Category Archives: Ponderings

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Athazagoraphobia (say that 5 times fast)

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I went to go see the movie Divergent with a friend the other day. I read the book when it first came out so I thought it was an alright adaptation. I felt things transferred well from book to screen. (Aside: Dauntless has the best outfits. Black is always very chic.) The scenes that stuck out the most was when Tris is tested with her worst fears and has to figure out how she will face them as well as also discovering what Four’s fears were. And it made me think about what I would be facing if I were to go through that test. (or God forbid a boggart)

I know I would probably see a bunch of Ronald McDonalds as well as dying by being crushed by a steamroller (thank you Who Framed Roger Rabbit for this fear). Perhaps being in complete darkness or rats with really long tails would show up too. But I know definitely what would be in that test would be the fear of being forgotten.

I don’t mean after I die if people forget about me. Hopefully I have a good legacy and I’ve made some impact on this world that I’m not completely wiped out from memory the moment I depart from this earth. No, that doesn’t bother me because I know where I’ll be after I die and what happens on earth after that will not be of concern to me.

No, what I’m afraid of is something happens to me RIGHT NOW and I died, and no one knew. For years. This is what happens when you’re single and read news reports of people dying and no one knowing they were missing.

Out of sight, out of mind.

When I read about how people accidentally die IN THEIR HOME and they aren’t found for months, even years that really scares me. Did not a single person think to go check up on them? Did these people not have friends? Did they not have family nearby? Did they have so little impact on this world that not a single person cared to see what happened to them?

I know I have this fear because I’m single. I don’t have anyone constantly keeping track of where I am. I could go on a drive and disappear and no one would know. I’ve been tempted to just stop posting on Facebook, Twitter, all the rest of my social media, not answer my phone,  and just disappear to see if anyone would notice. Part of me is terrified to do this because I’m afraid that no one would. The funny part is that I have had friends who have done this. They purposely wanted to disappear and when I did try to contact them, they actually got annoyed that I did because they wanted to be left alone. You just can’t win can you?

However, I realize that this is a completely selfish fear. I know this. And I know this because I think about this song.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone

I don’t have to choose to isolate myself. As an extrovert, that would actually kill me faster to force myself to be alone all the time. Spiritually, I know I’m not alone. And physically, I can choose to not be a hermit. I mean, hopefully people would discover me after 5 days?

In the meantime, that’s also a good reminder for me to check in with other people. Just to see how they’re doing. Even if people are complete introverts and have horrible social anxiety, I would like to believe that one still wants to know that at least there is someone out there who cares to see how you’re doing. I just need to not fear.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

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Living on a Prayer

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This past Sunday at church, my pastor finished up his series on prayer. The takeaway from the message was “Why does all hell break loose when we try to enter into prayer? Because prayer is war, and the lack of prayer is nothing less than a declaration of independence from God.”

And it’s so true. When one prays, you get distracted a lot. Random stuff pops up in your head and you get distracted. You feel it can get boring. You get tired. You never seem to find the time to do it. Sometimes you just don’t want to do it at all. But prayer is how we connect with God.

There have been times in my life when I’ve felt God telling me that I need to pray with him. Not AT him. But with him. Because he wants to share that time with me. And usually he’ll make it so I’m basically forced to do it and there’s no way to get out of it. I’ve mentioned this before but my best prayer times usually happen when I’m driving in rush hour traffic. When you’re sitting there not moving, there are no distractions to keep you from talking to God.

Two years ago today, I started a prayer journal that I kept for a week based around a specific prayer. Now I’d been journaling on and off for a while but never had I kept a journal specifically for prayer. That week however I was going through a very emotional time that was causing me to question a lot of things. And there was much fear and confusion. I felt like God was pushing at me to come closer to him instead of withdrawing because of the uncertainty.

And then one morning on my commute to work, I prayed and I just talked to God and let it all out. People next to me probably thought I was crazy because it looked like I was talking to myself. I didn’t care. This is what I recorded later.

4/16 – Day 1 – Surrender

I’m really not sure why I am doing this but this idea came to me while praying so I have a feeling that God wants me to write down my thoughts, fears, hopes, etc.  during this week.  I have never really kept a prayer journal so I don’t know if I am doing the right thing but if God wants me to have a record of this then I am sure that I will end up saying the right things.

Right now I’m listening to “Your Love Never Fails”…which is one of my go to songs when I am feeling down but it’s a REALLY good song about trusting in God and knowing he never leaves you.  “You make all things work together for my good” is the lyric that is now standing out to me the most.  In that God is working everything together behind the scenes even though I have no idea what is going on.

