Author Archives: Deborah Khuanghlawn

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Silence is Golden…or is it?

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What’s your relationship with silence?

  • I enjoy it
  • I want more of it in my life
  • I like a little background noise
  • I am uncomfortable with it

Silence can be both a blessing and a curse.

When you live with constant noise all the time, you crave silence. You want peace and quiet and you don’t want to be distracted by anything. Getting away from everything helps out a lot. You need to find a place where you can relax and just bask in the sounds of nothingness. Going away on a retreat can really help with this. By turning off your cell phones and not checking in with the rest of the world can be the most refreshing thing you can ever do. I’ve been in the mountains of West Virginia where it is absolutely silent. When the night arrives and the stars come out and are RIGHT THERE, with all the quiet surrounding me I feel really close to God. I welcome the silence then.

But then there are times when silence feels like a curse. These times basically come during times of waiting. (I am sensing a repeating theme here). When you are waiting to hear if you got the job or not. When you’re waiting to see if people will respond to an RSVP. When you’ve contacted someone and you’re waiting for them to reply with a text or call.  When you’ve never gone more than a few days without talking to someone who’s been extremely close to you, and then suddenly they disappear completely out of your life and you have no idea why or what happened. That’s when silence become your enemy. The silence can be suffocating. It feels like you can’t push it away not matter how hard you try. You feel trapped in it and the quiet and stillness that you once welcomed for its comfort now has got a death grip on you. It’s filled with so many unanswered questions as you sit there and wait and don’t hear anything. The quiet that was once peaceful is now so loud with the sound of uncertainty, fear, and doubt.

And then there’s silence from God:

  • “Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1)
  • “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:1-2)
  • “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.” (Psalm 22:1-2)
  • To you, Lord, I call; you are my Rock, do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who go down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. (Psalm 28:1-2)

Even King David felt that there were times when God seemed so far away. When you feel like your prayers are just going to the ceiling and you’re not getting any feedback. How many times have you cried out to God only to not hear back anything? And it’s frustrating when you want an answer…any answer. Yes or no. Just a sign to know that he’s there and you’re not just saying words to the air. “Lord, just throw me a bone here! Give me something to work with!”

And yet it’s in that very painful and raw silence that God works the most in you. I don’t know about you but even though I’m not getting an answer immediately, I’m still continuing to keep turning to God. Unlike human beings, God has not left me and he hasn’t forsaken me. God is never too busy for me when I need to talk to him. He’s not going to leave me hanging and wondering if I’ve done something to offend him or if he just wanted to end our relationship.

Even though I don’t understand at all why things are going in my life the way they are, I know that I can trust in the fact that God DOES know and he is in charge of everything. And because of this truth and faith, I know that there is a reason why he isn’t answering me at this moment. It’s frustrating, yes. And if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I don’t like waiting and I want an answer.

But it doesn’t mean that God will always stay silent. There have been and will be times when God’s answer is so loud and clear that you cannot ignore it no matter how hard you try. And because I know God will always answer, I’ll take his silence for now, until I’m ready for his answer.

  • Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer. (Psalm 4:1)
  • Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. (Psalm 4:3)

Jon Acuff wrote this wonderful (and actually serious) post a while back about The Beautiful Reason God Might Not Be Talking to You Right Now. I love this post so much because it describes my walk with God to a T. Also another excellent article from Relevant, What to Remember When God is Silent.

(PS If you understand the picture in this post, you are awesome and we are friends)

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Tweeting thoughts from someone wiser than me

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If you follow me on twitter (@beatccr for those who don’t), then this post is going to be basically a repeat of things you’ve already seen from my twitter feed.

For the past few months, I’ve been following @thesinglewoman on twitter. Mandy Hale, also know as The Single Woman, is a blogger and author of the book The Single Woman: Life, Love & a Dash of Sass. I’ve really enjoyed her book as it’s been really helpful and inspiring to me over the past few months. She also tweets A LOT of inspiring thoughts, quotes, and excerpts from her book. And I feel like there have been times when the perfect tweet from just jumps out at me. Apparently it’s happened MANY times.

Here’s a list of all the tweets of hers that I’ve retweeted over the past few months. No, I don’t retweet everything. These are just ones that stood out to me, that came at times when I knew I needed to see/hear them.

