beginning and seen them go through all the ups and downs and ups again of a healthy normal relationship. I’ve seen them grow not only as a couple but individually they both have grown in ways that will compliment each other as well as positively on their own. I know they love each other and even though it’s not always going to be easy, they are going to have an awesome life together. I better stop talking now because I need to leave some words for toasts later on…..

To “Darcy” and “Lizzie”, I love you two! Congrats! From “Charlotte”

(This is not them…but it sure could be them 🙂

Photo Credit: Emily Blake Photography

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All the Small Things

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It’s been a crazy past few weeks in my life lately. Lots of ups and downs. Unexpected surprises. Anticipated downsides. Basically I feel like I’ve been living on a roller coaster lately. And I’m a lovely combination of being mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted.

However even with all the crazy that is going on in my life, I still managed to find several silver linings.

Disclaimer: Since I don’t have kids and I’m not married, the only thing I can really brag about is myself at the moment. And I as I normally hate talking about good things that happen to me because I’m worried about what others think, this is rather rare. So if anyone feels the need to tell me I’m talking too much about myself, keep it to yourself. (kthanksbye)

I woke up on Tuesday morning to the best news ever….I won tickets to see Josh Groban! There had been a contest from the venue’s location  to name your favorite JG song and I entered with saying about how I hadn’t really listened to his music until this past year and yay for “False Alarms.” Didn’t think at all that I’d win. And then boom I did. The really awesome part was that I was totally expecting lawn seats because why would they give away seats that people would pay more money for? Then I got the tickets in the mail.

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These are actual seats! In the balcony! This is pretty frakking awesome!

And yes, I did buy tickets to see him for the night before as well. I don’t need to defend myself at all. But right now, knowing that I’m going to have back to back nights of Josh Groban in my life is exactly what I need. Also he’ll be the host of (yet) another reality music competition show on TV this summer. So even if I don’t care about the music, I can have Josh Groban on my TV every week during the summer!

The winning streak continued later that day because then I won a Twitter contest from Noodles and Company.

Then on Wednesday, I got a text from Chick Fil-A saying I could get free chicken nuggets that day. Yay! Free lunch!

While I was there, I received an email from my favorite movie theater telling me that as a rewards member I got the chance to be the first to RSVP for an advance screening of The Fault in Our Stars. Oh and that it was free as well. Free movie??? BOOM, I RSVPed immediately. And the RSVPs filled up fast so I was extremely lucky to get one when I did. I feel like I should feel bad because I haven’t read the book yet but you know what, I’m not going to. I’m really excited.

I may write another post about how I seem to have good luck when winning contests. It appears that I do.

On Thursday, I was FINALLY able to get my bridesmaid’s dress in as this has been a huge source of worry for the past few weeks. And the alterations are going to be a lot cheaper than I expected, so yay! Plus that day I found out I will be receiving for review from Amazon, a very nice set of pots and pans which makes me really excited because I love to cook and these will be awesome for that.

Then this weekend was the bachelorette party for the wedding I’ll be in. And it was rather awesome. Spending time with some of my best girl friends was exactly what I needed. I can also now take a breather from wedding duties as I had planned the shower and the bachelorette weekend and now I’m all good until the actual wedding next month.

There’s still a lot of stuff going on in my life that I both need to figure out and also just turn over to God. But it’s really great to know that there are still good things in life that I can find joy in.

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Adventures in Babysitting

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Growing up I was a HUGE fan of the Baby-Sitters Club books.

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It’s really funny now that so many of the people I know would highly benefit from such a business. I mean really, why has there not been a group of high schoolers in the DC metro area not taken advantage of this business opportunity? You guys would be millionaires already. Just saying.

As a gift to some good friends of mine, I had offered a free night of baby sitting while they went out to the movies. Actually the gift was given during their child’s first birthday party. He didn’t need more gifts, but I wanted to give it to his parents because I figured they could use a night out/off.

I haven’t had a real baby sitting job since college days so it’s been over ten years but I wasn’t perturbed. It was like riding a bike again. Maybe it’s a sign of the times and things have changed since then, but do people not give out numbers for emergencies anymore? I was expecting to get the after hours pediatrician or neighbor’s and my friends were like eh, just call 911. Also I would be changing my first diaper in YEARS. Thankfully the parents got the messy diaper out of the way before they left so I didn’t have to deal with it. I was also told you can help yourself to anything in the fridge. I felt like I was 15 all over again. It was lovely.