And right now I have a lot of fears regarding this upcoming week.  I have no idea what is going to happen.  I cannot see how anything good can come out of this week.

I am surrendering everything regarding this situation over to you God. I am scared, terrified, afraid, worried but you know what? I trust you in all this.  You know exactly what is going on, what will happen.  You know my fears.  You know everything that is going on in our hearts and minds right now as I type this.  I cannot control anything.  I have to turn it all over to you.

But as I was saying, I really think that God wants me to do this.  It doesn’t seem possible, and I am severely doubting this, but I feel that God is telling me that if I can trust in him this week and give myself over to him then the outcome will be good.  I don’t know exactly what that means but that’s how I feel.  And yet at the same time, I am like, there is NO WAY anything good can come out of this week!  so it’s this mass of conflictedness where I am trusting God completely with unknown results.  and i am TERRIFIED!!!!!!  but you know what? God is good. He has yet to fail me and i do not believe he is going to start now (or ever).  so i am praying to surrender.  give up this fear, doubt, uncertainty and turn it over completely to God.

my goal for this journal is to write about my prayers for the next 7 days.  i need to be consistent in doing this.  they don’t have to be long entries but do need to be honest and written from the heart. therefore when I look back on this in the future, no matter what the outcome is, i want to see how my faith grew.  it’s almost like a challenge that I am taking God up on.  i honestly believe that in one week, when i read this again things will be different. and for the better.  This is the most I have ever done in my spiritual walk with God.  And as scared and terrified as i am, I am also excited for the outcome.

 

Then over the course of the next few days, God and I had a lot of praying time over issues such as trust, blessings, clarity/wisdom, self worth, and fears. By spending each morning praying with him and having no distractions, I felt God really speaking to me and working in my life. I discovered scripture that I had never really noticed before that suddenly had an impact in my life. As a music lover, I found songs that matched the topic of each day perfectly. I thought I was going to spend the week praying for someone else. Instead I spent the entire week learning more about myself and my own relationship with God.

4/22 – Day 7 – Acceptance

Well here we are.  The evening of the last day of this challenge.  Wow it’s been quite the week.  Seriously it’s been very interesting.  It’s been totally a week where I have put God first and not anything else.  It’s been crazy how different my entries have been since when I first started.  Looking back, that first entry is filled with terror. I totally remember how I was feeling that day and before.  I was scared to death.  And now…I have to accept whatever comes my way.

Oh Lord, please help me right now.  I need to trust in you.  i can’t do this without you.  I want to do this but I have to have faith in you.  That you will guide me in the right direction and you know what is best for me.  Even though I can’t see it now or in the future, you do.  You are the everlasting God.  You love me more than anything.  Help me learn to trust in you completely.  Help me learn to put what is important first.

I think it is time for me to go to bed.  Whatever tomorrow brings, it is your will Lord.  And I will accept it.  Thank you for everything.

Two years later, I’m rereading over those entries and I see how God answered those prayers. And how that very night after I went to bed slightly scared and worried but still trusting in him, when I woke up the next morning God answered one of my prayers as if he was saying “See, you have nothing to be afraid of.” Ever since then, prayer isn’t difficult for me anymore. And while there will be always ups and downs, I will always have this physical record for me to look back and remember how God answered my prayers.

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Want. Ask. Receive?

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This past week I was watching my favorite miniseries of all time, Jesus of Nazareth. Even though I own it on DVD, I was super excited to find out that it was on Netflix. But then I got really irritated because for unknown reasons, they chose a version that is edited a lot, like over an hour of stuff missing. Luckily, I happened to find another (legal) version online. If you haven’t seen it, it’s magnificent. There are so many classic movie stars that have guest roles and the actor that plays Jesus is spectacular. The movie keeps very close to Scripture, though there are some changes and they do leave things out, but I don’t find this a problem at all. And fun fact, the Monty Python movie Life of Brian used the same sets when they filmed their movie.

Anyways while I was watching, one of the scenes seemed to jump out at me. It involved Jesus speaking to the crowds basically telling them this passage:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11)

So that got me thinking. The Lord gives us what we ask for, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to get everything that we want. I’ve reached the age where I now have several friends who are parents and I’m watching them handle their children. Even when their child is yelling and begging for something, the parents don’t necessarily give it to them because they know what’s best for their child. Sure it might make the kid hate the parent for a little bit and be very angry at them, but that doesn’t mean that they have to have it at the moment. There are many reasons why they weren’t given what they wanted: it wasn’t time yet for it, it wasn’t meant for them to have, it’s not safe, they weren’t meant to have it at all. The parent, because they are wiser, is making choices that is best for their child even though the child doesn’t realize it at the moment.