  • It hurts to let go. It hurts more to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be there.
  • Sometimes all you can do is let go, trusting that if it’s meant to be…it’ll stick around.
  • If you take a chance, good things might happen or bad things might happen. But if you don’t take a chance, nothing happens.
  • I’d rather respect you for hurting me with honesty than resent you for “protecting me” with a lie.
  • The moment will come when you know exactly why things happened as they did.  It may take some time but it will come.
  • You can’t force something to happen. All you can do is surrender and trust that what is meant to be will find a way.
  • When you stop trying to MAKE things happen on your timetable and surrender, you invite God to show up and work miracles.
  • Prayer:  God I trust you to give me what YOU want, when you want according to YOUR plan not mine.
  • The things you don’t stress tend to turn out best. Trust and let go.
  • Sometimes all you can do is let go and let God figure it out for you.
  • Prayer:  God I trust in your plan and I know that everything I don’t understand now will make perfect sense later.
  • You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then breathe and be patient with yourself and your process.
  • “It will all work out in the end. Have faith in your self and leave the rest to God.” – Leon Brown
  • There is no one and no force strong enough to close a door that God intends for you to walk through.
  • It’s better to try and be disappointed than to not try and always wonder.
  • Prayer:  God help me to let go of my need to know what’s going to happen next and to Just. Trust. You.
  • You may not see it or understand it now, but everything in your life is unfolding as it should. Trust the process.
  • Prayer:  Thank you God that things happen when they’re meant to happen, not in my time but at the PERFECT time.
  • When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing. Relax. Breathe. Trust. Let go.
  • Strength is choosing to get up and get on with it even if you never understand why something happened the way it did.
  • Prayer:  God, thank you that I don’t have to stress, rush or force.  What you have for me always arrives right on time.
  • Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop trying to force others to.
  • Be patient. With time, everything becomes clear.
  • We’re not meant to see the picture all at once. God hands us each piece of the puzzle as we’re ready for it.
  • Prayer: God thank you that even when things happen that don’t make sense, I can always trust in your plan.
  • Some things aren’t to be understood. Sometimes you just have to let go and move on, trusting that clarity will come later.
  • If everything you pray for came to you right now, you wouldn’t be able to handle it. Trust in God’s perfect timing.
  • “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” – Douglas Adams
  • When you learn to surrender and let go rather than cling and control, everything falls into place as it should.
  • Prayer:  God, I surrender to your plan, whether it lines up with your completely deviates from my own.
  • If you stopped calling, inviting, doing all the work, would they still be in your life? If the answer is no, let them go.
  • When you step back and look at the big picture, you will see that things happened exactly the way they needed to. TRUST.
  • Sometimes all you can do is sit in the sweet surrender of not knowing how it’s going to turn out, but choosing to be happy anyways.
  • When you stop banging on the closed doors, you give God room to open up the ones you’re meant to walk through.
  • When you let go of what you think is “supposed” to happen you’re free to enjoy whatever DOES happen.
  • Prayer:  God, thank you for bringing me things when I’m ready for them and not one moment sooner.
  • Love can’t be forced Sometimes all you can do is take a step back and let them figure out how they feel.
  • When you accept the things you cannot change, anxiety, worry, and stress disappear.
  • A good way to know who’s really meant to be in your life? Let go and let God decide who stays and who goes.
  • When it seems as nothing is happening, you are in a season of preparation for everything that’s coming next.
  • Never lose hope. Even the most ordinary moment can set the stage for the most extraordinary miracle.
  • You can let go without fear. The only things and people you will lose are the ones that aren’t meant to be there.
  • Faith says that even though you can’t see that breakthrough, that answer, that blessing…it’s on it’s way.
  • It’s often in the moment when you finally surrender and admit that you don’t know what to do that God shows you what to do.
  • Just because it’s not happening the way you thought doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. God loves to do the unexpected.
  • Don’t get discouraged if it seems nothing’s happening. A season of waiting and preparation always precedes the breakthrough.

Again I swear I didn’t retweet everything. These all just happen to be exactly what I needed to hear and read. Though it’s quite scary how much they fit what’s going on in my life. It’s given me a lot to think and pray about as I struggle with and try to understand things that are going on in my life. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to share my stories like this to other folks like she does. But until then, I’ll keep being encouraged and inspired.

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To boldly go, where every other nerd has gone before….

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So even though I’m a huge geek, there are still a bunch of fandoms that I don’t necessarily take part in. This is not to say at all that these fandoms aren’t awesome. It’s just usually I haven’t had much experience with them (though sometimes after I do spend time, I find myself becoming a fan – Doctor Who is a good example) or I just can’t get into no matter how much I try.

And then there are those times when for some weird reason, I end up liking the reboot instead of the long term original classic that has been around for years.  One good example of this is Star Trek. And yes I’m talking about JJ Abram movies.

I’m not a Trekkie at all.  I’ve tried to watch The Original Series and The Next Generation and while I enjoyed a few episodes in both series (I never got around to Voyager, Enterprise or Deep Space Nine) I didn’t feel the urge to start binge watching. When it comes to Star Trek vs. Star Wars, I’ve always been a Star Wars fan. Other than LeVar Burton hosting that episode of Reading Rainbow on TNG set, I never really got excited watching the show.

