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You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

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I was at lunch with some friends the other day and I noticed something. As much fun as I was having with them, I noticed how surface-y the conversation was.

It’s not that I want deep, introspective conversations at every mealtime or get together. It’s impossible to do that with such big groups of people. Sometimes you just want light and fun conversation where you can forget about things that are troubling you and you need an escape. And sometimes you just don’t want to talk about yourself and you don’t want to hear about everyone else’s heavy stuff. Sometimes it’s better to keep a distance so you don’t get too involved.

At the same time though, it made me realize that a lot of people don’t really know me. Sure, people see me every week, we talk, we hang out. But I also realize that they don’t know me. I don’t get asked questions beyond normal chit-chat. And a lot of time I do the exact same thing. I’m not sure if people either don’t know what to ask or if they read my blog and think they don’t need to. I’m not the type of person to volunteer information either. I figure if you wanted to know, you’d ask and if you don’t ask, then you don’t want to know.

For example, I have a good feeling a lot of folks have no idea that I’m divorced. It’s not like I walk around introducing myself like “Hi, I’m Deborah. I’m divorced.” I’m not trying to hide this fact about myself. It’s just not something I’m going to voluntarily bring up the first time I meet you or even on the first date unless the conversation leads in that direction. People just assume I’m single and never been married because I will admit, it’s how I act. Since kids weren’t involved and it was done very non-messy, there’s nothing really to indicate anything else. While statistically and legally I would have to classify myself in this way, I don’t live my life based on this label. There are different connotations to just being single and being divorced. Again not trying to hide anything at all. It is just something that I don’t bring up unless I have to. 9 times out 10, it is not something that has to be brought up.

And yet it is a part of me and I feel like if you don’t know that part, you don’t really know me. For folks that know me in person, if you’re reading this and made it this far, if you want to talk, just ask me. I’m more than happy to talk.

I’ve been thinking lately about how I would like to share my testimony with people. It’s been a while since I shared it and even then it was only with a select group of people. I know that sharing how I found and lived my faith is something that is very important. It’s not something where I’m like “turn and burn” after you hear this. It’s more of I know that what happened in my life affected my faith and my faith affected what happened in my life. But I’m worried about telling it. I feel like I’m going to get judged by a lot of Christians when I share it. Why? Because it’s a messy story. It’s not something that they are going to be able to relate to. They’ll hear my story and it doesn’t matter if they know me or not, they’ll make snap judgments about me.

Someone asked me “Why do you want everyone knowing your deep secrets?” The answer to that is I don’t. Not everyone needs to know everything about my life just like I don’t need to know everything about theirs. But the parts of my life that I do feel I need to share, I want to share. Just have to figure out a way to properly do so.

Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. (Psalm 66:16)

Photo credit: (Original source: National Ocean Service Image Gallery)

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These are a few of my favorite feelings

Don’t lie. You know you love when these things happens. Or else you’re just weird.

(This is probably going to be the most Buzzfeed type of post you’ll ever see on here so apologies in advance but….it’s also my blog, my rules right?)

When you get home from work and can take off your pants.

When you are famished and you eat those first few bites of food.

When you get to that rest stop because you drank too much coffee to keep you up during your road trip.

When you finally brush your teeth to get rid of that icky morning feeling.

When you can just give into a nap and not have to fight to keep yourself awake.

When you find a blanket to pull over you to give you insta-warmth.

When you get butterflies in your stomach because your crush responds in a positive way.

When you genuinely are laughing out loud and can’t stop.

It’s the best isn’t it?

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Geeking About The Beatles: A Hard Day’s Night

If you’ve known me for any extended amount of time, then you know that my all time favorite band is The Beatles. One of my blogging goals for 2015 is to have a regular feature and because I’m completely random, I will be featuring a Beatles album monthly. This is exciting because it gives me a chance to relisten to these albums again. I’m not exactly reviewing it (as I am not a music reviewer) but instead enjoying it as a fan.

Lights, camera, action! It’s movie time with The Beatles! A Hard Day’s Night is the soundtrack to the movie they starred in and The Beatles third album. Released in 1964, this album (and the movie) is EVERYTHING about the British Invasion and the early 60s. The songs are upbeat and light but not fluffy. It just still sound so classic and hip over 50 years (!) later.

Every song on this album is an original composition, with John being the lead writer and singer on the majority of them. I believe this is the only album where Ringo does not get to sing a song. George’s one song is kind of a throwaway one.