And that’s what happens in the rest of our lives. We can pray and beg God to have something happen because we really want it to. And we’re convinced that it’s best for us and surely God can see how getting this will be absolutely beneficial to everyone. When we don’t get it, we get angry at God because he didn’t allow it to happen.

There’s been many times in my life when I just get flat out frustrated with God because I don’t understand why things aren’t going the way I want. I have many questions that I ask him. “What will happen? Why am I going through this? What do I do? What do you want me to do?” And I can’t understand why he’s making me go through certain things. But as the Scripture says, if a parent who is imperfect knows what is best for their child, shouldn’t I trust that my Heavenly Father who IS perfect knows what’s best for me? If I’m going to place my faith and trust in him, then I should understand and realize that my wants and desires may not always be what God knows that I need.

The hard part can be when it’s not clear at the moment why I can’t have that desire but eventually “peace comes not from knowing what lies ahead, but knowing that God is the same before, during and after whatever it is.” (http://www.boundless.org/faith/2009/god-told-me)

And who says movies are only good for mindless entertainment and don’t get you to ponder things?

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Online Dating is not all it’s cracked up to be

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So I finally caved. I signed up to do online dating.

While online dating doesn’t have the negative stigma it used to have, it still can feel like a last resort. While I do know several folks who have gotten together because of online dating, in my close group of friends, all of them met their significant others the old-fashioned way. When you’re the only one who can’t, it makes you feel like a pariah and that going online means you’re doing the last ditch attempt.

It’s also really interesting reading all the different Christian perspectives on online dating. Some are completely against it because it means you’re trying to control God’s will. Others are like it’s just a tool that can help you. Some are completely against women doing any of the initiating while others are completely against it.

It was a somewhat reluctant choice. I kinda felt like I had made a promise with God that I’d do it if nothing happened in a relationship that I was hoping.

But anywho as I was saying, I had kept stalling on signing up for an account because I wanted to see if God would let all this happen on its own. Finally it got to the point where I felt God just telling me “Trust me with this.” And a situation happened where I realized that I couldn’t wait around any longer. I figured “ok, let’s get this out of the way and see if it works.”

I started up first by signing up for a free week’s trial on Match.com. I had my friends help me with my account because I’m horrible at describing myself. After the account was made, we were looking around and were like “Where are all these guys in real life who say on here that they are Christian?” The week went by with nothing really going anywhere. I do have a story that comes out of this experience but that’s for another time.

I looked at the Christian dating sites but those seemed sparsely populated and with guys with names such as “GodzGift2Women”. So that was a no go.

I had also registered for a free trial on Eharmony. I didn’t sign up immediately since it was PRICEY. But I kept getting emails that kept lowering and lowering the price. Finally they dropped it down to 8.99 a month for three months AND I could sign up right after New Year’s which had been my plan all along. So I did. I actually knew people who had gotten married because of Eharmony and for what I was looking for, it seemed more compatible for me.

Har har har.

What were my thoughts and experiences after three months? Well. I’m still single. I never went out on a single date. I never even finished a full communication with a single guy. GO ME.

During the first month I had my restrictions pretty tight. It was highly important for me to meet someone who was a Christian, 26-34, drank occasionally, had no kids, valued education very important, and lived 30 miles away from me. As I’m in the DC metro area, I figured that shouldn’t be hard to find a guy who fits all that. Apparently it is. The first two weeks there were barely any matches for me and Eharmony kept telling me I needed to loosen up with my restrictions. Ok, fine I’ll open it up to 60 miles. Again since I lived in the DC area, there should be a ton of guys. Nope, still not getting a lot of matches. FINE. I changed my settings to 120 miles even though Eharmony kept telling me to make it at least 300 miles. Now we’re starting to get somewhere except a lot of these matches seemed to be in Pennsylvania which is at least 2 hours drive for me. And even then there STILL weren’t a lot of matches. So I finally loosened up my education to slightly important. BOOM. Apparently that was the key factor as a lot of guys don’t value education as important as I do, as least on this site.