So it took me completely by surprise that I was excited for the 2009 movie.  I think was mainly because I was a fan of Abrams, thanks to Lost.  Also the cast looked like they would be stellar – Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Eric Bana.  At the time, I had no idea who the guys playing Kirk or Spock were. I didn’t prepare myself, like I normally do with other movies, by watching older episodes of TOS to get myself caught up. I just went in and since I didn’t know much of what was going to happen, I had no expectations to be honest.

Oh wow! I remember walking out of the movie thinking it was awesome and so fun! To this day, it’s one of the movies I love to rewatch.  I found myself sobbing after the prologue when it’s revealed that Kirk’s dad is Thor (seriously, it’s Chris Hemsworth) and I know that if a movie makes me cry, it’s going to be a good one. The action sequences were thrilling, the screenplay witty, and I loved the character development. I walked away being really thrilled about Star Trek for the first time in my life.

It still didn’t make me become a huge fan of the rest of the franchise but I became more appreciative of it as a whole. I knew I was looking forward to the sequel. It was being filmed in IMAX and it had Benedict Cumberbatch in it! Now I haven’t seen Wrath of Khan so about 99% of the references to it were lost on me. But I still had a ton of fun watching it. Action! Humor! An archives! Benedict Cumberbatch! This is the least informative review of a movie ever!

My point in all this is to say that even though it’s not normally my cup of tea, it is possible for someone who’s not normally a fan of a franchise/fandom to enjoy bits and pieces of it. And now that JJ Abrams is going to be directing the new Star Wars movie (thoughts about that later), it’s going to be interesting to see what he does there. Because basically, no one man should have all that power…..

Oh and just because it’s funny. Some spoilers if you still haven’t watched!

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Clenched Fists vs Open Hands

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Letting go of control is hard.

You want your life to go a certain way and you keep trying to do everything you can possible to make it happen. This however can lead to a lot of stress and anxiety in your life.

I think it’s because I’m female that I feel like I need to control things in my life. As women, we sometimes (ok mostly) think that if we had things go our way then everything will run as they should. I know that I tend to let my emotions take control of my actions and reactions, and that in turn causes havoc in my life.

The hardest part of letting go of trying to control everything is basically learning how to trust. For me, that goes back to trusting in God that he can and will handle any situation that I’m finding myself wanting to control. When the anxiety and the stress take over my life, to the point where I’m having panic attacks and freaking out over situations that haven’t and may never happen, then I know that I need to stop.

And the honest truth? It’s hard to not want to control that. When things aren’t going as you originally planned and you’re facing the unexpected unknown, it can get scary. As I’ve said before, I’m not good with not knowing how things are going end up. I want things to go the way I want.

Part of me has always been scared to just let go and let things happen. I have always had this fear that if I didn’t involve myself somehow that nothing would ever get done. For example, one of my biggest fears is that if I wasn’t the one to initiate contact with my friends, that they would never do it themselves and that it was only me that was keeping the friendship going. Soon I realized that if that’s truly the type of person that they are, to quote Incubus, “Goodbye, nice to know you.”

So it has been a bit of a weird day as I continue to write this blog post. I have been struggling for the past couple of days on an issue where I know God has told me to wait and trust him, to let go of the control, and to let him take over. But at the same time, I’ve been wondering if God just wants me to sit there and do nothing. After having a particularly rough night, I woke up the next morning only to have the very first thing I read was my Bible study in the book of James about being in the waiting season and how the growing during the waiting is the hardest part. Because as we’re forced to wait, our grumbling wants to take over.

And then I’ve been like “God, I need to know what to do! Tell me what to do!” as I just sit here twiddling my thumbs. Then this article appears about being active while waiting on God. I realized that God doesn’t want me to just be idle while I wait. If I don’t do anything, how can I grow in trusting God when I just let him do everything for me?

  • “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)
  • “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

“Where is the Lord bringing me low today, so that He might lift me up? What am I clenching in my fist that I refuse to see as His? What is it that I long so desperately to build, to control, to call MINE?” (http://shereadstruth.com/2013/09/10/danielday8/)

I was talking with a close friend in the morning and shared that quote, revealing what exactly I’m holding onto in my clenched fist. And how I felt that even though God has made a promise, he still wants me to step out in faith and trust him.  And I can’t do that, until I let go of what is in my clenched fist. Because basically I am putting God in a box, saying to him, “Hey Lord! Sure I trust you! I know that what you said will come true! But you know, I still want things to go a certain way, so I’m going to hold on to some things here, and we’ll just work around it, ok? You still do your thing, but I’m going to keep this in my grasp while you do that.”

Ok you see what’s wrong with that? That’s not how God works at all. You can’t jump off the diving board if you’re still gripping on to the ladder railings. How can you move on and let God work in your life if you won’t let go? So in my own situation, I’m choosing to let go of something I care deeply about. And it’s scary. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. And I’m about to do something, that I never really wanted to do. But I feel that God just wants me to take this next step.  For all I know, many good things could stem from opening this door and I will never look behind me. Or God may just simply want me to open my hands and release all of the control and the things I want the most that I thought never would happen will happen. I don’t know what he has planned next other than I know that he will be with me every step of the way. That’s the beauty and scary part about all this.

