When Someone is Mad at You and You Don’t Know Why

There’s something that has been bothering me as of late. It’s not really a huge thing. And I know that I will eventually just get over it and move on.

It’s that nagging feeling of when someone appears to be mad at you or stops liking you and you have no idea why.

Truth: I have trouble trying not to be a people pleaser. I’ve gotten a lot better about it than I used to be in the past. Yes, I worry about what people think still but now I realize that I cannot make people happy all the time.

But it’s one thing when I make decisions because I know what’s best for me and if someone doesn’t like it, oh well. It’s completely another thing when apparently you’ve done something to offend someone and you have absolutely no idea why.

It’s really hard to comprehend the sudden 180 degree change in behavior. When someone goes from treating you like family or like a very close friend and everything that comes with that type of relationship to acting cold and distant and ignoring you whenever you try to talk to them, it can be really hard. And it hurts. A lot.

I spent weeks racking my brain trying to figure out what on earth I could have done wrong and I came up with nothing. Did I say something offensive? Did I do an action that was considered rude? Did I make a promise and forgot to keep it? I even tried to chalk it up to maybe they were having a bad day that one time. I know fully well the world does not revolve around me so perhaps it wasn’t my fault that they reacted differently that one time. Maybe there was something going on in their lives that time that was more important than anything I had to say.

But then it kept happening again and again. To the point where the relationship just completely fizzled out. And I still have no idea what on earth happened.

I did try to find out. I sent texts. Called and left messages. Even mailed cards and letters. All my efforts went unanswered So I gave up.

It felt and still feels horrible. I may never know what happened.

The thing is I know that I’ve done everything I can possibly do. If someone truly has become so angry or disgusted with me but they cannot tell me this, then I know it’s on them and not me. If I knew what offense I have done, then I would apologize. But the thing is, I don’t know what it is or even if there is anything to apologize for. Maybe I did do something horrible and am just completely clueless about it. Maybe there is mistaken assumption and in time it’ll be cleared up. Maybe the relationship just ran out its course and the other party just didn’t feel like publicly ending it and this is the only way they know how.

I just don’t know. But what I do know is that I feel like I’ve done everything that I can do. Even though I feel uneasy about this I’ve tried to react in love and show grace towards them. If space and distance is what they want, then I’ll give them that too, though not in a passive aggressive attitude.

I hope in time I’ll understand what happened and that the relationship can be fixed. If there’s anything I can do to clear things up, I hope God shows me my mistakes and what I can do. If it’s truly not me, then I hope that in time, things will become clear and everything makes sense. I also am prepared that the relationship may never be fixed and I may never know this side of heaven what caused the rift in the first place.

Basically all I can do now is just wait (yay) and just see what happens. I can’t force anything.


22 thoughts on “When Someone is Mad at You and You Don’t Know Why

  1. Thank you for sharing this… I’m going through the same exact thing, and it has really, really hurt me. I don’t know what I did either, and she won’t respond to me except that she won’t take my apology because I don’t know what I did. I’m not too sure right now.


  2. I’m going through the exact same thing. My friend just became annoyed because of a bad mood yesterday and he seems better today on instagram but he just wouldn’t answer my text. So stress!


  3. im in the same boat.but Im NOT going to let the relationship die. she is one of my bestfriends(i have five and love them all the same) I would die for her. ive tryed all the things you did,but it seams you never talked to who ever it is. sunday i plan to man up and just talk to her. i would die for her, i should be able to talk to her too.


  4. Omg I goggled hoping to find someone I can relate to and booyah, i came to your blog. How is everything with you and that friend?
    Because everything you wrote here is so relatable but I really dont want things to end with that friend on a sour note because I genuinely cherish him and we had so many fun moments. And as I spent more time waiting for his reply to my apology text which im not really sure what im apologizing for, I start to grow scared. Maybe us parting is inevitable


    • Probably because your apology text wasn’t real, as you said yourself you didn’t even know what you were apologizing for. Did you genuinely feel sorry for what your friend was upset about? If someone isn’t genuinely sorry about their behaviour I don’t think I would want to be friends with them either.