  • I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I kept getting matched with guys who were inactive or I’m just incredibly ugly or something but in 3 months, I got maybe 20-25 profile views. That’s it.
  • I got one communications request that fizzled out after I sent (as prompted by the site) these open ended questions (1. Open your fridge and name the first 3 things you see. 2. What are you currently geeking out over right now? 3. Describe a time that God has been awesome in your life.) vs the stupid bland questions Eharmony suggested. My questions weren’t hard and if that disinterests you, you are definitely not for me.
  • I sent out about five smiles to guys I thought were interesting and no response, no profile view, nothing from them.
  • I looked at a guy’s profile and immediately he closed out the match. I looked at the profiles at about 80% of the matches that I got and 95% of them never looked back.
  • I sent out the 5 question getting to know you to six guys I thought was interesting. Two closed out the match to block me. (To make things awkward, that following Sunday one of them showed up in my church. I have no idea if he’s been there all along or if he just started coming but I just found it really weird.) Before I canceled my membership, there were still four guys who never responded at all to my icebreaker. What kills me is they all say they were “active today”. I have no idea what that actually means and if they were really online and just ignoring me.
  • One of the guys I got matched with was supposed to have been the roommate of the guy that through circumstance caused me to signup for online dating in the first place. What are the odds of that? (No worries, he had an inactive profile)

I’m slightly confused as to all the stories of people who I’ve read both sides of who should do the initiating on online dating sites. From the Christian perspective alone, I was told to go ahead and send messages as well as to let the guy be the one that does all the initiating. Well to be honest, at the rate I’m going, if I just sit and wait for the guy, I’m not even going to be looked at. I can understand if you clicked on my profile and weren’t interested after getting to read me. I also want to know all these women who supposedly get so many messages they don’t know what to do.

Did I ever really think I’d find “the one” online? Not really. I just thought that I’d at least get SOME interaction on here. Instead all it’s done is just leave me quite frustrated and not as hopeful. I’ve come to the conclusion that either something was horribly wrong with me or I just kept getting matched with guys who were inactive or only had the freebie accounts and couldn’t really see or do anything (or perhaps they were dead). As for the guy that just stopped responding, I have no idea. It’s just really frustrating that it’s hyped so heavily and yet nothing came out of it at all.

Sure you can argue that I only tried it for three months and it’s an investment. But, if after three months, not a single thing happened, you can’t guarantee that anything is going to happen and I don’t want to waste my money on this kind of uncertainty. I could go to free sites but I’m not feeling any sense of rush or urgency at the moment.

So, what now? Well, nothing really. I just have to wait and trust. Will I try this ever again? Maybe. We’ll see. (Lower price might help.) But I feel that God just wanted me to try it, he didn’t guarantee anything would happen. I just need to trust and see what’s going to happen next.

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When Your Heart’s Desires Become Your Heart Idols

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So this the last in the series of recapping the women’s retreat I went to a few weeks ago. There was so much that I got out of it that of course I had to share it. If you haven’t already, feel free to check out my posts on forgiveness, jealousy, and bacon (aka an overview of the retreat).

When you think about idols, usually what comes to mind is some big tall statue or perhaps the golden calf. We joke about what and who we idolize, basically what is the most important things in our lives.

According to Shawn Lantz, the speaker at the retreat, the definition of idolatry is “centering our attention and affection on something or someone other than God himself.” Or basically what has become the most important focus in your life to the point where everything else has taken a backseat and you can’t see clearly anymore.  “I’m blind when I pursue other things that I think will satisfy me.”

She talked about exposing heart idols and gave these as an example

  • Control/Power
  • Comfort/Security
  • Approval/Affirmation

Our idols always demand a sacrifice. Our idols cannot be removed; they must be replaced.

When I look at that list, five out of the six apply to me. I can honestly say that I do not need power. It really is something that has never been tempting to me. I don’t want it. I don’t need to be in the top position because I know all the negative side effects that come with that. Honestly if that was ever granted to me as a superpower, I would turn it down. I do not and never will crave power.

However as for the others? *grimace*

With certain aspects in my life, those five heart idols definitely come into play. Probably because of how my life has been and wheres it’s going, these things are painful to admit at how important they’ve become in my life.

  • Control – I don’t necessarily want to have power, but I would like it when things go according to plan. MY PLAN.
  • Comfort – I don’t like being in situations that make uncomfortable and awkward.
  • Security – I want to know that I’m safe and will be taken care of. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been left alone.
  • Approval – I want to know that you like me and I haven’t made you mad. I don’t want to be a bother.
  • Affirmation – I want to know that you want to be with me because you want to and not because you have to.

While each of these can start off being just simple requests, it’s very easy to see how they can overtake you and especially when you combine a lot of them. You begin thinking, oh if I just get this then everything will become better and I’ll be happy. But the eyes of man are never satisfied and the heart is always longing.

Are there things in my life that I want right now? Yes. Have I placed very high importance levels on them? Yes. Will they completely satisfy all the heart idols’ desires and wants? Nope.

I know for me at least, I’m glad that I recognize that these are issues in my life. I’ve acknowledged them and though it makes me feel vulnerable, I know that by realizing what I need to work on is what is going to help me.