As I said, it’s been continuing to be a weird few days. In the afternoon after I had decided how I was going to react to my situation, this article appears on Relevant‘s website about how to “Seek Impact, Not Attention“. In the middle of my freaking out over the way coincidental timing of the post, this part jumped out at me

In life we can live with clenched fists or open hands. A clenched fist signifies a desire to control, a lack of faith and a reluctance to adapt. Open hands signify a servant’s heart, a faith manifested in Holy Spirit promptings, and a persistent asking of “What now, Abba?”

You cannot move beyond the pursuit of getting noticed while living with clenched fists.

Thank you God for answering my prayers by showing me what I needed to read/hear when I asked for wisdom, clarity, and discernment about how to handle what I am going through. Thank you for showing me what you want me to do.  Help me to keep trusting in you and have my faith remain strong in you. And I know what you have promised me and because of that, I will continue to keep obeying you. I know you will never leave me or forsake me. Help me not to be fearful of what is to come.

I’m about to jump off the diving board. I’m letting go of the ladder. My fists are no longer clenched and I’m opening up my hands. I’m letting go and I’m going to let God.

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  • “When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel.” (Psalm 73:21-24a)
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Where’s the beef?

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Rib Eye Steak November 26th, 2009

If you’ve ever eaten a number of meals with me, you’ll soon discover that I don’t eat a certain type of food.  Except for one incident, I haven’t eaten beef in over six years.

Why, you may ask, would I give up a source of delicious protein that eliminates steaks, corned beef, and hamburgers from my diet?  No, I’m not a vegetarian. It’s not because of religious reasons. And I’m not allergic to it.

Well you see, it’s because of Five Guys. Back when I was studying at Virginia Tech, a new burger place opened in the shopping center across from my apartment. Being completely naive, my boyfriend at the time and I went to eat there soon after they opened and both ordered burgers and two orders of large fries. Now if you have ever eaten there, you will immediately know what our mistake was. There were enough fries to feed half the Virginia Tech football team in that order. But the bacon cheeseburger I got was so delicious. At the time, my experience with burgers had mainly been the fast food kind, meaning I had never really had a real burger. I quickly became quite addicted to them. When I moved back home, I found out that there was a Five Guys that had just opened in the Virginia Beach area (the only one at the time) and I found myself driving out there to get my fix. I soon discovered that eating these burgers was becoming slightly unhealthy for me. And while one may argue there are many things that could have been done, I decided for me that the best way for me to stop was to cut beef out of my diet completely.

One of the last Sundays in September 2007 was when I made the conscious decision not to eat any more beef. I actually had started a few days ago, but after going into a sandwich shop in Richmond I completely forgot that a Reuben was made out of corned beef. It was my last Reuben sandwich and the last time I ate beef for the next six years.

Well I take it back. I was in Philadelphia for a work trip in May 2012, and well, I was in Philly. I had to eat a cheesesteak IN Philly. So we went to Tony Luke’s  where I got a cheesesteak with American cheese. It was pretty good. Nothing spectacular. I was slightly worried that I would get sick afterwards but I ate slowly and all was fine. It didn’t make me crave beef afterwards, and neither do I crave more cheesesteaks. It was one of those, I had do to it at the time moments and now I can cross it off my list.

Are there any times when I do crave beef? Not really. I’ve found that I can find substitutions for almost anything. If I want a burger, there are some really awesome turkey burgers out there. I mean I don’t go crazy and order them every night but they are becoming more mainstream. There are some awesomely delicious ones and then some that taste like dry cardboard. I also might get a veggie or black bean burger if that is a choice as well. And yes, I have been known to order non meat burgers and still ask for bacon on it. Ground turkey (or basically any ground meat) is also a great substitute for any recipe that calls for ground beef. You can’t really tell the difference at all.

Most steakhouses also offer ribs, pork chops, or chicken if you’re not going to order beef. I do love going to Brazilian steakhouses because even though there are all the obvious cuts of beef ready for you, there are plenty of pork, chicken, and lamb options as well. One can easily get stuffed without touching any of the steak at all.

Actually the only thing that you can’t really substitute is corned beef. Missing out on a traditional corned beef dinner on St. Patrick’s Day and all the Reuben sandwiches is a bit tough. I have yet to find another cut of meat that mimics the taste. But it is ok. I’ve lasted 6 years without one. I can go another 6 more. My friends have been pretty awesome with this. I try my darn hardest to not make it an issue since it’s not a health or religious reason for my non-eating. They have been glad to get other options for me and it warms my heart when I hear that turkey burgers or hot dogs were bought specifically for me without asking and it’s not a problem at all. As far as I can tell, I hope I have not been an inconvenience.