Things went well for most of the night. The baby and I had a very nice time together. We ate Cheerios (he ate, and then fed me a few), played with a toy train, watch him get in antics with the dog, and I read several books to him. He’s an adorable baby and I love him to bits. And it was quite delightful.

But then it was time for bed…..and I couldn’t get him to go to sleep. I did everything his mom told me to do: give bottle, change diaper, switch to pacifier, etc. I leave the room……cries. Waited ten minutes hoping he’d calm down. No, such luck. I went back in the room and stayed with him for a little while longer. Leave room….WAILS. I wait about 20 minutes that maybe he’d stop? Nope. So as a last resort, I just grabbed an IPad and he curled up in my lap and we watched Baby Einstein together. Let me tell you, that thing calms down babies AND adults. It nearly put ME to sleep. (Also if one were to watch that on drugs, it’d be quite trippy.)

And I know that parents deal with this ALL the time. And it’s not the baby’s fault or the parents’ fault AT ALL. But when I couldn’t get him to sleep, I felt like the most horrible person in the world. The thought of “oh my gosh, I am never going to become a mom because I cannot get this baby to bed” kept rushing into my mind. Which is of course silly because I have been hearing countless times over the past few years of my friends unable to get their kids to sleep. But as this was really my first time doing it at the age where I can now really think about one day having babies soon, it almost was like getting thrown in the line of fire without training. And I feel like I failed miserably.

Before you say anything, yes, I have already been told by countless amounts of people that this is normal, that kids do this, that it’s ok, that “hey, at least you got to leave”, etc. But in a moment of truthfulness, not being able to put him to sleep brought out a lot of fears and insecurities in me. What if I never do have kids? What if I’m not going to be good with kids? What if my kids hate me? What if I hate my kids? What if other people judge me for not being good with kids? What if I’m never meant to be a mom or wife and this is God showing me this with a crying baby? It was whole thought rampage that went through my head and it frightened me.

On the plus side, his crying did tug at my heart so I know I don’t have that cruel side in me that would ignore crying. So there’s that going for me.

I realize that right now as I am single and don’t have kids, I’m more flexible in my life right now. And while I do hope very much that all that changes some day (sooner rather than later) as of this moment, I can use this freedom and bless my friends with it. I really don’t get anything out of it (other than hopefully being prepared for when I have kids one day) and nor do I really want to. I want to do this because I love my friends and this is a way that I can show love to them. I’m already prepared next month to help out another set of friends with their two and a half month old baby for the weekend. So need a baby sitter? Save time….call me.

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With a little (or a lot) of help from my friends

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“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”  – C.S. Lewis

Last week I wrote about what it’s like losing an extremely close friend in your life by their choice and not yours. I was told by several people that I sounded really sad and they wanted to see if I was ok. In all honesty, I am. That post had been written for a while and I had gotten out most of the emotion while writing it and had reached a place where I was at peace to post it. It also got me thinking though even if one person chose not to have me in their life there are still many people who still would welcome me with open arms. That one loss won’t define who I am.

On Sunday, the message at my church was extremely timely as my pastor talked how a passage in Philippians 2 show how  “good relationships are built on who you are, not what you can do. Integrity is the glue that holds relationships together.”

He talked about how you need to have several good strong relationships in your life, friends that want you to suceed and will sacrifice things in their own life to help you succeed. This got me thinking that even when I feel that I’ve lost a friendship, I still have other friends who DO care about me and fulfill all those above requirements.

I’ve said before I didn’t have very many close friends growing up when I was in school. Even the ones that I did have, we don’t talk anymore. I don’t know if it’s me or them, but it felt like after we graduated from high school everyone went their separate path, got back together with each other, and I got somehow left behind. I actually have never been invited to a single one of my high school friend’s weddings. Or college for that matter.

Don’t start pity partying me. In the past few years, I have been blessed with some amazing friendships. I am glad that I have found them now in this stage of life because the person I used to be would not have been mature enough to be friends with these people. These folks have stuck by me through thick and thin. They’ve gotten phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, Gchats…heck I think even written notes from me when I needed their friendship. And in turn, I feel like I’ve been there for them as well.