  • A Hard Day’s Night (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John/Paul
  • I Should Have Known Better (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John
  • If I Fell (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John/Paul
  • I’m Happy Just to Dance With You (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – George
  • And I Love Her (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – Paul
  • Tell Me Why (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John
  • Can’t Buy Me Love (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – Paul
  • Any Time At All (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John
  • I’ll Cry Instead (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John
  • Things We Said Today (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – Paul
  • When I Get Home (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John
  • You Can’t Do That (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John
  • I’ll Be Back (Lennon/McCartney) – Lead Singer – John

Standout Song: A Hard Day’s Night

Personal Favorites: If I Fell, I’ll Be Back

Least Memorable: Tell Me Why, When I Get Home

The first half of songs appear in the movie while the other half were written for but not included in the movie. The songs are still mainly love songs, with “And I Love Her” being an absolute beautiful one from Paul. Most of John’s songs seem a bit angry at either himself or the girl but then John’s the emo one of the group so this is nothing new. I think what’s best about this album is that it sounds like they are really enjoying themselves throughout it. The excitement from the movie spills over into the album when one listens to it. It sounds like it was a lot of fun to record this one.

While almost all the songs on here are favorites, my personal favorite is “If I Fell”. It says everything about how I feel and would probably want to say to a guy one day.

If you haven’t seen the movie, then I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s really fun and unlike other movies of the time period which also starred rock and pop stars, A Hard Day’s Night is not cheesy or gimmicky at all. The film being in black and white makes it more artsy and the writing is so good, you think the Beatles are just acting as themselves. It holds up incredibly well to this day. It’s one of my favorite movies and an all time classic.

Next Month: Beatles for Sale

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Can’t Stop. Won’t Stop. Talking.

It’s really funny how I’ve been told that I am both super quiet and need to come out of my shell and how I also need to just stop talking. Usually you’re one or the other. Yet since it’s me, of course I can be both.

When something is new to me or I’m placed in a situation where I feel uncomfortable or it’s something new, I tend to clam up. I would much rather not draw attention to myself. In situations like this, I tend to be quieter because I want to get a feel of my surroundings before I start to open up. I also am the type of person that usually isn’t good at jumping into the conversation without prompting. Some folks are excellent with just bulldozing their way into a conversation and will talk over others. I seem to not have this ability so I’ll wait for the pause before I give my two cents.

It all adds up to me being seen as someone who is quieter.

And then there are times where I cannot seem to shut up. I notice this is when I start being more comfortable around you. I don’t say awkward SOAP moments. I just for some reason can’t seem to stop talking. It’s like if something happens to me and it’s usually either good news or something that makes me a bit anxious, I seem to want to tell everyone about it. Sometimes it’s to get an opinion on what to do, sometimes it is to brag, sometimes it is because I just want to tell anyone who will listen.

There are many times when I wish that I could just bottle it in and not feel the need to tell everything to people. And the thing is I can. There are some things in my life that I will never share. There are some things I only share with those I’m close to. There are some things where I am totally open to sharing but again, only if prompted. I really envy those of you who have things happen and instead of projecting it outward, you absorb it completely until it vanishes.

Working in customer service puts you in a place where people feel the need to tell you everything that’s going on in their lives and on their mind. When you apologize to someone, why do we feel the need to have to explain everything? I know some people aren’t good at reading social cues or faces to tell that the other person doesn’t want to hear more than what is necessary, but what excuse do the rest of us have? Why do we keep talking and have words keep pouring out of mouth when we can clearly see the other person just does not want to hear what we are saying?

The obvious thing is to just assume that no one else wants to hear your sh*t. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Or I could just go back to writing in my journal whenever those impulses hit and wait to share my news with the people who really do want to hear them. I’ll figure it out. I always do.

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What Has Deborah Been Geeking Over This Week Vol 6

This week’s edition of what I got SUPES EXCITED over:

If you have Netflix and you like to laugh, then why haven’t you watched this show yet? It’s super funny, the writing is by Tina Fey and Ellie Kemper is adorable.

Truth, I’ve been slack about eating my vitamins lately. Even bigger truth, I like gummy candies. So gummy vitamins are one of the best things ever invented, no? It’s like eating candy but not so sweet that I want to down the whole bottle. Because you know, I don’t want to die.

As you can imagine, I’m horribly excited for Marvel’s Avengers: Age of Ultron when it hits theaters in about a month and a week. Look at how much Hawkeye is in this clip. And Quicksilver’s accent! And EVERYTHING. WHY ISN’T IT MAY NOW?

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mumford & Sons (we all know how much “I Will Wait” is my anthem) but I’ve been listening to their albums non stop so I was thrilled to hear they have new music. And listen to the shift away from the banjos! This is glorious and I can’t wait to hear the rest of the album when it comes out.