So if you dine with me or I feed you, I have no problems with eating beef or cooking it for you. Just be prepared for me not to eat it. And now you know why.

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The True Story of How I Became an Avengers Fan

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Confession: Before 2011, I didn’t know much about comic book superheroes. If you know me now, this might come as a bit of a shock.

I mean I had watched Spiderman, Batman Begins, X-Men, and Fantastic Four but it was mainly for the actors and not because I was a fan of the comics. My actual knowledge of superheroes was very limited other than knowing just who the major ones were (Batman, Superman, Spiderman). I didn’t see what the appeal was in Iron Man. I mean, he’s a guy in an iron suit who flies around. Whoop te doo. Actually most of the Marvel movies didn’t really light up my radar.

Then the trailer for The Avengers came out in 2011. At that point I had not seen a single movie in what is considered the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I couldn’t tell you who Nick Fury was or what Captain America’s shield was made of (wait, he had a shield?). But since there was so much hype, I figured, what the hey, let’s go back and watch the others to catch up on everything.

And so I did a five movie marathon with Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, Captain America, and Thor. Now Iron Man was cool but it still didn’t WOW me. I had seen the Ang Lee Hulk and after comparing it to the new Hulk, I’d have to give the edge to the new Hulk but knowing that another actor was going to replace Edward Norton, I was all ho hum.

But Captain America and Thor. OMG. Captain America was awesome with the historical aspect, all the British people (JJ Field!), and a hero that is actually quite humble. Then Thor was just brilliant costume drama, again with all the British people. I have a soft spot for Loki because talk about your sympathetic villain where he father practically forced him to become the way he was. AND there was a guy with a bow and arrow in the movie!

So after watching all five movies, I became pretty excited for The Avengers. I really liked how they were purposely tying all the movies together as that is one of my favorite aspects of storytelling – connected threads. Therefore I soon found myself at the midnight showing on opening night packed in a room filled with so many geeks, nerds, fanboys and fangirls. The atmosphere was buzzing with excitement and anticipation.  And let me tell you, that was THE BEST movie experience of my life.

Have you ever experienced pure awesomeness in your movie watching experience? Where the crowd cheers, laughs, boos, basically reacts at all the right moments? When everyone applauds at the end because the movie is basically perfect? Yeah, that’s what happened that night. I was on such an adrenaline high afterwards that I couldn’t stop talking about it. Never mind the fact that it was past 3:30am by the time I got home or that I had to be up for work at 6am. For the next few weeks, I couldn’t stop recommending the movie to people. It was the perfect superhero movie for everyone, whether you were a fan of the comics or not. Even if you only liked one superhero, just Joss Whedon, or action movies in general, there was something to like for everyone. And that’s why I think the movie did so well. Wonderful word of mouth promotion.

Confession: I liked the movie so much I saw it six times in theaters. Yes, that’s right. SIX. (I know you’re judging). For the record, I have never done that before, and I doubt I’ll do it again. But this was one of those movies that every time I saw it, I found something new and enjoyed it. And every showing I went to, from the first midnight showing to the $2 bargain theater on its last leg in theaters viewing, the audience was still in love with the movie.

My friends have pretty much associated me with The Avengers now. I receive Avengers related gifts for presents (hence my blog header – Christmas presents from last year). For my 29th birthday, I hosted an Avengers themed party. I went out to Party City and stocked up on Avengers napkins, plates, party favors, even a big banner for a backdrop. My friends will complain to you about how I played the Avengers theme song on repeat for about an hour (in my defense, I was waiting on the latecomers to the party to show up). Yes I had the same party as a seven year old boy and I’m proud of it.

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The movie has made me get more involved into reading the comics and learning more about these characters. It’s been a really fun time doing this and it makes me wonder how I lasted all these years before without knowing all this. Thor 2 is coming out next week and I CANNOT wait. The trailer for Captain America 2 is out as well and then there’s all the other Marvel Cinematic universe movies in the future including….The Avengers 2, where Joss Whedon announced there will be MORE HAWKEYE!

Speaking of which, don’t worry. There will be a separate post dedicated to my weird love for Hawkeye.

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Wait, they don’t love you like I love you…

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

I am fairly confident that I would say about 98% of people who are reading this post have been in love at some point in their life. You may not have told the person the actual words of “I love you” but it’s probably a safe guess that you have held feeling of that nature towards someone else.  And it’s probably a pretty good guess that a good majority of those folks have also been in love with someone who doesn’t love them back.

Now either you actually told them how you felt and then were disappointed when they said they couldn’t return the feelings or you loved the person from afar and watched as they gave those feelings away to someone else. Either way, unless you have an unbreakable heart or cannot feel things, you have experienced pain and heartache. When you feel deeply for someone and they can’t return those feelings, it hurts like crap. And because you’ve essentially offered up yourself only to be rejected, what usually follows are feelings of wondering what is wrong with you and what does someone else have that you don’t.