      • I am in a similar situation also where a long-time best friend is mad at me, but she won’t say why, even though I have asked her to explain. I don’t want to blanket apologize without knowing what it was – maybe it was a misunderstanding or maybe she is truly nuts, so no, I am not going to say “I’m sorry” unless I know what it was. Sorry but I cannot read minds.


  5. She wont talk to me so I write poetry about her. Hopefully when i read it in poetry club (she’ll be there too) something will change.


  6. She could think your angry at her or ..she could be embarrassed..its like the Tootsie pop question..how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop..The World may never know.. Lol


  7. I was going through the same thing I was clueless I had the same 3 theories of what happened: i did something bad and didn’t know it, there was a mistaken assumption, or it was an off day. then I read this and realized what I had done. Thank you for potentially saving my friendship. Idk yet because I haven’t apologized yet I just read this.


  8. Someone is doing this to me at work. It’s infuriating. We work quite closely. She went on holiday, came back and is now super cold but really friendly with everyone else. She will talk to me if she needs to, but otherwise is cold. Any emails I get from her no longer contain jokey banter. It’s bizarre. I have an inkling someone has told a lie or something (I have my suspects). If it was work related, she could raise it with her and my line manager, but she hasn’t. Which makes me think it’s personal.

    I’d feel silly asking her what I’ve done wrong because she’s just a colleague in another department. We’re not best buds or anything. But I’d just like to know what it is. It’s driving me nuts.


  9. This part right here –
    “Even though I feel uneasy about this I’ve tried to react in love and show grace towards them.”
    – is EXACTLY what I have been doing. Thank you very much for this post. 🙂


  10. This… actually just happened to me. She reached out to me when I needed it, and we spilled our hearts out for each other. I started to like her, and we talked back and forth for two weeks. Now, after telling me she liked someone else… She seems mad at me and won’t talk to me at all.

    I cannot be mad at her, because she did something for me that I don’t think even she will understand. She set me free from a horrible sin, and reached into my soul, pulling out the very best in me. However, if I did something wrong I wish she would tell me, so I can have some form of closure.


  11. I really like your article! I can relate to a lot of the struggles and events that you have described.

    You don’t have to answer this

    What if other people you talk to don’t know why that individual is mad at you?

    Do I ask one of their family members that gets along with me?
    (I have been asking friends and they just don’t know why either.) (I’m lost)


  12. i had a friend in last year (2016) we were very close but now in 2017 she started to ignore me when i try to talk to her she just says something that makes me feel very bad and hurt i dont want to feel toward her this way anymore but i cant help myself. i thought all humans make mistakes and one of my mistakes were somehow affected her. i still havent resolved this issue because whenever i see her i shed tears and i dont know why please help


  13. 3 of my 7 children stopped all contact with me 6 years ago. 2 years later another one joined them. 3 years ago, the one who it was about apologized and said he was mistaken. But the others have even turned my grandchildren against me.


    • My daughter has done the same about a year and a half ago, she has told others why but they are not allowed to tell me why either so they just shrug it off if i ask about her. I miss her so much and it scares me to think that my other daughter will follow. I am happy for you that some resolution (albeit not all) has happened for you. Hopefully I will understand and be able to have some forgiveness on both sides one day.


  14. You have just described my past week. I have a feeling of what I did wrong but that would mean she would be in the wrong too, and I just wish that she’d tell me so I can give an apology that she deserves, but all that can be done is to wait


  15. It’s precisely what I’m going through now. Except that it turned out I said something offensive without realizing. We talked about it, I apologized and she said that she’s cool so no worries. But it really hasn’t been the same since. In fact we haven’t even talked And when I try to, I get a terse response. I feel hurt because I think the least we can do (since we were good friends before) is to be honest with each other. I can’t undo what I said, but I’m really sorry. If she wants to end the friendship because of that, I’ll be disappointed but I can respect that. Beats leaving me hanging


  16. I needed to hear this! Thank you for putting it out there. I have been doing exactly everything you stated and yes my situation still hurts though.


  17. I totally understand your situation. I’m in the same boat too and am going through the same motions. Thank you for giving me some clarity even if the responsible party doesn’t.


  18. I’m the person to do this. No, I haven’t cut anybody off, I usually yell or bang on something and then cry and we’re back to normal soon after. The reason why is word aversion that COULD be from a neurological condition I have that I usually don’t say publicly and people end up triggering accidentally


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