All who make idols are nothing,
    and the things they treasure are worthless.
Those who would speak up for them are blind;
    they are ignorant, to their own shame. (Isaiah 44:9)

“Remember these things, Jacob,
    for you, Israel, are my servant.
I have made you, you are my servant;
    Israel, I will not forget you.
 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
    your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
    for I have redeemed you.” (Isaiah 44:21-22)

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Hey Jealousy

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It’s so easy to get jealous. And it’s also crazy the thing small tiny things we get jealous over.

Shawn Lantz, the speaker at the women’s retreat, spent a lot of the first session talking about this. Because as women, we tend to get jealous a lot. And it’s become a stereotype for us. I personally do believe that men get jealous as well, but they are less willing to admit it, at least not publicly. But for women, it’s so present in our lives every day about how we compare ourselves to each other and feel like we can never measure up. It’s a never ending battle we have with each other and with our own selves.

To highlight some of the things Shawn talked about, everything she said specifically will be in quotes.

Four core issues that a jealous heart wrestles with

God, can I trust you?
God, do you love me?
God, are you good?
God, are you just?

“There is no shame in admitting I struggle with jealousy.”

One of the things Shawn mentioned is how it can be easier to admit you have an anger issue than a jealousy problem. And I think that’s true. We’ve been ingrained throughout our entire lives that jealously is wrong and we shouldn’t be feeling it. But yet it still happens. For example, Facebook is the best way to make yourself feel inadequate. Look at all the things other people are doing! They got engaged! They got married! They bought a house! They are pregnant! They had a boy! They had a girl! They went on vacation! They look perfect! And then we feel like we have to one up them….or just give up and admit defeat that we will never have lives as good as theirs look. I probably should just stop using Facebook for a while but I’m not ready to yet.

Maybe there are some people who never have to deal with jealousy. And kudos to them for honestly feeling that way. That’s awesome that you have found a way to never compare yourself to others and want things others have. I’m jealous of you for being that way. HAH.

I had a discussion with one of my girlfriends about how jealously in western culture tends to be visually based. We get jealous of material items and body images because that’s what society throws at us. I do believe however that jealously is universal though. In other parts of the world there’s a different type of jealousy. I think humans crave emotional affection and attention so if we don’t get that, there’s always going to be some sort of envy.

A personal confession? I get jealous. It can be a struggle right now with all my friends who are in relationships and I’m not after attempts to have relationships keep failing. Every time I receive news that a friend gets engaged, while I’m extremely happy for them, I break down into tears. I’m jealous that they have found someone who chooses to love them. And I want that so badly and it hurts when it won’t happen. I feel like something is wrong with me and wonder what they have that I don’t.

But the thing is I also know that even if I get this one thing fulfilled, if not handled correctly and I don’t fix where my heart is, my jealousy won’t stop there. Because people who are dating get jealous of people who get engaged. People who are engaged get jealous of those who are getting married before them. People who are married get jealous of those who are single. People who aren’t pregnant yet get jealous of those who are pregnant. People are pregnant are jealous of those who have easier pregnancies than they do. People who have boys get jealous of those who have girls and vice versa. People who have kids get jealous of those who don’t have kids. People get jealous of those who have bought houses, cars, vacations, etc.

There are so many things we get jealous over. And it’s never going to end.

I wonder sometimes how could anyone possibly be jealous of me? I don’t have my life together at all. I never have anything interesting happen in my life. I’ve had really bad things happen in my life. What could you possibly think is awesome in my life that is not in yours? Not trying to be cynical here.

Comparison – we become disgruntled with what once made us content

We believe that our obedience entitles us to more than what we were promised

We want God’s blessings to us to match our desires and/or sense of justice.

Since I struggle with this from time to time, I know at least for me I have to just admit I feel this way vs hide it under a rug and ignore it. And when I admit it, then at least I can face the problem and try to fix it. What usually ends up happening is when I feel it’s getting too bad, I pray a lot.  God shows me what I can be grateful for, but not in a way that makes me feel guilty.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25-26)

Jealousy is ugly. It’s not becoming and it’s not a quality trait. I’m not going to lie and say that I never have it. I just need to deal with it in a more positive way.

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That Time God Helped Me Be Able to Forgive

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Here’s that serious post about the retreat (though I mean bacon can also be serious) I said I was going to write.

As I said, this was my second time going to a women’s retreat from my church. When I went last year, I really needed it. I had just found out that I didn’t get the job I had set my heart on hours before the retreat started and I was so incredibly down that I almost contemplated not going. But God, in his infinite wisdom, knew what I needed that night and I was so glad that I ended up going. When the topic for this year was announced, “Living With Unmet Desires”, I was like “SIGN ME UP NOW.”