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This weekend is the season 2 finale of The Musketeers, which I cover for Entertainment Weekly. If you watched the last episode, then you know Rochefort has gone bat-shit crazy. I have NO idea how the season is going to end, if someone is going to die, if it ends on a cliffhanger or what. The best part is for some reason, the US is seeing it BEFORE the UK does so NO ONE knows what is going to happen. If you’re on Twitter tomorrow night around 9, I’ll be live tweeting.

Don’t worry, I’m still enjoy drinking beer but I’ve also really started to enjoy craft root beers made from beer breweries. They are non alcoholic but they taste so much better than regular soda. Interestingly I still get carded for these when I buy them.

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Dreams, they don’t always come true

I kid you not, I woke up the other morning and dreamed up this entire blog post. Like I had it fully visualized and thought of as soon as I opened my eye. I even grabbed frantically for a notepad near my bed so I could write down what was going to be the greatest blog post ever known to man. But as fate would have it, I couldn’t find a pen without getting out of bed, got frustrated, , decided it wasn’t worth it and went back to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could only remember what I have just written.

Dreams have a funny way of doing things to you. I have some friends who can’t remember anything once they wake up and then I have some friends who remember every detail from their dream, it’s almost like they are making it up but actually they just have that superpower to recall their dreams.

I have a recurring dream about an almost empty, dying mall. There are lots of stairs that look somewhat like this:stairs

It’s not completely abandoned. There are a few stores left but I’d say at least half the mall if not more is closed. You’ll be walking through it and the stores are open, people are in there, business is happening. But as you get further down, you’ll notice that there are a lot of boarded up storefronts and empty shops. It’s super quiet but in an eerie quiet, like you’re not supposed to be down there type of feeling.

Anyways that is a recurring dream of mine. I’m not into analyzing dreams though I’m sure it means something. It’s just really interesting how vivid it stands out to me. I frequently dream in color. There’s also been a dream where I knew that if I were to open the cabinet door I was going to wake up immediately in real life and the dream would end. I was fully aware of returning back to the real world once I did it. I delayed it for a bit and then finally gave in. Immediately I woke up completely wide awake and not a bit drowsy. That was both awesome and weird all at the same time. I also have those Inception dreams all the time, where I wake up and I’m still IN the dream.

I know there are some folks who believe that God speaks to them through dreams. After all, He did so in the Bible with Joseph and Daniel just to name a few. I don’t think I’m one of those people however. I do believe that God speaks to me through other ways but I don’t think dreams are my forte. If so then I would have been married to JTT years ago and the world will end in 1 billion years. That being said, I know God can use dreams to show things to you. You might chalk it up to your mind being relaxed or an overactive imagination but sometimes what’s bothering you or what you need to focus on will come right at you.

And let’s not even talk about nightmares…

Mood music:

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Just Write. Dammit.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day because I noticed that they hadn’t blogged in a while. Their reason was basically there was a lack of ideas for things to write about and so the commitment to keep blogging had waned down.

I get asked a lot how I manage to keep coming up with new ideas on what to blog about every week. I’ll be honest, it can be a bit hard. I’m writing about new topics every week, three times a week. It’s something that I am forcing myself to be disciplined about. There’s no one making me do this. I’m not being paid to do this nor am I trying to impress anyone with my blog. As in, this is not some creative outlet that I’m using to further my career.

How do I write? Basically I’ve come to realize that everything that happens in my life is a potential blog post. The good. The bad. The ugly. Though with any circumstance, I will use discretion. Names get changed or not even mentioned. The details might get shifted around. I’m not going to out anyone or spill all my guts on here. But when you see everything as a story you can share, it really helps you with ideas on how and what to write.

I believe if you really want to write, you can do it on just about anything. If I really wanted to, I could take any boring inanimate object and somehow create an entire backstory and a world based on it. Then again I have to do this when I play D&D so it comes in handy from time to time. I see blogging in the same way. Because I really want to blog, I’ll blog about anything and try my best to put an interesting spin on it.

Sometimes it doesn’t always work out with readers, sometimes posts that I feel are really interesting get super low views. And that’s ok. Because while I love comments and readers and seeing my page views go up, I’m also not really writing just for others. It’s for me. Am I the best writer in the world? Hellz no. But am I having fun doing this? Yeps. And until it stops being fun, I’ll keep doing it.

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Live! In Concert!

It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a concert. Ok, technically I saw Josh Groban twice last year (AND he’s doing another tour this year! *crosses fingers*) but that’s a different type of concert. I’m talking about seeing a band live in person at the kind of show where you don’t want to be that guy who wears the band’s t-shirt to the band’s show.

I’m trying to think if I went to see any concerts in high school and I’m pulling a major blank. I know I definitely liked bands and wanted to see them but I don’t remember actually going. Sure, I saw a bunch of local bands playing but was mainly because I was either friends with them or I liked a guy. But with limited funds and still being in high school, I did not have the freedom to see every band that I liked.