The emo song of all girls everywhere who love a guy that doesn’t love her back.

Because we feel better knowing that we’re not alone in feeling this way, I’ve chosen three examples from TV shows and movies that I believe describes the feelings that come with having a love that is unrequited.

WARNING! THERE BE SPOILERS THROUGHOUT! YOU WERE WARNED!!!!!

The first clip is from the 1994 version of Little Women, starring Winona Ryder as Jo and Christian Bale as Laurie. Jo and Laurie have been best friends for several years. Jo wants to go out, make her mark in the world, and live out her life, before even considering to think about settling down and getting married.Laurie, meanwhile, has decided he knows what he wants now. Every time I watch this scene, I’m like “Who on earth would say no to Christian Bale????” Laurie’s pain is very evident here as shown here by the words he says to her refusal. Unfortunately I believe what he does later on in the story and who he ends up with is purely a rebound from this scene. Start at the :52 mark.

The next scene is from the series 3 finale of Doctor Who, where Martha leaves the Tenth Doctor as his companion. Even though the two became extremely close friends, Martha had the unfortunate opportunity of being the companion following Rose Tyler who had been very close to the Doctor. Martha is a very smart and independent woman, herself a medical student, but she falls in love with the Doctor who doesn’t love her back. Some people aren’t a fan of Martha for this reason (they must be Rose fans). Throughout most of her season, you can see Martha struggling with her feelings, hoping that he’ll change his mind but he doesn’t. There is one episode where he does fall in love with someone, but it isn’t her and it pains her tremendously. The following clip is when Martha finally realizes what she has to do in order to help herself. Start at the 1:40 mark.

The final clip is from How I Met Your Mother. The majority of the entire series deals with Ted and Robin’s relationship. Ted and Robin are best friends. Ted has been in love with Robin from the beginning of this story and it is because of their relationship that triggers the search for the mother. From the very first episode, Ted has had strong feelings from Robin that have pretty much never wavered. Robin, on the other hand, has been pretty unsure about her feelings for Ted. She cares for him, but not as much as he does. Ted has lost several relationships because of his continued feelings for Robin and it is something that he keeps struggling with because she is one of his best friends. However, this scene marks a strong turning point for Ted in terms of their relationship. (The original clip got removed so I’ve replaced it. For the most part it’s the same thing)

The biggest thing to remember when your love isn’t returned that is you can’t let the hurt take over you. Yes, perhaps you do have some flaws but so does everyone. However just because the other person can’t return how you feel doesn’t mean you are a failure. Do not put the other person on a pedestal and think that their love is more worthy than yours They aren’t perfect and they are just as flawed as you are. You are not any less worthy a person just because one person doesn’t love you back. Having their love will not validate you as a person and they will not fix you. Only you can do that.

However, it’s perfectly normal to feel like you’re in the worst pain that you’ve ever felt in your life. Being rejected no matter how nice the other person was about it still sucks. You’ve basically offered what you thought was the best of you only to get turned down. And yes, there is the temptation to become bitter and angsty (and sometimes pyscho) and wish that one day this would happen to the other person so they can in turn understand all the hurt that you’re going through now. I caution against that. Accept the hurt. Mourn the loss. Let the pain happen. It sucks. It’s painful. Don’t try to play it off as it’s nothing and shove those feelings under a rug and ignore them.

BUT don’t let it take over you. It’s not always going to feel like that. You’re going to be ok. Things will get better. Or I’ll let Iris (Kate Winslet) from The Holiday explain it:

You may be in that deep, dark hole right now. You may feel like your heart has been ripped apart. You can cry and yell and curse at the world. But soon you will want to look up. And you will see the light trying to reach into that pit. And you will crawl out of there. And you will have hope. And you will be whole again.

  • “I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.” You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.” You, Lord, took up my case; you redeemed my life.”  (Lamentations 3:55-58)
  • “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.” (Psalm 25:16-18)
  • “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” (Hosea 6:1-3)
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A Woman’s Right to Shoes

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Warning: This is going to be a fairly girly post. Deal with it.

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So I’m not that girly when it come to a lot of things.  I just never have been.  Though lately that seems to have changed.

True story: sometimes when I’m feeling down and I’m out shopping, I’ll go try on shoes. I won’t necessarily buy any of them but just the simple act of going window shopping for shoes makes me feel better.

I am really a girl when it comes to shoes. It’s funny because it didn’t used to be.  I just wore basically the same 2 pairs for everything and maybe had a few pair of dress shoes that made appearances only when I had to.  Then again, I wasn’t the one buying the shoes back in the day. My first major splurge on shoes was a pair of blue and yellow Vans that I bought from a surf shop for $80.  I loved those bad boys and wore those things everywhere.  It was a combination of I really loved them and I had to justify the high cost I paid, but I wore those things out.  I would love to find another pair of them on Ebay or something but sadly I don’t remember what the name was and I can’t even find a picture of them online.