There were so many topics that were shared that I may write several posts about them over the next couple of weeks. That’s what I love about going to these retreats, all the things I learn.

Right now the topic that is sticking to me the most was the session on forgiveness. Because I feel that is what God has been hitting at me the hardest. The speaker gave us this definition of forgiveness: “The relinquishment of my right for revenge against someone who has wronged me.” She spoke about how there are times when the person who has wronged us has no idea that we are struggling with forgiving them. That we will spend hours imagining scenarios where we confront them or have them come begging us to forgive them and we turn them away. And I realize that is something I am really struggling with right now. And I have been for a while.

I felt God speaking to me throughout the weekend that this is something that I need to do. And that it’s holding me back because I’m not letting it go. A paraphrase of something else that jumped out at me from the session: “Your deliverance is going to come through what you suffer through if you allow yourself to trust God fully through it.”

And therefore this is what I felt compelled to do after a lot of prayer over the past few days.

Dear Person who I need to forgive,

You may or may not ever read this. You also may or may not realize that I’m talking about you. There is also an even bigger chance that you may not realize that you hurt me (or maybe you do, and you just don’t care). But that’s ok. It actually doesn’t really matter if you do or not any of these things. Because when it all comes down to it, it’s between me and God and not really between me and you. I don’t really need to tell you to your face that you hurt me or that I even want to forgive you. I just need to actually do it.

A lot of things have been holding me back from doing it. Pride is probably the biggest one. I’ve been feeling that if I forgive you and let it go, it means that you “won”, that you got a free pass, and it won’t ever bother you. Meanwhile it left me hurting even when I tried not to let it. And I was afraid that I needed to be free from the hurt before I could forgive you and the hurt wasn’t going away to allow me to get to that point. To some people what you did probably wouldn’t be a big deal to them and they would just wave it off and move on. But for me, it reopened up wounds that weren’t completely healed yet and it exposed my vulnerability which left me raw and weak and angry. And even though I hid it all on the outside so no one could tell, on the inside there was a lot of emotional turmoil that left me feeling bitter and resentful towards you.

But I don’t want to hold on to that bitterness anymore. I don’t want it to keep building to where it eventually takes over and I forget about why I was even angry/hurt to begin with. It may not ever be in God’s plan for me to ever discuss this particular situation with you or even talk to you again. But I have to let this go. It may not be doing any harm other than to me right now, but if I continue to leave it as an untreated wound, it will grow and fester and becoming poisonous.

I prayed about this a lot today while driving. And I said to God, “This is something you have to help me with. This is something I’m going to struggle with. And I know that I’m going to need help because I will be tempted in the future to want to start feeling bitter and angry. But I don’t want to anymore. I want to be free from this. I don’t want to be trapped in this box anymore. I can’t do this on my own. I want to forgive. Help me do this.”

Then “Stronger” by Matthew West came on the radio

Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

…I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough

I’d like to say that immediately everything was all better and I’ll be perfectly fine from now on whenever I see you or if you ever cross into my mind. But that’s probably not true and I’ll be lying. But I can say that, I do feel a lot better now. And with God’s help, I’ll let go and one day I’ll look back and even though I may never know why all this happened, I’ll understand that it was all part of his plan. And I’ll learn from it. And I’ll be ok.

I don’t need to justify why I did this. And for the record it’s not to just make myself feel better or to shame you or anything. You don’t even need to apologize for anything. I’m doing it because I know I need to forgive, as Jesus has done for me.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

So, person I need to forgive, I’ve forgiven you.

Thank you.

Deborah

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You either like something. Or you don’t.

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There are three levels of how people deal with “there’s a thing I don’t like which pretty much everybody else likes” syndrome:

1) “I guess it’s just not my thing.” This is fine.

2) “I don’t like it, and I honestly can’t understand why anyone would.” This can be dangerous, but it’s okay if you’ve made a serious attempt to figure out the appeal and genuinely can’t understand it.

3) “I don’t like it, and nobody else REALLY likes it. They only think/claim they do because [rationalizations]….”. Don’t do this. Don’t be this guy.

The above is taken from a recent Facebook post from my friend at Grading Fight Scenes. And he pretty much said verbatim the thoughts I’ve been having lately.

I have been noticing lately how vocal people are when they don’t like something. When they have something on their mind, they just jump right out and say it. They are much more outspoken than I am. If I don’t like something, I have the type of personality where I worry that I am offending someone so I usually tend to keep it on the inside.