Our pastor categorized these friendships as Level 5 ones. I would hope that they think of me in that same light. These are the people you trust most. The one you can go to with your joys and struggles and know that they will both rejoice and mourn with you. They are the people who will desire your success about their own and in turn you will feel the same way about them. I sometimes joke (though being partially serious) that if I were to die or something horrible had happened to me, these friends would know in less than a day. Which is very comforting to think about. Especially when right now I’m single.

I need those good strong relationships in my life right now. And I feel that God has put these people in my life for a reason. He’ll take away people who I don’t need in my life right now for a reason as well. You always want those friendships you see on TV or movies where you have the big group of friends who stick together throughout the years  Well right now (and I hope this doesn’t change but if it does, so be it) I feel like I have even better friends than that.

This is a rather sappy post. FEEL THE LOVE.

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In Time….This is The End

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Oh brother I can’t, I can’t get through
I’ve been trying hard to reach you, cause I don’t know what to do
Oh brother I can’t believe it’s true
I’m so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

– “Talk” by Coldplay

As I’ve grown older, my relationships with my friends have become one of the most important thing in my life. I didn’t have very many close friends growing up. I had a few but they didn’t last long or I was in part of a bigger group but never had a best friend like others did. Now as I’ve reached 30, I’ve found that I’d rather have a smaller group of very close friends that I can grow with in life as we all share experiences together. And one of the hardest thing about this is when one of those friends decides that they want the friendship to be over, and you aren’t ready for it.

It’s extremely tough and painful to accept the fact of when a friendship is over. It can be akin to a breakup but I think that losing a friendship is even worse. Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, heck husbands and wives sometimes even. But losing a good and very close friend is harder because when you’ve built up that relationship, they can be very difficult to replace. And you may not even want to replace them…we’re not back in middle school anymore trading friends in cliques.

The worst feeling I think is that it can feel like all the years of your friendship now feel like a waste. Sure, you have good memories. Yes there were happy times. But when the friendship just dies, it feels like all the time, energy, effort…everything you put into the relationship feels like it was a waste. Especially when you can’t figure out what you did wrong.  If you had closure then you could put it behind you and walk away. But when you don’t know, it hurts. Instead of answers, you’re just left with silence. And sometimes you didn’t do anything wrong at all.There are some people who just aren’t good with closing things out. They don’t want to deal with messy so they just disappear and hope that you will eventually get the hint. It sucks like hell when that happens in a breakup, but when it happens in a friendship, it can be even worse. When your repeated attempts to figure out what happened don’t get reciprocated, you’re left with the feeling that the other person didn’t care as much as you did.

Sometimes you won’t ever get that closure. And you have to deal with it and move on. For me, lots of prayer has been and will continue to take place. I feel like there’s an empty spot in my life/heart right now. Not to sound all “Christian-y” but I know that God will fill it back soon. Whether that’s with other things, other people, or even God himself, I know that the gap in my heart won’t stay open and vulnerable forever. I wonder sometimes why God brings people into our lives only to take them away because it seems like it was a waste of time on everyone’s part. But ultimately God has his reasons and even though I don’t know why all this happened this way, someday I know I will understand.

I love how God directs me to what he wants me to know are his words that I need to read. I found this passage in Psalms one day during a particularly rough day. I have probably read it many times before and just glanced over it. But on that day, God knew that I needed to read it and all of a sudden it described exactly how I felt. I cannot tell you how perfectly this passage fit me at the time. I remember crying when I read it because it was as if David had written the passage about me. However, it was also comforting in the fact that I knew God had led me to read this. And then it gave me hope as well as to what to place my faith and trust in.

Psalm 55: 1-2, 4-8, 12-17, 20-22; 23b

Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me
and I am distraught

My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen on me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm.”

If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were rising against me,
I could hide.
But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
at the house of God,
as we walked about
among the worshipers.

As for me, I call to God,
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.

My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
His talk is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let
the righteous be shaken.

But as for me, I trust in you.

Truth be told, I don’t know what will happen next. Perhaps God has closed the door on this friendship for good. Or maybe it’s just for a season now where we’re not going to be friends. I don’t know. There’s a lot of letting go, waiting, and trusting in God that’s going to have to be done here. Sound familiar? I think that’s been the main theme of this blog…and my rebooted life.

Slightly topical, here’s another excellent article from Relevant, this time about when a friendship is draining and what are signs that you should be looking for to see if you need to end it.