Then I grew up.  And now I love shoes . My favorite place to get shoes is DSW. I really love DSW. If you have ever met me in person, and you mention that you like shoes, I will do everything in my power to get you to shop there and help you save money.  I think they have the best shoe selection, really good deals, an awesome rewards program, and their social media presence is one I wish a lot of other companies would follow. I have gotten so much free stuff from them and it’s fun going shoe shopping with friends. This post is not a plug for them FYI.

Since I’m rather short (I’m only 5’3), I love wearing heels and the higher they are the better.  Now I’m also rather clumsy, so I have to be careful with the type of heel I get.  I would break my neck with an extremely skinny stiletto.  But I’ve now gotten used to wearing heels that are up to 4.5 inches (as long as they also have a platform in the front).  Sadly, I still am not taller than some people in those heels, as they like to remind me all the time. You won’t ever see me running in heels unless you want me to die of a broken neck (this was my major problem with the movie In Time) but I can get around in mine quite well. I also scored a couple pairs of sandals as well that I really adore.

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I love boots as well.  I got this awesome pair of brown boots last year as part of my costume for Katniss to wear to DragonCon (another post for another day) and they are the best boots ever.  I also really like wearing knee high boots but as I have wider calves, it can be hard of a challenge to find a pair that fit.  Not to be all “grass is greener on the other side” but I seriously envy women with skinny calves.  This season I got a pair of black high heeled boots and a pair of brown riding boots that I love and will go quite well with dresses and skinny jeans this fall/winter.

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When it comes to casual shoes, I’m kind of a hipster.  I have a pair of TOMS that are pretty worn out, a  pair of Chuck Taylors, and these awesome aqua blue retro New Balances.  Seriously, I love how the color stands out and you can’t help but notice them.  For someone who went most of their life wearing a lot of black, color on me is a nice surprise.  I do also own a pair of Steve Madden black flats that go with EVERYTHING. They are such a wonderful staple.

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So shoes. Yes. They are fun.  I’m no Carrie Bradshaw who needs a closet just for shoes, and I don’t believe I will ever spend more than $80 on a pair of shoes ever in my life (no shoe is worth that much to me.) But to me, they help to define my personality a little better. And it’s fun. 🙂

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“Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise….”

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ff732157-2927-4c5e-84e2-365925b74d84 I never really got into the vampire craze. I just found it silly. I didn’t really intend on getting into the zombie fad either. And to be quite honest, I didn’t really think I wanted to watch this show. But just like the only reason why I started watching Lost was because of Dominic Monaghan, we can thank the at the time odd casting of Andrew Lincoln as Sheriff Rick Grimes as the initial reason as to how I became a huge fan of The Walking Dead.

See, Andrew Lincoln will forever be Mark, the guy from Love Actually who is secretly in love with Keira Knightley’s character.

And I’ve never seen him in anything else before I started watching The Walking Dead. So it was absolutely fabulous to hear him speak with a Southern accent (because we all know that British actors do American accent way better than Americans doing British ones). And then he started doing things like this….

Warning: the following clip contains spoilers, graphic violence and a little cursing. You were WARNED.

Lest you think this show is merely just people killing zombies, then you’re dead wrong. (har har) The writing in this show is awesome. The story is pretty much the reason why I still am watching it. Yes there are ups and downs in the way the show goes, but overall I find myself hooked because I get so sucked into the characters and their plots. So many of the characters have gone through a 180 since the show started. Weak characters have become strong, strong characters become crazy, minor characters have become game changers. I mean take a look at what they’ve done with Daryl. He wasn’t in the comics, he wasn’t a main character during the first show, and now he’s become the most popular character on the show to the point that whenever he appears onscreen, women’s ovaries explode (other people’s words, not mine).

There is also the whole idea of how lives change in a tragic situation like this. Most of us don’t want to think about what we would do in order to survive. We yell at the characters on the screen for making stupid decisions but really, if you were faced in that situation you may find yourself doing the exact same thing out of desperation. I would like to think I’d be extremely handy with a bow and arrow (oh wait, I need to learn how to do that first…) or be able to protect myself and be strong right off the bat, but I don’t know. I don’t know how long I’d last to be honest. But the social ramifications of decisions made make excellent case studies in this show.

This is one of the most suspenseful shows that I have ever seen. What I love the most about this show is how sucked up into the show I get. It is literally one of the very few shows that I will not pick up my phone, get on the computer, or basically distract myself in any shape or form while watching. You can be sitting right next to me on the couch and I will pretty much forget you exist until commercial breaks. While I’m watching, I’m clutching onto a pillow for dear life and am basically on the edge of my seat except for the times when I take even more pillows and use them as a barricade. I have been known to yelp loudly several times while watching. It’s incredibly intense, but it’s so fantastic.