But as I’m reading more social media, whether it’s on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, etc. I’m seeing more and more of people who just say how much they hate something and don’t care at all what other people think.

For example this past week, the Oscars were happening. And I was very excited about them and I live tweeted through them. It was a lot of fun interacting with other people across the world and also because I was watching it alone, it just was nice to know that somewhere someone was able to share my thoughts. I did warn my readers in advance that I was doing this because I didn’t want to bug them. I also did the same thing during the Olympics. Things I get very excited about I like sharing with other people. Not because my thoughts are SUPER IMPORTANT but because I know that I can reach out and be social with them.

I don’t expect other people to share in my excitement because not everyone likes the same things as I do and nor do I anyone else’s. But when I see people posting comments, tweets, blog posts, or even say in person how much they hate these things and how they can’t stand when “such and such event happens” because it ruins everything for them, it makes me feel like I’m doing something horribly wrong for liking what I do. And then they proceed to go on about why they hate such things and why anyone who likes them are bad people. I’m like….what have I done to make you hate me so much???

But like I said that’s my personality. Even if I truly hate how you’re behaving, if you’re disgusting me and offending me horribly, unless you’re doing it in my face in person, I just usually let it go. I can always choose to not look at Twitter or Facebook. I can unfollow or block you. I don’t have to let your personal likes, enthusiasm, or mood get in the way of what I want to do. I make the choice to let it go versus just sit there and complain and insult others for what they want to do.  I don’t want you to know that I can’t handle it because your response would probably be the same as mine, just deal with it. However, I’m never going to tell you this to your face, nor am I going to spew this out anytime I see this on social media. Because I know it will offend folks and/or be taken the wrong way.

So I’ll be honest. When it comes to saying what you don’t like, I think it’s all in HOW you say it. According to the list, I’m a total number 1 person. I will let you know that I don’t like something so that you are aware. I won’t ever try to make you feel bad about why you like something nor will I claim that you don’t really like something and are faking it. But that’s just me.

Feel free to greatly dislike something. It’s your right. I just wish sometimes other people would just realize that everyone has different tastes and it’s ok that we all don’t like the same thing. Don’t get so worked up when unprovoked about it and try to immediately defend why you don’t like something or shoot down everyone else that does. Just…..let it go. It’s going to be ok.

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Your word is your bond. Or is it?

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“That’s a piecrust promise. Easily made. Easily broken.” – Mary Poppins

How often do you make promises you can’t keep? How often do you tell someone you’re going to do something but you don’t really mean it? How do you feel when other people do that to you?

It’s really easy in this day and age to tell people you’re going to do something, but you don’t actually do it. Maybe you forgot you made that promise, maybe you never intended on doing it in the first place. I mean one of the biggest things people do all the time is say they’re going to pray for you but it’s more out of courtesy than actually meaning it.

Why do we make promises we know we’re not going to keep? Is it to be polite? Is it to make ourselves look good? Is it to get out of situation and buy some time? Do you find yourself being pressured to making promises when caught off guard?

On the other hand, how should we hold accountability to those who make promises? Whose responsibility is it to follow up? Is the other person lying when they say they’re going to do something but don’t follow through? Do you just hope that the other person forgot about it and never bring it up again in hopes that it will just get swept under a rug and you can be like “whew! i got away with that! I’m never doing that again!”?

Personally I don’t know. I know I get frustrated when this happens to me. Especially when I know sometimes these people will actually keep their promises to other people but won’t for me. It hurts. And it doesn’t help me to trust them. It also can hurt when someone says they’re a Christian and then continually keep breaking their promises especially since..well if you believe the Bible it says this:

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. (Matthew 5:37)

I will not violate my covenant or alter what my lips have uttered. (Psalm 89:34)

When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. (Numbers 30:2)

But you know? We’re humans. We all mistakes. And even though sometimes you can’t understand why someone would make a promise that they don’t intend on keeping, you just have to let it go. Because of who we are and because of how the world is, this will always happen. No one will ever keep ALL the promises they make. Not even the people you love.

Is this meant to say that you can never trust anyone? That everyone will fail you? Not really. I mean, you’re not even going to live up to what you want someone else to be. And isn’t that funny? We’ll hold someone else to a higher standard than we ourselves can never live up to.

There is hope though. One, think of your word as gold. Would you give away your gold so easily? Exactly. Also your word builds up your reputation. Maybe you don’t care, but do you really want to be known as someone who is consistently breaking their word?Even if you are good at keeping your word for business, your personal reputation can precede you. Also quite a bunch of good advice in this article for the gents: “Real Men Keep Their Word.”