College however was a great time for me to go see concerts. I wish I had saved all my tickets stubs so I could remember who I went to go see. If you can recall from previous posts, I was very much into punk and emo back in the day.

Unfortunately despite the fact that I went to a very well-known college, we also were located in a rural part of state thus ensuring that no one really wanted to come see us. Instead I had to go back home in order to go see bands I liked. I saw New Found Glory three times and each time I felt older than the last. I was having a splendid time but seeing the young kids not know any of their older albums made me feel ancient. I remember winning tickets to see Goldfinger and Mest. That was actually quite a glorious show because it was so upbeat. I have absolutely no desire to get into a mosh pit (those things are scary!) so I vaguely remember standing near the back of the show. But it was so energetic.

There was actually a ton of other bands I saw during this time period. I even got to interview Authority Zero for Punknews.org when they toured with Flogging Molly. Although I had no idea what I was doing and I would rather forget that whole incident because they probably thought I was an idiot. Oh geez GO AWAY MEMORIES.

But the one concert that really sticks out to me is actually a festival. It was July 31, 2001 and it was a day that would change my life forever (it actually did. for other reason though). It was Warped Tour and I was pretty much in heaven. I got to see Rancid, Pennywise, New Found Glory (again!), The Ataris, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, The Living End and other bands that I don’t remember. Also my favorite band at the time was Good Charlotte and I nearly died out of happiness. I also remember all the guys I went with left me alone during their set. I also got to meet Joel after the show and he signed my ticket stub (because that was the only piece of paper I had left). I begged him to Blacksburg (psh). It was a very long exhausting day but it was so worth it. That was probably the happiest musical moment of my life. Yes, even more than Josh Groban. Twice.

The most recent concert I saw was Flogging Molly and Weezer in Baltimore about three years ago. While Flogging Molly put on a spectacular show (SUPER energetic!), it was so awesome to FINALLY see Weezer live. I’ve been a fan of them since I was in 6th grade so to hear “Buddy Holly” in person was a dream come true. They played every song of theirs that I loved. It was lovely to sing along.

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No wait. I lied. I saw Paul McCartney in concert. Well boom. There that wins for EVERYTHING. Most recent concert as well as best concert I’ve ever been to. And I’ve talked about that one a lot so you know my giddiness over that.

If concerts weren’t so much money, I’d love to go again. No matter how many times you listen to your favorite album over and over, there’s nothing like hearing it live in concert.

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Don’t Stop Believing

I’m currently in the middle of my annual reading/listening to the Harry Potter series and I’m smack dab in the middle of Goblet of Fire. Harry’s about to do the first task and in addition to worrying about who put his name in the cup and how on earth he’s going to defeat dragons, he has to worry about his friendship with Ron. Because Ron doesn’t believe him, thinks he is lying, and is jealous of all the attention that  Harry is getting. As the story is told from Harry’s perspective, it’s still incredibly frustrating to read about unfairly he is being treated. We as the reader know why Ron feels this way (youngest boy after five older brothers) and yes, the characters are just teenagers. But what Harry is going through is also painful to read because he cannot control the circumstances and his best friend refuses to stand by him.

How many times have you gone through life and someone doesn’t believe you even though you are telling the truth? It’s one thing when it’s people who don’t know you that well. These people make snap judgment and unfortunately since they have no way of knowing what you are really like, changing their minds is nearly damn impossible. Hopefully your life doesn’t depend on their opinion (ie. they are the jury and you’re the defendant) so while it sucks, this usually isn’t that big of an issue.

But it’s a situation like Harry’s, when someone who is supposed to know you extremely well stops believing in you, that hurts like hell. And almost every tie there is nothing you can do about it but wait and hopefully the truth will come out. It’s extremely frustrating to feel like you need to make them believe that you are not lying especially when you know fully well you aren’t. It gets worse when they think they know better than you and taunt with that type of behavior.

Being believed is something that is very important to us. When we know we are telling the truth and when someone WE trust does not believe us, it is like a betrayal. For whatever the reason, the other person has lost THEIR trust in us. Even if it is warranted, to not be believed probably hurts more than having actual angry and hateful words said to you. You know it’s bad when you need to say to someone “You have to believe me!”

I don’t know why as humans we are so doubtful when it comes to believing others. I think it comes from not wanting to be gullible. You don’t want to be seen as the fool for believing someone and it turns out they were lying and you now look like the fool. Also sadly people do lie all the time and try to purposefully manipulate someone’s trust only to break it. We need all the facts and see all the proof before we want to trust.

And then there are those times when someone does believe us. We don’t have to try to defend ourselves or prove the truth. And that is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world.