Sure, you can argue there’s a lot of violence on the show.  And that there’s a lot of killing going on. Yes some humans do end up dying because of other humans. But it’s mostly zombie blood and guts. I don’t consider it to be real violence. Plus, it’s a zombie apocalypse. It’s about survival. Speaking of that, there are also some spiritual questions that are asked on the show that I find quite interesting and it makes you think.

I also had the awesome opportunity to meet Steven Yeun, who plays Glenn, while I was at DragonCon last year. He reminded me so much of a friend I have and was incredibly easygoing to talk to. I wasn’t expecting to actually talk to him myself but he drew me into the conversation. We asked him what was his favorite aspect of the show and his response was that he was glad that he wasn’t being casted as a stereotypical Asian. I will say that he was one of the most down to earth celebrities I have ever met. Please don’t let Glenn kick it on the show!  I also got to meet Chris Hardwick who does the Talking Dead show that comes on right after The Walking Dead. While he’s incredibly funny, he apparently wears a lot of makeup on the show because he looks way older in person.

Any other Dead fans out there? How are you enjoying the current season?

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The Girl Who Waited

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I am not good at waiting. I tend to be a very impatient person. When I want something to happen, I want it to happen now. I want to know what’s going to happen. I don’t like having to wait for things or to find out how it’s all going to turn out. In fact I’m rather annoyed that I have to wait several weeks before this blog post gets posted as I’m scheduling it in advance and not publishing it right away!

I’ve said this before, but I like spoilers. Yes I look at the back of the book when I want to know what happens. I don’t like being caught off guard. I’m not really a good person to go see a suspense movie with because I can’t stand the suspense.

So knowing my personality and preferences, it’s really frustrating when God tells you as an answer to your prayer that he just wants you to wait. “Come on God, really? Do you realize how hard this is? Can’t you just tell me what’s going to happen?” Nope that’s not how God works. He’s not like a genie in a bottle that grants wishes. He’s not going to make things go faster just because we want them to happen now. There’s a reason why he wants us to wait. And it’s usually when we finally stop fighting him and allow him to take over that we begin to realize why.

I have found for me that the best times for me to do my quiet time with God is in the car during my commutes. It’s good because, thanks to the lovely Northern Virginia traffic, since I have to sit in traffic there aren’t usually a lot of distractions that take my focus away. And there have been times, when I get severely frustrated with the slowness of how things that God has promised me seem to be progressing. And I tend to yell at God and just tell him how angry I am at him and how I don’t understand why things are going this way and how I don’t believe that what he says is going to happen…basically everything from Trusting God When Things Seem Impossible.

I want to know what exactly am I waiting on (is it what I want or is it something that has yet to be revealed?) and exactly how long am I supposed to be waiting (days, weeks, months, years? Should I be actively waiting or push it aside and forget about it for now?).

And then because I’m hoarse from yelling, I turn on the radio to fill up the silence. And I swear this song comes on the radio EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME I started to argue with God about having to wait.

And I’ll kneel down,
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down,
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

-“I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons

And yes I know that this song has been super popular and every station seems to be playing it, and also the song is quite ambiguous if it’s about waiting for the person you love or about God. But the fact that the song would come on right when I needed it makes me feel more like it’s a small and subtle reminder from God on what I need to do.

  • “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:21-26)

I’m not going to wait for specific things to happen. I’m not going to put my energy, time, or any part of me sitting around waiting for that one day to come for things I want. I can’t waste my life away. Instead I will wait for God. I will wait with God. The difference is that I am giving him the control and not me trying to make something happen on my own. I will allow him to have things happen in his own time frame and not mine because I realize that it is not the right time yet. God’s laid on my heart what he wants me to do and he’s made me a promise of what is to come. Who am I to try and force his hand?

“Child,” [Aslan] replied, “that is why all the rest are now a horror to her. That is what happens to those who pluck and eat fruits at the wrong time and in the wrong way. The fruit is good, but they loathe it ever after…….For the fruit always works – it must work- but it does not work happily for any who pluck it at their own will.” – from THE MAGICIAN’S NEPHEW by C.S. Lewis

A good explanation of why even though you may want something NOW, it’s better to wait. No matter how it good it may be NOW, wait until it’s time and it will even better than you could possibly imagine.

There are two excellent articles from Relevant Magazine that I have found extremely helpful to me during this time period. The first is “Why Won’t God Hurry Up?”, a question I find myself asking all the time. The other “5 Reasons Why God Makes Us Wait” is kind of ironic for me.  The day that article was published, that morning I had literally just had another “Why God? Why am I waiting? Why am I doing this? Why do I have to wait?” conversation with God when I refreshed Relevant’s homepage and then BOOM! That article then appeared on my screen. It was kind of freaky and comforting all at the same time.

  • “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:24-25)