And also for me, I’ve chosen to put my faith and trust in God. I know he’ll keep his promises.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

People are going to fail me. And sometimes it’s not going to make sense as to why someone will (or why they keep doing it) and it’s going to hurt. But I know God’s not going to break his promise to me. And that is something I know I can always depend on.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

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The Bible on the big screen? BRING IT.

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So more fun again with talking about faith and entertainment.

It’s a well known fact that when it comes to translating the Bible into works of art, there is always much debate over how it’s done. Whether it’s in books or movies, when you take the Bible and transfer it to a different medium there are always going to be people who find this offensive and sacrilegious no matter how well it’s done.

Me personally: unless something goes so far off the deep end that it really feels like the author/director is purposely mocking my faith with their work, then I really have no problems with creative license. My faith is strong enough that one movie or book isn’t going to shatter it.

I’ve been looking forward to seeing the movie Noah directed by Darron Aronofsky that’s coming out at the end of March. The story of Noah is well known to anyone and it hasn’t been done SO many times that it’s repetive. The cast list is fantastic (Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson) and Aronofsky is an awesome award winning director. I’m really excited that this is being done as a Hollywood movie because that means that the special effects, acting, and directing will actually be GOOD. Because I’m sorry, 9 times out of a 10, a movie made by Christians just doesn’t have the same artistic value.

In an article posted in The Hollywood Reporter, Aronofsky was quoted as saying:

“We wanted to smash expectations of who Noah is. The first thing I told [star] Russell [Crowe] is, ‘I will never shoot you on a houseboat with two giraffes behind you.’ … You’re going to see Russell Crowe as a superhero, a guy who has this incredibly difficult challenge put in front of him and has to overcome it. … I had no problem completely honoring and respecting everything in the Bible and accepting it as truth. … For people who are very literal-minded, it would be great to communicate that the themes of the film are very much in line with the themes of the Bible—ideas about hope, second chances and family. If they allow that, they’re going to have an incredible experience with the movie. If they don’t allow it, it’s theirs to lose.”

Now for me personally, I’m perfectly fine with his explanation and I’m ready to see what he’ll bring to the table to the story. Because for me, even though the story of Noah is in the Bible, there’s still a whole bunch that’s missing. This is why I like Biblical fiction because you can expound on the lives of the characters that the Bible leaves out. And for me as long as accurate historical research is done (that’s the historian in me), I’m fine with creative licensing to flesh out the characters and make their stories come alive. My only quip would be if they got things historically accurate, and I’m a bit surprised that most of the cast is white, but as long as the story is good, I’m ok with that.

But not everyone agrees with me. I’ve been reading comments where people are already planning on boycotting because they feel that nothing should be added to the story. And how it’s sacrilegious to bring this on the screen. Many of these comments are from Christians, who from what I can tell seem to be VERY conservative in their thinking and to me seem a little close minded. They don’t want to give it a chance. The comments then becoming judgemental and honestly a little ignorant and the legalism in these folks makes me want to keep slamming my head on a desk.

Which then frustrates me because these are the same people that complain that Hollywood will not ever cater to those who are Christians. Yet here again is Hollywood putting out a movie by a well known and respected director who is saying that he DOES accept the Bible as truth, and Christians immediately want to boycott without seeing anything. And you wonder why Hollywood doesn’t put out faith based movies? Because when they test the waters, YOU RUN AWAY FROM IT.

Here’s the other thing. The story of Noah is from the Old Testament which is really the Torah which is of course the Jewish holy book. Aronofsky was raised Jewish so he knows the stories. I think some Christians tend to forget that what is in the Bible isn’t 100% just for Christians. While I’m not denying at all that what is in the Bible isn’t truth and God’s word, there’s also a lot more that happened in those stories that we just don’t know because we weren’t there. I don’t believe it’s “adding to the word of God” anymore than I felt The Da Vinci Code did. I’m strong enough in my faith to not believe that one movie or story is going to wreck it.

And that’s why I’m looking forward to this movie and any other Biblical adaption that’s coming out this year. For me personally, these things will always be a good discussion starter. I don’t come out of any movie automatically believing what I’ve seen is true. I am not the person that instantly believes everything I hear or see. And if this movie can bring this story to life and eventually change lives, I’m all for it. If it’s just entertainment to me, I’m still all for it. I’m just not going to immediately boycott something BEFORE it even comes out because it may or may not be what I want it to be.

So while there will probably be a lot of Christians that refuse to see this movie, you can count on this one Christian that’s going to be there. At the Alamo Drafthouse. Eating endless bowls of popcorn with butter. Anyone want to join me?